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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Ghosting

105 replies

SpideyMom · 10/03/2021 09:22

Hey.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but can anyone make me feel better following being ghosted?

Been involved with a guy since October. And then all of a sudden nothing. Silence. And his online still watching my stories etc. But my last 2 messages have gone ignored. So thats where I leave it. But im not going to lie. I'm hurt, embarrassed and totally confused. Especially when I've been such an open book. I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right. He knows I much prefer to he told straight about where I stand. But that being said I did not see this coming at all when it was only days ago he was asking to take me away (when things are better in the world of course).

So any words of comfort will be really nice right now.

Thanks in advance xx

OP posts:
SpideyMom · 16/03/2021 12:31

I do know what you mean about feeling like they have control over your day. Thankfully each day that feeling is becoming less for me.

I think after the way my son's father treated me, losing someone I like never lasts too long now. It will always hurt me. Especially like this as I believed he was genuine. But thankfully I realise my worth alot quicker

OP posts:
GentlemanJay · 16/03/2021 12:37

@SpideyMom

Hey.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but can anyone make me feel better following being ghosted?

Been involved with a guy since October. And then all of a sudden nothing. Silence. And his online still watching my stories etc. But my last 2 messages have gone ignored. So thats where I leave it. But im not going to lie. I'm hurt, embarrassed and totally confused. Especially when I've been such an open book. I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right. He knows I much prefer to he told straight about where I stand. But that being said I did not see this coming at all when it was only days ago he was asking to take me away (when things are better in the world of course).

So any words of comfort will be really nice right now.

Thanks in advance xx

Sound like me describing my ex. Of all the people I've ever met, I didn't expect bullshit from her.
SpideyMom · 16/03/2021 12:42

Sorry to hear that. Did you ever get a reason?

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 16/03/2021 18:25

I think the one to be embarrassed should be him, not you. They only do this because they are too inadequate to do the adult thing and say that they don't see a future, OR that they get cold feet but want to keep their options open.

In my case I am a what you see is what you get person and I never play games with people.

I was chatting to him on some work I am doing about the past, local history and so on. We seemed to get on really well on the Messenger chat, there was a lot of zing there and connection, but then he started telling me he had feelings for me. It took me a while to catch up but then I realised I did as well and told him so. (Perhaps it was my old feelings coming back from the past?)

He also got raunchy on Messenger one time, and that made me uncomfortable. He did apologise and stop that, but he did say that I turned him on, wanted me with him and so on. He has been working away and living there since last February and sent me all the information about the place he was staying in, the apartment, videos of it, the website and he sent me loads of photos, playlists, pics of what he was working on, and it was all genuine. Vice versa, I sent photos too - not saucy ones, ordinary ones, what I was doing, daily life, etc.

He also told me a lot about his friend who had died, (this is genuine, I knew the man) - personal stuff, and I did the same to some degree. I confided in him that an ex had beaten me up and raped me. I felt very safe with him and he messaged me five or six times each day, lots of "Morning beautiful" to wake up to, and it was really zingy. Lots of kisses, emojis, playlists and so on. We have also seen each other's facebook pages with up to date photos. There really was a lot of interaction and it felt good and real. We talked about people we both knew, he sent me all the information about his company (he owns it) so he wasn't lying about that.

He said he couldn't get me out of his mind, wanted to hold me, wanted me to be there, etc etc. Couldn't stop thinking about me, that sort of thing. He did resist talking on the phone though and I was uncomfortable with that as I longed for a proper chat. It was too much like You've Got Mail with Tom Hanks and I wanted some reality.

I need to add that I was not searching for a boyfriend, and lockdown had nothing to do with it on my side. I am busy, happy, good job teaching and writing, lots of friends of both genders, happy cats, lots to do, exercise classes, loads going on and I didn't feel I needed a gap filling or that I was lonely. I went to his apartment. I felt safe and secure doing this, because he had given me the address, the photos, and videos of the place and I was not a stalker. This was a month ago today, 7 December. Over the course of the previous months I felt we had built up a real level of trust.

