Dating a man 16 years older than me...

[datinganolderman]

I have just started dating a new man, he is 16 years older than me (I am 24, he is 40). I met him online, and never considered dating someone that much older than me, but I thought I'd give it a go and it turns out we are getting on really well!

It is very early days as we've only been dating almost a month, but we get on really well, I feel comfortable around him already, he is very courteous and attentive. We have been on lots of socially distanced walks (we see each other every few days) and can spend hours talking without getting bored or having awkward silences. We've had some flirty banter, not slept together yet, but some of my friends have mentioned he is probably only interested in sex with a younger woman! However, I don't feel pressured into sex like I have with other men. He has 2 teenage sons and I've got a child at primary school. I mentioned wanting more children one day (I didn't see the point in wasting either of our time if he wasn't interested), and he said he would have more children one day as long as his children weren't adults by that point. He's said he is looking for a long-term relationship.

I am worried about the age gap, it's not something I've experienced or any of my friends/close circle have experience with. Has anybody had this kind of age gap/situation and it's gone on to be a successful relationship?

You met online which presumably means that he was actively targeting twentysomethings? That’s a bit unsettling. It’s not the same as meeting in the park or at work and hitting it off.

If I were HIS friend I’d be advising him against a woman who wanted more children. His kids are close to adulthood, he’s middle-aged, and he’s near to getting his independence back.

There are more suitable men out there, OP. Don’t settle for this one. When the restrictions are over, get out and about and enjoy yourself.

If he’s kind to you and treats you well than that’s what matters. I think the other posters being so alarmist about how much of an old predator he is are pretty blinkered. He’s 40! He’s not 96.

I wouldn't get serious about this relationship because of the age difference, but also because , at 24, I would never have wanted to be with someone who had teenage children. Teenage children still need a lot of support from their parents and will be a large part of his life. I would want to be with someone who did not have children yet and we were going through it for the first time together. Added to that the fact that he has said he wants any more children before they are adults means you are limited to having children in the next few years?

When I was your age I was seeing a guy that age too . It was fun then but now that I am much older he is an old, old man and I am married to someone 5 years younger than me . Would I want to be looking after this guy now ? No way .

What people say about the potential step children is true too - they are the worst when they are teenagers . I think he is saying that about children as he really doesn't want anymore but he's wanting to offer you hope. I don't know why you would opt for life where a man already has children and will be involved in taking them back and forth etc , his finances are less because of them and they could end up living with you when you are so young ! Honestly , look for someone single and free.

It's a tricky one because the same could be applied to me - I have a primary aged child at 24 - so why would a single, young, free man want to saddle himself with that? I have tried to date men without children, and ones who are closer to my age, and by and large, they don't really understand the implications or see themselves as 'taking on another mans child.' A lot of 20 somethings don't want to settle down and aren't ready for children (which is fair enough), but as I am already settled with a child that also presents issues.

I am going to go into this with eyes wide open and just see what happens. I have already wasted 2 and a half years on someone who said they wanted to settle down soon and have children, get married, only for them to become Mr. 'not right now but some day I'll be ready'. Rest assured, I won't be making that mistake again with someone else!

For now, I am enjoying spending time with him and having fun. Thank you for all of your comments, it's certainly given me food for thought from both sides. If things become serious then the age difference / step parent / having more children will become considerations and I will have to think very hard about whether or not this is the relationship I wanted to pursue. This thread has certainly given me a lot to consider, and some things I really hadn't thought about!

My husband is 20 years older than me. We've been together for 7 years and married for 4. We were 29 and 49 when we got together.

I was put off when I first found out his age (I vaguely knew him, but thought he was closer to 40 than 50 until I asked) but things developed naturally and before long we were head over heels in love. We have a very happy marriage indeed.

Op I have only read your comments so apologies if someone has already said this. Personally I would have no problem with a large age gap if you’d met him at work / at a party / he was a friend of a friend and you had a connection.

