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Relationships

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Original poster

Dating a man 16 years older than me...

103 replies

datinganolderman · 12/03/2021 17:21

I have just started dating a new man, he is 16 years older than me (I am 24, he is 40). I met him online, and never considered dating someone that much older than me, but I thought I'd give it a go and it turns out we are getting on really well!

It is very early days as we've only been dating almost a month, but we get on really well, I feel comfortable around him already, he is very courteous and attentive. We have been on lots of socially distanced walks (we see each other every few days) and can spend hours talking without getting bored or having awkward silences. We've had some flirty banter, not slept together yet, but some of my friends have mentioned he is probably only interested in sex with a younger woman! However, I don't feel pressured into sex like I have with other men. He has 2 teenage sons and I've got a child at primary school. I mentioned wanting more children one day (I didn't see the point in wasting either of our time if he wasn't interested), and he said he would have more children one day as long as his children weren't adults by that point. He's said he is looking for a long-term relationship.

I am worried about the age gap, it's not something I've experienced or any of my friends/close circle have experience with. Has anybody had this kind of age gap/situation and it's gone on to be a successful relationship?

OP posts:

CatsMother66 · 12/03/2021 19:54

I did, at 23 I started seeing someone who was 17 years older and we got on well. He had children and said he was open to more. As I hit 30 I wanted a child and he didn’t.
I struggled on for a few more years but left bitter that he didn’t want children. I felt that I’d wasted my good years. Looking back I feel that this relationship was totally wrong.
I would say find someone your own age. I didn’t think it at the time but since I’ve realised that there were certainly different outlooks and interests in life.
I’m so glad I moved on. I still think it held me back from enjoying my 20’s and I thank God that at 55, I don’t have a partner of 72!

Lifeispassingby · 12/03/2021 19:59

There is 16 yrs between DH and I, we met when I was 31. We’ve been married 7yrs now and things have been great and have also been tough. I’m approaching 40 and he is mid 50s, but it works for us and we are still very happy

Onthedunes · 12/03/2021 20:01

I personally wouldn't as I think the negatives far outweigh the possitives.

But I suppose it depends what your main requirements are for a relationship.

lifehack · 12/03/2021 20:01

Each to their own, if you are attracted to him and he makes you happy it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.
Friends that say he's only interested in sex, well that could be any guy of any age, time will tell if he's right for you.

Kfdbhydcjrsx · 12/03/2021 20:03

We've had some flirty banter, not slept together yet, but some of my friends have mentioned he is probably only interested in sex with a younger woman! However, I don't feel pressured into sex like I have with other men

You have set the bar way too low if your starting point is 'doesn't coerce me into sex'. That should be the case as standard, it doesn't make someone special.

Do not underestimate the willingness of some men to play the long game to get what they want.

Vierty · 12/03/2021 20:12

It is a big gap and it could work. I recently dated a men 10 years older than me. Our children were similar ages so we were in the same stage of life but I was always conscious that as we got older the gap would grow

Suagar · 12/03/2021 20:14

@datinganolderman
Yikes, of course he's nice - you've only known him for a month!! Even serial killers are nice for that long (and more). If you're already so easily sucked in by a guy who's only been "nice" for a month it goes a long way to explain why he targeted someone like you. Most 24 year old would never give him the time of day.

A lot of these men go for these big age gaps because younger women are more pliable and easier to subtly control. It doesn't take a brain surgeon to work out that women love "nice" guys and that's the best way to get what they want, including convenient sex. ALL men know this.

Don't waste your time. If you end up in a long term relationship, by the time you start to really feel the age difference a lot of the good men around your age will already be taken. At 24 you're in your prime and there are good men out there. Unfortunately bad guys, more easily target naive women, so if you're finding you have bad luck with men your age, re evaluate the types of guys you're going for and the boundaries you set in dating/relationships. Beung too trusting and nice at an early stage is many a woman's downfall!

blackrimmedspecs · 12/03/2021 20:18

In a relationship with a similar age gap, I do worry about the future more so now we've been together a while. Get to know him more, you're both parents so have that as a helpful similarity but could also complicate things.

Bourbonbiccy · 12/03/2021 20:27

I think if you like him, take it slow and see where it leads.

Yes,some older men go for the trophy younger girlfriend type thing, but certainly not all of them and I'm sure you already know that,

Take him for who he is, not what some others may be. If it works great, if not move on but don't let his age at this stage make you write him off. (He still got a good few years in him for kids if you want them )

Suagar · 12/03/2021 20:31

I've also just seen the point about OP wanting more children. He's already put a condition on it. His kids are already teens and it doesn't take Einstein to work out that he will string you along on the child front and then say it's not too late as his kids are now 18. He understandably will be reluctant to start all over again when his kids are coming to adulthood soon so I wouldn't believe him about this as people say anything in order to get sex / a convenient girlfriend. Even if he's telling the truth, there's still a massive risk he'll feel differently later about having more kids, considering the age he's at.

