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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

"You ain't my mum"

113 replies

MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:24

15 year old stepson has said this a couple of times recently and has also thrown in a couple of psycho comments.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/03/2021 14:30

I agree with his French and History comments too 😂😂😂😂

I would agree with him "no I'm not your Mum just a woman that loves you very much".

Of course he can stay with you and tbf if he chose to see you/stay with you can not go with your STBXH the courts would listen to him at his child. He is still a child of the marriage and when divorcing you would still have to detail contact arrangements.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/03/2021 14:31

Quite honestly your partner doesn't care about him, he's unemployed and doesn't seem to be contributing in any way and you are looking after 6 people.
I'd be more concerned about my own kids and my own future and be getting rid of the free loader. If you are not careful you will be stuck with your step son. It sounds like your partner won't be back for him.

airsealengineer · 09/03/2021 14:34

God that poor child! His mum abandoned him and now his relationship with his father is ending.

He must feel utterly shit. He clearly educationally, and surely must have emotionally. Is he getting professional support for any of this?

WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 09/03/2021 14:34

Poor little bastard doesn’t stand a chance really.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:36

His father and I are not married.

OP posts:
heydoggie · 09/03/2021 14:37

Honestly OP I find this so sad, and I think you need to have a think about your responsibilities to this child.

You say you've been in his life for eight years, by the sound of it you're the only proper parent he's even had. He will undoubtedly be comparing himself at this age to your younger children and struggling. Its actually very very common for children with one abusive parent to lash out at the other to reassure themselves they are loved. I'm not saying that's what he's doing but he has two neglectful parents, what sound like some form of additional needs or at least a history of neglect, and is acting like a typical teen. I was a nightmare at that age but I grew up to be a fully functioning adult, the main difference being I never had any reason to hurt my child.

If you split, would you want shared custody or visitation? Is he a half-sibling or only step-sibling to your children? I really wouldn't be taking him yelling that you aren't his mother as 'his true feelings' or a pass to walk away from the relationship. You have done an incredible thing stepping up for him, but I don't think its the kind of decision you can unilaterally step back from.

heydoggie · 09/03/2021 14:38

Sorry, massive typo there as I deleted the wrong part of a sentence - that should read I never had any reason to doubt my parents love for me as their child, not I never had any reason to hurt my child.

Sssloou · 09/03/2021 14:39

The relationship with his father is on its last legs I think and I always felt bad for the child but seeing his true feelings for me makes me feel a lot less guilty if I decide to end the relationship.

Sounds like this is really what is going on for you sub consciously.

You have decided to end the RS but you may have FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) around the step son and as this is unresolved this is leaking out in irritation with the SS maybe escalated by you in order to defend against your guilt?

I would step back and deal with the separation as a big picture - not get drawn into anything with the step son.

You need to decide what sort of RS or not you want in his life going forward.

What about your DC - how do they get on with their DB?

Handle this carefully - there are 4 DCs that need to be handled with kindness and respect because their lives are all about to change.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:40

He stands every chance if I'm in his corner. I haven't left it yet, I do actually love this child very much and I want the best for him.

OP posts:
lunarlife · 09/03/2021 14:44

Firstly if more people paid attention to history we wouldn't keep making the same bloody mistakes.
( just this week shows that history's lesson that royals marrying divorced Americans never ends well should have been heeded)

Secondly I wouldn't put up with what teen says but I wouldn't take it seriously. It is probably the meanest thing he can think to say at the time when he is cross.
He you were his mother he would probably be saying you were the worst mother in the world.

RandomMess · 09/03/2021 14:45

You can ask that DSS stays with you to complete his education is he year 10 or 11?

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:49

@heydoggie I would want to stay in his life,but I'm not married to his father and I have no parental rights. I would be heartbroken though and I would worry about him. I'm not intending on walking away from him but if his father leaves there's nothing I can do really.

He is my step son only, his father and I don't share any children.

I realise that he's acting up with me as he's probably just testing the waters with me.

I have told him I love him very much and I care about him and his school work. I'm the one that makes sure he eats, goes to bed at a reasonable hour, wakes up at a reasonable hour, asks where he's going, who with, what time are you going to be home blah, blah blah.

When he said the you're not my mother comment, I outlines all of the motherly things that I do for him and it was a shame that he felt like that as I saw him as a son and that's why I do all these things for him. A couple of months ago he did actually say malarkinn, you're like a mum to me, you've always been like a mum to me. I said that means the world to hear you say that me and we had a lovely chat.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:51

@RandomMess he is currently a year 8 student. He will be 16 soon.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 09/03/2021 14:52

I could ask the dad to leave in a flash (and I'm amazed you haven't done that before now) but I couldn't make the boy move as well. He'd lose his home and his siblings and you - within a couple of years, giving his intelligence levels, he'd end up in prison.

zoemum2006 · 09/03/2021 14:53

"I treat you with respect and I expect the same treatment in return."

