Advice I am the other woman

[emilysof1]

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

"My man"
He isn't your man. He's someone else's. Someone he took vows with. Even if he does leave to be with you it won't be the perfect relationship you think it will, and if he can cheat with you he will cheat on you.

OP...

You desperately need to wise up for so many reasons. But everything else aside, this man has already shown you what a cowardly, mistrustful, cheating scumbag he is.

Are your seriously this desperate to have a man in your life?

Are you seriously this dim and naive to believe the Everyman script of ‘we’ve drifted apart, we don’t sleep together..’.

The only way he ends up with you is when his wife finds out, kicks him out and he comes crawling to you (whilst highly likely trying to get back with her).

What will you tell all of the children?

How will you ever trust him?

Stop being such a mug.

From experience, cut your losses and walk away.

He won’t leave his wife for you, if he was going to then he would have done something about it. You have no idea about his home situation or how things are, he is feeding you a line so you feel sorry for him. Do you really want to be with a man like this?

@Pelagi and all the other ex wives, do you wish you had been told by the ow the first time your ex strayed? I do, would have saved many years.
I dont know why ow dont tell the wives. I would have been grateful for not allowing me to feel like my choices on my future had been taken away and been made to live an unwitting lie.

The pair of you are a disgrace.

End it, go no contact and get on with your life. If he wants to be with you he will have to do something about it.

That's the only way you'll know if he's one of the tiny minority who will follow through and leave.

The trouble is that, especially with small children, it will not be a quick process for him to work through to be in a stable situation to move forward with you. By then you may have moved on.

Another cheated on wife here. Please look after yourself, as he's using you. It's true people fall out of love, and marriages break down, but that isn't what is happening here. If it was he would have left. Men who want to commit, commit. Men who don't, make excuses.

My exDH treated his affair partner as badly as he treated me. She was emotionally destroyed by him. I feel angry on her behalf as he fed her a load of bull, and then dropped her. Very unkind to treat another human like that.

Think what you would say to a best friend who had got themselves into a similar situation, and say it to yourself.

As you have no common decency I hope he leaves her and you get what you deserve.

I think the more useful question to ask would be “why am I accepting this relationship” or “why am I putting up with this type of relationship”?

If I were you I’d end the relationship with him, but tell him that you’ll be willing to look at restarting a relationship with him only once he has separated from his wife and made significant steps towards setting up a separate life (eg separate houses and child care arrangements etc).

@CelestialGalaxy yes, I agree. I wish I’d known at the time. Would have given me 10 years back.

Just block him and move on. You already have children, you need a stable home, you don't need the aggravation of being messed about by this man. Don't blame yourself for the affair - he is the one who is married and all the blame lies with him. Cut him off and don't let him mess with your head ever again.

You can't possibly feel terrible or regretful, stop trying to justify helping to split up a family.
Are you not totally ashamed at your lack of morals, were you dragged up?

OP, I think the best thing you can do is walk away, even if you love him. He’s not treating either you or his wife very nicely at all and you’re wasting your life hanging on waiting for him. As others have said, you’ll soon know then one way or the other.

💚x

If you want him to leave her then send her foolproof evidence of your affair so that she kicks him out and he can’t return.

I wish I’d known earlier instead of finding out by accident.

You’re just a shag, hun. I never have any sympathy for the OW but all I’ll say is leave him to his own miserable life (or so he says) and find someone who isn’t unavailable. It’s not hard.

I can’t believe you are calling someone else’s husband “my man”.

His wife means more to him than you... and he’s willing to cheat on her!

You’re so far down the pecking order and you have no clue. You’re his spare. A bit of fun.

Even if he does leave his wife you'll never trust him and your "relationship" with him will eventually break down anyway. Trust me I'm talking from experience. Also if he does leave her for you, be prepared not to be involved in his life properly for a while. You won't meet his family, friends, coworkers etc as he won't want people to know he's had an affair. Again, I'm talking from experience. Is it really worth the heartache and mental torture for a man that is a cheating scum bag anyway??? Just leave him now and move on to someone who is available.

@SoulofanAggron

It started out as a one night stand

@emilysof1 This suuggests that you're not special to him. If he can have an ONS with you he can have an ONS with other people too, and probably has in the past. And/or you were just there at the right time.

OP this is what screams out the most People can develop feeling s over time that they then act on But he didn't know you and couldn't have felt anything for you This is what you need to focus on Set one more date then make it final and forget him

They ALWAYS lie! My ex used to say all sorts of rubbish to his OW none of it true! Get yourself some dignity and leave this situation now. The longer it goes on the harder it will be to end it. Hes got no intention of leaving his wife and kids, you are just wasting your life waiting for something that's never going to happen. All the while he is loving life getting the best of both worlds while mugging you and his wife off!

You're his bit on the side, he's never leaving his wife. Why would he leave when he gets family life with wifey and a shag when he feels like it with you?

Pick yourself up, get some self respect and move on. This is just one bad experience for you, put it behind you and focus on building up your confidence. You can get your own man, you don't need someone else's.

He is a shit, LTB, unless of course you love the drama of it all.

I was an OW, my AP fed me all sorts of lines, how much I meant to him, he loved me, made me promises.

Then his wife found out, I thought that would be the catalyst for him to leave, it wasn't. Not only that but she seems to have forgiven him and he is still with her.

It is easy to get duped by someone when they feed you lies, I was devastated when it ended, I developed feelings for him before I was the OW anyway and it has been extremely hard for me but I can now see I was just a bit on the side. Slightly different for me as I am also married.

You need to see this too, and move on. He isn't going to leave her for you. I know it is hard but don't waste time waiting for him, there is the right one out there for you who will give you what you need x

OP, imagine you can have that which you desire. Look! A magic wand! Swoosh, swoosh...

Now read this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/4158934-Do-you-enjoy-being-a-step-parent

Want another wish?

@Devlesko

You can't possibly feel terrible or regretful, stop trying to justify helping to split up a family. Are you not totally ashamed at your lack of morals, were you dragged up?

Of course she can. Its perfectly common for people to do things out of self interest and still genuinely feel bad about them. Life is often complicated and conflicted like that. In fact, its probably one of the differences between a normal person and a psychopath.