Please can anyone help me 😪

[NikNut]

I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x

This is so difficult for you.

Look at your post again, though, as if a caring friend was reading it. This man's back story (with his spin on it, even) tells you so much more about the kind if man this is than his romantic utterances. He's not reliable.

I'm so sorry for you. What an awful situation and what a cruel, cruel person to do this to you and his son.

I really don't think I can say anything to make you feel the tiniest better but from what I've read I can see that you're an incredibly strong, kind, dignified person and you will get through this.

The man you first met isn't coming back. He never really existed. It was a sick act from a mentally ill person. I'm not sure if it's the right thing to suggest but if I were you I'd try and reframe the hurt you feel in to anger. I guess it's the stages of grief and hopefully at some point soon you'll be able to move on to acceptance.

Having a new baby is incredibly hard but hopefully you've got some good support from your mum. Please do everything you can to look after yourself and remember to give yourself a break. This situation is in no way your fault xx

Oh NikNut, what an amazing lady you are. You won’t feel like it right now but you are incredibly strong. You’ve been a single mum to 3 kids with a good job for years. You had to give birth without him. You’ve been treated like absolute crap by this piece of work and you are surviving. That’s all you need to do for now.

I’m guessing you’re blaming yourself for being in this position with a new baby ? For believing in him ? Please please don’t, this is 100% on him. He has to be a special kind of cruel arsehole to treat someone carrying his child like this. It’s very easy with hindsight to see some signs might have been there and that he wasn’t all he said he was, but you were in love and happy. There’s probably not a person on earth who hasn’t done that.

I’m so glad you are getting support from perinatal MH. But it’s such early days for you and with a newborn to care for. Each day is a victory for you, just for getting on with it, when your heart has been smashed. I’ve been through a marriage breakup which nearly ended me and I didn’t have a baby and all the hormones to contend with.

But you’re doing it, how bloody strong are you ! I don’t have much useful advice I’m sorry. It’s going to be tough and it will take time to readjust to your new circumstances. Just be so kind to yourself, allow yourself to feel shit, and know it will get better eventually.

Someone this cowardly probably isn’t ever going to change so if you can just exclude him from the equation. It sounds trite but it’s totally his loss.
Your baby is very lucky to have such a lovely mum. You’ve got this !! Just take it a day at a time. 💐

Oh gosh that’s terrible for you. I’m sorry -
I really can hear your pain but you need to go one minute at a time here.
He fooled you - he’s a manipulating liar and actually sounds sick.
To ask women to have a baby and then abandoned them is sick.
It’s irrelavant in a way but seeing a child in a contact centre could have been due to his past history of abuse.
The baby is innocent in all this.
You need to invest what you can in the baby and let the shit go.
You need to block him and seek some counselling.
You’ve done an amazing job being a parent to your other three children -
Don’t let this shit of a man ruin your life.
Have you got an family you can lean on or friends.
Can you see your GP as you are very vulnerable and distressed.
Please make contact with your midwife/health visitor. You will be prone to post natal depression and our views can become distorted.
Keep posting 💐

Sorry for your hurt, try to find a positive out of a negative you have unconditional
Love from your children,!! Re this man forget him he will reflect on his actions 1 day by which time you would have moved on and found happiness again in meantime just take each day as it comes x

You never knew this man. You met him and rushed into it headfirst and got pregnant after a few months despite knowing he had 2 children he didn't see, involving court cases and contact centres.

I don't see how you can even start to move on from this until you accept your part in creating such a mess, and perhaps seek counselling to help you understand why you did so, which will help you going forward.
For now, forget about him, you barely knew him anyway, and focus on your children. You new baby will be fine, his needs are small at this point, it's your older children that will be suffering at this point. Focus on them.

Listen, this might be hard for you to believe but he is exactly the same kind of monster as your abusive ex. He doesnt have empathy.

You really dont want him in your life again. He has done you a favour by fucking off early before his dark side came out in other ways. And the further he stays from you and baba, the better.

If you look back, the signs were there. He love bombed you and future faked you and rushed you to get preggers.

