Drinking in the morning - everyone does it, right?

[fedup078]

Even when they have young kids?
Totally normal yes?

Well he's just told me to ask around. Don't fancy asking my friends so here we are
I'm being told this is totally normal and everyone does it, so why shouldn't he.

The only person I've known who drank in the morning was my friend. She drank at work in the morning and they sacked her.

It has taken her 3 years of on-off rehab to being happy and sober.

My alcoholic uncle (raging alcoholic, drunk driver etc etc , several years sober now) wouldn't even drink in the morning, it was lunchtime onwards for him.

I keep coming back to this thread to block out his gaslighting so I don't fall for it.
He's still adamant he's done nothing wrong
Keeps saying 'well it was nearly lunch time!' And 'why are the pubs open so early if we're not meant to drink in the morning?!'
He's done some horrendous things in the past under the influence which I'm not even going to mention as I'm ashamed I stayed with him .
Now he thinks the whole thing is over JUST because of that one glass yday . That it doesn't need to end this way , he basically asked me to turn a blind eye .
Ffs!

If he genuinely believed it was normal he would never have hidden it from you, why would he need to? Surely he would have offered you one like we offer our spouses a morning coffee? "Morning vodka love?" I assume he never did because he knows it's not normal but if he's so sure it is let's get him to ask his friends and work colleagues and family ... He can say "I have an alcoholic drink in the morning.. you do too, because it's normal right? " I bet he wouldn't even ask. He KNOWS he is wrong, don't entertain the discussion.

He doesn't at all think it's JUST for the one glass. He's trying to reduce the argument to one glass. Because for one glass it's petty. For the many glasses. The lying. The gaslighting. The opting out of family life. Opting out of responsibility. For demanding by default that you are the actual parent and he the optional one. It's best for him if this is about ONE drink. It's not.

It's time to stop listening to him OP. It will really empower you. Having the house sold is the ideal time to get out of this mess not of your own making. Set up on your own and if he can get sober you can date. It doesn't have to be the end or that black and white but to protect yourself do the right thing right now and separate and get boundaries in place. It might actually be beneficial for him. It might make him take that step.

There is no future here unless he confronts a problem he has to first acknowledge

Nothing else you can do except make decisions for yourself in the presence of absence of him doing the above especially given about some of the previous actions he’s undertaken while drunk that you’ve alluded to. Don’t go ahead with forging any more permanent links with him while he’s this way as you will likely accused of being an enabler. You will certainly regret it in his current state of mind. You will be actively signing up for ruining more of your own life too

Not easy but really the only thing you can do as a loving and independent adult

As PP said, wouldn't he just love it if it was about just one glass of wine? He knows its not, but I daresay he doesn't want to face it, and obviously, he has a lot riding on you not facing it either.

But you are facing it. All of it. That's not only your right, it's also you duty.

Wishing you strength

If he's admitting socially acceptable drinking pre lunch I wonder if he has a darker secret; hidden vodka stashes. He definitely sounds like a functioning alcoholic, might have been creeping up for years and pandemic has made it harder to hide.
If no one has suggested it Al-Anon meetings might be beneficial for you for help and support - especially with the gaslighting and projecting his problem onto you - denial is a huge factor with addicts
al-anon.org/

If his drinking is causing problems, itsproblemdrinking. Full stop. Don't get dragged into arguing over how many glasses and what time. I fell into that trap and was too stupid to leave till I was at breaking point. And my kids really suffered. If yourDH is anythinglikemy ex (and it sounds frighteningly similar) you will only prolong the agony. There is a 'drink wall' and, inmy case, my ex was happy to sacrifice everything for the booze. I'm sorry you're going through with this, andihope you stay strong and leave. Its painful, but eventually you will extricate yourself from all of it, the anxiety, theatres, the anger (?). (I ended up feeling hatred. I left iftar too long). Goodluck

He sounds insufferable and entitled you don't need to engage or explain yourself. If you're unhappy that is enough of a reason to leave if that is what you want to do. The fact that he has been belligerent and said you would need to leave and left it so that you were the one sleeping on the sofa last night demonstrates he is quite selfish.

OP, this is horrible, and I think you've made the right decision.

However, may I throw another possibility into the discussion? Your DH sounds like he has gut biome problems and untreated allergies. It is definitely not normal to drink in the mornings, and there might be a physiological factor involved here.

I used to be a morning drinker. Never thought it would happen to me. I was teetotal almost all my adult life and always the designated driver. No interest in drink or drugs, just wanted to hit the dance floor. But in my late 40s I suffered unbearably turbulent, growling guts in the morning, so began having a quick swig of savvy plonk to soothe my innards before launching into the day. At 52 I was diagnosed with coeliac disease and had to immediately cut out all gluten. My guts calmed down, I lost interest in alcohol and went back to my cheery morning cuppa. It really was that simple.

It may be too late to save your marriage, but it would be worth your DH seeing a doc who will take blood and stool samples and find out what's going on with his health.

