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Original poster

I've caved in...

111 replies

LionMother · 06/03/2021 13:11

DH agreed to provide all meals this weekend (including a take-away at some point) to give me a break from cooking. I provide all lunches and cook home-made dinner everyday. I went back to work this week too so I expect this aspect of home life to be shared, although not 50:50.
It's now 13:05 and no lunch has appeared. DH is happily mowing the lawn without a care in the world that his children need to eat some lunch.
I've caved in and put fish fingers and hand cut chips into the oven. I've sling a couple of jackets in there for DH and I but he can sort out whatever topping he likes.
Seriously... he's obviously forgotten but what the hell? Why can't he take on some responsibility as to feeding our children? Why does it always end up with me having to be the grown up who remembers such things?? I do it everyday and accept this is my role as mother but he specifically agreed to take this off me for today to give me a mental break.
I wonder how he'd cope if I ended up in hospital for a week... or even if I went away for the weekend (when we're allowed). I feel like I can't trust him to do the basics. I always have to remind him about cleaning their teeth and giving vitamin when it's his turn in the morning. Children are 5 and 6.
Just ranting really...

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/03/2021 15:25

A deal is a deal. Don’t rush in and save him. Anyway assuming you in the uk it is ridiculous to cut the grass in March.

Ocsetldil · 06/03/2021 15:26

Has your DH had his lunch yet?

Purplewithred · 06/03/2021 15:27

Man doing household chore: of course he cannot be expected to remember to feed his children as agreed! He must be worshipped at the alter of the lawnmower because it’s so hard!

Woman also doing household chore at the same time: Did you remind him of the thing he’d already agreed he would do? Stop the chore you’re doing and feed your kids- and while you’re at it, ‘enjoy’ your husband and his manly toil!

This.

Also, he was probably hoping you would cave so you could carry on cooking because he doesn't want to/doesn't want to be told what to do.

You have my sympathy, but next time try not to cave.

zzzooomwatcher · 06/03/2021 15:28

I don't get why you didn't just say "hey mister where is lunch?" Instead of martying and then coming on here to bitch about it. Just why?

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 06/03/2021 15:29

@LionMother

He just sort of shrugged and laid the table. He does pull his weight. I'm just fed up with being the one who has to remember lunch time, tea time, bath time, bedtime. It's like DH hasn't got a clue on any of these timings or doesn't care. I am often flexible but expecting the kids to wait until past 13:30 for their lunch isn't acceptable in my bed given that they usually eat around 12/12:30
Why is it not acceptable? And if there is some compelling reason why they must eat at midday, why did you not either remind your DH or start cooking yourself at that point rather than an hour later?

And you were writing your post at 13.05 - you could have had something on the table by 13.15 if it was crucial. You didn't have to start heating the oven and cooking things. Surely a few pieces of bread, some cheese/ham and tomato/cucumber would have sufficed for a quick Saturday lunch?

I agree he should have done it without being prompted, but I think you made it into far more of a drama than it needed to be.

KatherineJaneway · 06/03/2021 15:38

Why didn't you call him out on it?

GeorgiaGirl52 · 06/03/2021 15:42

@1forAll74

He can do the food after mowing the lawn, nobody will starve to death.
This^
scaredsadandstuck · 06/03/2021 15:45

I mean knowing that children need to have fairly regular meals is surely something you acknowledge, even if you are struggling with a penis and a lawnmower?

Grin 100% this

CodMouth · 06/03/2021 15:46

I wouldn’t have put spuds in for him.

Let his rumbling stomach remind him he forgot lunch.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/03/2021 15:54

"Why does it always end up with me having to be the grown up who remembers such things??"

Because he knows you'll caveSad. Because he knows you'll put fish fingers and hand cut chips into the oven, instead of hollering out the window - 'Oi! The kids need fed! Do it now!'.

If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got.

Wannabegreenfingers · 06/03/2021 15:54

I get you. My ex was the same. A completely capable adult human, but always had to be told what, when and how to cook a meal for either him, us or the children. It was exhausting .

Chaotica · 06/03/2021 15:54

I'm with you OP. You shouldn't need an agreement to get him to pitch in and given that you actually have an agreement that he would do it, it's not OK that he was just getting on with the lawn.

Those saying 'what's the problem, the kids could have eaten once he's done the lawn?' have clearly never lived with someone who would have forgotten entirely and got on with doing something else afterwards, completely forgetting to feed the kids.