Also on his birthday in early November I sent him a birthday card to the apartment. This was one I had crafted myself on the playlist theme, playlist from the day he was born, saying it was a classic and wishing him a happy birthday, with love. I wanted to do that because it was personal and differentiated me from the usual Messenger or FB posts. He thanked me for the card - with lots of kisses.

Then he ghosts! It is very odd. This is a real person who I have met in the past, though funnily enough at the beginning he didn't realise that.

Sandra15 · 16/03/2021 18:27

I meant four months not one month ago!

SpideyMom · 16/03/2021 18:34

How can they keep it up for so long. Im my hearts not there I have to say

OP posts:
SpideyMom · 16/03/2021 19:02

I mean if my hearts not there

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 17/03/2021 10:57

I've been reading other threads on this topic and it is very, very prevalent. It's disgraceful in any context but in a real relationship it is just pathetic. I remember my friend being ghosted in a 1990s way though when we went on a double blind date. Her date went to the loo in the pub and never returned. He climbed through the window and ran off.

Amdone123 · 17/03/2021 11:41

@Sandra15, fancy being that desperate to get away you escape through a toilet window. Your poor friend. What a prick he was. Mind you, your friend had a lucky escape !!

SpideyMom · 17/03/2021 12:18

Some people are absolutely diabolical aren't they. Your poor friend. But as PP said what a lucky escape.

Mine tried to talk to me last night. All feelings have gone. I wish him and his daughter well, but its a no from me

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 23/03/2021 13:51

I had a look back at some of the messages on the thread that the guy sent me. There were a few "David removed a message" comments. There was one night he sent me a photo of his bare legs and then quickly deleted it. Is that because he thought he had gone too far, or it was meant for someone else? I didn't mention it because I thought it was odd. Then one day "morning gorgeous xxxxxxxx" quickly followed by "morning hot lips xxxxxxxxxxx" and one of them deleted. Probably he was sending these to me and someone else. The irony of all of this is it was not started with any intention of dating! Very very strange.

Sandra15 · 23/03/2021 13:52

[quote Amdone123]@Sandra15, fancy being that desperate to get away you escape through a toilet window. Your poor friend. What a prick he was. Mind you, your friend had a lucky escape !![/quote]
I know. We were too young to be in the pub in the first place. They weren't much older, about 19 or so. But pathetic all the same.

singleagain22 · 23/03/2021 20:03

It's not you. It's him for sure.

He likely has issues going on that you are completely unaware of.

sunnyzweibrucken · 23/03/2021 23:25

My exF ghosted me after 4 yrs together. It was heartbreaking. I would’ve appreciated at least a phone call or even a letter (this was before texts and email)

Sandra15 · 24/03/2021 10:14

@SpideyMom

I do know what you mean about feeling like they have control over your day. Thankfully each day that feeling is becoming less for me.

I think after the way my son's father treated me, losing someone I like never lasts too long now. It will always hurt me. Especially like this as I believed he was genuine. But thankfully I realise my worth alot quicker

How are you getting along?
SpideyMom · 24/03/2021 14:08

Im doing good. In fact I'm amazed at how quickly I've been able to detach. I am sensitive, always have been but I have noticed ever since the breakup from my son's Dad all those years ago, that it doesn't take me so long to get over things now.

I think what helped was he tried to blame me last week. So I didn't respond and I suppose I just felt like 'nah fuck you you little boy. Can't even own your own behaviour'.

Someone asked earlier in the thread if i'd prefer someone saying they didn't like me anymore. The answer is a million percent yes. We are both in our 30s. Have some balls. Considering last week he also said he still wants to take me out properly and then blamed me for the silence saying 'so that won't be happening anymore'. I dont like that. I have more respect for someone saying its not for them anymore.
I'm not overly confident however I get attention (I promise I do not mean that in a big headed way) I think im just more disappointed that I let another wrong one in.

