Ghosting

[SpideyMom]

Hey.

Sorry if this is the wrong place but can anyone make me feel better following being ghosted?

Been involved with a guy since October. And then all of a sudden nothing. Silence. And his online still watching my stories etc. But my last 2 messages have gone ignored. So thats where I leave it. But im not going to lie. I'm hurt, embarrassed and totally confused. Especially when I've been such an open book. I've been through so much hurt which he knows about and always assured me he wanted to show me how to he treated right. He knows I much prefer to he told straight about where I stand. But that being said I did not see this coming at all when it was only days ago he was asking to take me away (when things are better in the world of course).

So any words of comfort will be really nice right now.

Thanks in advance xx

So ive had another read of them all. Thanks again.

Sorry to those its happened to. It's really hurtful isn't it. Im pretty certain I'm a decent person. I treat people well, fairly, kindly etc. I suppose I stupidly expect that in return knowing full way that that isn't always going to happen.

I know only a few days doesn't seem like alot. Its not. But communication always flowed and then when my messages were unanswered I thought ok, his busy. But watching my stories in find rude knowing full well he is choosing to not respond to me. The 'Its not you' has thrown me because its left me wondering well what the fuck is it lol. But im not asking. Usually when something has been going on his told me.

I really dont think it's hard having the decency to give someone closure. At the end of the day you want to call time. You don't have to deal with them much longer. At least do it respectfully. All that time invested to just get blanked after arranging to collect some stuff. I know it seems silly. But its the being clearly active on Social Media that is making me feel this behaviour is rude.

I guess I'm just disappointed in myself for believing he was good. And I guess for allowing my guard to come down to be left wondering what ive done to not deserve an explanation. It's made me question alot about our time knowing each other

What was "it's not you" in response to?

I said I found his complete silence confusing so is everything ok

Sorry, OP. He sounds disappointingly lacking in manners. I agree absolutely with you that it's not hard to have the basic courtesy to decide a relationship is not going anywhere and text/phone someone a polite ending.

If I'd heard nothing more by this evening from him I would send a pp message about saying it was clear that you had different standards and values and you were ending things now.

To be honest this is the point I'm at. Even if he does have stuff going on he has had the opportunity to say that. Instead all I got was an 'Its not you' but he is happily online so I dunno. I definitely think it's rude.

But its not knowing what to say. Its clearly got to me. But not in the lost relationship way. The fact he clearly has very little respect for me and makes me cast doubt on everything his ever said to me. It does hurt. Who asks take someone away only last week, say they are collecting some items from mine and then go silent. Again I know there may be a reasonable explanation but then when you see that his been happily replying to comments online it does make you think.

I'm 34 and quite frankly don't need this shit. I dont date much at all really. And now I know why

@SpideyMom, FWIW, you sound like a lovely person with decent values and respect for others. Don't let this experience harden you. You will meet someone, probably when you least expect it.

Block him, don’t allow him to see what you are up to if he doesn’t plan to communicate with you.

Have you actually seen much of him as it's only been since October ? Has much of it just been online chat ?

Well his from a friendship group but in terms of me and him getting to know each other better that's been since October. I last saw him just over a week ago

I swear the older I get the more upsetting things can be lol

@SpideyMom I read someone said on a similar thread once on why people ghosts... it’s so they can come back later with some shit excuse and try to get back into your life. If they have probably ended stuff, that option won’t be there anymore and men just don’t like shutting that door completely, even to someone they have lost interest. I think that is pathetic but oh so true! My sympathies...

I just think it is so so cruel. Despite all the hurt I've experienced I only try and see good in people. And I continue to treat people with respect and kindness despite them may not being deserving of it. I dont want to change how I am in that sense. But I wish I was more hardened to this behaviour. I know I am a strong women. I'm raising an incredible little boy and run a home with no help of anyone else. I dont need anyone for anything. My son is 7 this year and I've met maybe 2 men in that time. So I don't get myself out there much. This has knocked my confidence massively and I am wondering what I have done or is there something wrong with me. I dont know whether I should say something in a few days?

No. Just stop. There is nothing to say.

You're a strong woman right? Raising your son and doing well. You don't need some bloke giving you the runaround for whatever reason. Why would you bother chasing after him? It won't make everything suddenly fall into place for him and come back

Please don't waste your evening psychoanalysing him. He won't be sat at home doing the same with you. Just block him, rip off that metaphorical stocking plaster and know that you deserve better

I know. And thats probably exactly what I need to be told.

