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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Do I have to give this to DS? Ex sending card.

118 replies

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:39

It’s my ds birthday soon and I received a card in the post a few weeks back from his father, I am really torn on giving it to him, his father is absent through choice and doesn’t want to see him. I really don’t want to give him the card but I have to don’t I?

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 18:16

Nope, I’ve begged my ex to be involved but he won’t. Nothing to do with me. If you don’t think a child can dislike their father who doesn’t bother with them then well I don’t know what to say. I literally never mention his father to him. We don’t speak about him. Still on the fence, it seems mixed responses on whether to give it.

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 06/03/2021 18:18

If I was your son I would be chuffed to have a card, physical proof that he had thought about him on his birthday is something I would have given a lot for as a child and would've wanted to keep for a long time.

I also would've lied though my teeth to my mother if she'd asked me if I wanted contact or a card and said no because I knew it was what she wanted me to say.

My Dad was a crap man and she was always honest about that and the he isn't able to be a father type thing. Frankly it doesn't make much difference to the crushing sense of rejection and shame that you grow up with. I still would've given a kidney for irregular contact/cards etc if I knew it wouldn't upset her.

I've always hated birthdays and Xmas, but never explained to my mother it was because I was waiting for a card that would never come because I was too ashamed and didn't want to upset her. I used to steal the post when older to have a look in case they were hidden from me.

I agree maybe check the card isn't inappropriate and give it before/after birthdays.

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 18:45

I can assure you he is not saying it because of me, I never speak about his dad, I never bad mouth him, I don’t mention him. When I explained why he doesn’t see him was a long time ago when asked, I haven’t mentioned him since. I don’t try to poison him against him, I gave him facts about why his dad doesn’t see him. When he was seeing his dad he never wanted to go with him, he would only take him to the park (he’s never been to his house) he didn’t want to go because he only saw him once/twice a month and it was like going with a stranger as there was no bond there. I suggested calls in between to establish a bond so my son feels comfortable with going but he didn’t want to (he called once and then never called again) I’ve done nothing but encourage a relationship but I can’t force it.

OP posts:
LittlestBoho · 06/03/2021 18:45

When I would come back from a rare visit to my dad's I was always very careful not to say what a good time I'd had, because my mum would get pissy. Sometime overtly ("well he left you and I do everything, where's my medal?") And sometimes just silent treatment and passive aggressive eyerolling. My parents hated each other, they still do, but my childhood would have been a lot more peaceful and nice if my mum had been encouraging about my dad instead of dragging her own bitterness into it. My relationship with him was not about her.

Kids know when there are subjects that they shouldn't talk about. Your DS might be curious about his dad but too scared to ask because he's worried it'll upset you. He's only 6, he's probably just toeing the party line that he doesn't want to see his dad.

Theunamedcat · 06/03/2021 18:47

Don't upset him on his birthday speak to him later in the week about it

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 18:48

Ugh once again I do not bad mouth his dad, slag him off or give my son silent treatment. Why are people trying to turn this on me? He has TOLD me he doesn’t want to see him! I don’t want to confuse my son by handing him a card and then when he asks is dad going to see him say “no”

OP posts:
Chanandlerbong01 · 06/03/2021 18:49

OP it is your child that only you know. Well done for bringing him up with no support. Your son isn’t missing out because his Dad is a waste of oxygen, the Dad is the one missing out. Don’t waste time defending your choices to critics, you are doing the best for your son.

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 18:50

He literally text me a few days ago saying he loves him, I said why don’t you want to see him then, he didn’t respond! Sends him a card but doesn’t want to see him? I mean come on see your child don’t send a card once a year like that makes up for your absence.

OP posts:
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 18:51

Chanandlerbong01
Thank you. Obviously a lot of absent father supporters on here.

OP posts:
ivfbeenbusy · 06/03/2021 18:53

What is the background with his father? Were you in a relationship when you got pregnant? Did he express a wish to be a father when you got pregnant or was he an accident/surprise/unplanned? The background is important as would effect how I would deal with this and how much of the truth to tell your child?

