Dealing with very particular DH

[jpbee]

Im struggling to find posts relating to my situation as usually this is in reverse. My DH is very particular about things, mostly relating to the house being tidy and clean. I like a minimalist space and things to be clean too so we’re not complete opposites but I feel it has escalated on his part over the past couple of years and I’m struggling at times. I’ve no doubt lockdown has accentuated this.

He is very open when I do something that he doesn’t consider to be acceptable and will say it quite bluntly and it can be hurtful.
Today I got a new pair of trainers and they didn’t fit so I put them back in the original outer packaging and placed them on the dining table to seal and label later, this was partly due to us having a young daughter and I didn’t want her messing with them. He saw them on the table and was horrified that I would put the box on the dining table. I tried to shrug it off and he went on a rant about how that box has been in the back of a van and on a conveyor and it’s gross that I would put it where we eat. He then said I lacked in logic at times..

I suppose I need some perspective, was this a really disgusting thing to do or is he being overly critical? I’m losing touch with reality and what is actually gross and what he considers to be gross!

I have many more examples and the one above may not be ideal but is is fresh in my memory and just got to me today.. I’m hoping someone out there might be in a similar situation and can relate? Everyone talks about how lucky I am being with someone like this as quite often men don’t do anything round the house, and whilst I’m grateful it is also becoming a source of anxiety for me now.

I’m with popcornfrenzy

I think we married to the same person OP. We had a similar argument yesterday and I was also accused of not being logical. The frustrating thing is that there is a grain of logic to every one of his behaviours, so he feels he is in the right, even though it is genuinely making me miserable. Recent examples have been:

I do not wash my hands before I unload the dishwasher. Disgusting apparently.

I do not wipe door handles with alcohol gel.

When going food shopping it is mandatory to change out of clothes and put them straight in the washing machine when you get home, as Covid might be on them (no longer an issue as now even going in a shop is too dangerous so we get deliveries).

All post to be put in quarantine for 3 days before opening.

If I touch my wallet at any point, even if I’ve not left the house for over a week, I then have to go and wash my hands because there are probably germs on it.

Covid has made things worse but he was always like this. The list goes on and on. Like you I get no sympathy as everyone just thinks that it’s great to have a husband who is tidy, but during lockdown the treading on eggshells and not knowing what the reaction will be to any action I take is exhausting.

No advice I’m afraid, just sympathy.

@Graphista have you just diagnosed OP’s DH via MN?

And you are now chiding us for saying he’s being unreasonable?

Ok then

He’s ott OP, must be hard to live with for you

I lived with one of those, I was constantly on edge because I wasn't doing things "correctly" or "to the right standard". It's highly controlling and abusive - it means you can never relax.

Of course there’s nothing wrong with putting a box on the table.

This sounds like OCD/obsessive behaviour from him OP. It also sounds like it’s pushed into bullying of you. It can be exhausting to live with but it’s important you push back for your sake and your daughters. I’d do a bit of reading on this as I imagine there are tried techniques for this. But seriously don’t allow yourself to be beaten down and bullied.

What the heck Horizon how can you live like that?!

I realised I was living with a lunatic when he suddenly banned ‘pots’ because of ness and insisted we eat off paper plates . He too coukdnt mentally cope with anything out of place even for an hour. It really isn’t you OP, he’s got ‘issues’

Should say ‘mess’

Dear god @Horizons83, that sounds like a living hell.

@popcornfrenzy

His reaction was way over the top however I wouldn't have put the shoes on a table due to being superstitious as new shoes on a table is deemed bad luck

Yep, me either, one of the things my mum was really vocal about! 🤣

@jpbee. I am very fussy, my cousin is even more fussy (her house is a beautiful show home with every fibre of the carpet standing up straight!) & both of us would put a parcel on the table like that (not shoes, but only because of the above, not because it's 'dirty').

He needs help, primarily about how he treats you & speaks to you snd the damage he'll do to your daughter!!

It's unacceptable.

Give us one other examples & we can see if he had a point at all or if he's entirely unreasonable re his 'cleanliness/rules' but whether he is or not, the way he treats you is unacceptable!

@Horizons83
You do know you don’t have to do anything he demands?

@Graphista but the OP doesn’t say he has a diagnosis of OCD? So how do you know he has an ILLNESS?

Omg, must be exhausting and what a complete waste of time. Op, could your dh have some cbt to help him with this?

I immediately thought it was because you'd put new shoes on a table and that's bad luck- was going to be with his view it that was the case......but no- he's being unreasonable, and it sounds like you k ow it really. Is it juts the cleaning he's particular over?

@HerMammy Oh I know, but it’s easier to pick my battles. For example, I’ve just got into the habit of changing clothes when I come back in as otherwise he will freak out. But if there’s something interesting in the post you can be damn sure I’m not waiting 3 days.

I’m hoping as the year goes on he will start chilling out a bit, but who knows. I don’t think I had realised until I wrote on this thread a) how much it bothered me and b) like OP, you start to think that you ARE the unhygienic one and in the wrong.

My brother runs a restaurant and would hate it if we put parcels or school/hand bags on the kitchen benches or table. We've all been 'trained' not to do it so I wouldn't do it now and would really notice if someone else did it.

You should be able to do what you want in your own home though!

Jesus @Horizons83 I consider my ocd to be pretty bad but even off your list the only thing I do off your husbands list is wash my hands before emptying the dishwasher (on the basis that I actually will be eating off the things I’ll be touching). I did get changed after being out like last April / May time and wipe shopping etc but it was exhausting and made my anxiety worse not better.

That must be awful to live with

IME the only thing to cure ocd is cbt and exposure therapy but very difficult to go through. I hope your husband realises he is at fault and can change

Does your DH not realise that there are bugs waffling around in the air we breath. How does he think that covid has spread. His reaction to the boxed shoes is completely OTT and you need to jump on this behaviour immediately.
57popcornfrenzy i was bought up with exactly the same superstition.

I wouldn’t of done it- who puts shoes, in or out of a box on the dining table! That’s crazy!

Are you seriously telling me that putting shoes (clean and in a box) on a dining table is perfectly normal? There’s no way- it’s disrespectful and rude.

@Magnificentmug12
I hope you’re being sarcastic, if not what a ridiculous overreaction.

Pre covid my husband would go mad at teenage kids for coming home in gym kit and not changing at the gym. I think this is OTT. AIBU?

Sounds more like he has OCD and it's got worse..........

There's some disordered thought patterns there.

If he is emotionally abusive you should consider your position.

@Magnificentmug12

I wouldn’t of done it- who puts shoes, in or out of a box on the dining table! That’s crazy!

Are you seriously telling me that putting shoes (clean and in a box) on a dining table is perfectly normal? There’s no way- it’s disrespectful and rude.

Hope you never see my dining room table.

I wonder how your DH would feel if he knew that I put my dogs bowls in our dishwasher with all of our dishes ? 🤣🤣