Dating a man 16 years older than me...

[datinganolderman]

I have just started dating a new man, he is 16 years older than me (I am 24, he is 40). I met him online, and never considered dating someone that much older than me, but I thought I'd give it a go and it turns out we are getting on really well!

It is very early days as we've only been dating almost a month, but we get on really well, I feel comfortable around him already, he is very courteous and attentive. We have been on lots of socially distanced walks (we see each other every few days) and can spend hours talking without getting bored or having awkward silences. We've had some flirty banter, not slept together yet, but some of my friends have mentioned he is probably only interested in sex with a younger woman! However, I don't feel pressured into sex like I have with other men. He has 2 teenage sons and I've got a child at primary school. I mentioned wanting more children one day (I didn't see the point in wasting either of our time if he wasn't interested), and he said he would have more children one day as long as his children weren't adults by that point. He's said he is looking for a long-term relationship.

I am worried about the age gap, it's not something I've experienced or any of my friends/close circle have experience with. Has anybody had this kind of age gap/situation and it's gone on to be a successful relationship?

When I was 30 I dated a guy who was 51. It worked ok but he wouldn't commit. Assume he won't have kids though, men so often say what you want to hear to keep you interested then it comes out later they've changed the i r mind.

I'm sure he is getting on really well with you! He's pleased as punch for getting a 24 year old, with much less gaggage than someone his own age! His ego must be exploding right now!

If you've spent a lot of time on these forums, you will see a pattern emerging. 15 year gaps, or there abouts, are trouble. There's usually all sorts of issues mixed in - mainly men who have a thing for younger women and who will toss you aside as well once you start showing your age at around 30. They're quite ambitious - you think that 16 years is more than enough but men like that, once they've found their confidence, will then think they can get someone 20 years younger the next time. Then there's the men who are taken by younger women because they're looking for someone lovely but less experienced than they are, will listen to them and their worldly wise ways, someone who won't challenge or be a threat to their self-percieved authority.

Beware - proceed with caution. You really should be men your own age, late 20s at the most.

*baggage

16 years isn't that much although imo it works better the other way around as I think women generally age better than men.

What is he like in terms of outlook on life, attitude to health and fitness, activity, work etc.

Don't do it! Mine is 16 years older and we are poles apart now. He is ready for afternoon naps, does nothing but watch TV. After nearly 30 years together our marriage has become miserable!

My DH is 17 years older than me, we met when I was 27 and he was 44. I had ALL of the worries that pp has mentioned: him just wanting sex with a younger woman; me wasting the best years of my life; him turning into a grumpy old man, etc etc.
Obviously, I can only speak for my own relationship and this is no guarantee that your guy is a good bet, but I can honestly say that every day with my DH has been a day I'd never change, and I love him with all my heart. He's the kindest and most sensitive man I've ever met and is a devoted father to our DC. I don't feel that there is a power imbalance between us, we support each other and if the day comes that I'm widowed young (may never happen but it's been sagely/gleefully predicted by enough people for me to be very aware of the possibility) then I'll be nothing but grateful for the time I had with him.

I have a very dear friend who was in your position.
Fast forward 35 odd years.
She's 60 this month.
Totally devoted to each other
Very happy
2 successful adult children and 3 grandchildren they adore.
Often used to see them shopping together at the weekend (pre covid)
Some people never have that. - great loving relationship.
Take it slowly, go with your gut.
Age can be , just a number.

The fact he hasn’t pushed you for sex and is selling you the possibility of future children are completely contradictory and worthy of alarm bells.

I'd be wary of a man in his forties on a dating site and meeting up with a woman in her twenties.

I think age gap relationships work far better when they are started after 30yo ish and upwards.

Men die younger than women. Lots of women marry older men. Their are lots of women who are widowed for decades.

Rather bizzarely I know several relationships with similar gaps and all this way round (older man, younger woman) including DSis. None of them fufilled the older, wealthier profile. Rather the men (who made these relationships in their 40's and 50's with women in their 20's and 30's) were all looking for some serious ego stoking. All the women have ended up doing far,far more than their fair share pratically, finacially and in three out of four cases playing nursemaid to their husband. I think they would all say they had missed out on the freedom of their middle years (ironically the stage of life their husbands were when they met) by having an older partner. Great fun for a bit, but proceed with caution .

I was super picky at 24 wouldn’t even of contemplated anyone more than say 8 years older and absolutely no way would I have gone on a date with anyone with children. Raise your bar.

@Discombobulatedwife

Don't do it! Mine is 16 years older and we are poles apart now. He is ready for afternoon naps, does nothing but watch TV. After nearly 30 years together our marriage has become miserable!