DavidsSchitt · 06/03/2021 16:08

It was 1pm - if the kids were starving they would've said.

Such drama. Especially the "hand cut chips" Hmm

FusionChefGeoff · 06/03/2021 16:33

It's the careless abandon that annoys me. It demonstrates the complete absence of mental load which ergo shows how 100% of food mental load is on OP - even when she's supposed to be 'off'

If I'm doing jobs, I've always got one eye on the clock and often don't start / finish lots of stuff I wanted to do as I won't have time before I have to sort yet another fucking meal.

It just doesn't affect DH's life in the same way as he can just pause what he's doing, eat the food, then pick it back up again.

I don't agree with how OP dealt with it, but I do totally agree with her ranting about it.

scubadub · 06/03/2021 16:34

I've said it before on threads like this and I'll say it again

It's when women act like this that I think no wonder men think we're all hard bloody work...Hmm

PurpleMustang · 06/03/2021 17:03

It does seem to be a man thing that they know the kids need feeding but have no common sense to keep an eye on the time to get the job done. I dont agree you should have to 'remind' him what the time is. All men seem to be able to keep an eye on the clock for other reasons but not for their kids. I would be tempted to put up a list of timings, lunch, dinner, bath etc decide what days he does those and then suggest if he really needs to that he sets an alarm to remind him about his kids.

Colourmeclear · 06/03/2021 17:12

OP, does he usually let you down or conveniently forget things? I'm wondering if this isn't sitting on a bigger bed of resentment that's just bubbled over today.

Figgyboa · 06/03/2021 17:16

Sounds like he was busy and lost track of time. Why didn't you just remind him?
Do you always have a cooked lunch? Sandwiches take 5 mins

Onelifeonly · 06/03/2021 17:18

I learnt long ago that if you expect your partner to do certain chores (rightly so) you have to allow them to do them, even if that means they don't do them the exact way/ at exact time you do - you can discuss the best way/ time together but if they don't adhere to it, let them make the "mistake".

I can well understand he could have lost track of time or just wanted to finish the mowing first. It would have been fine to remind him or ask one of your dc to do so, but you shouldn't have made the lunch. You've undermined him AND yourself.

Templetree · 06/03/2021 17:57

can well understand he could have lost track of time or just wanted to finish the mowing first. It would have been fine to remind him or ask one of your dc to do so, but you shouldn't have made the lunch. You've undermined him AND yourself

This sums it up really.

You are back to raging at your first point which is why doesnt he think/ do xyz but then doing it anyway.

Yes he needs to step up but give him the chance without doing it for him.

Annasgirl · 06/03/2021 18:04

Who would remind the OP to do that? Her mum? Why cant the DH remember? Its not as if he forgot to pay the milkman, I mean knowing that children need to have fairly regular meals is surely something you acknowledge, even if you are struggling with a penis and a lawnmower?

Post of the week Grin

BehindMyEyes · 06/03/2021 18:09

My ex H used to leave a note for himself on days he had to pick up our son from nursery 🤔 Mothers don't need to do that - they just know . I'm guessing he was going to do it after finishing the lawn ? What did he say ?

MaLarkinn · 06/03/2021 18:10

1:05 .....And you started your thread.

Poor chap!

Fucking hell, imagine the responses if a man had posted this.

toolatetofixate · 06/03/2021 18:12

@Annasgirl

Who would remind the OP to do that? Her mum? Why cant the DH remember? Its not as if he forgot to pay the milkman, I mean knowing that children need to have fairly regular meals is surely something you acknowledge, even if you are struggling with a penis and a lawnmower?

Post of the week Grin

Mm...

I'm trying to imagine my husband complaining that I can't change a tyre, level the floor and salvage 100 year old hardwood flooring, or build and plumb in a custom shower tray because I'm struggling with "a vagina and the oven."

What's the point in playing the comparison game? Split the chores such that you agree they are fair. And if you ask your partner to take over a chore for a few days or a week, let them get on with it and stop micromanaging.

Until there's an update from OP saying her poor children starved to death this afternoon, I'll continue to think she's being a torn-faced PITA.

LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour · 06/03/2021 18:48

@DavidsSchitt

It was 1pm - if the kids were starving they would've said.

Such drama. Especially the "hand cut chips" Hmm

Could've just made some hand-cut cheese on toast instead - would have been quicker than faffing about with fish fingers etc.
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