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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've caved in...

111 replies

LionMother · 06/03/2021 13:11

DH agreed to provide all meals this weekend (including a take-away at some point) to give me a break from cooking. I provide all lunches and cook home-made dinner everyday. I went back to work this week too so I expect this aspect of home life to be shared, although not 50:50.
It's now 13:05 and no lunch has appeared. DH is happily mowing the lawn without a care in the world that his children need to eat some lunch.
I've caved in and put fish fingers and hand cut chips into the oven. I've sling a couple of jackets in there for DH and I but he can sort out whatever topping he likes.
Seriously... he's obviously forgotten but what the hell? Why can't he take on some responsibility as to feeding our children? Why does it always end up with me having to be the grown up who remembers such things?? I do it everyday and accept this is my role as mother but he specifically agreed to take this off me for today to give me a mental break.
I wonder how he'd cope if I ended up in hospital for a week... or even if I went away for the weekend (when we're allowed). I feel like I can't trust him to do the basics. I always have to remind him about cleaning their teeth and giving vitamin when it's his turn in the morning. Children are 5 and 6.
Just ranting really...

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 06/03/2021 13:13

I feel your pain. My DH is the same. But why did you put him jackets in? Understand you wanting to get something for your DC but not him. That really was caving in.

Singlenotsingle · 06/03/2021 13:15

Not sure why it's such a big issue, just chucking fish fingers and chips in the oven? Dh is mowing the grass, not snoozing or playing computer games! You could have gone out and said you'd cut the grass while he did the lunch (or is that missing the point).

Ginevere · 06/03/2021 13:16

Maybe I’m manipulative but my first step would have been to send a kid out to say they’re hungry!

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2021 13:18

What did he say when you said, "Oi DH, remember you said you'd sort lunch? Well me and the kids are hungry"?

Perhaps he doesn't realise the time? 🤷‍♀️

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 13:21

Just seems petty. I'd much rather put fish fingers on than cut the grass. He sounds like he pulls his weight. Some women are just desperate to pick a fight.

Kgrzghtechh · 06/03/2021 13:21

Ok, he's forgotten. So what did he say when you reminded him?

Original poster
LionMother · 06/03/2021 13:26

@Singlenotsingle

Not sure why it's such a big issue, just chucking fish fingers and chips in the oven? Dh is mowing the grass, not snoozing or playing computer games! You could have gone out and said you'd cut the grass while he did the lunch (or is that missing the point).
Sorry... you're missing the point. I was busy hoovering bedrooms, assuming DH was capable of providing lunch at lunchtime as agreed.
OP posts:
toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 13:27

"Happily mowing the lawn without a care in the world."

Hmm

Cutting the grass is bloody hard work. Jesus, feed your kids and enjoy your husband.

Original poster
LionMother · 06/03/2021 13:29

He just sort of shrugged and laid the table. He does pull his weight. I'm just fed up with being the one who has to remember lunch time, tea time, bath time, bedtime. It's like DH hasn't got a clue on any of these timings or doesn't care. I am often flexible but expecting the kids to wait until past 13:30 for their lunch isn't acceptable in my bed given that they usually eat around 12/12:30

OP posts:
MarkRuffaloCrumble · 06/03/2021 13:32

Why should OP have to remind her DH to feed his own fucking children when he’d specifically agreed that was his responsibility this weekend?

FFS some of you have no idea.

He’s an adult - he should be capable of remembering to feed his DC - especially when his wife has specifically asked him to do that this weekend.

Obviously putting in some oven lunch (not sure why you need to specify hand cut chips OP!!?) isn’t a big deal. But then why isn’t he thinking about it. Yes he’s mowing. She’s hoovering. Same difference.

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 13:32

@LionMother

He just sort of shrugged and laid the table. He does pull his weight. I'm just fed up with being the one who has to remember lunch time, tea time, bath time, bedtime. It's like DH hasn't got a clue on any of these timings or doesn't care. I am often flexible but expecting the kids to wait until past 13:30 for their lunch isn't acceptable in my bed given that they usually eat around 12/12:30

I think you need to lighten up. Let him do what he's offered to do. Don't jump in. Just leave him to it. He won't let the kids starve. You need to relinquish some control and calm down.

Try it and see what happens.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2021 13:35

I know lots of people will say you shouldn't have to remind him but if you've been providing all lunches and dinners up until now, he may well need a reminder until he starts to factor it into his day.

Communicate with him rather than being a martyr.

Inertia · 06/03/2021 13:36

The double standards here are mad.

