Ghosting

[SpideyMom]

Hey.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but can anyone make me feel better following being ghosted?

Been involved with a guy since October. And then all of a sudden nothing. Silence. And his online still watching my stories etc. But my last 2 messages have gone ignored. So thats where I leave it. But im not going to lie. I'm hurt, embarrassed and totally confused. Especially when I've been such an open book. I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right. He knows I much prefer to he told straight about where I stand. But that being said I did not see this coming at all when it was only days ago he was asking to take me away (when things are better in the world of course).

So any words of comfort will be really nice right now.

Thanks in advance xx

@SpideyMom

Morning. I was just about to say to everyone thanks for yesterday. I'm feeling great today. I think you need to go through abit of a sadness dont you. But you're right he isn't the one for me.

I don't think I'll ever fully accept being blanked, even if it was to happen again. Especially when you see that person so active online. But its just shown me what I dont want in someone. I can fully accept someone going off me. But don't just go silent. It's hugely rude. Whether I've made myself vulnerable or not by telling him my past hurt, it's just fucking rude letting someone invest their time in you to then not have the decency to end it amicably. The only thing I feel stupid about is that I gave my time to someone who never really valued it.

But im good. Im strong and I have a wonderful boy at home with me xx

I totally agree with you about it being so rude and disrespectful . Do remember it IS them and it's not you . You sound as if you are in a great place otherwise.

I have a tendency to always place blame on myself. Something I wish I could stop and will be making a real effort to stop doing going forward.

Its always the ones who are adamant they arent like that lol

It's awful op how some people are so rude, he's clearly ok as he's joking around on sm, try not look anymore, don't let him hold you back. I imagine a pair of scissors cutting them out of my mind helps me to remember to separate my feelings.
Look forward, start talking to other guys, they won't all behave like him.

@SpideyMom

I dont think so as no one knows what's been going on. However there will be a clear pullback from him going forward and people may notice

Fair enough, but I wouldn't bother keeping secrets to protect him if anything is asked... He doesn't deserve that.

If I were you, I would just block him off social media and phone contacts. It is very likely he is pursuing another interest right now and if that falls through, he will crawl back to you.. do you really want this twat to contact you again and Watch your stories when things don't work out for him? Take control and block him and move on. It hurts I know but you will take back control instead of waiting for him to respond to the ball in his court.

I need to say I'm not stalking his social media looking for thing lol. It just comes up on my feed.

Don't get me wrong it still hurts. But I know its not me.

But I expect a level of communication and respect which he has abruptly stopped giving me. I appreciate things may be going on for him. And if that's the case I will likely feel bad for feeling this way about his silence. However I still believe there are ways of doing things. If he wasn't joking and active online and in the group chat I'd feel different. But the fact he is tells me he is actually fine

I think you have fallen foul of a toxic person. The love bombing, the ghosting etc. It's a form of emotional abuse and I suspect he'd done it before and will continue to do it.
Read this as a starter beckysfund.org/ghosting-benching-gaslighting-lovebombing-tactics-emotional-abuse/

It's a pattern of behaviour. You should read up about narcissists and emotional control. You are better out of it as people like him cause extreme damage to their victims.

Thank you. I will definitely take a look at that. I've never heard of love bombing until yesterday

You and your son sound great, if anyone actually gets to have you in their life they should count themselves lucky and don't forget it.

That is such a lovely thing to say thank you.

I am very hard on myself. I struggle with self love, which is probably why this happening has knocked me down. However I do know I am a good person, kind, respectful and well mannered, caring, loving....but most of all I am raising such a wonderful little boy who I am lucky to share my life with.

This just wasn't my time and he (the guy) wasn't for me.

I dont meet people willy nilly. It takes me time. Ive been on my own for a while now. I didn't think I'd be 34 and not settled though. But with shit behaviour like this I think I may just settle into life on my own. Best to have found out now though x

Don't let him put you off dating, he may of wounded you a bit but there will be someone better for you.

I don't get out to be able to meet people. But this one is from my friendship group. Maybe that makes it more hurtful

Strange thing happened to me too. I began chatting to a man in the summer with no intention of anything romantic, not a dating site, more accidentally. He and I had a mutual FB friend and we chatted on Messenger about some work research I was doing that he could help with. We got on really well. After that, he began saying he had feelings for me etc. He wasn't lying about who he was, as we knew people in common. He worked away in the week, 150 miles away and sent me pictures of the apartment he lived in, videos, the address, lots of things. Music, playlists, photos. Said he wished I was there with him etc. I also do some work in the town he was working in and we'd agreed that we would catch up when I was next there. This was in early Dec, when the tier system was still in place. I live alone and so did he, in this apartment. I sent him a birthday card to the address he gave me, which he received. Anyway, when I did go there, he picked up my messages but never replied. He also didn't answer the phone when I rang. This was out of character, so I called at the apartment and a man I didn't recognise answered the door, said he lived there himself and didn't know the man I was asking about. I just left as I knew I had the right place and didn't want to get into a discussion but then it clicked that he had sent me some photographs in the summer and the man who came to the door was his friend. He didn't live there as far as I was aware, he lived in their home town, 150-odd miles away, five miles from me. He didn't respond to the message I sent querying (light heartedly) what was going on and has never contacted me since but like you, viewed my stories. I have got over the "what did I do wrong" bit, and realise it is HIM, not me, but it is a very weird thing. But sending your mate to the door? I thought that was what they did at the age of 15.

