Do I have to give this to DS? Ex sending card.

[Happycat1212]

It’s my ds birthday soon and I received a card in the post a few weeks back from his father, I am really torn on giving it to him, his father is absent through choice and doesn’t want to see him. I really don’t want to give him the card but I have to don’t I?

Yes that was me. He basically went three years without seeing them, asked to see them again summer just gone, against my better judgement I let him see them, he seen them for about 4 months before he just stopped again, no explanation, he’s made up every excuse since not to see them. But has remained in contact with me via text and will “check in” occasionally asking how they are but doesn’t want to see them. That’s when he last text saying he loves them, I said if you love them then why don’t you want to see them. No response. I mean how am I meant to speak positively about this man? I can’t stand him, and I agree it isn’t helpful to them for me to randomly bring him up, also the lies about working away etc I don’t get as I have older children, how long can that wash for? It will be so why can’t we visit him? why can’t we call him? why doesn’t he call us etc it will just be even more lies to explain it. The last time he disappeared 3 years ago he told me to never contact him again, he said only contact him if it’s an emergency, he said he takes no responsibility for them and never will, and said they are my responsibility and he will never be a dad. Didn’t hear from him again for 3 years, not sure how I was suppose to speak good about him in that time?

You've brought your DS up with honesty. Told him the truth about his DF's absence. He knows he can rely on you. You will always be on his side. He trusts you.

So, I think that on balance you should tell him a card has come from his DF. Ask him if he'd like to see it (after you've first opened it to check it out). Or if he'd prefer you kept it somewhere safe.

I really wouldn't risk him finding out somehow that a card was sent that he never knew about. He'd start to doubt your honesty and wonder what other secrets you held from him.

Incidentally, my DM wasn't around when I was growing up. She was never spoken of. Not because I didn't want to know about her, but because I knew the subject was taboo. I just knew that I shouldn't talk about her because It would have upset my DF. But I wanted to.

You have been honest with him so far so I'd open it to check and say to DS day before birthday "your dad sent a card do you want it tomorrow?" If he says yes just give it with other cards and don't say anything (unless he wants to)
He has already been rejected by this idiot but perhaps if he grows up thinking he never remembered his birthday either that could be worse. He may actually cling on to these gestures which we know as adults are token and shitty.

I'm in a similar position- I didn't hand it over and I've kept it. I knew it would upset my son and that it would get his hopes up.

His dad isn't allowed anywhere near us, but he still chose to come over the evening before his birthday and kept banging on the door and kicking off despite all of this.

On one hand, I've had to explain to my son that his dad is a risk and he needs to never approach him and to tell an adult straight away (kidnapping risk).

On the other hand, I'm somehow supposed to pretend his dad is not an arsehole and that all that's happened is just a great big mistake....

I was reading a thread on here about adoption and letterbox contact and was surprised to learn how very limited the birth parent was in what they could write and how often. Then some adoptive parents explained how disruptive even indirect contact can be to their child. Of course I know it’s a slightly different situation for your son but I think it’s probably likely to be disruptive for him too.

@happycat1212 I'm back and after reading all your posts he does seem like a waste of time,!! And was suprised to read he same with other kids I just thought you just had the 1. DS between you.. he clearly sounds like he don't deserve the title of father but the children only have 1 father and there will come a time when he is a lonely man and he will reflect on his absences and times / years lost he can never get back from his children's lives,!! Speaking as a father myself and Against your better judgement do try to keep the door ajar for him in kids formative years... when kids hit teenage years they usually reject absent parent anyway

My mother withheld cards from my dad when I was younger, who I didn't see. I was distraught when I was older and found out that she had done that.

Put it this way, if your son ever asks "Did Dad ever try to contact me and you stopped it?" what do you want to be able to say?

In terms of talking about him actions speak louder than words. OP could sit the kids down for 20minutes a day and gush about him but if he isn’t there showing that amazing side then they will know it’s not true.