I do think you need to be more careful with online dating. I’m late 40s and when I did OLD the majority of men my age wanted someone 10 to 20 years younger and I would question why they have that entitlement. It might be that he is genuinely lovely or that he wants a less experienced / gullible woman or he wants an ego boost. Btw I’m not suggesting that you are gullible but there is a certain type of man who will look for someone younger to abuse.

A month is early days. Personally I found the majority of men online dating at a certain age are creepy / over entitled but I hope you have found a good one.

Nope. Something wrong with a guy going with someone so much younger.

Sorry I forgot you had a primary aged child when I posted, I personally think the age gap is too wide. But my husband is 40 ( and so am I) so it might be too close to home to imagine him with a 24 year old girlfriend if we split up (and me lumbered with some 56 year old 😂).

Having a child makes you older than your years as well (I had children in my early 20s so I didn't get the same experiences of my friends). So that's something that is ready happening for you.

I see why you are attracted to this, but I would prefer to be alone just now and find a man closer to my age further down the line ( just personally I wouldn't settle).

My friend is married to someone ten years younger (she's 55),. They have been together 20 years and it's only just dawned on her ( or the reality has sank in) that the first ten years of her retirement will be just her, no long holidays or afternoon hobbies to share.

Me and my husband are set to retire in the same month and have planned a pension and things to do for years already ( decades really). It's fun to plan ahead, you could plan to retire young though but it's something you should think about now.

There are benefits to many different types of relationship , you need to decide if the pros outweigh the cons and see if love transpires. Because if it does you won't ask the question again.

Diana Do you have a link to that thread you've mentioned please? I am in a similar boat and wouldn't mind reading it.

I feel very mixed. Large age gap here. It does look totally different now (I'm in my 40's and husband in 60's). The past 20 years have been wonderful and would I have got that experience from elsewhere? I think I was right to grab happiness where I saw it. Also, I now have 3 dc who I absolutely adore and to whom I look to as my family going forward so no regrets there. Having said that my husband wasn't keen on having second and third dc but I'm so glad we did.

Fast forward 20 years...it's another story. I've aged but he has aged more noticeably, though reasonably fit. Our interests are different and outlook too which has seemed a novelty but now as husband edges toward retirement we have nothing as such in common and I'm going to have to carve out my own interests/friendships/social life. If it weren't for my dc, I would completely dread the future to be honest.

A month is early days. Personally I found the majority of men online dating at a certain age are creepy / over entitled but I hope you have found a good one.

Just to add I met my husband in 'real life.' I think the above is a valid point to consider.

Myself and my husband have a similar gap, I was 20 when I met him and he had just turned 36. The years up to him being about 45 where fantastic....rapidly down hill from there! He's now 53 to my 37, I still feel young ish and he definitely has an older outlook (Google victor meldrew )
I still love seeing people and socializing where as he would be happy to go to work and just see me and the children, his ideal weekend involves sitting on the couch in front of the TV for as many hours as possible.
I definitely still love him, it's the old cliche I love him but I'm not in love with him.
Just something to think about!

I'm 22, DH is 38. We met the week after I turned 18 and are very happy. We do notice the age gap in every day life and like it. We've never had an problems regarding our age gap apart from other people saying it won't last.

Trust your gut, you can date anyone you want and as long as you're both happy, that's all that matters. And dating isn't marriage, you can opt out whenever you choose!

Best of luck to you!

@TippledPink

There's 16 years between me and OH, we are getting married this year. We met when I was 29 and he lied about his age, I would never have met up with him otherwise. But he got me hook, line and sinker by the time I found out the truth! He has always been grumpy so not worried about him becoming more grumpy as he gets older 😂 The main thing for me is I already had kids so didn't want anymore. If I wanted kids than it obviously wouldn't have worked, his are adults so he didn't want any. I know things will change as we get older, luckily OH is very fit, his Dad is 85 and incredibly fit so hopefully he goes the same way. But if he doesn't and he slows right down, I will carry on doing my own thing and won't be restricted by him. He knows that!