Isn't it hurtful though.

On Friday I got the opportunity to tell him his hurt me. Being in the same friendship group of course it does. All I got was he doesn't want to shut me out and he still feels the same and he isnt ignoring me and how he still wants me. Well I havent heard from him since!
I ended up crying on Sunday because it was hurtful seeing him liking and commenting on all our mutual friends posts regarding mother's day. And Having a right laugh in the group chat but me, I've been ignored since his message on friday. How can you not take it personally when it's only you out the group being ignored!
I'm ok now. Think I needed the cry as it does make me angry. His not a random guy his in a friendship group of mine.
In time we will be in social situations together and I hope he feels bloody awkward lol

No wonder you're upset. Feeling like you're being left out is awful. It will get better, just give it time.
Like @Sandra15 said, these individuals behave like 15 year olds. You're well shot.

@SpideyMom

Isn't it hurtful though.

On Friday I got the opportunity to tell him his hurt me. Being in the same friendship group of course it does. All I got was he doesn't want to shut me out and he still feels the same and he isnt ignoring me and how he still wants me. Well I havent heard from him since!
I ended up crying on Sunday because it was hurtful seeing him liking and commenting on all our mutual friends posts regarding mother's day. And Having a right laugh in the group chat but me, I've been ignored since his message on friday. How can you not take it personally when it's only you out the group being ignored!
I'm ok now. Think I needed the cry as it does make me angry. His not a random guy his in a friendship group of mine.
In time we will be in social situations together and I hope he feels bloody awkward lol

Sorry to be pedantic but it's " he's" not " his" when used in this context. It was really bugging me. Anyway that aside, you're well rid of someone who treats you like this.

crystalcherry87 bet you feel superior now?

Op hope you're ok x

@crystalcherry87 - poor form and unnecessary.

@SpideyMom, could you block him now? I know he is in one of your friendship groups but clearly seeing his activity online is upsetting you. I had a similar thing happen a few years ago which is partly why I no longer use SM and have my WhatsApp settings configured so that no one can see when I’m online and I can’t see when things have been read or not. If people respond, they respond and if they don’t, they don’t. Seeing that my ex was clearly online but not engaging with me was a total headfuck.

@myoho

crystalcherry87 bet you feel superior now?

Op hope you're ok x

I actually think it was a helpful thing to say, didn't even come across as nasty and was followed up by a supportive comment.

It's OK. Stuff like that doesn't bother me. I was still half asleep writing my message earlier. We are here to support each other. Some incorrect spelling and use of wording doesn't really matter to me. Sorry it was bugging you though.

You know I've never really been into blocking. I like to see myself as the bigger person. I will get over the hurt and he will be the one embarrassed by it but yes it is hurtful right now as his words aren't adding up.

But better to see this side of him now

I used to not be into blocking either as I felt like it was dramatic and showed the other person that they had got under your skin, but I view it differently now - I now view it as removing their access to you, taking away their option to contact you and taking control of your own messages/correspondence. It also sends a clear message that you are the one who is in control of your situation. Now I block very liberally

I came to this conclusion after wading into OLD and meeting some not so nice individuals who in no way deserved to be able to pop up whenever they felt like it and contact me/access me, effecting my mood with their words.

To add - if you block then you are taking away your ability to cling onto the hope that he will contact you with an explanation that will magically make his behaviour alright. It stops you from secretly hoping that every time you go to your inbox you will see a message from him. This can really help you move on and gain closure by closing off that option and accepting that there are no words he can offer you that will make up for the hurt he has caused. Closure comes from within, imo.

Thats a good point. But I already feel proud of myself for not brushing his behaviour aside when he contacted on Friday. Normally I would of been like 'oh don't worry about it' but I told him exactly how he was being. There is absolutely no chance of any romance between us now and I am positive of that. Because I do not want someone who feels comfortable knowing they are making someone feel this way

You definitely should feel proud of yourself in that case OP, it sounds like you have very firm boundaries which I admire. My comment was just a general one about the benefits of blocking and I'm sorry if it came across as me accusing you of clinging to hope for your relationship! That part came purely from my personal experience of wishing that my ex would contact me, working myself up, then feeling deeply disappointed when another day/week/month went by with him not contacting me. It got me really low for a long time and I wish I had just blocked him so that I wasn't constantly living in hope/anticipation of him messaging me. He had so much power over my mood/day despite being completely absent from it.

Oh please don't apologise. So many people recommend blocking and tell me of the liberating feeling they get from it. I think in this situation though knowing that we will be in each others company again due to our friends, I don't really want to make it obvious to them.

It is definitely his loss though. Im sure of that. Whether that sounds big headed or not