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Original poster

Advice I am the other woman

377 replies

emilysof1 · 09/03/2021 09:50

Hi,
I am looking for some constructive advice.
I am in an awful situation that is ruining my life.
I have been in a relationship with a married man for several months. It started out as a one night stand and became quite intense quite quickly from there on in. He is in a long term relationship with young children. He is 10 years my senior.
I know what I am doing is wrong and believe me I feel terrible for it but I am in deeper than I ever thought I would be and I don't know what to do.
My man tells me he is leaving his partner. That they have drifted and that they no longer have a connection. But he never talks badly of her. Says that she doesn't love him and doesn't care about their relationship anymore. Cliche I know but he tells me that they have no sexual relationship and sleep in separate rooms etc. People may laugh but I do believe him. The thing is, months down the line and he has not left. He keeps promising after this occasion or that occasion but it never happens. This sounds really selfish but I have fallen in love with him and I hate the thought of him with his partner. I am jealous. He tells me he loves me and wants to be with me. We've spoken about the future. But I am becoming so frustrated with this situation and can not carry on. We speak every day. We see each other frequently but he still spends time with his family, goes on family holidays etc and I hate it. Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

OP posts:
TheSunshines · 09/03/2021 20:31

What?!, and you think if he leaves her you'll be having 'hot sex' Grin how old are you OP you sound very naive. He's a liar and your his bit on the side because you offer it to him on a plate stop giving him sex and see what happens.

Moon90 · 09/03/2021 20:34

Sorry to sound harsh but men rarely leave their spouse for their bit on the side, he sounds like a real charmer, wife at home cooking and cleaning, looking after him and their children while he gets to jump into bed with other women (for all you know, you're not his only side piece), if i was you id tell the wife the truth and leave him alone as i can bet my life on the fact he was only having his cake and eating it.

MiriamMargo · 09/03/2021 20:35

Quiet simply, ... he's using you, he love her and his family, they are more important than you. Your just his bit of the side, as simple as that !

Stinkerbells · 09/03/2021 20:36

Oh and the no sex claim is bullshit, my friends Husband had an affair and by her account they had a very healthy sex life.

Even after the affair was outed - right up until the night before she moved out of their marital home they were having wild sex, she called them her little victory shags before leaving him. Now he’s with the other woman, he confides in his ex wife whenever he can about how shit the relationship is, he tried to reconcile with her months after they split (whilst with OW) It was devastating for my friend at the time but she’s so over him now.

GrandTheftWalrus · 09/03/2021 20:37

My friend was in a similar situation and I thought he was still with his partner and was stringing her along but I saw messages he had sent her from the partner asking when he was moving out and flats for rent etc. I was still skeptical until he did move out and she moved in with him about 6 months later.

However the way you are talking he isn't going to leave while he has his cake and eats it.

Affectation · 09/03/2021 20:41

These threads are always filled with women who clearly have an axe to grind. Which is frustrating (it's very easy to paint all 'affair' relationships with the same brush).

Putting his partner to one side, you could waste years waiting for him to commit to a relationship with you. If it's genuine love with the pursuit of commitment as a common goal, then it will withstand you giving him an ultimatum, him ending his marriage. If not, it's not worth the turmoil or the potential fallout.

DianaT1969 · 09/03/2021 20:43

You ask why he would have sex with you, if he's having sex at home.
OP, I like Lindt chocolate, but I also like Bounty too. I could definitely eat some Lindt and go back to the fridge for a bounty. HTH

Where did you meet him?

LittleMimi · 09/03/2021 20:43

You know this is really cliche? A man having an affair with a woman and telling her that he’s going to leave his wife, but it never happens.

goldielockdown2 · 09/03/2021 20:48

Leave him. If he wants you he'll soon jump ship. It rarely happens. You should leave him anyway, so you're not losing anything.

Looneytune253 · 09/03/2021 20:48

@emilysof1

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

Lol men do that every day. Not all men but every single affair is something like this where they lie lie lie to get what they want.

Gobbeldegook · 09/03/2021 20:49

You didn't expect sympathy did you? I hope you've got your tin hat on

LalalalalalaLand123 · 09/03/2021 20:50

OP I honestly can't understand your extreme level of naïveté. A person can have sex with more than one other person. Honestly I despair. Unless you do a lot of growing up fast, you will suffer, with this man and the next and the next and....

kournikovax · 09/03/2021 20:52

This reply has been deleted

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Ggeemerc · 09/03/2021 20:57

Why would you want to make a life with someone so deceptive and dishonest? He wont be cured of these personality traits by living with you.

HermitsLife · 09/03/2021 21:00

I haven't watched this film...

**Spoiler - He doesn't leave his wife.

But really, its a great film. You should watch it.

VintageDiamonds · 09/03/2021 21:07

‘It may sound ironic but I don't want to hurt her.’

Hurt is likely a massive understatement.

Cheaters justify their actions, read up on cognitive dissonance. You’re a good person, who wouldn’t normally do this kind of thing, yes? It happened because you 2 are meant to be. Destiny. He doesn’t love his wife. They don’t have sex.

Your brain is flooded with dopamine and feel-good chemicals. You are hooked on the high, addicted to it. Fuelled by excitement because you’re not supposed to be together but you just can’t help it, the attraction is too strong to resist so why resist it? It’s written in the stars that he is meant for you.

Let’s say he leaves her. You’ve destroyed lives. Shattered dreams and broken hearts. Can you live with that?

And in a few years time when the brain chemicals have settled down, you will see all of his flaws. Everyday, mundane life will resume.

It’s an illusion.

Stay away from him. If he knocks on your door in 2 years time with a guarantee that there’s not a soul in this world that won’t be upset about him dating you - go for it.

okokok000 · 09/03/2021 21:08

Why does he sleep with you? Because he can. Not a criticism but some men aren't worth the live and respect they receive. He is likely telling yojnwhatbyounwang to hear whokstbhoping he doesn't get caught out.

okokok000 · 09/03/2021 21:09

@okokok000

Why does he sleep with you? Because he can. Not a criticism but some men aren't worth the live and respect they receive. He is likely telling yojnwhatbyounwang to hear whokstbhoping he doesn't get caught out.
Sorry didn't spell check...

*likely telling you what you want to hear whilst hoping he doesn't get caught out.

Graphista · 09/03/2021 21:10

Of course he can be having a great sex life and relationship with her and shagging you.

Why? Because he can! That's it!

You're
Not
Special

Not to him. If he truly considered you so special he'd have left her already

Akin to the choc post, I LOVE Pringles like seriously love em but if I've had a load and then I'm offered basic supermarket crisps I can and will make space for them in my ever expanding gut!

It's the ego boost, the emotional stroking too. No doubt you're mostly flattering to him, you're not having a go at him for not putting the bins out or leaving the kitchen a state after a midnight snack are you?

An affair is basically an elongated form of the beginning of relationships where it's all rosy and positive and fun and exciting... which everybody enjoys! But as I said before it's a FANTASY not reality.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/03/2021 21:15

Sorry to sound harsh but men rarely leave their spouse for their bit on the side

These threads always throw this up and yet this place is full of women who were left for an OW. So of course it happens.

MN is also full of people who went off sex with their spouse years ago. So it’s not necessarily untrue that he’s not shagging his wife.

But OP’s married man could well be one of those who’s lying on both fronts. Impossible to say.

HattyHats · 09/03/2021 21:16

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

@emilysof1 but if he loves you and is having great sex with you (and not her) why doesn't he want to be with you? How much longer will you let him lie to you about leaving?

category12 · 09/03/2021 21:17

If they were still having hot sex and he still loves her then why the hell would he be a entertaining me?? It does not make any sense

For the thrill and ego-boost of shagging someone else.

CelestialGalaxy · 09/03/2021 21:20

I think you are being harsh...the OP hasnt shattered lives the husband has and if the wife does find out then that wife can make her own choices about what she will and won't put up with and going forward what her children will have as a homelife. I dont for one minute think that if OP had turned him down in the first place he wouldn't have found someone else. The fault is not with the OP but the husband. How OP chooses to live her life is up to her, and I know we can't understand why she would want a man like this, but that is her choice. I am on the side of the wife and her right to choose to remain in a faithless marriage if only someone has the guts to tell her.

Kelly345 · 09/03/2021 21:21

And the best bit is that when you start getting on his case because he wont commit to you, he'll get fed up with you nagging and find another woman, then you'll know what it feels like to be cheated on. Oh and he'll probably tell her he sleeps in a separate bed to. My advice? Book an appointment at your local clap clinic.

NovemberR · 09/03/2021 21:23

Will he ever follow through and leave? I am starting to wonder if this is worth it?

No.

No.

HTH.

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