@TippledPink Why on earth would you continue dating someone who lied and deceived you about their age?? Why in the first place did he think he was entitled to much younger women and what's more, felt entitled to remove your agency and choice as a woman by lying, and cunningly only revealing the truth when he felt he had you invested? Most women would not want those deceptive and manipulative traits in a partner and would run a mile. Your example clearly illustrates the type of women these big age gap men tend to target.

It's also ALWAYS hypocritically one way with these men, who often have a sexist streak. I bet they would never have considered dating a woman 16 years older than them (did you ask him if he also set his online dating filters 16 years in the other direction??), and would promptly dump a woman if she lied similarly about her age.

@datinganolderman

It's a tricky one because the same could be applied to me - I have a primary aged child at 24 - so why would a single, young, free man want to saddle himself with that? I have tried to date men without children, and ones who are closer to my age, and by and large, they don't really understand the implications or see themselves as 'taking on another mans child.' A lot of 20 somethings don't want to settle down and aren't ready for children (which is fair enough), but as I am already settled with a child that also presents issues.

I am going to go into this with eyes wide open and just see what happens. I have already wasted 2 and a half years on someone who said they wanted to settle down soon and have children, get married, only for them to become Mr. 'not right now but some day I'll be ready'. Rest assured, I won't be making that mistake again with someone else!

For now, I am enjoying spending time with him and having fun. Thank you for all of your comments, it's certainly given me food for thought from both sides. If things become serious then the age difference / step parent / having more children will become considerations and I will have to think very hard about whether or not this is the relationship I wanted to pursue. This thread has certainly given me a lot to consider, and some things I really hadn't thought about!

@datinganolderman OP it's easy to say you will consider these things when the time comes but by that point you'll be much more emotionally invested. If you were certain you didn't want kids and are happy to be in all likelihood, a carer at a much younger age and have different life outlooks in the future, then your situation would be very different.

However you said you want kids. Also bear in mind that many divorced people (especially men) don't want to remarry but want an unmarried live in girlfriend so they can have their cake and eat it.That's another huge risk you're taking. The reality is, the time you waste with this man could mean you missing out on a guy or guys you would have otherwise met, who could be the love of your life and much more compatible in terms of life stage and goals but will go on to marry someone else. He has everything to gain and you have everything to lose in this dating/relationship.

@Spodge

We have a similar gap. It was fine when we were roughly your ages but as we have got older the gap has become much more noticeable. He is in his sixties now and has turned into a grumpy old fart who can't perform in bed. I know that sounds really mean. Actually we love each other and have been married for decades. But the compromises we both have to make have increased with each passing decade. And the whole dynamic has changed. He used to be the more dominant one, who would deal with domestic problems and was generally in charge. Now it's the other way round. It works, but there was quite a bumpy adjustment period as we each slotted into our new ways of being.

Sorry but this just made me laugh my head off :-)!!!

Just thought I'd come back and update the thread.

We've been dating each other for a few months and we see each other most days and have met one another's friends/family. He recently asked me to be 'official'! No introduction of DC yet, I am very happy to wait until the right time and stay in our little bubble. I am having a wonderful time, as is he... most of the time I forget about the age gap (except when he references bands/celebrities/movies and I have no idea what he's talking about ).

I still have some reservations about the age gap, and of course what the future might have in store. For now I am enjoying spending lots of time with him and grabbing happiness where I can.

I'm glad it's going well for you, you can never really tell at the start where it can lead to, all I'll say is older men are normally done with marriage and children as they've already experienced it, it's their time to have fun in life, you are also young so probably not in your mind yet either but how do you feel about that in your late 20s 30s? Don't sacrifice having children for a man that doesn't want to, sorry had to say but enjoy what it is for now.

