Page 4 | Dealing with very particular DH

toolatetofixate · 08/03/2021 06:20

@medlenno

SoSo99 - I could have written exactly that. Before children he wasn't fussed about housework (and I had grown up in my house doing lots of domestic stuff, cooking and sewing etc) but when we spit to p[art time work and took on a larger house and renovation job (I am extremely handy - do woodworking etc, so not immune to getting stuck in) its as if he has to be Leader of the Home because he has stepped down a little at work. If I've ever confronted him he'll go from 0-60 attacking me, saying he flogs himself (he does two long night shifts per week) to enable me to work like I do and he pays for everything. Yes, I know....

I don't respond to the needling at all now. No response. It's his silliness. I don't react to the reloading of the dishwasher or questions about parking (he too will drive on no sleep rather than me)

I accept that this is who is is and in an argument I don't need to be right. I'm happier this way

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just wondering... how can you be happy like this? I couldn't live with someone who ran around redoing things I'd done or who criticised the way I do things.

Bythemillpond · 08/03/2021 06:36

If the package needed sealing and you couldn’t put it in the table to do. Where would have been acceptable?

I would worry that unless he gets help then as he gets older he is going to get worse.

dishydishemup · 08/03/2021 06:58

@Pyewackect I loved your story. Maybe we should all use corn follies to sort our bad luck - the world might be a better place.

Lettuceforlunch · 08/03/2021 07:08

Blimey! Talk about coercive control! Why do you put up with it? This is no way to live, OP.

medlenno · 08/03/2021 10:15

in answer to your question - how do you put up with it? Well, last night, when he removed a wooden latch I'd made for a door that keeps opening and getting in the way, calling it 'utterly ridiculous' and laughing with quite an edge, proceeding to get tools out to rehang it at 9pm I didn't feel like putting up with it!

But I made no reaction and as a result I feel that I haven't handed over any power or energy to it. So I end up calmer than he is in a way. I used to defend myself and get upset but that's futile and in it's own way, controlling since you are trying to get another human to think Your Way.

Look, I won't lie. Living with someone who has narcissistic traits (I'm sure to have them too) is not easy. This a highly labile state and very situation based (ie I notice this so much at home and he has displayed these traits much more since being at home and working part time the self esteem may need this 'dissing' to prop it up?) If I did all the tasks it's like he wouldn't have that leverage!

He seems to want medals in a way for everyday tasks and acts the martyr (just like his mum) which i find silly. I grew up doing all of this without needing any praise. (but thinking I am better secretly because of this has it's own narcissism ;)

There is no one out there without narcissistic traits. Honestly. And maybe life's strains and certain situations and dynamics bring them out? Learning to deal with the pressure it can put on you will get you through life much stronger, as long as the severity and behaviour isn't bad. I can take a bit of dissing. I show my daughters how they can navigate this less appetizing behaviour without handing them the power.

It's not constant, he is highly complimentary about other things I do, is intelligent and collaborative. We've shared half our life together and have two children. I'm not leaving that because he tuts at the way I load a dishwasher or raises eyebrows about my parking.

medlenno · 08/03/2021 10:19

the thing that does make me really unhappy is how I cannot raise any criticism. He will fight a small fire with a nuclear weapon.
That isn't good and I am thinking more and more about that.

medlenno · 08/03/2021 10:26

Sorry, forgot to add but I feel this is important and I must stress this is only my experience but in an odd way, living with him makes me a better person and has really made me reflect on my behaviour and how to be calmer, more tolerant, own my responsibilities and all that good adult stuff.

ShallWeStartTheMeeting · 08/03/2021 10:35

@Pyewackect your story made me smile and tear up at the same time.
Your grandparents sounded lovely.

SunnySideUp2020 · 08/03/2021 10:46

I ask my DH not to put packages on dining table or anything from outside for that matter ...
That's just my standards of hygiene.
Nobody ever suggested i have ocd. I am aware i am a bit of germophobe but nothing pathological...

