"You ain't my mum"

[MaLarkinn]

15 year old stepson has said this a couple of times recently and has also thrown in a couple of psycho comments.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, how did you deal with it?

@misskick he's not had ant formal 1 to 1 tutoring, just myself at home and the extra supports he gets through school. I said in an earlier post that he wasn't very bright which isn't fair on him as he is actually very good at some things.
His father will say that if he doesn't have the brains then he'll have to work with his hands. I tell my children that the whole world is open to them and they can be whatever they want to be. I just can't understand him sometimes.

Wow that must have been really really tough for you being abandoned by your mother when you were only 14.

Have you ever had any professional support to explore, heal, resolve this huge emotional wound? I would also suspect that your life before that with you DM was not 100% emotionally nurturing.

You sound like an incredible Mum to all 4 DCs but have been let down by a series of important RS in your life. That’s really hard for you.

Finishing the RS must be hugely triggering for you as DSS is more or less the same age as you were and you can also see how vulnerable he is (and how you were at 14) - but know that whatever decisions you take or arrangements you come to with his father you should not feel any guilt because you have not and will not be abandoning this child.....you have done so much for him emotionally and educationally that no one can take away from him and will last him for life.

If you choose that his DF has to move on and out and his DS goes with him - this is not abandonment - as you can maintain a RS if he isn’t living in the home - it’s what happens when any parents separate. Also at his age (GCSE year) other young people move into digs for apprenticeships, go to residential colleges etc - from 14 - 18 I stayed at my aunt’s quiet house M-F to be able to study away from the chaos of my family situation.

I would lose the guilt - it’s just crippling and distorts your thinking - and would think what works for you and your DCs first in the short and medium term and then decide how much or how little you want to offer to DSS. Be confident and clear headed about this. DSS will have his own ideas as will STBXP and the dynamics may change over time.

But you have every right to move STBXP on ASAP.

This is v emotional for you - don’t let the guilt simmer into contempt and resentment. Work out what you and your DCs need first and foremost.

The boy has 2 parents who don't care about him. He's been abandoned by his mum and his dad seems less than useless....he didn't start school in time, so clearly isn't achieving to the level he should be.

It's a terrible shame he's been let down by the people who brought him into this world. People have kids at the drop of a hat, when they have no business doing so...your SS is the result of this.

@SandyY2K yes, he's been let down massively by his parents. It's quite disgusting really.

@Sssloou no, I've never really had any counselling about my own situation with my mother, not to speak of anyway. Her leaving changed my life overnight, she left with my best friends father, horrific time. We are great friends now and I hold no grudges. I'm one of those people who just gets on with things.

I am glad that you have a good RS with your mother now but that must have left a deep wound.

How would you like the situation to go with the separation and DSS? What suits you and your DCs for the future? Be honest with yourself what is the ideal outcome for you - don’t be clouded by guilt - and only then think of how this can be implemented kindly.

@Sssloou gosh, yes it left a huge wound. Changed my life forever.

In a ideal world, I would like to keep step son with me or at the very least stay in his life as a mother figure and be involved in his education.

After he's 16, surely he can live where he likes? His Dad can't force anything on him?

Sorry haven't rtft HOWEVER,for the most part, I don't let teen angst bother me but take great delight in giving a mark out of ten based on how teenage their performance has been.
I often give pointers on how they can improve eg 'That would be so much more effective if you did some side eye or an eye roll with that statement'. Or 'your job will only be done if you can make an adult cry'. They know that won't be me though.

OP to say you ain't my mum is pretty much 'standard' cheek in the same way my children used to call me a weirdo.
You sound like the kind of person I would like to know for what it's worth x

[quote MaLarkinn]@Sssloou gosh, yes it left a huge wound. Changed my life forever.

In a ideal world, I would like to keep step son with me or at the very least stay in his life as a mother figure and be involved in his education.[/quote]
That’s an amazingly generous gift you can offer him - I don’t know what you feel guilty about then.

I assume then that you are aware that your STBXP will be difficult / obstructive or that you will then have to continue to be in contact with him - but you wouldn’t have to.

Your SS might be unsettled with the offer or manipulated by his Dad - but keep the doors open and contact up even if he leaves initially he may well find his way back to you in a few weeks.

Is he in Year 11 - does he have important educational milestones or changes coming up?

Haven't read all the responses, just your posts OP. I'd say you ARE his mother to all intents and purposes and your feelings for him are those of a mother.

I have a DC the exact same age and get similar comments, some much worse. They are adopted and suffered trauma in early life - sounds like your step son didn't have the best deal in life early on either, which may have affected his self esteem and confidence.

I try very hard to take what my DC says with a pinch of salt as I know they don't really mean it. The words come from stress and anxiety plus the usual teen rebellion.

Sorry to hear about your relationship with his dad. If you break up, there is no reason for your relationship with his son not to continue. At 16 he can make his own choices.

Personally in your shoes, I couldn't leave the parenting to his father whatever happened in our relationship, and just saying its his responsibility, not yours, as someone did upthread, is not a morally sound position to take imo.

Hope you can work things out.

*I don't allow any food upstairs, my house, my rules.

This rule has been in place since forever. Along with no shoes on carpets.*

....and you "check" a 15 year old's homework.

You really AREN'T relaxed.