Advice I am the other woman

[emilysof1]

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

He’s trash OP - don’t be the same.

Pack him back off to his wife and block, block, block.

I was the idealistic OW. I was young . He did leave his wife for me and we married. Guess what /several affairs (his) we are divorcing.
A prescient and kind friend said to me at the time -‘he must be a very good liar’
Another said ‘ Not taking the moral high ground, just sad because I think you will get hurt’
They were absolutely right.
OP please walk away.
Even of you ‘win’ -you really won’t when he does the same to you.

OP isn't coming back. Her fingers are firmly in her ears.

@HermitsLife

Whenever I see these threads I always think of Carrie Fisher in When Harry Met Sally.

He's never going to leave her. How much of your life do you fancy wasting being a side chick?

I haven't watched this film...

@rulerbirds

Tell his wife. If I was her I would want to know. She deserves to know he’s mucking her around. Are you having unprotected sex with him?

It may sound ironic but I don't want to hurt her. And I don't want to be the one to out it all.

“It may sound ironic but I don't want to hurt her.”
I really don’t intend to be mean but honestly you already are. You’re actively aiding and abetting him in his awful treatment of her.

Maybe you should be the person to walk away after all you know it's wrong. You said you don't want to hurt his wife well then leave and maybe they can salvage their relationship. Oh and he is sleeping with her and they are not in separate rooms and he is not going to leave her. He's having his cake and eating it you are just making it easy for him.

Really don't understand why you are asking for advice.

You must know hes lying. If you believe him then you are genuinely a complete idiot.

He wants a shag. You are providing that.

I guarantee if you finish with him he won't be chasing you to get you back.

@Loopyloututu2

Oh god, this again (so many of these OW threads lately) He’s not going to leave her becuase he doesn’t want to: They probably still have hot sex He probably still loves her He probably has a very cosy, happy home life He doesn’t want to leave his children He doesn’t want it all to come out in the open and everyone he knows find out what a rat-bastard he is

It’s all such a massive cliche. He gets a bit of excitement from you OP, you’re a thrill to keep his life interesting and it’s a massive ego boost to him to have two women to shag. He’ll see how far he can go with you and then when (if) you give him an ultimatum or end things with him he’ll move on to someone else (how did you meet btw? Online dating by any chance?)

You really need to get some self respect and ditch the loser.
Oh, and also - tell his wife - she deserves to know what a cunt she’s married to.

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

Op it’s the oldest line in the book he’s never going to leave his wife for you, I mean why would he when he’s got his wifey tending to his every need and a little bit on the side to satisfy his other needs? I can guarantee if you said look I’m breaking up with you but once you have legally separated and shown me proof we can become an item you wouldn’t here jack off him. He may say how he’s got a terrible marriage how his wife neglected him and how he has to wait until the right time to leave etc it’s complete fairytale, he ain’t going to disrupt his cosy set up for a leg over if anything he will easily find someone to fill your place op , please have some self respect and tell him to never contact you.

Well op men won’t turn down a free meal?

Sorry op my wifi is playing up , in your answer you want to know why the married man you are sleeping with would sleep with you if he wasn’t getting it off his partner? Because men are greedy and will never turn down a free meal , sorry op it sounds terrible but I’ve been quoted this off various piggy men who tried to justify sleeping with freinds partners

Seriously? You are his bit on the side. His little secret. He's not going to leave his wife/partner for you. Grow the fuck up

@emilysof1 there are plenty of men, more than you think, who will happily take what you’re throwing at them.

But he goes home to his wife and you’re the dirty little secret.

It’s so sad that you don’t think you’re better than that.

@Krazynights34 I loved your reply. My only regret is that I didnt know you sooner!.

Op take it from me, the guy is a sleazy player. He does not respect you, he loves himself only. Think of his children. Cut him off. If he wants you, he can make himself available, but he won't.
Respect yourself, because he won't ever respect you.
Take it from me, been there. My ex, didnt have children, and told me his relationship was over, but he had to finish doing up the house to sell it. I believed him. I was a moron.

‘Hot sex’ should not be expected in all stages of a long-term relationship, especially with young children.

If he didn’t still love her, why hasn’t he left?

Men are happy to cheat so they get a thrill, validation, attention and excitement. It’s not that he loves you more.

My ex had hot sex with me the night before I discovered he’d been having an affair for a few months. Don’t be so naive to think they’re in separate bedrooms never touching each other. If he wasn’t getting something at home he’d have left her for you ages ago, but he hasn’t..

He’s not your man
If he wanted to be with you he would
He’s a scum bag
Do yourself a favour and break it off
Do his wife a favour and tell her
There’s a saying that when a husband leaves his wife he creates a vacancy or something along those lines.

If he can do this with you, he will do this to you.

I feel sorry for you all, his wife and children he has betrayed and you because to you, he is your everything right now but to him, you are his side chick - he’s manipulating and stringing you along.

Tell her, put it behind you, find someone decent and hope you are never the wife in this situation.

My man tells me he is leaving his partner.

Only he's not. Your man that is.

**It may sound ironic but I don't want to hurt her. And I don't want to be the one to out it all.

Stop shagging him then.

@emilysof1
If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It dIf they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

Because he can.

OP, some men are like dogs. They will have sex with anyone who smiles. These men are charmers. They are superb at making you feel that you are the most important person in the world.
If you don't believe us, try spending time with him, with no sex at all. Just say, youre not happy to have sex whilst he's still with someone. See how long it lasts for. If he loved you, he'd invest in your reltaionship. He's taking advantage because youre allowing him to. If your relationship is so wonderful, then why is he not leaving his wife.
Remove the sex, remove the issue. If he respects you, he wont mind there not being hot sex. He will understand. But you will convince yourself, that your connection is so strong, that you can't keep your hands off each other.
Ask yourself this. what relationships are built on 'hot sex with no commitment? Answer is one night stands, affairs, and prostitutes.
Sadly, too many of us have fallen for the excitement. and then fallen flat on our faces.

There is a simple solution to this; end it. Tell him he can rekindle things with you after he has divorced his wife.

Oh dear.

The phrase having his cake and eating it springs to mind!

The fact that he has delayed, delayed, delayed should be screaming at you that he has zero intention.
I highly doubt he will leave his wife, I highly doubt that he never has a sexual relationship with her and I highly doubt there is zero affection.
He's spinning you lies and your hanging onto each word.

He made a life-long commitment to his other half. Cheating on that commitment is one thing but completely leaving it and breaking down a home with children in, in reality, must be awfully difficult and painful.

Please consider leaving. For the children's sake, the wife's sake and for yours. What life lesson will you and he teach the children about trust? How can you live happily knowing there will always be resentment from the children and the wife? How can he live without resenting himself for breaking down a home? His children are far more of a priority than you, I'm sorry. They came first and they don't get a choice in this!

Him leaving on his own is so different to leaving for someone else.

Please walk away. The hurt for those children could truly be irreparable. It isn't your problem that their relationship seems stuck, that's hers and his to deal with in their own way.