Kept up by the cats but I slept through woke up to horrid text

[Thelovecats69]

My husband was up late last night gaming.
When he does this he Skypes his friends and has noise cancelling headphones so ends up loudly chatting/shrieking through them.

Me and DD were having a sleep over in the lounge, or at least trying - my house is small, one level and open plan. Aka you can hear everything.

At 11.30 he pokes his head in and asks me why Iv gone to bed without telling him. I say he was clearly busy and I was tired. Plus we aren’t sleeping in the same bed tonight anyway so why does it matter.

He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?’

This is half joking half not. He wants sex every night. I don’t. It’s a sticking point at the moment.

He has had a beer and carries on gaming. I eventually fall asleep with my dd. (Shes 4)

DD and I get up in the night to use the loo, I think twice.

I hear dh get up once and shut the cats out , I assume they are being noisy although didn’t hear anything. I do have form for not hearing much whilst I’m sleeping, although that’s because I work full time so when I sleep I SLEEP! My husband stays at home. And apparently hasn’t had a full nights sleep since 2014. 😒

I woke up this morning to the following texts at 6am.

‘If you wake me, I am going to be mad’
‘You have not got up once’
‘Except for a piss.
The WHOLE night’

‘You let the cats in
You are single’

I haven’t woken him up this morning and have shushed dd when she’s started being loud. I came on here as I have no idea what to say or do about this.
When I went to get a drink I opened the kitchen door and the cats ran in, but I chucked them back out into the garden for now.

How did you ever get with such a low-life?
Why did you have a baby with such a low-life?
Why do you stay with such a low-life?
After you leave this low-life, please raise your bar for men and don't go out / live with / marry any more low-lifes!
I'm so sorry you are in this situation OP, you and your DD deserve SO much better. Leave.

So you work fulltime, do the bulk of the housework, childcare, and petcare (and I'm guessing all the mental work that goes with those).

He plays games and guilt-trips you into bad sex.

In what way are you and your daughter better with him than you would be single?

@ExpertlyProcrastinating

What on earth is he going on about? Why is it an issue that you haven't got up in the night?

His messages make him sound like a drunken twat.

'You are single'? Great.. he can fuck off and leave you in peace from a loutish sex pest.

Maybe when she gets up for a wee is when he tries to encourage her .

kunterbunting
WTF is going on with men? It's just endless threads on here about them being complete dicks.

The threads of dickish men are endless. I am hoping that they are raising awareness generally about what behaviour is dickish so more women will know what they should not put up with. So many dickish men out there. (Though in my real life, I know far more dickish women actually, so I definitely know they're out there too.)

What the fricketyfuck. OP. Sending you strength to help you see this through. He has to go. 💐

I am sorry, couldn't get past
"He texts me ‘did you go to bed because you wanted to get out of sex?"

Said like you owe it to him.
Fucking yuck.

Please leave
I understand the energy for a life change is hard to find at the best of times, let alone when your being abused.
But if you have been so ground down you can't find it for yourself look at your daughter and think about how you would feel if she were getting texts like that in years to come.
A small point is that I am the light sleeper and my husband the deep. I get up to the dogs barking or gate banging etc
I don't call him selfish for his sleep pattern! The most I do is tease him asking should I wake him when we are burgled or wait till the morning to tell him how I dealt with it!

It's a good thing he texted you the "get out of sex" expression, should you ever need evidence of abuse.

I feel sorry for the cats

As he's said you are single I would call his bluff and ring a solicitor tomorrow. Your dd deserves better and can't do it for herself.

Manchild twat, just read you are under 30! - please leave, do not waste your life

I find it so scary and sad that women put up with this shit. It's 2021 not 1940. Women need to find their voice and stand up to pathetic men who view women as being around for their sole convenience.

OP, you know there's only one way this can go. You need to end the relationship, not just for your sake, but for your daughter's sake too. Do you really want your relationship to be the benchmark your daughter strives for in future? I'm sure you don't, so get out from this toxic relationship and free yourself from being treated like a doormat and a vessel for him to use at his convenience.

He's disgusting. A poor partner and a crap father

Have my first ever LTB

Let the cats in the home and give him the outhouse if he doesn’t want his gaming to be disturbed...

