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Original poster

Do I have to give this to DS? Ex sending card.

118 replies

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:39

It’s my ds birthday soon and I received a card in the post a few weeks back from his father, I am really torn on giving it to him, his father is absent through choice and doesn’t want to see him. I really don’t want to give him the card but I have to don’t I?

OP posts:
GoryGilmore · 06/03/2021 10:41

Yeah, you do, sorry. It should be your DS choice whether or not the card is read or thrown away.

beelola · 06/03/2021 10:42

How old is DS?

Newfor2021 · 06/03/2021 10:42

It depends on the child’s age I think...... but no, you don’t have to!

Your DS feelings and well-being trump that of a man wanting to ease his conscience for being a crap father - so I’d do whatever you feel is best for ds.

Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 10:43

It's about your child not the parents feelings or the fact they are no longer a couple anymore , he may have been absent but he still making a effort albeit indirect contact... let's turn this around how would you feel if this was the other way around,!!

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:48

I wouldn’t be absent from my child’s life so wouldn’t be the other way round I’m afraid, I would never choose to walk away. Ds is 6 and no he doesn’t want to see him, he has said so.

OP posts:
beelola · 06/03/2021 10:50

@Ardvark111

It's about your child not the parents feelings or the fact they are no longer a couple anymore , he may have been absent but he still making a effort albeit indirect contact... let's turn this around how would you feel if this was the other way around,!!
It's about the child but not the parents feelings... How would you feel if it was the other way around!

Which one is it?

NotaCoolMum · 06/03/2021 10:50

My father was very absent when I was a child. He sent me a card with a cheque in for my 10th birthday. My mum and stepdad made a big deal of it and I felt guilty for being happy he’d sent the card. I tore up the cheque. Ever since then I knew not to even entertain the thought of bonding with my biological father as I felt too guilty. My opinion is that you should give DS the card. I know it’s hard and your ex is a dick for not wanting a relationship with DS BUT he may get his shit together in the future and reach out to DS when he is older. Trust me. You don’t want to be the parent that blocks any form of communication between a father and his DS. Your DS may wonder as he gets older why his Dad never even sent cards etc- would you really want to explain that he did and you just didn’t give them to him? I know you’re trying to protect him but it may not be the best thing for the long run. -( unless there is abuse involved from his Dad- then I wouldn’t give the card but I would put it aside so when DS is an adult and knows more about life etc, you can give it and explain )

beelola · 06/03/2021 10:51

At 6 years old I would say "This has come in the post for you, would you like to read it?". If not, put it to one side in case he gets curious.

Singlenotsingle · 06/03/2021 10:52

A card? Is that all? No present? What would be best for the ds? Would it upset him to get something from his df? Maybe just put the card away and give it to him when he's older

maddy68 · 06/03/2021 10:55

Give it to him. Along with lots of other cards so it's not a big deal

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:58

It would upset him hence not wanting to give it (he doesn’t like his dad)

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 11:00

@happycat1212. It's sad the child feels that way towards his father, yes the father should not have turned his back on his own child, and at 6 years old can he really make a sound decision on direct contact,? I don't need to tell you how fickle kids are, and more to the point this is only a card we are talking about at the moment. maybe the father is making small steps to reconnect with the child,!!

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 11:01

He feels that way because he knows his dad doesn’t want to see him, he is 6 and he is not stupid, he doesn’t want contact I’ve spoken to him recently and he doesn’t.

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 06/03/2021 11:02

Tell him a card arrived from his Dad - does he want it?
If no, lock it away somewhere.

Twizbe · 06/03/2021 11:03

Could you say that his dad has sent a card and that it's up to him if he wants to read it or not.

If not I'd still keep it in a safe place in case he wants it when he's older

Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 11:03

@beelola take your pick,??!!

mocktail · 06/03/2021 11:04

You should give it to him. I know someone who only found out as an adult that his mum didn't pass on cards from his dad. It really damaged his relationship with her.

Porcupineintherough · 06/03/2021 11:05

You dont have to gove it to him if a it would do is upset him. What message is he supposed to take from it? His dad is thinking of him - but not very much? At the very least wait til his birthday is over, no need to spoil that.

Porcupineintherough · 06/03/2021 11:09

You dont want to be the parent that blocks any firm of communication between a father and his ds

Disagree completely. Her job is to protect him and to nurture his self esteem. Not to teach him it's ok for his father to treat him this way. I hate it when mothers leave their children open to years of rejection by their deadbeat dads because "they dont want to be the one who stops them seeing each other ".

PurpleMustang · 06/03/2021 11:09

I think you need to. I think it is more important so that your son knows he can trust you, yeah I know he is 6 but even so, and he knows he can talk and be honest with you. I wouldn't leave it till his birthday though I would do it a few days before so it is done and dusted and forgotten about before his day.

M0rT · 06/03/2021 11:11

I'd bin it, my DH has never had contact with his biological father. Although he knows who he is and grew up in the same town as him.
Comparing my DH to people who had hit & miss contact with shit fathers he is much better off!
He grew up surrounded by a loving family and is secure in himself, just not interested in a stranger.
All of the little dismissals and hurts caused by contact with shit fathers for other people didn't happen for him, so he doesn't have memories of repeated rejection.
If you decide to get rid of it I would stop all talk of his father to or around him unless he brings it up and minimise any contact yourself as much as possible.

ThatsAllFolks · 06/03/2021 11:13

We used to get a card on birthdays and Christmas, no other contact. Went on for twenty years. I used to open the card when my child was younger and give it to my kid if it was age appropriate and not dumping loads of adult shit on him. I never gave it on his actual birthday tho so as not to put a downer on the day. I'd give it to him the day after, saying 'here is a card from X if you want to read it'. When he was a teenager I just handed it over unopened. He opened them eventually, usually. Sometimes he'd read out a particularly shitty 'poor me' message, mostly not. After years when someone only bothers with you by card twice a year they are totally irrelevant to u

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 11:14

Thank you that’s why he hates his dad, he has been constantly rejected by him, he’s had contact with his dad but his dad never lasts more than a few months in his life, ds can see that, he sees that his dad drops him after a few months and disappears again. He’s been out his life more than in (he went 3 years without seeing him) he feels rejected by him and I don’t really want to remind him only to be like but you’re not going to be seeing him though, feels unnecessary

OP posts:
Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 11:17

@mocktail excellent comment,!!! @happycat1212. This is a issue now for you. But just give the card, if child rips it up then fine you did your bit., you and the father still on paper have another 12 years to at least try to co parent

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 11:19

Co parent? He doesn’t want to 😕 are you missing the bit that says he has wanted no contact? He’s been 3 years without seeing him, he says now he doesn’t want contact, this isn’t him trying to open up contact, probably more about guilt tbh.

OP posts:
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