Thanks for the opinions, bringing up their dad isn’t helpful, it’s a sore subject and being reminded of his absence certainly doesn’t help my children. It takes a lot for them to get over him when he disappears and I don’t want to constantly bring him up, It’s just a reminder. I’ve given it a lot of thought and I’ve decided I won’t be giving it to him. He still never responded to my message, if the card was him reaching out for contact then I would feel different but he’s made it clear that it isn’t and I don’t see them point in it otherwise.

The last time he disappeared 3 years ago he told me to never contact him again, he said only contact him if it’s an emergency, he said he takes no responsibility for them and never will, and said they are my responsibility and he will never be a dad.

Does he suffer from MH issues at all?

There are a few dads who aren't great, but this is a whole other level.

Was he any better when you were together? Does he have a job at all?

Do your DC have contact with his side of the family?

It's so sad that he's just buggered off and doesn't care.

Put it this way, if your son ever asks "Did Dad ever try to contact me and you stopped it?" what do you want to be able to say?

He hasn't tried to contact her son though. He's made it clear he doesn't want to have contact and even if he wanted sporadic contact and was unreliable, disappointing the DC, that is not in the DCs best interests.

It actually causes more harm and distress.

No sadly not, he has no family. I feel very sad for them that they know nothing of the other side of them. He’s parents passed away before I met him and although he has a sister (I don’t believe they are close) she has never shown any interest she’s seen them a handful of time and has not remained in contact since we split, when he was having contact with them he has never taken them so since we’ve split she hasn’t seen them. And yes he suffers from mental health issues but every time he has come back he claims to be “better” but can never last more than a few months seeing them. But I don’t feel his mental health issues are an excuse or good enough reason as plenty of parents suffer from mental health issues. He doesn’t work due to them.

What a shame.

I'm obviously not making excuses for him, but his parents passing away before you met and his whole family situation, his upbringing etc will be a major factor in this.

There are so many mental health issues and they affect people differently, so while it's no excuse on the face of it...it clearly affects him to the point he can't work or maintain a meaningful relationship with his kids.

It sounds like he leads a very lonely, non descript and doesn't think he has anything to offer his kids. He can't even communicate with them. Very sad indeed....but he doesn't add any value to their lives, so I totally don't see the point of passing on the card.

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I can't believe some replies you got. You did absolutely the right thing bt being honest with your child. Pretending their father loves them when he does not is just setting them up for an awful disappointment, and the lie would potentially damage your relationship.
Re the card, personally I'd be tempted to at least mention it so your child isn't caught unaware if it is mentioned. But you could read it first so you can prepare them (for instance "your father sent a card but it doesn't say much, do you want to read it ?")
Even though it may upset your child, at least this way he can deal with his emotions and disappointment, with your help. I'd be concerned that he may find out about it later and be upset that you did not tell him.

That said it's your son and you seem to have managed brilliantly so far, so if your guts says no to showing the card, go with that.

Fair comments @sandyy2k. We are all on the outside looking in on this... So some advice is hit n miss,, so to speak. He may very well be personally at rock bottom and God forbid see suicide as a release. Then he truly will be out of his kids lives, its very sad . When in reality it really does not have to be this way,, theres a saying, * where there's a will there's a way,!! But from what iv read he not interested / showing willing,, i never saw my child for a period of time and it broke me, but all good now..

Marty13 thank you, I was very surprised by some of the comments Saying it was me damaging my child; well no it’s his absent father who is damaging him, he’s been in and out their life constantly, they can see he just isn’t bothered with them, they’ve asked him why they haven’t been to his house and why he won’t take them to school (he blames me for that) apparently he would take them but he needs to stay over

The thing is because he is my ex I really struggle to have any sympathy for him. His mental health doesn’t seem to be a problem when he is meeting women, it’s only when it comes to his children. I’ve tried my best to facilitate contact, I’ve even allowed him in my house to have contact (that’s the only way he would see them) he wouldn’t take them he would only travel down here once or twice a month to see them, but I didn’t want to have him in my house, I allowed it for a few months so he could build up a relationship, they didn’t want to go with him as they saw him as a stranger, but as soon as the time came to have them himself that’s when he backs away and goes again. I struggle to really understand his reasons as there are plenty of people with mental illnesses or parents have died (he was an adult when they died not child) who manage to have a relationship with their children.