Never accept rudeness even from a teenage boy.

I used to work in an all boys secondary school and they were perfectly capable of being civil.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:56

@zoemum2006 to be fair to him, he's normally a very well behaved boy and doesn't really give any cheek. Just lately this comment is being said to me when I speak to him about not doing his school work.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 09/03/2021 14:59

@MaLarkinn

He stands every chance if I'm in his corner. I haven't left it yet, I do actually love this child very much and I want the best for him.
Just keep that front of mind and try not to conflate it with the issues of his waster Dad.

SS has had a shocking start in life - he has missed out on so much basic nurturing in his early years that he is likely very emotionally, developmentally and intellectually delayed. It sounds like you have given him incredible support that he is making progress although it’s a real struggle for him but he will get there.

And all of the DCs will have sensed the change in dynamic between you and your DP which will make them anxious and unsettled even if they are not yet conscious of it.

Tough times for you to navigate.

stampsurprise · 09/03/2021 15:03

Sadly, I’ve found so often through life that no good deed goes unpunished.

I think you are right to want to step back OP.

Noidea2114 · 09/03/2021 15:04

What a sad situation. He sounds a very scared young man.
His father is a disgrace for not helping him.
Has he been checked for dyslexia with him answering 2×6 =21.

Shutupyoutart · 09/03/2021 15:17

If hes behind academically and your getting these comments mainly around school work it's most likely that hes frustrated/finding it challenging and just lashing out at you because your the closest one to him. Theres no excuse for him to be rude and hurtful to you op and its not ok but he's a teenager who's been through alot it seems, keep doing what your doing it sounds like you have been a great influence in this kids life and he needs you as much now as ever before

2pennyLou · 09/03/2021 15:23

You say Ma that he recently admitted that you were like his Mum. You also say that the relationship with his father is over, and if not for the fact that they'd have nowhere to go, you would have already ended it.

Children can be very intuitive. Could it be that this child senses that you're about to end things with his father, and so is pre-emptively withdrawing himself from you/rejecting you in order to protect himself from being hurt yet again? Afraid to be discarded by the one person who's actually shown love to him and taken care of him for the last 12 years?

I don't know anything about your financial situation, OP or if its feasible in anyway- but you say that you love and care for this child, have taken care for him since he was a tot, are possibly the only one who does care for him but have no parental rights. Is adopting him (and hence giving yourself some parental rights) at all feasible?
I don't even know this kid but the thought of him feeling all alone in the world and not being wrong about it is really heartbreaking.

  1. Maybe it's worth sitting down with him and being honest about everything: ie, explaining that no, you're not his Mum but you see him as a son and that's the case independent of your relationship with his father. Maybe that will give him some assurance so he won't keep pushing you away..
ikeepseeingit · 09/03/2021 15:24

He's saying it to push the boundaries with you. The one person he thinks he can trust and that loves him unconditionally. Put his comments down lightly, every teenage child goes through this stage. Think of it as his way ( in a weird teenage way ) of showing he loves you. It sounds backward, but he knows you're the only one he can talk back to without losing forever.

This doesn't mean you have to accept the comments though. He needs to know that he has to respect you so put the boundaries in place for him, but don't think it means you're not appreciated. It actually means you're doing a good job.

SionnachGlic · 09/03/2021 15:30

The temptation to resist correcting his grammer would neat kill me.... but in the circunstances I might ignore (but maybe not!)... and I would acknowledge that I am not his mother but I am entitled to respect & politeness. I did not read full thread but if he is just being irritating, I'd choose to repeat above & ignore the rest. If he is actively going out of his way to say & do things to upset you, I'd say it to his father in front of him (SS) & all have it out in the open.

Conkergame · 09/03/2021 15:46

OP I used to say this to my actual mum! It’s just teenage tantruming, don’t take it personally!

2020iscancelled · 09/03/2021 15:53

He sounds like he’s very lucky to have you in his life and to be honest his acting out just shows you how much he does see you as his mum or a mother figure. Kids tend treat their parents like crap and play the cute, helpful, polite teenager to every other adult. They save the hurtful comments and nasty behaviour for their parents don’t they, because they know they are safe and loved and saying shitty things won’t change that.

Sad situation to be in but he’s so nearly there, these last couple of years could make all the difference to the outcomes of his life. Not saying you should stay with his dad because of that, but don’t pull away from a child you love and who loves you just because they’re being a bit of a shitty teenager

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