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Original poster

Do I have to give this to DS? Ex sending card.

118 replies

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:39

It’s my ds birthday soon and I received a card in the post a few weeks back from his father, I am really torn on giving it to him, his father is absent through choice and doesn’t want to see him. I really don’t want to give him the card but I have to don’t I?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 13:01

Oh and just to add once after not seeing him for a year his dad came back and asked for contact, saw him once yes ONCE then told me actually he doesn’t want to see him anymore. Tell me how that doesn’t affect a child.

OP posts:
WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 06/03/2021 13:04

If it was me I'd give it to him one night after school next week. He'll be busy with school, so less time to dwell on it.

Definitely not with other cards & most definitely not on his birthday.

But it doesn't sit right with me not to give it to him.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 06/03/2021 13:08

Of course it affects him. Poor little thing. It worse than never having seen him. Stupid, selfish wanker.

Maybe just say to DS that his father has sent him a card, does he want to see it, or not. If he says no, just keep it in a box, he might want to see them when he's older.

I'd absolutely open it first though. God only knows what he might have written.

peak2021 · 06/03/2021 13:12

I agree with opening the card first. I am torn as to whether you should give it to him. The thought that entered my head was whether doing this was about getting to you OP in a vicarious way, not out of wishing to re-open any relationship with your son.

RantyAnty · 06/03/2021 14:57

Open up the card and see if there is money or a gift card in it and give that to your son from you.

Then put the card in the bin.

Your DS doesn't need to be further triggered and traumatised by his sperm donor.

Keeping your son safe is the right thing to do.

LittlestBoho · 06/03/2021 15:15

Whaaatttt? I can't believe these responses.

Your DSs relationship with his father is not yours to give or take. Your DS is probably telling you that he doesn't want to see his dad because he knows that's what you want to hear. How does he even know his dad has 'rejected' him? Did you tell your 6 year old son this? That's no way to build his self esteem. Surely it would be kinder to say his dad lived far away but you're sure he still loves DS very much. Your ex might have changed and wants to build a relationship with his son, don't obstruct that.

The idea to save any cards until your DS is 18 would definitely backfire. Your DS would grow up thinking his dad never bothered, then , here are 12 years worth of cards I didn't pass on to you and let you live a lie.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:20

Did you miss the bit that says I’ve spoken to him recently and he says he doesn’t want to see him and isn’t sending it for that reason? He’s still saying he wants no direct contact, my son knew he rejected him because he saw him once then didn’t see him again, do you think my son is blind?? And didn’t wonder what happened, no I’m not going to pretend his dad lives far away, I won’t be covering for him. I told him he doesn’t want to be a dad. When he asked to see my son again I told my son his dad would like contact again and he said he doesn’t want to see him (that was last year)

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:22

He text me recently saying he loves him, I said if you love him then why don’t you want to see him, he read it and didn’t respond. He’s not sending the card to open up contact again. He’s told me that himself. It’s guilt pure and simple. How can you love a kid but not
Want to see them?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 06/03/2021 15:25

Yes, you should give it to him.

Soontobe60 · 06/03/2021 15:27

You told your 6 year old son his father doesn’t want to be a dad? That’s brutal! It may be true, but how do you think it makes your ds feel?

HollowTalk · 06/03/2021 15:29

I wouldn't give him the card. It would only upset him. I certainly wouldn't give it to him at any time near or on his birthday.

Your ex has a bloody nerve, thinking he can behave like that to his own child. I think I'd read the card and send a message to him saying that you've no intention of giving him the card until he's an adult, that your son has really suffered by his dad's behaviour and that he doesn't want to have any reminder of him.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:30

So you think it’s better to lie to him and pretend he works away or lives far away? Yes I told him the truth, that he doesn’t want to be a father. I’m actually surprised people think I should lie and pretend he is working! I’ve always been told to tell children the truth in an age appropriate way so I didn’t say your dad is just a dead beat he doesn’t want to see you. I said he doesn’t want to be a dad, do people really think pretending he is working away is better 🤨 why would I cover for my ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:31

HollowTalk thank you, can’t believe people are sympathises with someone he has chosen not to see their own child.