Me wanting to say something is purely down to me wanting him to know its not OK to treat people like this

It's something only a person with a tiny backbone could do isn't it. They don't want to continue the relationship, they know this... but don't want to be bothered to tell you.
Maybe your feelings of rejection would be unpleasant to see, maybe you would ask questions they can't be bothered with, maybe they'd rather lounge around on the sofa channel hopping than spend half an hour telling you where you stand and wishing you well...
Whatever the crappy logic in his head, the fact is, that to save himself from a relatively brief awkward interaction he's happy to leave you with days/weeks of puzzlement, running scenarios through your head, wondering if this is being ghosted or he's busy at work etc etc... all the head space you're going to have to expend, and emotional turmoil, to arrive at a conclusion he could gift to you in a moment. He's weighed his botherment against your peace of mind and judged saving himself the bother was more important. Just urgh. Pathetic, cowardly, lazy, dismissive... What as spineless twerp he turned out to be. Sorry you have to feel crap by his doing. You sound lovely and I bet your son won't be brought up to think that's an acceptable choice, I know mine won't.

@SpideyMom he won't give a hoot. Which you also know. Some people are just a bit of a let down and that's all there is to it

You've got a lot to offer, you know this. So time spent moping around over this bloke is time when you could be going 'meh. Next!' and being in a good space to meet the next one

As a small aside, I wouldn't tell new men about past hurts. Work on those so you don't have to. That way you can approach a potential relationship for how it's supposed to be ... just fun in the beginning. And fun all the way through when you meet the right person. Which you will

Thanks for all this advice. Its hugely appreciated and has made me feel better.

Funny thing is we will see each other again due to our friendship group. For me though this will be fine. As once I'm over something there is no coming back. I remain civil and friendly but don't think you're coming close ever again! He will feel very awkward when those get togethers happen.

I look at my son and I know I'm doing good. In fact he is such a strong little boy for his age. Dont take nonsense off anyone. I think that stems from his dad not being around and me telling him he doesn't need anyone who doesn't need him. I love the way he is. I just wish I was more of it lol

@SpideyMomWhy have you made yourself so vulnerable to him OP? Stop seeking validation from men and seek therapy before dating again
Men can sense dependency and low self esteem a mile off and this attracts the bad and abusive men like shark to blood. Telling men about past bad treatment at this stage worsens it and unfortunately tells him you're someone who needs assurance from men and he can manipulate you since other men have been previously successful doing it. Dating while have low self worth is a dangerous game.

@SpideyMom, you're doing an amazing job with your son.
Hope you're feeling brighter and more positive today. He wasn't the one for you. You'll be just fine.

Morning. I was just about to say to everyone thanks for yesterday. I'm feeling great today. I think you need to go through abit of a sadness dont you. But you're right he isn't the one for me.

I don't think I'll ever fully accept being blanked, even if it was to happen again. Especially when you see that person so active online. But its just shown me what I dont want in someone. I can fully accept someone going off me. But don't just go silent. It's hugely rude. Whether I've made myself vulnerable or not by telling him my past hurt, it's just fucking rude letting someone invest their time in you to then not have the decency to end it amicably. The only thing I feel stupid about is that I gave my time to someone who never really valued it.

But im good. Im strong and I have a wonderful boy at home with me xx

To me, it doesn't sound like a ghosting and I'm sure he will be in touch again. It seems as though he's got a lot going on... being online and looking at stories doesn't mean he isn't dealing with something and can't handle real life contact right. This pandemic has taken a toll on a lot of people's mental health. There are days when I just want to stay in bed and not talk to anyone (even my BF)

If you're in a friendship group, can any of them shed some light on what's going on with him?

His still very active in the group chat. Joking on people's posts and responding to comments online etc. Just no time for me. Its hard to not take that personally.

Will you be open to the friendship group about his actions? Not saying you should actively try to turn people against him but no need to shield him from mutual friends knowing what he's done. The shame is on him not you.

P.s glad you've got your head held high today, it's a crappy one to have to shrug off, but at least it's been an education that some people live by entirely different standards so you can steer clear.

I dont think so as no one knows what's been going on. However there will be a clear pullback from him going forward and people may notice