Unfortunately it is common for women who have had abusive partners to jump into relationships with men that they think are 'completely different' because in the beginning they are affectionate and complimentary ect..and that is the opposite of what the ex was in the end. But the thing is, it doesnt mean they arent the same thing, dressed up in shiny wrapping. And if you look close enough when you know the signs, you can see this before the wrapping comes off.

Take time to enjoy your baby and use the next few years to read up on how to spot manipulators and narcissists before you date again.

Be thankful this one at least leaves you alone. It could have been worse. This forum is full of women who have manipulative exs who are tied to them for the next 18 years because of their kids.

How awful I actually cried reading this post and I'm so sorry for what's happened to you
The one good thing to come off this is your beautiful baby boy and try to focus on him xx

Im so sorry for what has happened but I think you are probably very lucky this man wants nothing to do with you and your child. Imagine what he must have done to his previous partner and child to only be allowed to see them in a contact centre. I suggest you get a Domestic Violence Disclosure Scheme report on him (Clares Law), the truth about who he really is might help.

Gosh, what a horrible time you’ve been through, and what an awful human being he is, be glad he is not in you and your children’s lives.

Deciding to have a child with a man in the first weeks of meeting him is always going to be a risky decision, no normal man would ask at this stage, there is clearly something wrong with him.

Be glad he’s gone op and focus on your family, you have raised three other kids, you can raise this fourth one.

You rushed in way too quick op . As soon as he mentioned his other 2 kids and about not seeing them alarm bells would of gone off for me . After 3 months of being with some one you havnt got the slightest idea what that person is like unfortunately.

Oh OP how awful for you.

I echo PPs that there were red flags a-plenty there, but I know how it is when you get your head turned, you ignore your gut sometimes because you want SO BADLY the image that he's portraying.

Unfortunately you never knew the real man behind the facade.

Does he work? Do you have an address for him? I would get straight onto CMS and get a claim in - even if he's on benefits, they'll deduct something from him, and this fucker really needs to know he can't go round "spreading his seed" and then ignoring the chickens that come home to roost.

Never contact him again or try to reach out with photos of the baby or hopes that the thought of the child will bring him back. But go and get child maintenance asap. I would also be careful about wanting a relationship with his other children and exes for your child as this may be a way he can try and come and manipulate you again . Just be glad he is gone and see it as a stalk left a beautiful gift for you on the doorstep. Cry your tears for your lack of awareness of who this monster was and carry on. Sending love.

I'm so sorry. He sounds awful.

And you sound amazing.

I guess it's hard to see it just now but things will improve. You can and will do this.

It's truly his loss. Let him go.

He clearly has a screw loose, please stop trying to contact this horrible man. There were red flags, did you not think it concerning he had two children already that he didn't see? I can feel your pain in your post, and really feel for you. You can do this though. You've done it before !!

He sounds like an absolute loser and given his past history the writing was on the wall. You will get stronger and stronger as time goes on and one day see it as a blessing he isn't still hanging around causing you all this pain.

You are goi g to have to take each hour as it comes - for your baby and for your older children, soon the hours will become days a and then weeks but you can do this

Thank you again for taking the time to comment. It is greatly appreciated.
The red flags: The first 2 of his children, he very much played the victim card with and if anything, used it as a tool in reassuring me he wanted nothing more than to be a full time dad and how he knew I was the person he had spent his life looking for. His 3rd child, I didn't find out about until he had left. Yes, I was very foolish to have trusted him 😔 but he was extremely loving, supportive, attentive, reassuring and like a breath of fresh air. Surely I don't deserve this level of punishment for simply trusting someone? Do I? He may not have been genuine, but my feelings for him were very much real. Up until the day he left, I had no reason to doubt his feelings weren't real. Which is what I'm struggling to accept.
Please don't think for a second that just because I'm feeling so hurt and low, that I'm not putting my children first. I've spent many years mastering masking my feelings from my children, as a lot of mums do.
I fully accept that I was foolish to put my trust in someone so soon, but ultimately, I'm paying the price of that foolishness.
My fault or his, it still really hurts. Mostly because my baby has ended up with an absent parent, that I feel immense guilt for. But the baby didn't make any false promises or foolish mistakes and he really doesn't deserve any of this. I am being the best mum I can possibly be to him, and my older 3, but I can never be a dad to him 😪.

