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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"You ain't my mum"

113 replies

MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:24

15 year old stepson has said this a couple of times recently and has also thrown in a couple of psycho comments.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Beamur · 09/03/2021 15:55

Such a sad thread to read.
It sounds to me like a rejected child pushing the boundaries with the one person who hasn't let him down. He doesn't hate you, he's afraid but doesn't recognise that.
He's also a teen and they can say and do impulsive things in the heat of the moment. Don't take it to heart.

Downthefarm · 09/03/2021 16:22

Teenagers can be -often are-this rude to their birth parents when they are this age, and thwarted about some nonsense or other. It's fine to say no crackers upstairs, or whatever, but for heavens sake don't "step back" over such trivia. He needs to rely on you, as he no doubt has for some years. I'm sure you wanted that at some stage. Please don't be another shit parent in his life now. He is nearly an adult. His father is another matter.

Carbara · 09/03/2021 21:41

I can’t understand why you moved an alcoholic child neglecter in to your kids home. You could have reported him to social services instead of dating him. Is the neglected child having therapy, at least?

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 23:39

@Carbara I didn't.

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Carbara · 10/03/2021 01:22

Cool. I must have misread your posts entirely, somehow, when you literally posted about moving an alcoholic male who neglects his kid into your own kids home. Oh well.

Carbara · 10/03/2021 01:22

So the neglected child is not receiving treatment for trauma then?

Eteri · 10/03/2021 01:34

I have raised several kids who are not 'mine' over the years, and almost all of them said this at one point or another as angry, hormonal teenagers. They're all adults now and I'm still their 'mum'. It's just another thing said out of frustration intended to hurt, like 'I hate you'. It doesn't mean anything.

BillHadersNewWife · 10/03/2021 01:37

I’d probably say “I’m not your biological mum but I like to think I’m a sort of mum”

Sakurami · 10/03/2021 05:21

Teenagers tend to go through horrible patches so don't take it personally. One of my teenagers has said a few very hurtful things to me but I love him and him back even if at times I go through patches of not liking the way he is. It is part of the course and don't take it personally. I hope you carry on being in his life as to him, you are his mum.

MazekeenSmith · 10/03/2021 05:57

You don't have PR for him but if he wanted to live with you he could. He's of an age to choose where he lives. It might be difficult for him to make that choice but if he wanted to and you wanted to keep him you could do it. You'd have to commit indefinitely though as he may not have the option to go to his dad if it doesn't work out with you.

MollyButton · 10/03/2021 05:59

He's a teenager. A lot of the negative shit teenagers say are defensive eg I feel I can't do French so I say it's useless. Even lashing out at you probably comes from the same cause.

At 15 he actually has some say in where he lives. So if you do ask his Dad to leave do also make it clear to him you are there for him. The poor thing has been so rejected by his own parents and could do with years of therapy.
I would also look at college courses he could do and ways he could explore things that interest him. Academics aren't for everyone.

Laeta · 10/03/2021 06:31

As a PP poster said if he was your son you'd be getting the "I wish you weren't my mum" comments. He's nearly 16 testing his boundaries.

I was in a similar position. My ex had an affair, I threw him out but step son wanted to stay with me, and my son. Which he did until he went to university.

Of course you love him and are exacerbated by him. That's what teenagers are all about.

Don't feel guilty asking his dad to leave, no matter what the lad has you in his corner. When he is 16 he can stay if he wants anyway can't he? His dad won't be able to force him to leave.

You sound a lovely step mum, wishing you all the best whatever you decide.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 09:06

@Carbara I think I mentioned his dad was an alcoholic when he was very young, he hasn't drank in years.

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Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 09:08

Thank you to everyone for your comments.

Myself and the child had a lovely chat yesterday evening. He really is a lovely kid and I'm going to arrange for him to see his mother in the summer.

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Sssloou · 10/03/2021 09:10

@MaLarkinn how are you feeling in this v emotionally complex situation?

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 09:12

For those that have asked, yes he does see a counsellor.

I started this through his school maybe a year and a half ago as I knew he would struggle with his absent mother and wanted to be ready for it.

My own mother left my family home when I was 14 so I know a little about how he's feeling.

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Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 09:17

@Sssloou thank you for asking. I just feel guilty really, guilty that if I end the relationship then he'll lose his home. I wanted him to grow up in a normal family home and he's almost 16 so at least I've got him this far.

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ZorbaTheHoarder · 10/03/2021 09:25

@MaLarkinn, I think you have done a great job for your step-son and he is lucky to have you in your life. I hope you can find a way through this difficult situation - perhaps without his father on the scene.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/03/2021 09:27

Poor lad. I feel for you both.

