Advice I am the other woman

[emilysof1]

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

By the sound of it there is no future for you OP in this partucular scenario and with this particular man - the fact that it started as a ONS, the age of his children, the fact that he puts off leaving....they are indicators that he will stay where he is for reasons that make sense to him.

But on a wider point, some people really do live in sexless marriages and it is not always a line. And some men do leave their wives/marriages. And shockingly, some people (albeit a minority) do go on to form happy and loving relationships with the other woman or man.

Thing is, even if you 'win' him, as my exs ow did.. You win a man who lies to the mother of his kids, who fucks another woman while his wife washes his pants and puts his kids to bed. Even if you say together, you will always be the ow in everyone's eyes. Decades later, it's still a thing that people remember. And depending on how his wife handles it, you'll be in for years of acrimonious contact and maintenance issues with the absolutely justified anger and hate she might feel to you (until she gets to the stage of blissful indifference and realisation that they are better off not being married to a dishonest lying shit). Plus you are going to be part of the narrative forever as to why those kids had to split their lives in half. My kids still hate it, years later. They still wish their dad lived with us. Do you really want to be part of that?

Shouldn't have gotten involved with a married man then. What did you expect?

And I can almost guarantee that he still has sex with his wife.

Pick up your dignity off the floor and leave.
Find your own partner, not someone else's.

And who do you think you will be? His children will know what you both did at some point. His wife will always be in his life as the mother of his children. He will always be a man capable of cheating and lying and sleeping around.
I never understand why OW find it so easy to believe a man can lie to their wife and isn’t lying to them. Why would you think that?
He is highly unlikely to be sleeping in the other room. He’s just following the script, and you are part of wrecking a young family. Lots of families struggle while kids are little. It’s really hard. Why on earth do you think you have a right to be in a relationship with another woman’s husband?

In your OP you mention sounding selfish. Spot on. You are deluded and allowing that selfish delusion to break apart the lives of this man's children if you carry on with this. Go out and find your own man is my constructive advice.

He won't be leaving. He's having the best of both worlds.

The question you should ask yourself is why you want a man that cheats on his wife and lies to his children.

Whenever I see these threads I always think of Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally.

He's never going to leave her. How much of your life do you fancy wasting being a side chick?

I dont know why ow dont tell the wives. I would have been grateful for not allowing me to feel like my choices on my future had been taken away and been made to live an unwitting lie.

@CelestialGalaxy I did after I blocked him. I wrote to her, but I don't think she did anything about it. I do think women have a right to know what's going on in their own lives so they can decide how they want to live.

I was called 'narcissistic' on here for thinking she should know. I'm not, I just thought she should know. She's in her early 50s and financially independent, she could do something else with her life if she wanted.

But he actually is a narc, lies to her and treats her badly, and I've heard she waits on him hand and foot.

Hate to say this OP but you're the other woman for a reason. What have you got to be jealous of? He's not your husband.

Raise your standards. If he was going to leave here he wouldn't still be making excuses months later. You're just a bit of skirt he can keep on the side. Stop fooling yourself and have sone dignity. Is that seriously all you think you're worth? Being a bit of crumpet on the side? Show him you're worth more by finding your own man and stop making a fool of yourself.

The end.

Dumb move to get involved with a married man, this is exactly why you shouldn't. He's shagging you for thrills, and is showing that, if you were to 'win' him, he'd be just the man to do it to you once the novelty has worn off.
You want to believe him, but that does not make what he says true, his actions say otherwise. He's also proving what a liar he is every single day with his wife.
Get some self respect, married men should be off limits, not just because of morality, but because you will always be lower down the priority list after his family and you should want more than that for yourself. You are pipe-dreaming too much.

Ltb

Can't see why he'd leave his own kids to shack up with your kids, presuming you live with them

Happened to me. Ex blindsided me. I’m sure he told his affair partner all those things your lover has told you. We have kids. I hit absolute rock bottom. Utter devastation. Took me years to recover from the shock and trauma. Educated myself on affairs and learnt a new word - limerence. Please don’t do this to a family.

Tell him your Alta ego is Meryl Streep.

@HermitsLife

Whenever I see these threads I always think of Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally.

He's never going to leave her. How much of your life do you fancy wasting being a side chick?

Aww, me too. Have you read Nora Ephron (who wrote WHMS as well as Heartburn and so much brilliant journalism)?

He will string you along for as long as he can. Set yourself and him a date, then stick to it. Alternatively wait 6 or more years and lose the chance of a real relationship with someone who really loves you and doesn't see you as his bit on the side. I'd be tempted to stalk his SM and see if you can see him (from a distance) with his real family, to see if the tales are true. You can gauge a lot from body language.

No I haven't @DropDTuning Another author to add to my list

The ONLY way these shits of men ever learn if they are hit, and hit hard, in places where it fucking hurts: money and infidelity - to pay back the favours.

Men really can't take their darling wife preferring someone else and fucking his brains out, it crushes their fragile ego.

Money is obvious.

I wouldn't believe a word he says.
My exH was able to sit in counselling sessions for months on end telling me and a professional his affair was a mistake, he wanted to fix the marriage etc. All bollocks.

If he wanted to leave he'd have left his wife by now.

Think about what it will mean to him to leave , financial , relationship with his ex, his family and friends reaction etc etc . Then building a relationship with your children and family . It’s a spagetti junction of mess and consequences.

I also bet he is sleeping with his wife .

He is not going to leave is he ? You know it deep down .

Finish it .

He’s not going to leave her.

Denial is not a river in Egypt, dear. He’s not leaving his wife, he is definitely shagging his wife. You are just the After 8 dinner mint in his life.

I am the child of a father who cheated my 'dad' told OW the same things.. Cheating husbands always do.
You know even if he leaves the mother of his children their is a 99% chance he will do EXACTLY the same to you.
My 'dad' and his OW are still together she makes YouTube videos about women's and mothers rights! such a hypocrite makes me nauseous.
They are still together he married her after 35 years so me and my brother wouldn't inherite the house.
I don't speak to him anymore and she will always be that 'bitch'
He was so confused when he was found out (him and her were in the paper because their was a fire at the place they were) didn't know who to pick thank god my mother had some balls and told him to pee off.
Do you really want to be that 'bitch' to his kids? It's been 39 years for me and his Children will NEVER forget what YOU are!

Advice: stop collectively ruining his poor wife's life and leave him.

It damaged me not having a father I know you don't care about his kids but please reconsider you are not only messing up the girlfriends life you are taking down a WHOLE family with you