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Original poster

Do I have to give this to DS? Ex sending card.

118 replies

Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 10:39

It’s my ds birthday soon and I received a card in the post a few weeks back from his father, I am really torn on giving it to him, his father is absent through choice and doesn’t want to see him. I really don’t want to give him the card but I have to don’t I?

OP posts:
IHaveBackPain · 06/03/2021 11:22

My son has never had contact with his biological father.

But we are no contact with my mother (for child protection reasons; SS were involved briefly) She sent cards until last year. I told my children cards had been sent but gave them the choice as to whether they received them or not. They always opened and read them and then threw them away. It was a good idea because she accidentally bumped into the eldest one day and approached him to tell she sent cards. She was trying to cause trouble between him and me but the fact he knew meant he could see what she was doing.

My youngest was 6 when we went no contact.

In your shoes, I would go with the suggestion that he'd sent a card but it was up to my son whether he read it or not.

Don't give it to him amongst other cards - it's too emotionally loaded for that. Id either give it to him a few days before his birthday or after it so it doesn't cloud the day.

titchy · 06/03/2021 11:22

I'd bin it given the circumstances. Nothing to be gained from giving it to him. If you're in contact with your ex tell him you've thrown it away and not to send any in the future because it upsets ds.

Ostryga · 06/03/2021 11:27

I’d definitely bin it. It won’t do any good at all, more likely to cause your son more hurt.

Men can be pricks. You sound like a great mum, your son is lucky to have you.

HighlandCowbag · 06/03/2021 11:27

My dd is older at 16. She went NC with het father when she was 11/12, her own choice. Last year the day before her 16th birthday a letter turned up from her dad. I offered to read it first but she didn't want me to, it wasn't a very nice letter but it was her choice.

At 6 I'd just say 'oh your dad sent a card, I misread it and opened it, do you want to read it?'. At 6 he's too young to process anything nasty really so I would open it first. Had dd been younger I would have absolutely opened it first.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 06/03/2021 11:30

Personally I only got 2 cards from my real father- my mum went no contact for decades and I was brought up in a loving family with grandparents and no rejection issues.

We literally never even mentioned the word "father" for 28 years!! Weird but they were protecting me I think.

Its great the decision has been made by your son. He has had enough. He doesn't need to know how rubbish his father is again. Keep the cards for when he's 18 to read and by then hopefully the father will grow up and get his priorities right.

Tbh having found mine he was still a selfish and self-cemented individual whose other 3 kids had been "turned against him" through no fault of his own!! Told me to keep smiling and be kind. He should have said that to himself!!

Some people never learn and although its a phase you go through as an adult to find out your blood relatives - ultimately he will realize how lovely is the mum who looked after him every day and stood by him.

You are an absolute star 🎖🏅🎖. Good luck x

Justajot · 06/03/2021 11:30

I think you need to check the card before you give it to him. I'd be wary of your DS opening something if you don't know what it says.

Not sure about your actual question though.

Cismyfatarse · 06/03/2021 11:32

Keep it. In a box. With anything else he gets over the years and give it to him when he is older.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 06/03/2021 11:33

@Justajot

I think you need to check the card before you give it to him. I'd be wary of your DS opening something if you don't know what it says.

Not sure about your actual question though.

Yes def read it first in case it says something like I'm dying, I'm sorry, poor me etc
Ardvark111 · 06/03/2021 11:34

@happycat1212. Yes I saw that bit. I'll sign off from this now, but all I'll now say is in ref to child -father indirect / direct contact and to reconnect is * it's never to late to rebuild bridge's

FreddyTheFlute · 06/03/2021 11:36

Its a card. It isnt like the father is making any real effort. Id ipen it, read what it says, make sure it is not full of bullshit, then make a decision on keeping it for him when he is older or binning it.
I certainly would not be giving the child a card from his absent piss poor father on his birthday which may ruin his day.

Sending the card when he chose not to see the child is a way to alleviate his guilt. It isnt for the child’s benefit at all.

