Dealing with very particular DH

[jpbee]

Im struggling to find posts relating to my situation as usually this is in reverse. My DH is very particular about things, mostly relating to the house being tidy and clean. I like a minimalist space and things to be clean too so we’re not complete opposites but I feel it has escalated on his part over the past couple of years and I’m struggling at times. I’ve no doubt lockdown has accentuated this.

He is very open when I do something that he doesn’t consider to be acceptable and will say it quite bluntly and it can be hurtful.
Today I got a new pair of trainers and they didn’t fit so I put them back in the original outer packaging and placed them on the dining table to seal and label later, this was partly due to us having a young daughter and I didn’t want her messing with them. He saw them on the table and was horrified that I would put the box on the dining table. I tried to shrug it off and he went on a rant about how that box has been in the back of a van and on a conveyor and it’s gross that I would put it where we eat. He then said I lacked in logic at times..

I suppose I need some perspective, was this a really disgusting thing to do or is he being overly critical? I’m losing touch with reality and what is actually gross and what he considers to be gross!

I have many more examples and the one above may not be ideal but is is fresh in my memory and just got to me today.. I’m hoping someone out there might be in a similar situation and can relate? Everyone talks about how lucky I am being with someone like this as quite often men don’t do anything round the house, and whilst I’m grateful it is also becoming a source of anxiety for me now.

No, it was ok to put the box there.
Has he always been like this ? Are either of his parents like this ? Is he worse due to Covid ?

Um no that's not normal and nor is it logical. You use plates ffs, not eat off the bare wood of the table.

He sounds like he has OCD or is a controlling arsehole, possibly both.

No that's a highly disproportionate reaction.

That is such a relief to hear. I was worried most replies on here might actually just confirm that it wasn’t an ok thing to do!
Yes he has always been like this to an extent but definitely got worse over the past few years and more particular about things in general, mostly house related. I suppose covid does give him additional justification but on most occasions it relates to general cleanliness.
His Mum is similar but not to the same extent, but he was brought up in a clean and tidy house however nothing too intense.

Of course there's nothing wrong with putting a parcel on the kitchen table. If he has an issue with it that's his problem not yours. You are under no obligation to measure up to his unreasonable (obsessive) 'standards'.

I should add - it is extremely toxic for your daughter to grow up seeing her mother being treated like this. He urgently needs to change this behaviour.

His reaction was way over the top however I wouldn't have put the shoes on a table due to being superstitious as new shoes on a table is deemed bad luck

He sounds unhinged to be honest. It’s one thing if he doesn’t like the mess of a box out on show on the table and prefer it to be put away somewhere but to say it’s gross? Does he think it’s going to be covered in germs that are somehow going to jump from the box onto your food?

Bad luck to put new shoes on a table though op!!

@popcornfrenzy you do understand though that there is no such thing as bad luck and not putting shoes on the table because of this would also be massively illogical?

I would say he lacks perspective, hasn’t he heard of disinfectant! It’s bloody brilliant stuff and clean a table in under a minute, and if he’s so bothered about it he can’t take care of that himself instead of lumping his ridiculous expectations on you.

If it bothers him, he takes care of it. End of discussion because these things that are his issues are not sticks to verbally beat you with. It’s him, not you!

That reaction sounds completely over the top to me and the way he spoke to you would also not be acceptable for me. Of course a partner can bring up something they see differently, but telling you you 'lack logic' is not on. Does he perhaps have a phobia regarding dirt or infection?

He didn’t have a normal reaction. Your reaction was normal. He sounds like he has some issues that need addressing in terms both in regards to “normal” levels of cleanliness but more importantly what is acceptable loving behaviour in a relationship as his reaction was neither acceptable or loving, he was a dick.

Overly critical, unless you don't use plates and lick food off the table.

@CrappyGarage I'm well aware of the illogical notion when it comes to superstitions but it's what I believe and doesn't harm anything or anyone - the OPs DH's reaction is well over the top and I thought he may be superstitious too but actually sounds very controlling

@Easterbunnygettingready

Bad luck to put new shoes on a table though op!!

I’d say this as a JOKE! I hasten to add.

He's nuts.

Is he warriors about Covid?

It's a bonkers reaction anyway - is he depressed?

Big overreaction. He had a cheek to question your thinking. He's clearly oblivious to how unreasonable he's being.

Obviously

I have ocd op diagnosed and I would say it's very likely he does too.

I would not like shoes/packages placed on a table like this but I know it's because of my ocd.

You say his mother is similar, many experts think there is a genetic element to ocd, not least because our brains are often literally physically different to other peoples but there can also be elements of learned behaviour

He needs help and treatment, although it's not easy to access. There is no cure for ocd but it can be managed.

But I see the usual prejudiced responses to an ILLNESS are here

I wouldn’t have done it - because I have got ocd about germs. But - I recognise that that isn’t normal, your husbands reaction isn’t normal and would guess it’s driven by OCD or similar

That is a very extreme reaction which isn't healthy for either himself or his family.

He needs to deal with his mental health as a priority, this isn't anything you have done wrong.

It's a huge overreaction imho.

But new shoes on a table...my nana would've been horrified about the bad luck!

My DH is very very particular and a fuss pot. Fortunately he has never had an issue paying a cleaner.

TBF op, a box containing shoes, or any other parcel, has no place on the dining room table and I sort of get his point. Kitchen table not such an issue but never ever shoes on a table.

My dh isn't necessarily easy, although I love him to bits, but when he's being a tit I have always been able to give a tinkly laugh, wave a tea towel in his direction and good natured tell him to fuck off. And he does, with a beer