I think this is my first ever LTB.

@Onjnmoeiejducwoapy

I don’t think he has the basic respect skills to be a flatmate, let alone a partner

Agree. Honestly OP he is horrible. Throw him out.

I got a cold chill reading this.
What a terrible way to live.

Why are you facilitating this man-child living like a literal 15 year old?!!

Gaming all night with his friends, mouthing off and keeping you and the kids awake, demanding daily sex and making threats about waking him up when he's lying in??!!

NOBODY needs to be putting up with that shit!!!

You're single?!! I'd be telling him GOOD! Now off he can fuck and find someone else to mother his ass, take his shit and shag him daily!!

The cheeky bastard!!

Sex every night is such an unreasnable demand tbh. I had an ex like that. Ontop of this, he seems to think you are his mother, and honestly, him staying up late gaming..is his own damn fault if hes knackered the next day. Creeping around so as not to wake a manchild like this is just so shite.

The messages, are bizarre.

He sounds like a total knob OP. I would be looking at leaving him I think though of course its not always as simple as just splitting up, especially when kids are involved :(

And I do think this is my first clear cut LTB too - in fact no, don't leave - KICK HIS PATHETIC ASS OUT!!

Ok, Thankyou everyone for your kind comments. I have just been reading them and taking it onboard.

I didn’t post about how to leave because I am not ‘there’ yet. As other posters have said - I can’t rush this, if I leave I will be considerably worse off after moving costs and finding somewhere to go, never mind the emotional upheaval. Whilst I think it’s time to start planning that all feels too big and overwhelming right now.

Currently have one of the cats on my lap, she is quite content for those who have taken cat abuse out of this thread

For those of you who give advice and follow it up with a snarky comment - why do you do that?
Eg - please don’t have any more children with this man, then ‘although I suspect you will’

When someone posts about a hard point in their life, we really don’t need to be made to feel stupid, or smaller than we already do. It makes me not want to read what is quite crucial support for me right now - being alone, isolated and unable to see the wood for the trees. I hope you read this and think about leaving snarky comments in the future.

To everyone who has left helpful, kind and supportive advice, I can’t reply to you all but I have it all to refer back to so Thankyou for that.

@Thelovecats69 could you afford to stay put if he leaves? Is he named on the tenancy?

If you're the lead tenant, can you ask him to leave? I'm sure you can legally if he's not named on the contract. If he's not working right now would you manage for just you and Dd without his income? You may also be able to claim some benefits as a single parent household. Look into that.

Are his family nearby?

For those of you who give advice and follow it up with a snarky comment - why do you do that?
Eg - please don’t have any more children with this man, then ‘although I suspect you will’ hmm

When someone posts about a hard point in their life, we really don’t need to be made to feel stupid, or smaller than we already do. It makes me not want to read what is quite crucial support for me right now - being alone, isolated and unable to see the wood for the trees. I hope you read this and think about leaving snarky comments in the future.

Absolutely agree OP, it seems like it is a sport on here for some people. They are forgetting that there is a real person asking for help

Hope you’re ok OP

For moving costs, start selling anything that isn't really necessary, you can frame it to your partner if he notices by saying you're saving for a holiday or having a spring cleaning, decluttering, end of lockdown thing. So you've less stuff to move and more money to do it with.

Start storing stuff in plastic boxes to make it easier to move out (no packing, just pick up and into the car/van). Then all you'll need is him to go out for half hour.

Hiring a smaller van means it won't cost hundreds to move out. If you can't find anyone to drive the van, try to get your stuff down to whatever will fit in a large people-carrier taxi (assuming you're not moving far and going somewhere close to where you work). You can start again with second hand bare basic furniture for the new place. Lots of people give stuff away free eg plates and cutlery, sofas and little tables. Washing machines you can get for around £50-100 beds for around the same, rugs for £10-50, job lots of blankets for £20-40 depending how many. Cheap radio for £20 new if you can't afford tv. It honestly needn't cost the earth to physically leave.

If you spoke to your landlord they'd probably be sympathetic to you asking him to leave and if he won't go changing the locks (because he's abusive). Being worse off financially will still be a better quality of life than putting up with all this crap from your partner.

He sounds like a stroppy child