Dealing with very particular DH

[jpbee]

Im struggling to find posts relating to my situation as usually this is in reverse. My DH is very particular about things, mostly relating to the house being tidy and clean. I like a minimalist space and things to be clean too so we’re not complete opposites but I feel it has escalated on his part over the past couple of years and I’m struggling at times. I’ve no doubt lockdown has accentuated this.

He is very open when I do something that he doesn’t consider to be acceptable and will say it quite bluntly and it can be hurtful.
Today I got a new pair of trainers and they didn’t fit so I put them back in the original outer packaging and placed them on the dining table to seal and label later, this was partly due to us having a young daughter and I didn’t want her messing with them. He saw them on the table and was horrified that I would put the box on the dining table. I tried to shrug it off and he went on a rant about how that box has been in the back of a van and on a conveyor and it’s gross that I would put it where we eat. He then said I lacked in logic at times..

I suppose I need some perspective, was this a really disgusting thing to do or is he being overly critical? I’m losing touch with reality and what is actually gross and what he considers to be gross!

I have many more examples and the one above may not be ideal but is is fresh in my memory and just got to me today.. I’m hoping someone out there might be in a similar situation and can relate? Everyone talks about how lucky I am being with someone like this as quite often men don’t do anything round the house, and whilst I’m grateful it is also becoming a source of anxiety for me now.

I find it interesting to see other people in the same position. I don't think it's possible to attribute it purely to traits of narcissism or OCD.

My DH is genuinely a lovely, kind, respectful man, who I am lucky to have as my spouse (and I would hope he would say similar about me!). I read about some horrific men on this site, and I genuinely can say he is the polar opposite of them. I am sure others would say similar, it's certainly not a case of LTB. But that doesn't mean that the behaviour is easy to live with.

You do start to second-guess your own ability to function as an adult. There's a certainty in DH's mind that his way of doing things is the 'right' way and any other way is just incorrect, and that I am the only person in the world who does it the way I think is correct. And it's always little things which on their own don't seem too bad.. 'Why don't you just wash your hands after touching your wallet, it's a small thing to do and the reward of not catching the germs is so much greater.'

And there's always that little grain of logic that's impossible to argue with. Yes, it is correct that someone will have handled that box, it will have been in the back of a van... so yes, on that logical basis the floor is probably the better place than the dining table.. how can you argue against that?

OP, what you said about being treated as child being taught something resonates with me. I am a woman in her 40s who lived alone until I was in my 30s, and yet sometimes I do wonder how I manage to function as an adult? That's not sarcasm, that thought has come to me recently (yes, I have and always have had self-esteem issues). In fact I hid away in the bathroom in tears a couple of weekends ago as I felt so inadequate after getting something 'wrong' - I genuinely can't remember what it was I did now. And it's all said with love and a genuine desire to 'help' me improve.

One thing I did stand up to that same weekend... DH started to show me the 'correct' way to read a book to our daughter.. he got a death stare for that.

I realise now I do need to stand up to everything a bit more, especially as he will soon start to behave in the same way towards our 16 month old daughter (I can't quite get a handle on whether we are behind on this or not, but he refuses to allow her to try using an open cup due to the potential mess, even though she only drinks water... and no messy play). It's easy to let it slide when it's a little thing here and then.. but it all adds up.

Sorry for jumping on your thread OP, it's cathartic!

But how would you wrap/label something if you didn't use a table? Woud you get down on the floor to do it? And if you are going to deal with it on the table, what's wrong with it sitting there til you do it? Genuinely baffled. I only have a kitchen table and i use it for everything and put all sorts on it, i always clean it before we eat from it though. I would find op's dh and some of the fussy people on here very hard going.

What does anyone expect to actually "catch" from a table that's had a box on it. I'm sorry but this is just all sorts of crazy. There are vanishing small number of infections that are going to be transferred from an inanimate object to another inanimate object, somehow magically get ingested and then cause a disease! The world has gone crazy.

@Honeybobbin Bizarrely she does have plenty of toys out (I guess because it’s not a hygiene thing) but he does spend a lot of the day putting them all away, only for her to get them out again

I’m taking some time off work later in March to spend some time with her (DH is the SAHP) and I’ve decided I’m going to plan some messy play during that week!

I’d be worried about how his behaviour was going to impact your daughter.

Horizon, the apprenticeship part of growing & learning has to involve learning to drink from a cup, dexterity & coordination by eating with fingers & a spoon, often more ends up on the floor than in their mouths.
You have to allow her to make a mess..
You end up with mess everywhere, in their hair, on their clothes, on the bib, on the high chair, on the wall & floors
Does he hold her hands down while he spoon feeds her?😟

All these people who think you are going to catch germs from a parcel being on a table or not washing your hands. How is your body meant to build up any tolerances if you live in a completely sanitised house

My worry for children born into these times is that their long term health will suffer because they are not being allowed to build up any natural immunity as the tiny amount of germs that are normally there are being wiped away.
Germs in the form of not washing hands every time you have touched a surface or from a parcel that someone might have touched are there to build up immunity. Getting rid of them could be a dangerous experiment

The only 2 people I know who are this paranoid about washing hands and see germs everywhere are the ones who over the years have had worsening health because of their bodies inability to fight any infection

I was always told it is bad luck to put new shoes on a table.

Ask him 'what do you think might happen as a result of this box being here?'
That changes it back to him having to look at himself and his thoughts instead of him making it personal about your behaviour being 'wrong'.

"But it isn't about this one parcel is it? It's about that all decisions that, arguably, could go either way, have to be done HIS way, or there's an atmosphere/ you have to lectured and patronised etc etc."

^THIS! Beautifully captures the issue @BlingLoving