Advice I am the other woman

[emilysof1]

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

You sounds painfully gullible OP, at least take off your rose tinted glasses and see this for what it really is.

I used to work with a woman who had an affair with a married older man when she was in her early 20s. Like in your case, this man kept promising to leave, right after his child’s birthday, then the holiday his wife had booked, then Christmas etc. Then it became once the kids were in college, that gave him a few years....
She was in her 50s when I met her, had never been married, never had her own children and was still waiting for this scumbag to leave his wife. She might finally get him one day, if his wife dies before him and he needs someone else to wash his scabby pants. What a prize worth giving up your whole life for.

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense
In a long-term relationship, it's unlikely to be "hot" madly passionate, lust driven sex - that fades in most relationships after a year or so, however they could well still be having sex.

The hot, new, lustful, exciting, novel part comes from sex with other women.

That's why lots of men who cheat do so. Also I do think some of them convince thwmselves they might leave, but when push comes to.shove ...

Anyway you're thinking like a woman; most women won't cheat for sex, lots of men aren't like that. They may as well be a different species.

Ditto about loving her .. some men see love for their partner as compatible with "what they don't know won't hurt them, I'm entitled to this etc." cheating.

Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him.

You're right, I did laugh when I read that. It's part of a cheater's script and you have fallen for it.

I would really love to know - do you feel no shame in trying to steal another woman's man? Do you not have an ounce of empathy for his children ? Do you have so little self respect?

It's scummy behaviour and you know it.

An acquaintance of mine is currently in throes of 'paying back' to her cheating DH by having a steamy affair, she has lost the moral high-ground but the chap is not married nor in a relationship.
Everybody knows apart from her DH.
Sordid and cringeworthy.
Affairs always are so distasteful.

@MarshmallowAra

Ditto about loving her .. some men see love for their partner as compatible with "what they don't know won't hurt them, I'm entitled to this etc." cheating.

@MarshmallowAra has it spot on.

There could also be an element of when husbands are worried that the OW is beginning to show bunny boiler tendencies (aka when the OW falls in love with them and becomes desperate) so they try to keep the OW sweet. And if he's keeping her sweet his thinking is probably well he may as well enjoy it.

It's all about compartmentalization.

The thing about sleeping in separate rooms is that husbands can honestly say this is true while being economical with the reason behind it. As people get older there are several reasons why sleeping in separate beds might be advantageous. It could be that he snores after having put on a little weight. It could be that she is having night sweats due to the menopause. It could be that one of them suffers from insomnia. Sleeping in separate beds does not equate to not having sex.

OP he has sex with you because he gets an ego boost. This is nothing to do with YOU as a person, it’s all about him.

You seriously can’t be that gullible to think he thinks that much of YOU, my goodness don’t be so silly!

He will still be having sex with his wife, and well let’s put it this way and yes it’s crude and horrible BUT he won’t be thinking of you when he is ball deep in his wife and he won’t be thinking of his wife when he is ball deep in you! Do you think this is a great man to have a relationship with??????
As I said as horrible as that sounds, it’s true.

I have no sympathy for you but all sympathy for his wife and kids, you know about them, they know nothing about you.

If he leaves it’s because she has found out and has told him to fuck off, if he wanted to leave he would have done so, after all he is probably telling you how good things are between you, how wonderful you are, how he has never felt this way before........ yeah things are that good you just deserve the crumbs he throws at you.

So sit there and wait and wait and wait.......for him to leave his wife, oh yes you will have won a wonderful prize, a prince among men. What a fabulous relationship you will have, once that’s very foundations have been built on lies, deceit and distrust, yeah what a wonderful man he is. His wife will leave him and you can move into her place, and then the vacancy has been created for YOUR replacement.

Grow a fucking backbone and get some self respect and tell him to fuck off!

Actually it’s pretty common that the first thing raising suspicions is the OH suddenly becoming much more attentive, higher sex drive or more adventurous than before....

This thread totally ignores the fact that some men DO leave their wives and even marry an OW . I know of several . I know a man who left his wife the day he retired for his long time mistress. Some of you on here have admitted this has happened . Regardless OP he is a cheating shit - not a great basis for a future.

BehindMyEyes
Some men do, and I've known people have affairs, start again together after and been very happy.

But they aren't the people who spin every line in the Cheater's Playbook. If this man genuinely loved OP and saw a future with her then he'd be making plans to leave and acting on them, instead of having a revolving door of excuses. There's going to be those birthdays every year, until he leaves there is always going to be a family holiday, or event etc. He's saying enough to keep her sweet, and most importantly keeping her sleeping with him.

I agree .

OP, Some men will get as much sex and ego strokes from women as they can. Doesn't matter if they're getting it at home. My married ex came on to virtually every woman so got sex from a few, and would also have sex with groups of anonymous male strangers. He wasn't gay as such, just liked sex and could pretty much guarantee getting a BJ etc at the venues he went to for it. Some men are just very sexually motivated/fixated no matter how much they're getting.