Chanandlerbong01 · 06/03/2021 18:55

He sent a card so he knows where his son is, he chose to not bring the card himself. You shouldn’t have to lie for him! I would tell your son about the card and give him the option of opening it or keeping it somewhere safe in his room - so then he feels he can open it if he wants and can do it privately if he prefers, or he can just bin it.

Theunamedcat · 06/03/2021 18:56

@Happycat1212

I can assure you he is not saying it because of me, I never speak about his dad, I never bad mouth him, I don’t mention him. When I explained why he doesn’t see him was a long time ago when asked, I haven’t mentioned him since. I don’t try to poison him against him, I gave him facts about why his dad doesn’t see him. When he was seeing his dad he never wanted to go with him, he would only take him to the park (he’s never been to his house) he didn’t want to go because he only saw him once/twice a month and it was like going with a stranger as there was no bond there. I suggested calls in between to establish a bond so my son feels comfortable with going but he didn’t want to (he called once and then never called again) I’ve done nothing but encourage a relationship but I can’t force it.
Been there got the tshirt it will never be enough people will still accuse you of alienation my ex dumped his daughter when he had a new baby on the way with his wife years later he asked to see her I spoke to her she said no firmly so I asked him to send her cards phone her get to know her a bit he told his wife I said fuck off he is never seeing her again I repeated again that he needed to try sending her a card phoning her get to know her we had one phone call he told her he was sending her a Christmas present never arrived never got another call three years later I moved house and changed my number we never heard from him again until dd was 15 when his wife sent dd some abusive messages on Facebook dd is 21 and shows no interest in them
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 19:01

We were in a relationship yes, we also have other children but he is the same with them.

He didn’t even write the card himself, it is from moonpig. He just went online and ordered a card. Sorry but I can’t get excited about that that he “remembered” his sons birthday. What about the rest of the year.

OP posts:
DuzzyFuck · 06/03/2021 19:04

My Dad was absent, and as Adults we don't have any relationship (my choice) but I'd be furious if I found my Mum had hidden correspondence from him when I was small. It's not her choice to make.

I would tell him it's been sent and let him choose whether he opens it or bins it. If he doesn't like his Dad he may well do the latter.

BraveGoldie · 06/03/2021 19:10

OP you should check the card contents to make sure it is not making false promises or telling lies. You should then tell your son there is a card if he wants it. If he doesn't, keep it for later.

To kids who have neglectful/ absent parents even a little is a comfort. They can tell themselves 'well dad is maybe screwed up or crappy in some ways, but at least he was thinking of me sometimes'. That's way better than 'I was totally irrelevant to him, like I didn't exist'. On top of that, if you DO block contact with him you are making yourself much more vulnerable to your nightmare scenario of dad turning up some time and saying he tried but you stopped him.

You talk about your DS being old enough to have decided he doesn't like his dad on his own. Then he is definitely old enough to decide to read or not read a card.

As I say, even if he decides not to you should keep the card. Very often kids decide later they want to know about the absent parent and they have questions...... you have no right to destroy the answers for him.

And yes telling kids age appropriate truths is fine, but there are many forms of truth. "He doesn't want to be a father" is extremely close in a kids mind to "he doesn't want YOU". You are situating the problem in the relationship rather than in the man, which makes it very easy for the child to blame themselves.

Also, you are willing to cover up the truth by not giving him the card! So seems like you are selective about this truth principle?

If you were consistently concerned with what's best for the child, seems like you would either advocate for truth (even if it hurts) or lying (to save his feelings) both times.... but seems like you are more motivated by not wanting to allow something that makes his dad look a bit better with the card, while insisting on honesty for things that reveal his dad as bad.

