Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

You have obviously realised for a while now that your relationship isn’t a good one and are posting here for clarification, so in agreement with what everyone else had said:

YES! YOUR “D”H IS A NASTY, LAZY, SEX-PEST MAN-CHILD DIPSHIT!!

Start getting your ducks in a row OP - you KNOW you’ll be happier without him.

I was in a similar situation over 20 years ago. I found it very hard emotionally (feelings of guilt that my ex wouldn't be able to cope without me) to end the relationship for once and for all. A good friend who knew the situation asked me how I saw myself in 5 or 10 years time and that was the catalyst for me to end the relationship for ever, because continuing would have been a living death. I then took the 'sticking plaster 'approach and though it hurt a lot at the time I was decisive and adamant that this was the end. I have never regretted it. Life was tough for a few years while my son was still little and I effectively became a single parent as my ex lost interest in being a father if he wasn't getting any of the 'perks' of living with us. I learnt to drive and moved house to somewhere my ex couldn't claim to feel any entitlement to living in. Eventually I started an OU course which was led to a degree and a job I love. I and my Ds were about the same age as you and your DD are now. I am not telling you what to do OP. However you have the rest of your life ahead of you and it could be a bright future with ups and downs, far better in my mind than having the life slowly squeezed out of you by this controlling man who so clearly doesn't want the best for you and your DD. I want to say 'good luck' , but really we are masters of our own ships, if we take courage.

I am going to have to stop looking at Mumsnet. It is genuinely disturbing me how many women choose to waste their short precious lives with obvious assholes.

catmothertes1

The cats probably will find a new home. They don’t put up with shit for long.

Maybe we should all be a bit “more cat”.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

I am going to have to stop looking at Mumsnet. It is genuinely disturbing me how many women choose to waste their short precious lives with obvious assholes.

And force their kids to live in that sort of household.

Jesus Christ - he sounds vulgar.
Let him game and pick his belly button fluff alone somewhere else.
Don’t subject yourself to a life with a selfish, immature creature.
Life is just far too short.

And force their kids to live in that sort of household.

Well yes, which of course may explain why so many adult mumsnetters are NC with awful families. It is eye opening when you come from an ordinary family, and I sometimes think "can your family be THAT bad?". But of course they can, if you join up the two different types of poster.

Sounds like the quickest way to get rid of this shitbag would be to tell him, clearly, that you no longer wish to have sex with him. Because he is foul and you don't like him. If he touches you, you will report him. You're now co-habiting in order to raise your children while you decide what to do.

He'll be gone to sniff out something else in a week.

Foul man.

I would have let the cats in and let them climb all over him. Prick.

He sounds unhinged.

If he was asleep instead of gaming he maybe wouldn’t have had to deal with the cats or the flying bird and wouldn’t need a lie in.

so hes got you isolated 300 miles from family and you cant drive so youre basically trapped

just slowly try and get out of this one step at a time

Kick the Wanker out. Let the cats in !

At least you’re still working! Good luck getting out

Wtf. Ltb.

Only on Mumsnet could people be more concerned with a cat getting shut out at night, or cats catching wildlife than about a woman in an abusive relationship.

You know what you need to do op. You're not a fool, you've been taken in by an abusive man. Lots of women are because they don't start off as a total dick but let things slide once you've got a house together and a baby. But, you can leave him. You're strong enough to cope, even if it don't feel like it. Can you confide in anyone who will help you stay strong?

You could have another 70 years on this planet. You could spend it with this douche, or you could find someone who wants to make you happy. And imagine at least some of those years having great sex with someone who you want to shag. Wouldn't that be nice?

He sounds horrible. Can you ask him to leave? I would not be having sex with him, and it sounds like you are able to support yourself and your DD without him.

Quite honestly, he doesn't appear to be contributing anything at all to the relationship. Neither financially or emotionally.

And from what you said the sex isn't even any good. Unsurprisingly, selfish men make utterly shit lovers.

@DavidsSchitt

Of course the real issue is the OP and her daughter.
Everyone who poster before me had that angle covered, so no need for me to add my 2 cents in the mix.

Of COURSE treatment of cats is an issue too ( before we knew about their outdoor housing situation ).

Very often people will accept crap aimed at themselves but will draw a line at helpless creatures- like her DD ( as other posters had pointed out)...and the cats.

I knew I had to leave my ex when I used to daydream about the life I would have without him how all I wanted was to go to sleep on my own every night with my child in the next room to read a book watch tv and just not have him there. I did it and had 6 wonderful years single just me and DS and I loved every minute of it and when I met my new DP I was totally independent and didn't need him for anything. 13yrs later and another 2 kids and I am positive those years on my own helped massively with the relationship I have now as I will always know that I can manage on my own if needed.

He sounds revolting. I hope you find the strength to leave him as you know it’s not right. Good luck.

He sounds vile

I would advise you see a solicitor regarding your split in terms of your DD - bit worrying if he's a SAHP and might claim to be the resident parent.

OP, consider a plan to move near your mother, if it's cheaper in that area.

But yes, you do need to leave.

I made my plans carefully. I rented a place after saving for a deposit, etc and got UC sorted, all under his nose and he never suspected a thing. I have a new life now, after 30 years of abuse, and even at my age, it's still worth getting out.

For you, getting out now (or soon, I understand how it is) will be priceless. For you and your DD.

"@DavidsSchitt

Of course the real issue is the OP and her daughter.
Everyone who poster before me had that angle covered, so no need for me to add my 2 cents in the mix.

Of COURSE treatment of cats is an issue too ( before we knew about their outdoor housing situation ).

Very often people will accept crap aimed at themselves but will draw a line at helpless creatures- like her DD ( as other posters had pointed out)...and the cats."

What? Listen to yourself. "Treatment of cats". This little 4 year old girl can't have a peaceful nights sleep for the bellowing and her mother is expected to have sex with someone who repulses her daily.

You picked up on the poor cats. Ffs

@DavidsSchitt
I clearly said that OP and her Dd is the main concern. No point me repeating what everyone else had said.
I very clearly understand that OPs husband is an abuser. As had every single poster before me.

It's no good thing if someone is mean to animals.
Save your 'ffs' for a post that merits it
🙂

"It's no good thing if someone is mean to animals.
Save your 'ffs' for a post that merits it
🙂"

Nah, it does merit it. You just wanted to pile on to the OP. You're still at it now. She hasn't been "mean" to animals, putting a cat outside with an outhouse isn't "mean".

@LalalalalalaLand123

kunterbunting WTF is going on with men? It's just endless threads on here about them being complete dicks.

The threads of dickish men are endless. I am hoping that they are raising awareness generally about what behaviour is dickish so more women will know what they should not put up with. So many dickish men out there. (Though in my real life, I know far more dickish women actually, so I definitely know they're out there too.)

I hope so, too. I'm just sorry that women have to put up with this crap. What always astounds me is that these men must at some point have been able to put on an act of being reasonably decent. The women who marry/live with them must at some point have loved them.

(And I had a dick ex husband of my own, who only showed his true colours once he became jealous of our children, so I'm one of these women).

I, too, know some pretty dickish women IRL. But I suppose they're differently dickish - they mostly don't spend their time gaming and pestering their OHs for daily sex, and they mostly do a lot of the domestic drudge jobs.