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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ghosting

105 replies

SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 09:22

Hey.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but can anyone make me feel better following being ghosted?

Been involved with a guy since October. And then all of a sudden nothing. Silence. And his online still watching my stories etc. But my last 2 messages have gone ignored. So thats where I leave it. But im not going to lie. I'm hurt, embarrassed and totally confused. Especially when I've been such an open book. I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right. He knows I much prefer to he told straight about where I stand. But that being said I did not see this coming at all when it was only days ago he was asking to take me away (when things are better in the world of course).

So any words of comfort will be really nice right now.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
NotAgainNoMore · 10/03/2021 09:32

It's happened to me. It sucks. It leaves you wondering what, if anything, did you do wrong. It's cowardly and the most likely scenario is he has another woman.
How long has it been since your last msg? Has he actually blocked you? Have you now blocked him?

Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 09:51

Last message was yesterday after 2 days of nothing saying 'its not you'. I have to say though this is after regular daily communication since October so you will feel when it's not there!

to be honest I wish he hadn't of said that as I left me wondering what it was then. I feel like his gone from respecting me go absolutely not at all.

No blocking has been done on either part. But im not gonna lie it does hurt when I see he has watched my stories and seen his is liking posts but just can't talk to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 09:52

I guess for me it just feels like you owe someone that little bit of decency to be honest

OP posts:
ThisTooShallPassOneDay · 10/03/2021 09:55

Hey op. I hope you're ok. When did you send your last two messages and what is his usual response time. Could it be that there is a reasonable explanation? Although watching your stories and not responding to texts does seem rude.

I'm sorry if it is the case you've been ghosted. I've had this happen to me and it is was awful - you're self-esteem and confidence gets a hammering. Just know that it may be a good thing that you're learning about how he handles bumps in the road - behaving like a selfish man-child - before this goes on any further.

You sound lovely OP, you deserve soo much better than being treated like this Thanks

ThisTooShallPassOneDay · 10/03/2021 09:59

Just catching up......

I'd give him the space and not block him but not contact him.

Let him know you're not available to be dealing with sulky teenagers. If he's got a problem he should be communicating that like an adult.

He needs to get a taste of what losing you would feel like. Get busy, try to carry on with your day, nice bath and pamper later. When he's ready to offer and explanation for his behaviour he'll be back but in the meantime take back a bit of power do not contact him.

x

fedup078 · 10/03/2021 10:02

If it makes you feel any better my ex who I was in a serious long term relationship with ghosted me after a stupid argument
He just ignored me til I went away
What's worse is we worked in the same building

honeysuckle21 · 10/03/2021 10:14

Move on from him, it's highly possible that he will start communicating again when it he feels like it and possibly it could be he's found another connection he's interested in... whatever the reason he hasn't given you the decency of an ending to know where you stand and if he does try and come back again, don't let him as it's not ok to treat you like a toy that he can pick up and drop. Protect yourself from men like him.

VanGoghsDog · 10/03/2021 10:14

I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right.

Try not to give men this information, it makes them see you as vulnerable.

Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 10:22

Thanks for all your lovely replies. I'm just at work so will reply properly later xx

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/03/2021 10:47

Would you be happier if he said "I'm bored", "I've decided we're not as compatible as I thought" or "I fancy my luck with someone else"?

Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 10:58

You know what I would. As I'm very black and white. I've had to tell people before if I don't feel the same. It's not nice but you arent doing it to be hurtful. I find it way more hurtful to just go silent. I would never do it myself. It's rude

OP posts:
ravenmum · 10/03/2021 11:25

It is hard to formulate, though, isn't it? Might come across as being rude and selfish. Not everyone would feel comfortable being that honest. I agree that it's better to say you're ending it. But not everyone has learned how to end it properly. Maybe show him how to do it by ending it "officially" yourself?

SVRT19674 · 10/03/2021 11:34

End it officially yourself. Hey dude, I don't think this is working as we obviously do not share the same values so it is better we call it a day. Goodbye. Take control.

Swordfish1 · 10/03/2021 11:37

It is hard to formulate, though, isn't it? Might come across as being rude and selfish. Not everyone would feel comfortable being that honest. I agree that it's better to say you're ending it. But not everyone has learned how to end it properly. Maybe show him how to do it by ending it "officially" yourself?

Its really not hard. And definitely wouldn't come across as more rude and selfish as just ignoring someone.
And why on earth would people not feel comfortable being honest? They don't have to be horrible and say things like, I actually can't stand you, you're annoying. They could say something like, I really like you but I just can't see a future for us and don't think we should see each other again.
Really.Not.That.Hard.

ravenmum · 10/03/2021 11:46

And why on earth would people not feel comfortable being honest? They don't have to be horrible and say things like, I actually can't stand you, you're annoying. They could say something like, I really like you but I just can't see a future for us and don't think we should see each other again.
"I really like you but" is not honest if they can't stand you. Your example is how not to be honest, and answers your own question as to why people sometimes don't want to be honest.