Ozziewoz · 06/03/2021 19:19

Kids are tougher than we often give them credit for. If your son has decided rationally that he does not want a relationship with his Dad, then trust your son to decide what to do with the card. It's important that you don't hide anything from him. As long as you are cure the card will be appropriate, ie no distressing message, or manipulation etc, then just give your son it. Your son will be grateful when he's older.

CarelessSquid07A · 06/03/2021 20:52

I'm not accusing you of alienation I'm simply saying that your son may not be comfortable talking about his Dad with you. The feelings he has about it will be very private to him and if you never talk about his Dad which you have said then he will likely have picked up its not a topic to bring up.

Give him the card and if he doesn't want it then keep it for him for when he's older. He may never want it but then you can't be accused of anything and its less likely to cause problems if it ever came up.

Kids tend to fantasise about their absent parent a kind of grass might be greener type thing especially at teen ages so the more reality they have the better in terms on being realistic about building relationships later.

harknesswitch · 06/03/2021 21:10

My youngest dd is adopted and part of the process is that we exchange letters once a year with her birth parents. She knows this, we read them together them put them in a book which she can read whenever she wants. Along with photos and anything else related to her bp.

You can sit down and explain to your dc that her dad has chosen not to see her, but must think about her as he has sent her a card for her birthday. There's nothing to be gained with slagging him off to her. Be honest, but don't sugar coat it.

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 21:16

I find it hard to be positive about a
Man that chooses not to see his children tbh, I don’t slag him off but equally I don’t mention him, but neither do they but I have nothing nice or positive to say about him.

OP posts:
CarelessSquid07A · 06/03/2021 21:50

@Happycat1212

I find it hard to be positive about a Man that chooses not to see his children tbh, I don’t slag him off but equally I don’t mention him, but neither do they but I have nothing nice or positive to say about him.
And that's exactly why they probably don't talk about him.

You've had kids with him, surely there must have been things you liked about him at one point?

Even little things like oh your Dad and I used to like that song, or you and your Dad have the same smile and thats something I really loved about him.

Those things can help your children realise there's no shame in being related to someone you don't like anymore, its very easy to assume that if you hate their Dad then you hate part of them too.

Its all settles into their internal thoughts, and can effect self confidence and self worth much later in life.

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 22:03

Well I doubt many people that have an absent ex speak positively about them, no there wasn’t much positive and he was abusive (DV) so I find even his name makes my skin crawl!

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 06/03/2021 22:43

I have nothing positive to say about ex either.

I don’t mention him, if my children want to talk about him they know they can and I’m always factual about anything about him.

Recently I heard my mid teen DC talking about him laughing with her friends. They’ve christened him the sperm donor and DC found it funny.

DC’s friends are really supportive and positive about DC’s relationship with DH and they have in the past validated DC’s feelings about her father.

I think that’s helpfully to her

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 22:45

That’s how I feel, if they want to speak about him I would answer questions but I won’t bring him up, he might as well be dead for all I care.

OP posts:
CoronaIsShit · 06/03/2021 22:54

Keep the card and give it (any any others) to him when he’s 16.

I wouldn’t give it up him on his birthday. He may get upset and why give his deadbeat dad the chance to do that on what should be a happy day for him.

SandyY2K · 06/03/2021 23:35

Even little things like oh your Dad and I used to like that song, or you and your Dad have the same smile and thats something I really loved about him.

There's no point in this...it would be fine if he was dead, but talking like this will just lead kids to ask where is dad...I want to see him.

These are just reminders of his absence and decision not to have contact with his children.

If the kids ask a question about dad it's fine to respond, but no need to bring his name up.

I can't believe the number of people trying to put a positive spin on a father who hasn't seen his child in 3 years. I'd be ashamed if this was my son.

OP I'm not sure if you posted before about your Ex who didn't want contact with the kids, but texted...I think every week to ask how they are and didn't want to speak to them.

It may have been another poster...but she was very irritated and didn't want to reply and I could see her point. Men like this are just useless as fathers.

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