OP posts:
ShesMadeATwatOfMePam · 06/03/2021 15:33

I think you should open it and read it to make sure there's nothing inappropriate, then give your son the choice of whether he wants to read it or not.

LittlestBoho · 06/03/2021 15:37

I told him he doesn’t want to be a dad. Shock

You told your small child this? That is so damaging. Children internalise messages like this. You might think you told your DS something about his dad, but your DS will have understood it as his dad has rejected HIM.

You are clearly bitter, but it would be better for your DS if you could be diplomatic and kind on the subject of his father, to leave the door open for them having a relationship in the future. You're not 'covering for' your ex. It's not about petty point scoring between the adults. It's hurtful to your DS to tell him his dad doesn't want him.

Kgrzghtechh · 06/03/2021 15:38

I fail to see how it is in the child's best interests to be given that card. He's already been hurt and damaged enough.

Kgrzghtechh · 06/03/2021 15:43

It's hurtful to your DS to tell him his dad doesn't want him.

She said he doesn't want to be a dad. You are misquoting.

How else is she supposed to explain his dad's refusal to see him, picking him up and dropping him? If she had lied as you suggested the child would have blamed himself. At least this way he's clearly been told it's not about him and not his fault.

Making excuses for parental mistreatment teaches kids that treating others badly is ok and leaves them to formulate their own explanation of it being their own fault. That's what the "diplomatic and kind" bullshit approach achieves.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:44

So I should have lied and said he was working away? Well I won’t ever do that.

To tell you a little story of what happened to a friend... a friend had a child whose dad never saw them, she always covered for him, made excuses, dad works away, dads sick etc when the son got to a teen dad came back, dad turned son against his mum, claimed he was stopped (absolutely not true) claimed he desperately wanted to see him but mum wouldn’t let it, well son believe everything the dad said because the mum was never honest. The only one damaging my son is his absent father.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 15:45

Yes and I didn’t say dad doesn’t want to see you I said he doesn’t want to be a father; that’s very different, lots of people don’t want to be parents, I never said it was because of him he doesn’t want to see him.

OP posts:
Sisterlove · 06/03/2021 15:57

Given that his dad disappears and is unreliable, I wouldn't give him the card. It's upsetting for your son and there's no reason to upset him.

No decent father decides not to have contact and a relationship with his child.

What's the point of him.

frazzledasarock · 06/03/2021 17:31

Hundred percent in support of telling your DC the truth in an age appropriate manner. Otherwise you make yourself vulnerable to being painted the ogre by the absent parent whom you’ve put on a pedestal for you’re child.

Always tell the truth to your child.

And yes it’s shocking this man does not want to be a parent having fathered a child.

My DC asked for a good dad too. They adore DH. Really heartbreakingly when I had my younger DC my older ones told me how sad they felt that their dad hadn’t loved them like DH did our baby.

My DC have grown up to be amazing young people. And I would not have the close loving relationship with them I do have had I lied to them. If I had lied to them I’d have left them open to the possibility of being manipulated by their father in the future who would take any opportunity to paint himself a saint regardless of the psychological damage to my DC.

Kids aren’t stupid, you tell your dc his dad is a loving fantastic dad and just away, it’s going to raise more questions and prolong the pain of not having him in his life.

Awalkinthepark1 · 06/03/2021 17:37

Please let him have his card.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 17:38

Thank you for the support, I was honestly a bit shocked to be jumped on like that for telling my son the truth, never will I lie or cover for his father, that’s exactly what happened to my friend, she was never honest and when the dad came back the dad said well I did want to see you, your mum wouldn’t let me. The child believed him having never been told the truth and now lives with his dad and thinks his mum is a liar who kept his dad away, he would rather believe that than simply believe his dad just wasn’t bothered, she’s heart broken. I always promised myself I would be honesty and not lie for him. I’ve always made it clear it’s on him and he doesn’t want to be a dad because he isn’t able to, nothing to do with my son.

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cracracatlady · 06/03/2021 17:48

Why don’t you tell Ds the day after his birthday, then let him decide. That way it wontt ruin his birthday

MaLarkinn · 06/03/2021 18:06

Is he taking your lead op. I'd give it to him. My children haven't seen their father since 2014 but I still pass on cards.