Man doing household chore: of course he cannot be expected to remember to feed his children as agreed! He must be worshipped at the alter of the lawnmower because it’s so hard!

Woman also doing household chore at the same time: Did you remind him of the thing he’d already agreed he would do? Stop the chore you’re doing and feed your kids- and while you’re at it, ‘enjoy’ your husband and his manly toil!

Next time, you could send the kids to interrupt what he’s doing. His work in the home isn’t more worthy than yours.

borntobequiet · 06/03/2021 13:41

You should have put your coat on and gone out for a walk, cheerfully reminding him on your way out that the kids needed their lunch.

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 13:41

@Inertia

The double standards here are mad.

Man doing household chore: of course he cannot be expected to remember to feed his children as agreed! He must be worshipped at the alter of the lawnmower because it’s so hard!

Woman also doing household chore at the same time: Did you remind him of the thing he’d already agreed he would do? Stop the chore you’re doing and feed your kids- and while you’re at it, ‘enjoy’ your husband and his manly toil!

Next time, you could send the kids to interrupt what he’s doing. His work in the home isn’t more worthy than yours.

Women on this forum hold themselves in too high regard. There are so many things my husband does around the house that I'd be utterly clueless about. He's currently renovating the entire place single handed. When he shows me the plans he's drawn up I don't have a clue how he even knows where to begin. A few videos on YouTube and he's remodelling an entire bathroom for the first time. The best I can manage is to help him measure rooms.

So why would I scoff at him if he also loses track of time? Or can't cook as well as I can? Why are my skills superior to his?

The OP needs to leave him to it like he asked. Her children won't starve just because things aren't running to her schedule.

WorraLiberty · 06/03/2021 13:41

Man doing household chore: of course he cannot be expected to remember to feed his children as agreed!

He was mowing the lawn and forgot. Possibly because...

I provide all lunches and cook home-made dinner everyday.

And with regards to double standards, if a woman forgot to put lunch on because A.) It's a brand new routine and B.) She was in the middle of mowing the lawn, that would be a perfectly acceptable reason.

Zoomzoom90 · 06/03/2021 13:41

OP, I think you are being given a hard time. Yes your husband should have stopped mowing the lawn and made the lunch. My DC are older than yours and when I went back to work after our second DH called me at work (frontline health care worker) and asked what to give them for lunch. I told him that he was in charge of the kids when I was at work and that included meal planning for them.

I do get the posters who say ‘just put the fishfingers in the oven and be grateful he is mowing the lawn’, but if they haven’t lived with a man child they don’t know how exhausting it is.

I think you should have told him at 12 that the kids would need feeding at 12/12.30, possibly even suggest what he feeds them and then let him get on with it.

They can be trained- husbands I mean. About 2 years ago DH taught himself how to cook a roast. It was the best roast I’ve ever had Grin.

user1493413286 · 06/03/2021 14:09

I know what you mean; I’ve often noticed that DH doesn’t think about the kids lunch until he’s hungry and ready for lunch which might not be until 1.30/2 but seeing as they are used to eating at 12.30 it’s quite late for them.
I’m not sure why you didn’t just go out and remind him though rather than do it yourself

harknesswitch · 06/03/2021 14:13

Why didn't you tell him

'Dh, it's x o'clock, we all need lunch'

harknesswitch · 06/03/2021 14:14

Oh and as he forgot lunch, it's his turn to make tea, or the next meal you were supposed to do

Bluntness100 · 06/03/2021 14:15

I don’t get this kinda martyrdom that sone women seem to relish.

Just send a kid out or shout oi , get lunch on,

There’s no need for the drama.

Sakurami · 06/03/2021 14:15

I'm with you op.

We all have work, chores etc that need doing but there are things that take priority and feeding your kids is one.

So when I'm doing my lawn mowing or work or cleaning, I have to factor in feeding my kids. My ex would just be on his own schedule and not have to factor in things like this.

You end up never really having a mental or physical break. Ans it would have been nice to have a weekend when you know you can just do the things you plan to do without having to look after everyone else too.

Next time tell the kids to ask their dad to feed them.

1forAll74 · 06/03/2021 14:17

He can do the food after mowing the lawn, nobody will starve to death.

SnuggleWuggle · 06/03/2021 14:20

Hand cut chips Grin

CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/03/2021 14:23

@Bluntness100

I don’t get this kinda martyrdom that sone women seem to relish.

Just send a kid out or shout oi , get lunch on,

There’s no need for the drama.

I think you missed the point.

Since when have women become the walking family calendar and why aren't men held to the same standard of care and attention?

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