But im doing really good thanks

OP posts:
TC68 · 24/03/2021 14:58

Sorry to hear you have been ghosted - happened tome twice and it leaves you feeling so judge mental of yourself and really knocks your esteem and self worth
Usually means they have another woman and too much of a coward to end it respectfully or selfishly wants to keep the door open and text you in the future if it does not work out with the other woman.
A year later the guy apolgised for ghosting me - but the damage had already been down and my self esteem had dropped so low

SpideyMom · 24/03/2021 17:28

Oh @TC68 I'm so sorry to hear that. I know I'm acting all positive but deep down of course it hurt my feelings. I just find it incredibly cruel treating somebody like that. To not even deserve an explanation is very hurtful. I will still never understand how it went from him asking to take me away, to a few days later him being completely silent with me. But to then turn around and say it's my fault that he will no longer be taking the out....it's a no from me!!!

I do understand what you mean though, its a huge knock to the confidence. I am normally very critical of myself, however I have chosen to not go down that road this time. I'm not short of attention, however I do struggle to let many people in. I suppose I am so settled in my life now with my little boy that it's going to take somebody who makes me feel like it's worth taking a chance. I must admit I did feel very different with him I didn't feel there was any bullshit. I will probably never understand why he stopped talking to me but I do truly believe it is not my fault. I keep wondering is it something about me that he doesn't like the look of or is it that we didn't get on very well in person one on one, however there was nothing to suggest that was the case ever.

If there is another woman, which he was adamant there isn't (which I have to admit I found weird as I've never even questioned it with him) Then he definitely isn't the kind of man I want to be with anyway.

I'm sure my time will come but I am a little sad that I'm in my mid thirties and have never truly been in love with anybody, or found that person to share my time with.

OP posts:
Amdone123 · 24/03/2021 17:53

Your time will come, op. You'll see. Take care, lovely.

seensome · 24/03/2021 20:48

What do the other people think of him in the friendship group? I think you should let them know, if you know them well enough.
What he did was so disrespectful, messaging away to others and not you. You might even hear more truth about him if you ask around, Anyway glad to hear he didn't manage to charm you back around after ghosting you.

SpideyMom · 24/03/2021 21:20

To be honest I am the newest one to the group so I don't really feel like im in a position to ask. Everyone thinks alot of him though. I also don't really want to let anything on in case it changes the dynamic of us all. However if he did make it awkward my stance would change.
The way I am though, I will likely talk to him in a group setting again without any issues. But on a one to one level I have no interest. And that's not because I hold any anger or bitterness towards him. But more because I wont forget the choice he has made at this moment in time, where he made me feel unworthy of an explanation.

OP posts:
Sandra15 · 24/03/2021 23:27

This is it, isn't it? This guy I mentioned seems to have lots of friends, but they are all guys he goes to football matches with (they follow Manchester United around) or school reunions (when he is surrounded by loads of women!) If he has lots of mates, and like the guy you mentioned, how come they can be such an arse to us? I really thought bette rof him.

Amdone123 · 25/03/2021 08:25

Well, the act they put on with others, is just that, an act. True colours will come out eventually. If you can't treat someone with respect and consideration, you're not a good person. No doubt in the past they have treated women like this, and gotten away with it. I cringe at the way I was treated by previous boyfriends ( was only young, late teens, but still).
Nowadays, people don't put up with this crap. Op, you are leading the way. He's simply not good enough for you.

TC68 · 25/03/2021 08:26

@SpideyMom
Thank you for your kind words - like you we were making plans to go on holiday, spent time with his daughter and my daughter and then 'silence' so he has not only ghosted me but my daughter too. He seemed genuine and the first man I have felt comfortable with (been single for years after an abusive relationship and not letting anyone get close) Very awkward as we live in a village - 6 doors apart. It has made me feel I can not go to the local shop so I drive to the next village I don't want to bump into him and have almost ghosted myself by trying to disappear but that is how he has made me feel. You sound lovely and so positive - they did not deserve the time we did give to them and I hope deep down they really regret what they have done and miss us !

SpideyMom · 25/03/2021 09:24

Thank you for all the kind comments and thank you all for your posts.

@TC68 nooooooooo you are not the problem here. Do not do that to yourself. You have done nothing wrong. Do not hide from him. Just trust that neither you are your daughter need someone like that around.

I do think it gets harder when we get older because we don't expect people to play these games at our ages. But like @Amdone123 has said, people won't put up with it nowadays

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