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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice I am the other woman

377 replies

emilysof1 · 09/03/2021 09:50

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

OP posts:
hippychick11 · 09/03/2021 23:26

I think the best thing is to leave him even though I know it's a very difficult thing to do. This man wants his cake and eat it and to have his wife who he says he doesn't sleep with and who no longer cares about him, his kids and also you who give him love and attention. I have dealt with a situation like this in the past. I had a married man interested in me who constantly came out with stuff like his wife not understanding him, how they didn't sleep together anymore and how he had to stay with her for the sake of his children. I told him time and time again that he needed to go to marriage counselling but he had no intention of it. He never had a relationship with me (I'm a lesbian) but I know he carried on to have an affair with someone else and he has still never left his wife.

Sorry for writing a book and going off on a tangent but I guess my point is that you deserve so much more than the crumbs that this man is giving you. You deserve someone who will treat you with the love and kindness you deserve and if you stay with this man, generally if someone cheats once, they don't change

Houseofvelour · 09/03/2021 23:28

@Worldwide2

There are only 3 outcomes from all of this
  1. You wait for him to end it with her, giving up years of your life and it never happens.
  2. You tell his wife because you don't want to wait for him to do it. Wife kicks him out despite him begging for forgiveness. He ends up with you and somewhere down the line shock horror he has cheated on you.
  3. You tell his wife and she forgives him and he stays with her.
This
Greencabin · 09/03/2021 23:28

He's telling you what he thinks you want to hear, so he doesn't come across as a total scumbag...telling you his partne says she doesn't love him, they don't have sex anymore, sleep in separate rooms etc. This is all textbook and you are being very naive to believe him.

I don't really understand why you would want to be with a man like this? Wouldn't you be worried he'd do the same to you if he ever did leave his partner?
They have children together- they will always share that history and you will always feel like an impostor.

glassshoes · 09/03/2021 23:30

Sorry OP, but how can someone be your dream man if he cheats? Men like him can be found anywhere.

Also, he is unlikely to leave as the situation suits him well, he is having his cake and eating it.

Lbnc2021 · 09/03/2021 23:31

Why would you want to be with a man who can treat the mother of his children with such contempt?

coronaway · 09/03/2021 23:44

You sound like you deserve one another to be honest.

Jada1234 · 10/03/2021 00:13

I know that we cant help who we fall in love with. His the one who has made a commitment to his wife not you. Too be honest if it's not you whom he'll have an affair with it will be someone else. Good luck I hope that you meet a man who respects a relationship in the very near future.X

Eckhart · 10/03/2021 00:17

I know that we cant help who we fall in love with

We can choose not to sleep/spend intimate time with people who are in committed relationships, though, out of self respect. We can choose not to be 'the affair'.

Jada1234 · 10/03/2021 00:24

It's too easy judge someone else

OppsUpsSide · 10/03/2021 00:24

Don’t take it personally, it’s not a matter of who he likes best. It’s a matter of children, finances, reputation, wider relationships, etc.
Basically, to actually leave for you is an almighty commitment and he quite possibly just doesn’t want to face those challenges and all the subsequent difficulties. He has possibly compartmentalised it enough that actually, the current situation suits him quite well.
If you are not happy to remain in the relationship as it is, you need to dump him.

Chocolate123 · 10/03/2021 00:57

@OppsUpsSide it's not a relationship he's cheating on his wife with someone who's his bit on the side. If it's not her it will be someone else. I feel sorry for the innocent people in this who are his wife and kids

SandyY2K · 10/03/2021 01:26

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

Variety is the spice of life. You're extra to what he has and human beings can be greedy...he has the best of both worlds at the moment.

I'm not sure how old your kids are...but do you think he's really interested in swapping his current life with his family, to one with you/your kids.... do you really think the pros outweigh the cons?

Reasons for him to maintain the status quo are.....

He gets to see his kids every day.

His partner is there to take care of things

He doesn't have the hassle of looking after these young kids on his own if they split up

One doesn't have to pay child support

You need to set yourself a timeline for how long you'll be the OW and stick to it.

OR... Tell him that as he can't commit to you...you're going to start dating other men. See how that goes down with him.

AnotherKrampus · 10/03/2021 02:51

I am always amazed just how naive some women are. If you are this daft and ready swallow such a load of crock, how about I sell you some magic beans OP. As for your question, why would a man sleep with a woman on the side if he gets hot sex on the side...? Because he can.

Jbon9087 · 10/03/2021 03:13

People on here assuming he's not getting any from the wife... just how many of these wankers have ended up getting both the missus and the GF pregnant at the same time?! The 'man's' a liar, cheat, and sneak, so believe nothing.

And OP knowing this - except for taking something from someone else, - seriously.. what's to love?!

en0la · 10/03/2021 04:00

You are giving his cake, letting him eat it and then making him another cake.

He's using you and you are letting him do it.

