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Original poster

"You ain't my mum"

113 replies

MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 10:24

15 year old stepson has said this a couple of times recently and has also thrown in a couple of psycho comments.

If you've ever been on the receiving end of this, how did you deal with it?

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 11:33

@Liervik yes, this has been my guess too.

It's so sad for him.

OP posts:
Sssloou · 09/03/2021 11:34

I would also look with compassion on this child who has been physically abandoned by his mother and emotionally abandoned and neglected by his father.

Are you happy in a RS with a man who treats his child like this?

How does he treat you?

Magnificentmug12 · 09/03/2021 11:36

Ok that’s different though, he lives with you full time and he was abandoned by his mum, the one person who is supposed to love you unconditionally. (I know dads too but it’s rarer for mums to leave)

At 15 it’s a hard time in life, coupled with everything he has had to deal with, it’s probably all coming back to haunt him as his hormonal.

I’d just say, well I’m the closest thing you got so I expect you to treat me as such!

;to be honest though 15 year olds do give it too parents because they think they know everything and life is unfair! So sweet.

Notcrackersyet · 09/03/2021 12:07

@AnneLovesGilbert

And what’s his dad done for him? What’s your partner done for you?

It’s always a mistake to care or invest more than the actual parents. Your step son’s parents both sound fucking useless but that doesn’t make it your job to try and parent him alone. Not when his dad doesn’t even back you up and SS resents your involvement.

Couldn’t agree more !
ItsReallyOnlyMe · 09/03/2021 12:59

"The relationship with his father is on its last legs I think and I always felt bad for the child but seeing his true feelings for me makes me feel a lot less guilty if I decide to end the relationship."

I know someone who is an adult (his mother died in childbirth) whose stepmother who had been in his life for years, left the father and didn't take him with her - but she did take the half-siblings. He has never got over it.

Your step-so has been effectively rejected by both parents already - his words are just a 15 year old speaking and not to be taken personally.

Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 13:04

I probably wouldn't be asking to check a 15 year olds homework. It's none of my buisness. He isn't 5.

...and why cant he eat crackers and cheese upstairs?

You aren't a psycho but I can see why he was irritated.

PussGirl · 09/03/2021 13:06

I don't allow crumbly food in bedrooms either OP

123344user · 09/03/2021 13:12

"I'm not, but that's a dick thing to say, excuse my language. And given you don't hoover your bedroom it's out of order to spray crumbs all over it. And you have never have had to deal with mice, I have, and believe me I have good reason to not want crumbs left everywhere... Look, I know stuff isn't ideal but you're taking it out on me when I'm not the cause and that is Not On mate"

  • he doesn't have to know if you're lucky enough not to have ever dealt with mice... That can be a white lie 😎
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 13:32

I don't allow any food upstairs, my house, my rules.

This rule has been in place since forever. Along with no shoes on carpets.

I'm a pretty relaxed parent to be honest.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 13:37

@Wanderlusto I shouldn't have to check but I do. When I left it up to him, he hadn't submitted it, for months.

This kid didn't start school until he was 7/8 And lacks even basic Maths skills.

If I asked him what is 2x6 he has no idea, 21 was the answer.

God forgive me for saying it but he really is not very bright at all so I'm trying to help him as much as possible.

OP posts:
Sillysandy · 09/03/2021 13:45

"I know I'm not but I still love you and want the best for you. Nobody in this house brings food upstairs, you are a member of this family and you know that."

I would have thought it was a predictable reaction from him if your relationship with his father is on its last legs; he's been neglected by both his parents and now it looks like you're off too. He could feel very insecure and is pushing you away to see if you go.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 13:50

He wouldn't realise our relationship is on its last legs, no fighting or bad atmosphere, just me quietly realising that I don't love his father anymore.

The end of the relationship will come as a shock to many.

I would want to keep him with me in an ideal world, but I have no parental rights.

It's my house and it would be them leaving.

I think I've been used all these years to raise his son.

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FunnysInLaJardin · 09/03/2021 13:53

@Wanderlusto

I probably wouldn't be asking to check a 15 year olds homework. It's none of my buisness. He isn't 5.

...and why cant he eat crackers and cheese upstairs?

You aren't a psycho but I can see why he was irritated.

This! I have a 15 year old and can see he would be irritated by this type of micro managing.

They are becoming adults and need to be given latitude and responsibility.

Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 13:55

If be doesnt know what 2x6 is at 15 then I doubt theres anything you can do to help. Other than maybe get him a doctors appointment because it sounds more like he could have undiagnosed autism or something.

Lolapusht · 09/03/2021 14:01

He sounds like a damaged boy who has been rejected by his mum and neglected by his dad. Why didn’t he go to school until he was 7/8? Sounds like all of the adults in his life (apart from you) have let him down and given him rubbish blueprints for relationships. People who are meant to love you and provide you with security and comfort leave you and don’t take an interest in you. They reject you. You are not worth their love, the most basic thing any person should expect from a parent. His attachments are probably completely f*cked which is why he’s being awful to you. Your the only one who has shown him care and love and he a) doesn’t know how to process that b) will be desperate not to lose it but doesn’t know what to do with it. Add into that normal teenage stuff and it’s a recipe for disaster. What sort of support is he getting from school? Extra help? Tutoring? Has he been checked to find out if he’s dyslexic etc? If he has missed vital years of schooling that hasn’t been made up then of course he’s not going to try at school. He’ll hate it because he doesn't know how to learn or how to “do school”. Is he in trouble a lot or is he bullied or is he a bully? All of those things may be related to his past and can probably show what his future may hold. Yes he’s 15, yes he needs to follow the rules but bloody hell, he needs a dad who doesn’t damage him and he needs adults to do some adulting.

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:01

It wasn't micro managing at all. His year head contacted me, told me He hasn't been submitting work, I then asked to look at his Teams app. Up until then I had just been offering my help as I know he struggles a lot.

Also, no autism. He will openly admit he doesn't care, can't see the point in French, he's never going to France, can't see the point in History, it's in the past Hmm

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 14:03

And you say 'all these years'. How many years?

Are you sure he wasnt just talking the piss about 2x6 btw?

Otherwise how have you lived with a boy for years who cant do simple math and not done anything about it? Or rather, lived with a man who has never done anything about his sons education struggles?

FunnysInLaJardin · 09/03/2021 14:04

Ma, it doesn't sound like you like him very much tbh.

Wanderlusto · 09/03/2021 14:04

@MaLarkinn

It wasn't micro managing at all. His year head contacted me, told me He hasn't been submitting work, I then asked to look at his Teams app. Up until then I had just been offering my help as I know he struggles a lot.

Also, no autism. He will openly admit he doesn't care, can't see the point in French, he's never going to France, can't see the point in History, it's in the past Hmm

Tbf he is right.

French and history are pretty useless subjects xD

StarsonaString · 09/03/2021 14:05

You are on a hiding to nothing OP if you are going to kick his father out (as you should - he sounds awful). Would your STBX even want to take the boy with him? What would their housing options be?

Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:10

@Lolapusht I'm not 100% sure why he didn't go to school for the first couple of years. I know as a young child he was left at home alone when his father was working.
His father was an alcoholic when he was younger and I think he was left alone a lot, also in the evenings, so his father could drink more than likely.
He's not a bully, nor is he being bullied. He has a nice group of friends and he himself is a gentle, kind boy.

When I first realised how behind he was at school, I arranged to meet with his Teacher to see how we could help him. That took a lot of effort. I started right back at the beginning with him. I had a daughter at the time who was in senior infants so I used her books to help him. He has had learning support classes for maths and English all through the years.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:18

@Wanderlusto are you him Grin

My last message should answer some of your questions. And also, we didn't live together straightaway of course but when I did start doing his homework with him when he was younger, I did of course help him.

No, definitely not taking the pics with his answer to maths question, I've been doing work with him for years.

French and history are not the most important subjects, none of them are to him, they were just 2 examples of what he has said to me recently.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:19

@FunnysInLaJardin of course I like him. I do everything for this child and want the very best for him.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaLarkinn · 09/03/2021 14:23

@StarsonaString his father would absolutely want to take son with him. He'd need to rent somewhere, he'd be absolutely fucked right now as he's unemployed. He could stay with friend's but I can't think of anyone that could take them in. His son would have no room of his own.

They would both be shell shocked if I'm honest.

I would offer to keep the son with me until the father got settled, I'm not completely heartless.

OP posts:
StarsonaString · 09/03/2021 14:29

Would he actually want to go with his father? Your STBX has been a seriously neglectful, abusive parent from what you just said about being left alone. Sounds like he still does fuck all with his son. DSS may shout at you but it sounds like normal teen stroppiness and actually, he likely knows who cares for him more.

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