Did you actually plan to have the baby together? If so what he did was very cruel.

I'm so sorry OP I had tears in my eyes reading the sadness in your post. I'm so pleased you have the support of the perinatal team - please lean on them as much as you need to, they are fantastic people.

Sending so much love and strength to you and your baby boy

@Kittykat93 Shes asking for advice to help her move forward from this man not dwell on the things she didn't see at the time. She's stated she was previously in an abusive relationship so it may not have been as easy for her to see what was happening.
She's clearly struggling a lot and I don't think it's going to help making her feel worse about her situation and any mistakes she's made.

@NikNut I am so sorry you are going through this, it's an awful situation. Stay strong, you are a great mother, you have done this before and you can do it again for your new little bundle of joy. You are all he needs

It became a bit of an argument as I wanted to wait a year, at least. But he didn't. Because I had been alone for so long, I wasn't on contraception and told him the times we couldn't be intimate. He would go above and beyond to reassure me of the fears I had and convince me of the wonderful future we would have together and how he was never going anywhere. To the point he told my family, children and friends how he was going to marry me. Of course I take responsibility for getting pregnant. I can't blame him for that. But he certainly pushed and pushed for something I was reluctant about and I feel manipulated me using my own fears as the blueprint to do so. I'm not sure if you can call that "planned" or just "not avoided". Either way, my baby is the only blessing to come out of this and as difficult as it is facing the future alone with him, and trying to forget the happy future my ex and I had planned, I wouldn't change that the baby is here.

My exh left me two weeks before I was due a c-section. We already had a 20 month old together. It absolutely broke me and reading your post has reminded me just how desperate and scared and hurt I was at the beginning.
That was 15 years ago and I've raised them both alone. He has very little to do with either of them. He's now married with a new family who apparently, he's an amazing father to.
I've always been ok with him for the sake of my dc, but as they've got older, they've realised for themselves that he's a bit of a prick. He won't even let them meet their half siblings.
All I can say is that it DOES get better. Honestly, truthfully, I wouldn't have it any other way. My dc are amazing. And they're all my own work 😌
Take any help you can get, from whomever offers it and I promise you, the hurt does eventually subside and you'll just be grateful for your beautiful baby.
I wish you so much love 💐

Ok from your update it’s clear he just wanted unprotected sex. Soon as you started to properly show and it became real he was out
He is an arsehole of the highest level op and you’re better off without him, as is your son.

You’ve so many joyful moments ahead and so much love in your future with your new baby, snd with four kids, you’re never alone.

Forget him, he’s a piece of shit, who isn’t worth any of your thoughts.

Oh goodness this has got to be one of the worst posts I've read on here. What a pre meditated twisted fucker that man is. I can't believe anyone would be so cruel to keep on doing this, probably gets some weird power trip over it.

Does he work? Can you look into claiming maintenance?

@doodlebug33 I'm sorry that you too have experienced this level of hurt 😔. And I apologise for bringing up any negative feelings for you. I'm glad that you have moved past all of that hurt and recovered a stronger person for it. It also gives me hope that one day, this heavy feeling of pain sitting on my chest will one day subside. I don't suppose you have an estimate time frame of how long it takes? Xx

@bangheadhere40 He does work but he already pays the maximum amount of child maintenance that they are allowed to take, for his other 3 children. And according to the ex, he is in so much debt with CMS that they all recieve a very minimal amount, and often nothing at all. He didn't provide a single thing for the baby during pregnancy, or contribute to the house we moved into together that I can not afford alone. Again, my own stupid fault for trusting him. I really did believe he was my happily ever after. Even my eldest son (17) said he was the missing piece to our family and it then felt complete. It is just a horrendous nightmare that I wish I could wake up from. It doesn't feel real. X