Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"You ain't my mum"

113 replies

MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:24

15 year old stepson has said this a couple of times recently and has also thrown in a couple of psycho comments.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 10:46

Well...were you being psycho at the time? xD

I'd probably just say something like,
'Omg you are such a drama queen' then show him some Kevin and perry and be like 'look,that's you!'.

Really you've no hope as a step mum of authourity over a 15 year old boy. But his dad should step up to the plate and tell him to bloody well behave himself.

Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 10:49
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:57

@Wanderlusto ha ha, no I don't I was, well unless telling him he couldn't bring his crackers and toast upstairs to eat is being a psycho.

Another time I was checking his school work for that day. I'm an evil bitch.

His father doesn't really give a shit about his education to be honest. Same father is currently unemployed...........

OP posts:
seensome · 09/03/2021 10:57

Say no but you're in my house!
Let his dad deal with him.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:59

@seensome ah yes, that nugget came out of my mind this week

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:59

Mouth not mind.....

OP posts:
oil0W0lio · 09/03/2021 11:01

Maybe say, 'I know I'm not your mum but I still care about you and I want the best for you'?

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 09/03/2021 11:01

To be honest I would put him off his vitriol by saying "I love you as my son", and then carry on being consistent.

Pleaseaddcaffine · 09/03/2021 11:02

Nope but my house my rules.
Also if you were he'd say I wish you weren't my mum or I hate you.
No winning!

TheProvincialLady · 09/03/2021 11:02

You should always correct him. It’s “aren’t” not “ain’t”. Ignore the drama, it’s typical teenage nonsense.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 11:04

@TheProvincialLady I did remark at the time that we weren't on the set of eastenders

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 11:05

If his dad doesn’t care about these and won’t back you up then I’d step right back. He’s not going to appreciate your efforts so stop making them. No food in rooms is fine as a house rule but stop checking his school work, he’s 15, it’s up to him to do it or not.

You’re not his mum so this also means you can stop doing any mum jobs or favours.

Are you married to his father? How do you feel about supporting them both? Is your relationship happy? If not I’d consider whether this hassle and rudeness is worth it.

TruckWheelStuckInMud · 09/03/2021 11:06

I would say no I'm not your Mum, obviously, but I am a person who cares about you and of course it would be easier to sit back and do nothing than have you talk to me this way. I want to see you do well and succeed so you afford your own place in future where you can set the rules and eat crackers in your bedroom if you want.

I tell my own children this stuff, ie I care enough to piss you off re making sure your homework is done etc because I love you too much to let you fail.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 11:12

His mother has not been in his life since he was 3 years old, he's seen her a couple of times since. She lives in another country, has never made the effort to see him here. We have offered to pay for her travel, stay etc but she turned us down. She had 2 more children after him and they are not in her care either.

I think I will step back completely here.

The relationship with his father is on its last legs I think and I always felt bad for the child but seeing his true feelings for me makes me feel a lot less guilty if I decide to end the relationship.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 11:16

Don’t you feel guilty at all. You’re trying to parent him more than his actual parent. You’re getting fuck all appreciation for it. Leave them to do and don’t feel at all bad about it. You deserve to be happy and have a peaceful stress free life. Ditching two extra mouths to feed will not doubt be a relief.

picklemewalnuts · 09/03/2021 11:17

Is he with you full time, then?
I'd retort 'no, I'm not, and I'm doing my best for you anyway!'

Then I'd schedule a proper conversation with him that wasn't about a specific problem, and ask him what he wants. Say you care about him (if you do) and want what's best for him, but at 15 he needs to take a bit of responsibility for what he wants in life. You'll help him achieve that, but the days of pushing him against his will are done.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 11:21

@picklemewalnuts yes, he's with us full time.

I have done everything for this child for the last 8 years. Gone to his school plays, parents evening, walked, cooked, Christmas, birthdays, clothes, trainers, school uniforms, school books, 3 holidays!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 11:23

Walked......washed even.

I have my own 3 children, 12, 13 and 14.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 11:25

And what’s his dad done for him? What’s your partner done for you?

It’s always a mistake to care or invest more than the actual parents. Your step son’s parents both sound fucking useless but that doesn’t make it your job to try and parent him alone. Not when his dad doesn’t even back you up and SS resents your involvement.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 11:26

Your own children are seeing your partner and his son taking the piss out of their mum. That’s bad for everyone.

Liervik · 09/03/2021 11:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Branleuse · 09/03/2021 11:28

Tell him that hes not your mum either, but you all live in this house and there are rules

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 09/03/2021 11:31

@MaLarkinn

His mother has not been in his life since he was 3 years old, he's seen her a couple of times since. She lives in another country, has never made the effort to see him here. We have offered to pay for her travel, stay etc but she turned us down. She had 2 more children after him and they are not in her care either.

I think I will step back completely here.

The relationship with his father is on its last legs I think and I always felt bad for the child but seeing his true feelings for me makes me feel a lot less guilty if I decide to end the relationship.

With the greatest of respect for the fact that you seem to be the only person in this child's life showing up for him.... you can't step back over a couple of 'you ain't my mums'. That's life with a teen. It's not ideal - it's FAR from ideal - but it is what it is. I've had two I hate yous this week and last week it was I wish anyone else in this entire universe was my mum instead of you. All over checking school work too...

Deal with it in the way that's appropriate to you and move on. You know he's testing you, is this the thing you want to walk away over?

Sssloou · 09/03/2021 11:31

If this is recent behaviour I would take comfort that it may be teenage transient stuff under the stress of COVID - and that all of the hard work you have put in over the 7 years is money in the emotional bank which will right itself in time.

What’s the story with his Dad - is his unemployment recent? Is this causing tension in the home? How do you feel about his Dad generally? If you are avoiding confrontation is it being sub consciously being played out between you and your step son?

Are there other children in this dynamic?

HoldontoOneMoreDay · 09/03/2021 11:31

Although of course if your relationship is on its last legs that's an entirely separate thing.