Do you think if you asked his dad to leave on his own, he would? He doesn't sound like an engaged father, and although you have no automatic legal rights, as a PP said your SS is old enough to make choices. Would him doing 50/50 or similar work, perhaps?

I have been in your position and it's so, so hard. My son's birth mum walked out when he was 3. I came on the scene when he was 5. That was 20 years ago. He still calls me mum and lives with me at the moment even though I split up with his dad when he was 11.

During the split my son was devastated and his dad did his best to alienate him from me 😒 but we maintained contact - I had him every weekend until his dad moved several hundred miles away, and then we had daily phone contact and he came to stay every school holiday.

At his age, if you both want, you can easily maintain a relationship. And I'd encourage you to do so because you seem to be one of the very few positive influences in this lad's life.

Please try not to be hurt when he lashes out - he is testing the boundaries and probably feels really adrift at the moment with not seeing his friends and teachers. Is he back now? Hopefully he might settle down a bit.

When you tell him you're splitting with his dad, he may well lash out dramatically and push you away - this is a defensive instinct to prevent him from being further hurt. Keep the communications open and keep reassuring him that although your relationship with his dad is over, you still love him very much and want him in your life.

Good luck, it's a hard and sometimes thankless task being a stepmum (or ex-stepmum) in these circumstances, but it is also rewarding. My son is now 25 and we are incredibly close. But he certainly put me through it at the age yours is now! I would recommend trying to get him a CAMHS referral, they were incredibly helpful when we were really struggling. I'd imagine there's quite a waiting list at the moment though.

justilou1 · 10/03/2021 09:29

Kids are a hell of a lot more perceptive than you think. Especially those who have been through trauma. My guess is that this guy can sense that you are pulling away emotionally (or have disconnected) from his father, and is feeling like his one sense of security is about to be ripped out from under his feet. I genuinely don’t believe you deserve to be saddled with a parasitic man you neither love nor respect just for the sake of his son, but there is a good chance that if you booted Daddyo out now, he wouldn’t bother coming back for him.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 10/03/2021 09:33

X-post - glad he's already having counselling. Do you ever speak with his counsellor? I used to check in about once a month with my son's and it was really helpful. She had some great suggestions about picking my battles and finding compromises that worked for everyone. She also gave me really essential help when he started self-harming - so when he was feeling the urge, we had an action plan to follow. (Thankfully that phase did not last long.)

Counsellor also used to let me know if there was something my son wanted support in talking to me about, and we got into a routine where I would join his appointment for the last 10 minutes or so, so we could have a discussion on anything that was bothering him that the counsellor felt I needed to know about.

VienneseWhirligig · 10/03/2021 09:37

I had this a couple of times at that age. I just said no, I'm not, but I'm here and haven't left". I am a bit ashamed now looking back (his mum abandoned him and his older brother when he was 2 and his brother 8) but I was fed up with the backchat. We generally got on fine (and still do) but I had reached my last nerve. After a bit of sulking he was fine.

misskick · 10/03/2021 09:42

Maybe he is really struggling with the school work and with that comes avoidance and shame. Even if it seems basic school work to you it may not be for him. If he didn't start school until eight he will be very behind. Has he had any tutoring 1-1 to catch up? He is taking it out on you as he probably feels secure enough too, sounds like you are the only decent role model in his life, treat him how you would treat your own children even when his words probably hurt.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 10:14

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation I don't think his father would leave him here with me, maybe he would let him stay initially until he got himself set up. I'd imagine he would be staying with friend's at first and I wouldn't be happy with the child sleeping on someone's couch, the thought of this breaks my heart. I think if push came to shove I would do everything to keep him here. He has routine, his own bedroom and lots of parental nagging Grin
I can't see it being a 50/50 arrangement, dad could see him whenever he wants. He would probably hate me but I don't really care, it's really about what's best for his son.

I was a stepmother before to my ex husband's daughter who was 4 when I came into her life, she is 25 now and we are still in touch. This is different as he's in my every day life, I do everything with and for him that I do for my own children.

His father doesn't really appreciate the importance of emotional support for young adults whereas I think you can't give them too much.
He used to be involved in his son's life so much more than he is now. I think he's depressed, he says he's depressed and feels down sometimes but that's his battle and not mine. Between working, looking after the home and 4 teenagers I don't have the time!

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Original poster
MaLarkinn · 10/03/2021 10:17

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation yes, I do speak to his counsellor, just to make sure he's engaging and happy to still go. He will only tell me what they've talked about if it's something I need to know.

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