Scrunchy95 · 08/03/2021 10:46

His reaction was so over the top and out of proportion. If I were you I wouldn't know how to live in a way that doesn't provoke him into having an outburst. If he can't accept his view is not normal you may have a narcissist on your hands!

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 11:20

I suppose you that’s why a division of Labour can be a good thing. This is my area of work, and that’s yours!

I don’t know how people can live with this kind of stuff but so many people seem to have so many issues, it’s a marvel we don’t all live alone (apart from the loved up thread “why does your DH adore you).

Has your DH thought of OCD, OP? I have heard it can be improved with SSRI anti depressants.

You can stand your ground anyway, and say you’re fine with something even if he isn’t. You have to be very assertive, which you could try for a while? But then again who wants to be forced to do this in their own home? Also, with irrational states of mind (ocd, narcissism) this is harder than it sounds as nothing really gets through. You could try.

There is nothing wrong with a box on a table. However the problem with giving one example is that people tend to focus on that, oblivious to the more general problem.

The OCD thing. I believe as I said above it can be managed, but it never completely goes away. I also believe it has perhaps a minor link with autism, hence the inflexibility of thought on some matters.

BusyLizzie61 · 08/03/2021 11:23

@jpbee

Im struggling to find posts relating to my situation as usually this is in reverse. My DH is very particular about things, mostly relating to the house being tidy and clean. I like a minimalist space and things to be clean too so we’re not complete opposites but I feel it has escalated on his part over the past couple of years and I’m struggling at times. I’ve no doubt lockdown has accentuated this.

He is very open when I do something that he doesn’t consider to be acceptable and will say it quite bluntly and it can be hurtful.
Today I got a new pair of trainers and they didn’t fit so I put them back in the original outer packaging and placed them on the dining table to seal and label later, this was partly due to us having a young daughter and I didn’t want her messing with them. He saw them on the table and was horrified that I would put the box on the dining table. I tried to shrug it off and he went on a rant about how that box has been in the back of a van and on a conveyor and it’s gross that I would put it where we eat. He then said I lacked in logic at times..

I suppose I need some perspective, was this a really disgusting thing to do or is he being overly critical? I’m losing touch with reality and what is actually gross and what he considers to be gross!

I have many more examples and the one above may not be ideal but is is fresh in my memory and just got to me today.. I’m hoping someone out there might be in a similar situation and can relate? Everyone talks about how lucky I am being with someone like this as quite often men don’t do anything round the house, and whilst I’m grateful it is also becoming a source of anxiety for me now.

He saw them on the table and was horrified that I would put the box on the dining table. I tried to shrug it off and he went on a rant about how that box has been in the back of a van and on a conveyor and it’s gross that I would put it where we eat. He then said I lacked in logic at times. Many in my extended family would say the same and add in superstitious elements too about shoes on tables!

The reality is that as long as the table is cleaned before eating, it poses no more a risk than had this been repackaged on the floor.
He sounds as though he has an element of ocd and this needs approaching with him. As does how he shares his "dislikes".

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 11:24

I forgot to add good luck. You are upset and had a confrontation. You feel bad and upset. But when things come to a head, there is often more insight and clarity afterwards, at eventually.

ForeverDiamond · 08/03/2021 11:24

at least eventually.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/03/2021 11:39

medlenno

re your comments in quote marks that I have separated out:-

"It's not constant, he is highly complimentary about other things I do, is intelligent and collaborative.

Also that benefits him too so he would be nicer then. Abusers are not nasty all the time because if they were, no-one would want to be with them. What is being shown to you here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. And now you are shutting yourself down emotionally and trying to not react which is also what he wanted all along too.

"We've shared half our life together and have two children".