Mine is 3 years older and the same. You just can't tell. The only certainty is to choose 16 years younger 😂

@Asterales That's lovely. I say live for the day, not the maybes.

Met DH at 23 and he was 38, obviNeither of us had children though so not sure if that will be a problem for you two, but as you both have them it should be common ground.

Sorry, my Dd kicked the phone and posted the message!
I was going to say obviously it worked out because we are married and have a child now.

Good luck

I am interested to know how old the posters with older DHs are now ? IME everything is fine until the man hits 55 -60 ish

My exh was 11 years older than me. We met when I was 27 and he was 38. We were together 10 years and already at that point, the age gap was starting to grate on me. He was in a job he could retire from at 50 and wanted to buy a caravan....I wanted to travel the world!
Having said that, my brother is 47 and his girlfriend is 27 and they're very very happy together but are both aware this is potentially going to shorten their relationship in the end....

The only thing I've seen as a downside (smaller gap) is we retire a long way apart. Thankfully financially I should be able to retire early but thinking about working an extra 9 years and by the time that rolls around he might not be fit to do the things we are planning

I know a couple with a similar age gap but a lot older than you. It is not great for the woman in the couple to be honest. She's in her late 60s, very fit and healthy, still working part time and actively involved with their grandchildren. Meanwhile he's in his early 80s, very frail and with dementia (and has been for several years now). I know that you can end up as a carer for your spouse whatever the age gap is, but of course it's much more likely with a big gap. Maybe that doesn't bother you OP - it's a long time in the future, after all.

For refference I am 45, DSis is 42 with an "old" 57 nearly 58 year old DP who is unlikely to work again and 2 primary school DC. It was all fine until he was 50. Met 10 years before that. DMIL married a 50 year old at 36. Both had kids from previous marriages, all fine until he was 70ish really just wanted to slow down. DMIL was still working, he didn't like that, didn't want to visit her very young GCs. Then 8 years later once she had retired he had a series of strokes, she spent the last 8 years being his carer (in her late 60's). Those GC are now grown up, there is little relationship as she spent such a small amount of time with them. At 75 her own health is starting to fail (not helped by COVID) and she feels her "golden years" were stolen. So DSIS had 10 good years and will be paying for it for at least tbe next 10. DMIL had maybe 15 good years and then 15 when her life was very limited by his needs.

19 year age gap here. Didn't really notice it for the first 20 years, except in positive, exciting ways. But now it's become painfully obvious. Post 60 he seems to have aged very quickly. It's like living with my dad. I'd say take things very slowly. Enjoy yourselves. But given my time again, I wouldn't have made it long term.

Hmmm...
Dh is ten years older than me and there have been huge benefits to that. He was much more mature than my other boyfriends and already had his own home and ran his own business when we met. He was able to give me a lot of security that I didn’t have before. I liked his relaxed confidence in himself that men my own age didn’t seem to have.
However, as I’ve got older (I’m 40 now) I’ve found in the last year or two that he seems to have aged quite a lot in terms of becoming rather stuck in his ways (he was very dynamic and impulsive when he was younger - always coming up with ideas of things to do etc) now I feel like he’s happy to just sit back with his pipe and slippers in his spare time!
He also has started getting a lot of minor health ailments and Ive noticed has become quite bigoted with his views. His sex drive has taken a bit of a nosedive too and he doesn’t make as much effort anymore. He’s settling into the grumpy old man mould that a lot of pp’s are mentioning!
This could just be my experience of course - doesn’t mean it will be yours but you just have to remember that if you were to enter a long term relationship with him, you will always be at very different stages of your life.
When I met dh his energy levels matched (in fact probably superseded) mine so I didn’t notice the difference in age - but that doesn’t seem to last into older age sadly!

I would think very carefully OP.

Are you ready to be a step parent?? Try reading the step parent boards on here.

Of course he says he wants more children, he was the one who pursued you and he knows that this is likely what you want. There’s nothing to stop him changing his mind in a few years time and leaving you struggling to meet someone else to fulfill that dream.
For those 2 reasons along I would ditch.

If he hadn’t had his own children already I would proceed with caution but as it is I think he has way too much baggage and that you are at very different stages of your lives

It can work, but also not. I have a friend whose husband is similar age gap. It has been fine for many years but he is now in his 60s and her late 40s....a d the age gap is now starting to show when she is at a point with kids in 20s and really wanting to do a lot more....he doesn't as more tired etc.

But why just not see how it develops. If I would you I would hold off sleeping with him for 2 more months and if he is still around and you are Haley then go for it.