He doesn't at all think it's JUST for the one glass. He's trying to reduce the argument to one glass. Because for one glass it's petty. For the many glasses. The lying. The gaslighting. The opting out of family life. Opting out of responsibility. For demanding by default that you are the actual parent and he the optional one. It's best for him if this is about ONE drink. It's not.

This ^^
OP, he is yanking you around by the tail.

Stop engaging with him in futile discussions of whether it's ok to drink in the morning or not. You already know he has a drinking problem (as does he) but he will never admit it to you. And the good news is, you don't need him to. You have already experienced the negative impact that his drinking has had on you and your family life. Please put your kids and your sanity (whilst you still have it) first and get him out of your house and life. If he mucks you about on going, look into getting an Occupation order so a court decides who can stay in the house.

He'll throw all sorts of shit at you such as, "You're really going to destroy our family just because you've got some crazy idea that I drink too much ??" Just ignore him, there is NOTHING, other than a headfuck, to be gained by engaging with him. Just crack on with sorting out your life.

I know it needs to end , it's so hard that I'm ending it. I keep thinking of the lovely house in the lovely village we just lost and how different everything is going to be .
But I can't trust him. I really do think he had been drinking before 9.30 last Sunday I could just tell . And this particular incident blind sided me as I genuinely didn't go downstairs looking for or expecting it. But he swears blind he didn't
But then I always remember my mother swearing blind she hadn't touched a drop all day whilst sat with a glass of barcardi 3 sheets to the wind

It's hard because neither of them were the sort of people to lie about anything else
She died a week after ds was born and 2 months later I spent my first Mother's Day and first one since she died upstairs crying because dh was shitfaced all weekend .

Just sending hugs and 💐 you are doing the right thing it must be so hard.

Water? Yes tea? Yes coffee? Yes alcohol? No ffs that's drunk territory

Unfortunately lying seems to come with alcoholism.

OP I really really feel for you. I ended my marriage for the same reason. Alcoholics can tell themselves the sky is orange if it justifies their drinking and they are SO desperate for it to be true, so adamant about it, that you begin questioning it yourself. You are doing the right thing, for you and your DC.

It may have been mentioned already, but you may benefit from Al-anon. My Al-anon group helped keep me on track during my divorce and work on detachment to protect myself. My XH did all the same things, the justifying, projection then denial, blame (all my fault obvs), then came self pity and then back to the beginning and round again.

You know and he knows that this isn't a one off. Being shitfaced all weekend on mother's day while you are handling life with a newborn is a massive red flag. It doesn't surprise me to hear your mother was also an alcoholic - it might be worth you taking a look at nacoa.org.uk for specialist support.

My DDs don't drink - with an alcoholic father, they know they are at risk. Their uncle and great-uncle on that side were also alcoholics.

You will break the cycle for your DC. Sad as it is, that is an amazing thing to do for them.

Lying is a trait of the personality of an alcoholic. They will lie about anything and everything. It is chronic and compulsive.
.
They will tell lies that are so obviously a lie and maintain the lie despite that.

(Denial and blaming are also tied up in this.)

@fedup078, I wrote this up thread. Try to remember. Whatever he is saying is not the truth.

He believes it is because that means he does not have a problem with drink. He will be angry you are not agreeing with "his truth" a less smooth road for him to believe.

This is not an easy situation to come out of, but you can do it. Keep coming back to avoid being gaslighted.

I should add that mosr alcoholics who has stopped drinking will admit about the lying.
In a relationship it's difficult for the partner to adjust to being able to trust.

It is very hard to maintain a relationship with an alcoholic who has just stopped drinking. It could take years before you actually allow yourself to believe they won't start again or trust anything they say. (Should it be the case they actually stop drinking for that amount of time.)

You need to switch your thinking from your relationship being about what he wants to it being what you want. He might now say he'll stop drinking so you don't leave, but you do not have to believe he actually will.

@StephenBelafonte

Especially not if you've got young kids. How would you get them to hospital if needed?

Taxi, ambulance. Lots of people with children can't drive.

But no, drinking in the morning isn't normal

The lovely house in the lovely village would have come with an alcoholic. You haven't lost anything. You're giving your children the chance of a normal life.

This morning he asked me to go away for a night at the weekend so we're not in the house together , errm nope.
He's told me he's talked to friends who agree with him and the more he thinks about it the more he's done nothing wrong and I'm just 'overly sensitive to these things'
Hes also said it's not his problem I have a shit job and can't afford the mortgage on my own (I can, in fact I could pay the mortgage off in full if I needed but I want some put away for emergencies etc)
He really needs to go but he says he can't rent anywhere until his name is off the mortgage
Also there is a spray of red wine across the kitchen wall. Brilliant. But that's ok as I fully intend to decorate to my tastes once he fucks off

Perhaps one of the friends who think he's done nothing wrong can put him up then?

I'd start telling friends and family why you are ending the marriage OP. It will make it harder for him to force you into his false reality.