An acquaintance of mine is currently in throes of 'paying back' to her cheating DH by having a steamy affair, she has lost the moral high-ground

Personally I wouldn't consider someone who has sex with another person after they've discovered their partner was unfaithful to have lost the high ground. The "contract" (of fidelity) was broken, they didn't break it, it's up to them if they'd like to have some sex with someone else. And why should they be honest; their partner wasn't.

@LolaSmiles

BehindMyEyes Some men do, and I've known people have affairs, start again together after and been very happy.

But they aren't the people who spin every line in the Cheater's Playbook. If this man genuinely loved OP and saw a future with her then he'd be making plans to leave and acting on them, instead of having a revolving door of excuses. There's going to be those birthdays every year, until he leaves there is always going to be a family holiday, or event etc. He's saying enough to keep her sweet, and most importantly keeping her sleeping with him.

Agreed in this case, I think for me the fact that it began as a ONS is a huge red flag. This isnt someone who over time developed a friendship and love for someone, who maybe wrestled with and fought his feelings, who feels something for OP that he maybe never experienced before. That does definitely happen and can end up as a 'real' relationship with legs. This origin as a ONS seems to put the man in more of the opportunistic shagger category and in that there definitely is no good future even if he does leave his wife.

Answer these questions @emilysof1

Does this man ever stay over any nights/weekend?

Has he taken you out for dinner? Obviously having been

Been in lockdown - it hasn't been easy

Do you have time together to enjoy events together?

I am expecting the answers to be NO to all questions. This man cannot commit to you as he has a wife he will never leave.

You are massaging his ego being his bit on the side 🤦🏼‍♀️

My ex married the ow and as far as I know they are happy. He could have stayed, at the time I discovered it, I did the pick me dance and everything but the 'soulmate' bollocks was too strong. I'm utterly 'meh' about it now, perhaps they are much better suited BUT that doesn't excuse him leaving his kids, choosing to only see them 4 days a month and pay the legal minimum maintenance. The fact that you both have kids means you don't get to indulge this kind of crap. It doesn't matter how perfect you might be, if he would genuinely miserable he would leave, or she would leave him, which is actually far more likely. The fact that that isn't happening should tell you something.

The affair has only been going on several months. I'm just curious as to how anyone gets away with an affair during a global pandemic, and how he is managing to go on so many holidays with his family.

Have you considered how you’d ever be able to trust him, if he did leave his wife for you?The ‘problems’ in his marriage seem to be a lot to do do with the fact that the relationship is long term. After a year or so, yours will be too. How are you going to trust him when your relationship becomes the everyday, and it’s no longer exciting?

Sex is going to seem a lot less exciting 2 years in, when it’s no longer illicit and you’re also dealing with the drudgery of everyday life together. You don’t say how old your children are, but are you going to feel as up for this hot amazing sex when you’ve been up a couple of nights because one of your kids is ill? Or is it going to feel quite as sexy, when you can hear your teens gaming in the next room? What if outside pressures/stresses cause you to temporarily go off sex? Would you honestly ever be able to trust him not to look else where?

And what if something in your life means that he isn’t one of your main focuses for a while? One of your children needs you/ goes through something that takes up a lot of your mental space? Or a family member needs your attention. Or what of you just need to focus on yourself. Would you trust that he’d be quietly supportive in the background, or would you always wonder if he’d be looking to have his needs fulfilled by someone else?

Are you going to be as appealing to him when you need to prioritise helping your kids with their homework, or getting them to a Saturday activity? During an affair, you’re fully available every time you see him. That won’t be the case when you need to make sure the kids are ready for breakfast club and you’re running late for work.

An affair is like a teenage romance. It’s an escape free of responsibility and reality. It doesn’t represent how a relationship would be full time.

End it and learn from it.

This thread totally ignores the fact that some men DO leave their wives and even marry an OW . I know of several .

Yes.. and some people win the lottery too but is the possibility of a win enough to do your monthly financial planning on?

I do know one girl like you and when the wife found out, turned up at her workplace and chased her with a tennis racket. He immediately left the squeeze, she lost her job, and everyone dined on that story for about a year. That was before FB & instagram. But you might fair better.

@Jbon9087

This thread totally ignores the fact that some men DO leave their wives and even marry an OW . I know of several .

Yes.. and some people win the lottery too but is the possibility of a win enough to do your monthly financial planning on?

I do know one girl like you and when the wife found out, turned up at her workplace and chased her with a tennis racket. He immediately left the squeeze, she lost her job, and everyone dined on that story for about a year. That was before FB & instagram. But you might fair better.

It's not me thats having an affair 😂

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

You cannot seriously be that naive. Do you seriously think that all married men that have affairs only do so because they're not having sex with their wife? Some men are greedy bastards and can't turn down an easy shag when it comes knocking. You're handing it to him on a plate. He gets to have his cake (wife) and eat it too (you) because you're still sticking around despite him still going on holiday and playing happy families with his actual family. You've given him no incentive to leave when he's got the best of both worlds and it's so easy.

My sister’s H told his OW all that shit about his marriage being over. The first my sister had heard of it was when she phoned the OW to find out what was going on...

No good can come of this. You are both ruining his partner and children’s lives. He’s not your man, he’s her man and you have no right to be jealous! So you really think that if he does leave her for you, he won’t go on to do the same to you?