Neither of the above are really any reasons to stay with him either; the first part of this re sharing half a life already is the "sunken costs fallacy" and that basically causes people to keep on making poor relationship decisions. You want to spend a further 20 or 30 years like this?. What relationship lessons are being imparted to your kids, would you want them to remain in such a relationship just because you have chosen to date to do so?.

re your comment:-
"I'm not leaving that because he tuts at the way I load a dishwasher or raises eyebrows about my parking"

But you would not be leaving him because of that. You would be leaving him for other reasons; an important one being you cannot raise any criticism (your own words). Being in a relationship where you have no say at all is selling your own self and in turn your kids short. Shutting yourself down in the hopes of deflecting him and/or keeping quiet will not help you either in the long run. The power and control balance in this relationship is all his and he knows that too. He will never willingly relinquish any of that to you.

Bythemillpond · 08/03/2021 14:41

SunnySideUp2020 so where do you put them if you need to repack them. Do you put them on the floor and sit o the floor to tape them up?
Really struggling with the logistics of how you do things without a table

medlenno the control you live under is huge. Even your response is passive so as he wouldn’t know. Of course he doesn’t do it all of the time otherwise you would leave. It is part of your training.
What has how long you have been together got anything to do with staying and putting up with this crap.
Life is too short.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/03/2021 14:45

My biggest concern would have been it’s bad luck to put new shoes on a table!

As for the box..🙄pfff

strudsespark · 08/03/2021 15:15

Oh dear, I'm with your dh in that I would find it unhygenic. Oh and ta da i have ocd .

I saw @Graphista got a lot of flack, but if it's ocd related perhaps a little awareness about this on your dh's behalf would stop these situations from escalating.

SunnySideUp2020 · 08/03/2021 15:30

@Bythemillpond i use the desk or the counter where we don't eat...
I mean i don't go mental if it happens but i do ask that the area where we eat is kept without stuff from outside

BlingLoving · 08/03/2021 15:31

But it isn't about this one parcel is it? It's about that all decisions that, arguably, could go either way, have to be done HIS way, or there's an atmosphere/ you have to lectured and patronised etc etc.

DH has some ridiculous germ issues that he gets from his mum (this is a woman who runs her dishwasher twice because she's convinced it's not clean enough with just one run...). I accommodate some, up to a point, and some he accommodates me thinking he's ridiculous. Up to a point. And sometimes he gets mad because I'm just not that stressed about something and that's fine, but I just ignore it.

So, a parcel on the table is something I would be fine with, but okay, if he's got a germ issue, I can see why he might not be so happy with that. But if he lectures you and if it's just another in a long line of things that have to be done his way, by you.... then that's another thing entirely.

chemicalworld · 08/03/2021 16:02

I had a relationship with someone who always had a kind way of telling me that my way of doing things was not the right way. I got out of it soon after as I found myself becoming anxious and double thinking the ways that I did everything in case they were not up to scratch for my partner. I felt stifled. He wasn't at all horrible in the way that he suggested things, but it was undermining.

No thank you

peak2021 · 08/03/2021 16:29

Many people have something that they have a short fuse about and tips them over the edge so to speak. This seems a lot more than this and does seem to be verging on or being coercive.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/03/2021 16:43

He wouldn't survive a day in my house

Mix56 · 08/03/2021 16:49

So with your DC do you say, "careful don't do that, it will upset Daddy", or "Daddy likes it done another way ?" You are all walking on eggshells to an extent.
I expect you relax better when he is at work....
He is controlling your life. This is a terrible dynamic for your DC

Bythemillpond · 08/03/2021 16:56

Why do you even try to load the dishwasher or do anything if someone is going to come along and re do it or tell you how it should be done. I lived with someone like this and used to tell them to do stuff because they were so much better at it than me.

SunnySideUp2020
You have a desk and a spare counter. I presume you don’t mean a counter in the kitchen where food is prepared.
What happens if you don’t have space to accommodate these extra pieces of furniture.
I have a tiny house with very little furniture. If we have to send anything back it is either done on the bed or on the dining table. There isn’t anywhere else apart from the floor