Amdone123 · 10/03/2021 11:48

Just end it yourself, op, like the wise pps here have said. At least you've not been with him for ages ( sorry, realise that doesn't help).
You can't control his actions, just your own. Hope you feel better about it, soon. I agree with pp, it's really not that hard to say, hey, I'm not feeling it anymore, etc. At least you're not left wondering.

PilatesPeach · 10/03/2021 11:53

Some men are like this. From my experience and talking to my friends, men do it more to women that the other way round. It does hurt alot, especially if you are kind and sensitive and not like that yourself but you telling him how hurt you are will not change anything. He is a knob for doing it, whatever promises he made initially, he knew the effect it would have on your and still did it. You should be the one to block HIM as he will in all likelihood contact you again in the future and possibly try and re-start things. Do not let him. Anyone decent would explain. Look after yourself and have your pride. Do not let all the questions fill up your headspace. Move on. He did not deserve you and whilst the way you found this out hurt, let go. He is not a teenager, he had a choice how to treat you.

Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 11:56

For abit of context here there has never been a point where I've felt things have been off. His always been full of compliments telling me how he thinks I'm amazing and has never got on with anyone like we do. How he cant wait to see me etc.

I get ghosting can happen for many reasons. But believe me if there were any red flags before this I wouldn't been seeking some comfort here. But there was nothing. Said he was coming to collect some stuff for me and that's it. The last thing I heard was it's not you. That was after texting that I'm confused by his silence when we have never had poor communication previously. I get something could be going on in his life however his not too busy to comment and like mutual friends posts and watch my stories but can't respond to me.

But I still think if you are no longer into someone you just say, its no longer for you. You don't just go silent.

I'm busy at work by am reading messages and replying when I can. Thanks for all your input and your own experiences. I appreciate your time

OP posts:
Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 11:58

Thanks for the confidence boost guys. You are making me feel better xx

OP posts:
TedMullins · 10/03/2021 12:16

@Swordfish1

It is hard to formulate, though, isn't it? Might come across as being rude and selfish. Not everyone would feel comfortable being that honest. I agree that it's better to say you're ending it. But not everyone has learned how to end it properly. Maybe show him how to do it by ending it "officially" yourself?

Its really not hard. And definitely wouldn't come across as more rude and selfish as just ignoring someone.
And why on earth would people not feel comfortable being honest? They don't have to be horrible and say things like, I actually can't stand you, you're annoying. They could say something like, I really like you but I just can't see a future for us and don't think we should see each other again.
Really.Not.That.Hard.

Agree with this. Ghosting is cowardly and selfish. It’s really not hard to say ‘sorry, but I don’t think this is working anymore’. I’d rather someone was brutally honest and said they were bored of me than said nothing at all
AnaViaSalamanca · 10/03/2021 12:34

How long has he been silent though? You say last message was two days ago? Maybe he is not breaking up with you, maybe he is facing some issue that's why he is saying it's not you. Why don't you give him some space rather than jumping the gun and ending it? Relationships ebb and flow and you can't have the same intensity all the time.

Also I am amazed how much people conduct their relationships over texts. You guys don't speak on the phone?

VanGoghsDog · 10/03/2021 13:05

His always been full of compliments telling me how he thinks I'm amazing and has never got on with anyone like we do.

Well, that's a red flag, isn't it? It's unrealistic. Often referred to as love bombing.

nicewheels · 10/03/2021 13:19

@VanGoghsDog

His always been full of compliments telling me how he thinks I'm amazing and has never got on with anyone like we do.

Well, that's a red flag, isn't it? It's unrealistic. Often referred to as love bombing.

This unfortunately.

It's happened to me, I thought we were getting on great, I was excited about possibly having a future together.
Dated for a couple of months.
Then suddenly nothing.
I pushed it and contacted them and demanded an explanation.
They boredly told me it was them not me etc etc and the penny dropped for me.
A) I had been loved bombed
B) I was just another woman/shag for them, this was how they conducted their 'love life'

It's shit as I'm an open and honest person, I would have happily dated them without hearing the love bombing. The guy I'm taking about 100% thinks he's a great guy to women, but he has no idea how to treat someone with kindness and respect.

It was the first time I'd been used by a guy, and it was a bit of a shock, but I've dated a few nice guys since then and they are out there, I think the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else!

Original poster
SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 13:36

I feel really naive. Never heard of love bombing

I feel bad not answering properly. When I get home I will

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 10/03/2021 14:16

@VanGoghsDog

I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right.

Try not to give men this information, it makes them see you as vulnerable.

Sorry to hear this OP, but this 100%. If they know you've been treated badly in the past then they know that you have been vulnerable to this in the past and potentially could be again with them. Plus it means they think they don't have to work as hard for you to think they're treating you well.

As far as someone your dating is concerned, all of your exes should have been perfectly nice people with whom you split on entirely amicable terms, imo.