Seems like your friends are trying to look out for you. I have a friend like this in my friendship group who's absolutely lovely but naive as heck. She attracts a lot of the wrong guys because of this as she's just not "street smart" with dating. It now sadly seems she's going to miss out on being able to have children because she's wasted time on men who we could tell were just looking for a "good for now girlfiend", or sex, and were not suitable for her but told her what she wanted to hear so she stayed with them too long.

partyatthepalace · 12/03/2021 20:31

Personally I think it’s best not to have an age gap of more than ten years (ideally not more than 5 or 6), you can end up having very different levels of energy and interests in later middle age, and being a carer in your golden years.

Given you are so young and have plenty of time in the bank, I’d personally move on. But it’s true that some people have great age gap relationships and feel the disadvantages are worth it.

Suagar · 12/03/2021 20:31

*IS too late

Lurcherloves · 12/03/2021 20:32

It might not seem to much now but when you are 34 and he is 50 you will feel older than you are. I’m speaking from experience here but having said that I have a very good relationship with my older husband. However, like I said I often feel it has made me feel more middle aged when my friends with partners of similar age seem younger. If that makes sense? I feel like I’ve skipped a part of my life

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2021 20:33

How long till his kids hit eighteen and are adults? I’d be concerned he’s really not looking to habe kids and telling you what you want to hear. Your age will be flattering for him sadly.

StormBaby · 12/03/2021 20:35

I wasted my entire 20s with someone only ten years older...was fine when I was 25 and he was 35, but as soon as he got past 40 he just got grumpier and moodier. He’s now 51 and I look at him and just think ewwww. 15 years Is waaaayyy too much.

RosieGuacamosie · 12/03/2021 20:41

OP - I get it that at your age the men in their 40s look attractive. More mature than men your own age. They are also more financially secure and that can be a draw.

This.

BUT he has two teenagers and doesn’t want more kids if they are adults so you have six years at best to have more children. Are you sure you’ll be done having babies by 30? Will you still enjoy dating a 50 year old when you’re 34? A 60 year old when you’re 44?

Bluntness100 · 12/03/2021 20:41

@Lurcherloves

I’ve seen that, seldom do couples meet in the middle, they always edge towards one demographic.

I actually think at this age it’s fine, and likely would be for the next twenty years, I think it’s once he hits his sixties it starts to becomes different.

My friendship group we are all early to mid fifties, we go to festivals, we stay up partying to thr wee small hours, we go abroad on long weekends together, we go to gigs, all in non Covid times obvs, but we have disposable income and fortunately our health and fitness, so we have fun. I can’t imagine doing that with a seventy year old husband in tow. And I don’t imagine I’ll be going at rhe same pace at 70 either.

TippledPink · 12/03/2021 20:49

There's 16 years between me and OH, we are getting married this year. We met when I was 29 and he lied about his age, I would never have met up with him otherwise. But he got me hook, line and sinker by the time I found out the truth! He has always been grumpy so not worried about him becoming more grumpy as he gets older 😂
The main thing for me is I already had kids so didn't want anymore. If I wanted kids than it obviously wouldn't have worked, his are adults so he didn't want any.
I know things will change as we get older, luckily OH is very fit, his Dad is 85 and incredibly fit so hopefully he goes the same way. But if he doesn't and he slows right down, I will carry on doing my own thing and won't be restricted by him. He knows that!

DianaT1969 · 12/03/2021 20:50

There was a poster on here the other day. She was around 47 and he was around 62. They had been together a long time and had teenage DC. They were in TOTALLY different places in their lives. She felt she was living with a grumpy, complaining, lazy old man.
I bet everything was rosy back when he was 40.

KnightError · 12/03/2021 20:57

@Lurcherloves

Well... the thing that made a huge difference for me was having children with my then husband, who was 21 years older than me and had teenage children with his first wife. I don't feel that I missed anything at all. Having children is a great leveller all round.

(he's my ex husband for reasons which are not related to his age).

Cinderstella · 12/03/2021 21:57

16 years is fine if you are well matched. I have a friend whose husband is 16 years older and they now have a child together. He has three older children from his first marriage. They are so well suited and have been together for many years now. Go for it!
I also have a friend whose husband is 13 years younger and you wouldn’t realise to look at them. He is very mature for his age and she is very young at heart. They are a great match too.
Don’t let people put you off if you feel it’s right for you. Good luck OP.

Wanderlusto · 12/03/2021 22:36

So his kids are teenagers and he wants more kids before they are adults...that's a bit rushy rushy to you then isnt it?

Sounds like a fast moving future faker.

highlightsonlyplease · 12/03/2021 22:42

I personally wouldn't, but horses for courses and all that.

activitythree · 12/03/2021 22:43

@HollowTalk

It's a massive age gap. He was in sixth form when you were born! You really have the best years of your life ahead of you and have plenty of time to meet someone who would be a much better match.

I married my age gap relationship in my mid 20s. My 'best of the years ahead' were spent with him.

I'm in my mid 40s now; him 60s - it still works.

He is my better match.

sunnyzweibrucken · 12/03/2021 22:47

10 years would be max age gap for me. But i have a friend who has been married to her husband for about 15 years and they are at least 12 years apart. She's 50 and he's early 60s. You can't tell as he's a very "young" 60 and she's an "old" 50 so they mesh very well. so i think it depends on personality as well.

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