PearlescentIridescent · 10/03/2021 04:23

I will say up front that I don't have much experience of this.

But.. isn't it well known that most men who have affairs are just looking for affairs? To be honest they're not really that interested in who its with. Of the handful of men I know who periodically cheat on their partners - it's just that - periodical.

I imagine that you will turn the heat up too high and he will ghost you. He clearly doesn't want to leave as he's putting it off and realises what a twat he is for being so deceitful.

I know it's a strange thing to say and I'm not saying I'm sympathetic to him, but, how can you have the heart to encourage him to leave while he's saying he needs to stay to be there for one more birthday (presumably his little DC's) etc? Do you not think that's absolutely selfish and foul?

He should obviously be feeling foul but I don't care to quantify who should feel more bad, who is more responsible etc. You are both doing an absolutely shitty thing and I'm sorry but you do sound like you have fallen for literally every stereotypical line the average lech throws out :(

PearlescentIridescent · 10/03/2021 04:26

And OP knowing this - except for taking something from someone else, - seriously.. what's to love?!

This too OP - I'm quite sure the whirlwind romance and infatuation will die down very quickly after you're together, because those feelings of wanting what you can't have/the drama you are craving will die away even if he did leave, which is very unlikely.

Iceskatingfan · 10/03/2021 05:02

Well you asked for advice and my advice is to break up with this married man with small children immediately (would have been better if you had not got involved with him in the first place but you have to start from where you are). I really can’t understand why anyone would want to play a role in breaking up a family this way (and yes I appreciate he is not innocent in this either).

I speak from experience as the wife in this picture, who hadn't got the slightest inkling at the time that her husband was telling other women that our marriage was as good as over and that we weren’t sleeping together any more etc (we definitely were!) Married men who sleep around will say whatever they need to say to make their life easy/fun etc. Don’t be naive. If he wanted to be with you, he would be. Leave him alone so that his children have a fighting chance of not having their lives utterly destroyed over an affair (maybe a slim chance as their dad is a cheating bastard but still). Find someone who is available to you instead, and ask yourself why you went after someone so completely unsuitable and unavailable.

WhiskyWhiskersdottir · 10/03/2021 05:20

You’re a live fleshlight.

AbstractHeart · 10/03/2021 05:53

@AnneLovesGilbert

How have they been on family holidays in the last few months? Are you in the U.K.?
Exactly. Clearly this is just a poorly thought out work of fiction
Worldwide2 · 10/03/2021 06:44

My mum had a friend who had an affair with a married man, she waited 12 years as he said he wanted to wait for the kids to get older before leaving. He said him and his wife slept separately and lost a connection.
His wife had a surprise pregnancy which she kept of course. She waited 12 years! Believing his lies. The worst thing is she is STILL waiting for him. He still hasn't left his wife.
Also he goes on holiday with his family every year, lots of lovely photos especially between him and his wife. He told her that it was all pretence and just a show. It obviously bloody isn't.

Afishcalledwonderful · 10/03/2021 07:10

In the six months leading up to the time my exH left me, he was very affectionate, he bought me gifts, went out of his way to do things for me and yes, we were still sleeping together. I had no idea he'd been forming a relationship with a work colleague for the past two years. I often wondered what he had told her about our relationship/me in order to keep her 'there'. My point is, the lies. How would you ever trust this man? What about your peace of mind? You know he is capable of this massive deception with everything to lose yet you're holding on. This is not a decent man to cling on to and form a trusting relationship with me. Trust me, once the honeymoon period is over and you're discussing house chores and who's going to take the bins out, you might just end up like his poor wife. Don't take that risk; get out now.

HugeAckmansWife · 10/03/2021 07:27

OP please listen to those of us on here who have the experience. We're not just 'bitter ex wives' of have axes to grind..its really easy to dismiss what we say in that way, because then you don't have to face up to the hurt you are complicit in. It's not necessarily true that if it wasn't you it would be someone else, maybe you two are very well matched, but she got there first and crucially, they have a family. Life is not so short (as some people argue) that you should ran every chance of love that comes your way. This might be, (leaving aside the fact that he's a nasty cheat) a case of right guy but wrong time. He has children to raise first and so do you come to that. Why would you want to bring a man into their lives who is showing you every day that he can't be trusted and will hurt his own children.

Panglossian · 10/03/2021 07:41

Hi OP.
Only you know if this is 'worth it'- if the situation carries on as it is- is that enough?
I assume his wife has no idea?
Questions you should ask yourself:
Are you comfortable with the lies?
If he left her for you, would you ever really trust him? Truly? He's not acting honourably towards his wife- what makes you think he'll treat you any differently?

SoupDragon · 10/03/2021 07:50

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

Because he can and because you are available and happy to let him.

Seriously, it's not rocket science.

It may sound ironic but I don't want to hurt her.

Utter nonsense. You already are. You just don't want to face the fallout.

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