Pleased to hear it's working for you, just take each day as it comes if you're enjoying it.

I'm 33 and my DP is 51! We met OLD. I suppose we were at sikilar stages of our lives, he was career minded so had a child later and I had my son at 23. So we both have a child each of similar age. He always said he wanted someone younger as he wanted more children (I was always dubious) and when I became pg he was a shock. I do think he wanted more kids but I think the realisation of being 50 with a baby hit. He's got issues with back pain, so is rubbish in the morning, likes a nap in the day and not as active as me. I am active and up early with the kids and like to keep busy. I think our age difference shows and he's a bit of a moaner, however this could just be the person he is and I'm sure not all 51 year old men are the same.
I sometimes think ahead and worry a little. I was thinking the other day about how close my partner is to his 88 year old dad and realised that by the time our son is my partners age my partner won't be alive. I know that sounds morbid but it actually made me feel really sad. I suddenly realised that when I'm 70 my partner may not be with me. Also, he's not the healthiest (put on a bit of weight , drinks etc) and I worry about him dying younger.
However I love him to bits and there are no guarantees in life. I could die before him or get ill, so it's best to take each day as it comes.

God no. My DH and I are in our 60’s as are most of our friends. A constant topic of conversation between the women is how all of our husbands have turned into grumpy miserable old men. Despite being the same age as their husbands all of my friends seem to have a much younger outlook.
I can’t imagine how awful it would be to be tied to one of these men in our 40’s.

When I was a similar age to you (27) I had a fling with a guy who was 44. I thought I wanted a relationship with him but I backed out in the end as I was concerned about the age gap. We were good friends and he hung around with my friendship group, he had a decent job and a nice flat and was a fun person. I expected the sex to be really good but it was actually pretty bad! I think he had a touch of ED or was nervous. It was all amicable and we remained friends.

After him I dated another older guy, he was 38 and I was 27. All looked great on paper when we started dating but he was so used to doing whatever he wanted and didn't have the time in his life for a relationship after all.
What I'm saying is that I understand why relationships with older guys sound appealing and are tempting but they aren't all great and the age difference can become apparent after a while.

Another example is my parents. My mother is 63, my father 72. It was never an issue when I was growing up but now my mum is a relatively sprightly young looking middle aged woman and my dad is a grumpy old git who seems to be waiting for death!
Sorry to be blunt but just using that as an example. The age gap can become more apparent in later life.

I would keep the older bloke as a friend but in terms of a relationship I think you could find someone your own age who is more suitable.
Good luck.

Ah sorry, I didn't read the whole thread before I posted!
Wishing you happiness, hope it goes well x

He has 2 teenage sons and I've got a child at primary school. I mentioned wanting more children one day (I didn't see the point in wasting either of our time if he wasn't interested), and he said he would have more children one day as long as his children weren't adults by that point. He's said he is looking for a long-term relationship

I see you updated to say things are going well. That's great.
Just be wary of the above though. If you want more children and he's saying he would only have them if his hadn't reached adulthood by that point, that would mean you don't have that many years in which to have more children as his are teenagers already.
If having more children is a dealbreaker for you I'd probably leave now. If you're not all that bothered because you do already have your own child, but it might be nice to have children with him, then fair enough.
I just wouldn't 100% trust him when he says he does want to have more.

I am married to a man 16 years older than me. It has never been an issue at all (even though he is only 4 years younger than my parents which is a bit weird). He is the best, kindest man I have ever met and we have a brilliant relationship in every way.
If it works it works. I certainly wasn’t looking for an older guy. If it works for you and the age difference doesn’t bother either of you then it is irrelevant of it bothers anyone else. Being Compatible and having equality, kindness, passion, love, openness and respect and all far more important factors in a relationship.

We have a similar age gap only I'm the older one, sometimes people just click and the relationship works out great. We're one of those couples, you might be too, see where it goes and enjoy it for what it is right now.