CantBeAssed · 06/03/2021 12:02

Im in same situation....put it away in a box for ds and give it to him when he is old enough to understand.....card/presents from absent parents are just sent to wase guilt and play mind games with child...if they cant provide support on a weekly basis birthday/christmas presents are meaningless...

DinosaurDiana · 06/03/2021 12:03

Yes you do.
It’s up to your child what they do with the card though.

CornishTiger · 06/03/2021 12:06

@PurpleMustang

I think you need to. I think it is more important so that your son knows he can trust you, yeah I know he is 6 but even so, and he knows he can talk and be honest with you. I wouldn't leave it till his birthday though I would do it a few days before so it is done and dusted and forgotten about before his day.
This!
CornishTiger · 06/03/2021 12:07

And Yes to checking if first

2bazookas · 06/03/2021 12:22

Of course you do.

It doesn't matter that ex is a louse and you hate him for what he's done to DC
What matters is that your child gets a card from his dad, knows that Dad is thinking of him and this boosts his self esteem.

You might find it triggers an opportunity to assure DC "Dad didn't leave because of you. He will be your dad forever, even if you don't see each other".

Chanandlerbong01 · 06/03/2021 12:28

I don’t think bin it but don’t give it to him directly. Maybe say I’ve got a card from your Dad in a box upstairs, would you like to open it now, save it for another time or get rid of it? Do it casually so it’s not a big deal and he doesn’t feel pressured towards any option.

frazzledasarock · 06/03/2021 12:39

My dc would get sporadic cards from ex. The cards would inevitably be filled with Information designed to hurt me/gloat.

I wish I’d read the cards before handing them over to my DC.

Open the card read it, casually give him the card with a load of others he’s received. Here are your cards, grandma, your best friend, uncle and one from your dad.

Sometimes it is too late to build bridges. My older DC want nothing to do with their father. They don’t have any good memories of him and don’t want that in their lives.

NotaCoolMum · 06/03/2021 12:46

@Happycat1212 why did you even ask the question in the first place as you’re only justifying your reasons for not giving it to him to everyone who is saying they think you should give it to him. It’s obviously up to you but I wonder if you’re just looking for confirmation you’re doing the right thing?

NotaCoolMum · 06/03/2021 12:48

Also- you say your 6 year old doesn’t want anything to do with him- I do hope that when the time comes (and it will) that they may want to reconnect in the (near or far) future, that you will be fully supportive.

Plumedenom · 06/03/2021 12:50

You should definitely give it to him with a bunch of other cards and not make a big song and dance of it. Even if it upsets him it's better to let it come and go because this is probably going to happen every year and it's his dad's way of reaching out, however shitty.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 12:51

He won’t be having contact with him again until my son is an adult. And no he won’t necessarily want contact so you can’t say that, my older brother (different dad) never met his dad, his dad came to see him just before he died and he refused to see him so no you don’t know that he will want contact. I won’t be letting ex back in again to miss around with him. My son can decide on his own contact when he is old enough.

OP posts:
Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 12:52

Even if it upsets him it's better to let it come and go because this is probably going to happen every year and it's his dad's way of reaching out, however shitty.

This is the first year he’s ever sent anything and he has been absent most of his life so I’m not sure he will be sending something every year. We are moving soon anyway.

OP posts:
Plumedenom · 06/03/2021 12:54

I think what you said is fair enough. I'm not saying it for his relationship with his dad, I'm saying it for your relationship with your son. There is a fine line between protecting him and lying to him. I would also open it to check it just says happy birthday, and if it is harmless, give him it. Anything else is a deception that is waiting to bite you in the bum in the future.

stout01 · 06/03/2021 12:56

In surprised a six year old has a clear idea of not wanting to see his Dad. Give him the card.

Original poster
Happycat1212 · 06/03/2021 13:00

He says he doesn’t like his dad and has asked if he can get a new dad, he sees friends at school with dads etc and family so yes he does notice. He’s dad has repeatedly rejected him, he sees him for a few months then disappears for years at a time. You don’t think a 6 year old can be affected by that 🤔

OP posts: