Please can anyone help me 😪

[NikNut]

I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x

You seem to have romanticised having children in your head as a commitment. It sure as hell is a commitment for women, but as you've found out, a man does not have to commit at all and saying they want one is proof of nothing.
I do wonder how you came to so easily believe everything he said after only knowing him for 4 months? That is the crux of it, and that is why you find yourself in this situation now. The worry is, that this could happen again in the future, until you accept that there are some very good liars out there, and feeling swept away in a whirlwind by somebody, to the extent of ignoring some pretty major red flags is a bad time to make any life decisions. You should in future wait much longer- I'd suggest about 2 years, if you are a person who gets swept away by romance. This would give you plenty of time to judge by his actions, and you would also hopefully by then be over the infatuation stage and be in a position to add a dose of realism to decision making.
If you are still feeling he's wonderful, yes you are still romantacizing, as reality is that he's an awful human being. Give it time, you will realise what a shit he is, meanwhile accept all support offered from genuine people who love you - friends and family.

I think you need some different counseling if the first one did not help I would ask to see another. It is ok people telling you to move on but it looks like you cannot manage to do that at the moment ,Your hormones may be helping that .I would print out your posts on here if it is hard to put in words .I don't know if you can afford to pay private or maybe one of the health professionals could advise you who to see .It is hard to believe that there are men out there as awful as him and am so sorry you met him. I can feel your pain in your words so please ask for help and if one thing does not help try something else.

@NikNut

Sorry to hear you have had the misfortune to come across a Arsehole like this in your life

Its good you have your mother for some support and of course you have your children there for you.

Is your mother the kind of mother who would baby sometimes or often for you then?

I know you have a older child maybe they can babysit sometimes for you too?

its good that Arsehole ex partner wants to get to know you and your baby son as its a half sibling brother to his ex partners child.

Make sure you look after yourself properly.
Lockdown restrictions will be lifting soon
So you can meet up with friends and family more op.
Can you join a Healthspa club to have a break for a bit and take part in activities in the Jaccuzzi and swimming pool etc.

What about also booking a holistic Therapy sessions sometimes such as hot stone massage etc

You will feel a lot better

Have you got good supportive friends and other members of family aswell to turn to?

Do not feel you have been a fool op

You are not the first or will be last to taken in by a Arsehole.
You were very emotionally vulnerable after you abusive Toxic relantship before .

I think it beneficial for you also to look into counselling therapy aswell as CBT cognitive therapy sessions

Simply cause your self Cofindence is so low and its become a pattern acctracting the wrong sort of man in your life having these kinds of therapy will help you to explore address why you repeat this pattern and how to effectively change this pattern of thought/behaviour patterns in the future so you feel a lot more in control of your life and feel more self aware to make positive changes that will benefit you and your family,
You will feel liberated from your past issues

You deserve a lot better and therapy will help you with you new found Cofindence to make better life choices in future and acctract better quality of partner in relantships ect

I also sense feel with your Arsehole ex partner who has a child ,you have her contact tel no,

I think there is a bonus a potential of a friendship surprising developing from this in near future,good one.

She understands the crap you have experienced as she has experienced the very same thing from this waste of space man child Arsehole.

Also do make sure you pursue through the courts for child maitence and also encourage his other ex partners to do the same thing to.

You can find out about this course of action through social security .or online uk Gov websites .

I think you could both find support with each with this ex partner mother of his child.

Also random idea thought.

Get into mediation and mindfullness yoga

Mediation is beneficial for stress relief and feels like a power knap after surprising short time such ad 10 -15 mins or so.

Its free you can do this at home.
Plus there are good mediation sounds to listen to.

Mediation will help you too, with gaining clarity of mind thinking more clearly better.

Also connect with star gazing and finding out about when speacial events on with solar system such solar eclipse or red moon in sky.

Also look on YouTube internet to find out about new interests or and watching interesting Facebook events happening of different kinds

Also eventbrite website has some very interesting free aswell as paid online events on to see.

Take care op xxx

Plenty of women have fallen for the wrong type please don't feel you are on your own

You atw definitely not op.!

You know you can allways turn to mumsnet for extra support aswell.

You definitely did the right thing turning to mumsnet for support x

You can free counselling therapy on the NHS.

Aswell as it can be free on the NHS for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy too.

I don't have any advice but I've read all your updates and I just wanted to say you are an amazing and strong woman, you can do this, and if he isn't going to add to your life, better he's not in it at all.

I also got taken in by one of these. I never got pregnant thankfully despite him wanting to (PCOS... I'm really hard to get pregnant), but I remember well the agony when he suddenly disappeared after the day before he was telling me how much he loved me (my period came, and I remember joking with him that I wasn't pregnant. In hindsight that was probably why he disappeared). I remember thinking I was never going to recover.

Of course you trusted him, you're obviously a well-adjusted person with no cause to suspect anything is amiss from someone. It's easy to see the red flags in hindsight but in a loving relationship they could just as easily have been nothing to worry about.

You know what they say, love is blind and hindsight is twenty/twenty.
Love your beautiful baby and focus on him. Lots of skin to skin and cuddles and eye contact. I had a baby last year and it wasn't in ideal circs, I know it's easy to beat yourself up for things that you can't control but you did your best with the info at hand.

You are a strong, independent woman. You have raised babies before. You have a good career and it sounds like you have an amazing family around you. You have got this.

It's absolutely his loss that this twat bastard of a man will never know your wonderful baby. Mr. C sounds unhinged. And well done for not putting him on the birth cert. Don't let him back into your life if he comes back and says he made a mistake.

First of all I want to say it wasn’t your fault. You went in in good faith and he had a whole other agenda. It sounds to me like you are in the throes of enormous grief.
The thing about grief and losing someone you loved is that it’s a process. I don’t mean you have to go through a, b and c to get through it but you do need to grieve and allow yourself to. Sometimes you need to do ugly crying, hard I know with teenagers in the house, but hopefully they’re back at school now.
When I lost my significant other I gave myself three months to mourn full time. Then I reduced it to one day a week, then one hour, then five minutes. Every time the grief came up I would think now is not the allotted time. Now, fifteen years later, I have a little wobble sometimes because I loved that person very much and I have got used to them not being around any more. But it still hurts.
Counsellors are like shoes: if they don’t fit you aren’t going to walk far. I doubt Cbt would be helpful right now, a more rounded person centred counsellor would probably be more helpful. You are a strong, capable person, you can do this. Get some help if you feel you need it and give yourself all the time you need. 💐

Hi OP, just came along to reassure you that it was not your fault. All these posters hammering on about "the signs" they would have seen and how it's not normal to be making big plans with someone early on... It's very easy to "see" and say things as an outsider. You were in love, he gave you everything you needed ar the time, was incredibly supportive and reassuring. Your children loved him, he was going to complete your family and you welcomed him into your life. Yes, you agreed to have a baby with him, but why - because he knew how to manipulate a woman to do that; he pressured you the right way and got what he wanted, knowing full well he did not intend to be there for you and the baby. He is a sick, twisted bastard. HE DID ALL OF THIS, NOT YOU. Please remember that.
I have been in a similar situation - a life based on lies, ignoring red flags and choosing to believe the man I thought he was. Took me a very long time (years) to stop blaming myself. The damage your ex has done is really more than enough, dont punish yourself any further And what others have said, your son is most definitely better off not knowing his "dad". Who knows what kind of fraud and hurt he'll bring on him one day. Please know you are loved and you have full empathy from many of us.

I am so sorry for those that have had similar experiences to myself. Thank you so much for sharing them with me and for the reassurance they provide. It seems impossible at the moment for me, but how you ladies have recovered with integrity and strength, is inspiring.
I can't seem to pull myself out of this darkness. I had my baby registered yesterday and was completely beside myself with the blank space where his dad should be. I broke down in the registry office and spent yesterday distraught about how C can not be bothered that his son has been left with a blank space for the rest of his life. But reading some of the comments, I am starting to see the positives of that blank space. Throughout all of this hurt for the last 15 weeks, and 4 weeks of baby being born, I have still been the best mummy I can possibly be. I've still got up and showered everyday, despite no sleep, I've still continued to breastfeed, despite it being hourly feeds, I've still maintained the house and cared for my older 3 children (may have missed cooking tea a few times), I have loved my baby whole heartedly, despite having a broken heart. I've done my best in a horrible situation. C, isn't heartbroken and he's done nothing for his baby. Not even acknowledged his existence. Therefore, what difference does his name being on the birth certificate make? It isn't going to make my baby all of a sudden have 2 parents caring for him. He is MY baby.
Of course the hurt remains. But I think registering the baby alone, was my last hurdle to face. There can't be any more hurt now, can there? Surely the worst is over? Xx

Dear OP,

what this evil man did to you is criminal. I am so very sorry as it has very obviously torn you apart.

I have not read all the updates but wanted to send my sympathy. I am lucky enough to have no idea how it feels to be treated like that.

Take him for all you can - you deserve child maintenance from him and he owes you big time for stealing your dreams.

I can not believe there are people in the world that can be this cruel 😪. And many of them by the sounds of it. How do these people emotionally detach from their own children? And not care about it? I could never live with myself if I knew I had ever caused someone the pain C has me. And the person I knew, wouldn't be able to live with it either. So that does mean that person didn't exist doesn't it 😔. I'm so sorry to the women who have been through this, or similar. Genuinely really sorry ❤

As a midwife though you do know that many pricks split & abandon their pregnant girlfriends.

You say you can’t believe or comprehend someone to be this cruel...but you also said earlier that you were initially hesitant to have a baby, because this was your ultimate fear - to be abandoned with a baby.

So on some level you DO know that this can & does happen, that there are many people capable of wiping the existence of their offspring from their memory + conscience.

This doesn’t make it ok, or normal, or right of course. Just trying to challenge your current perception of disbelief.

You still talk of his fake act as being possibly a real person. It was a show, he was performing a part, which he has played multiple times over. You were unfortunately his next victim.

You have even met his exes he has screwed over - but still you wonder how the man you knew could do this. You do know him, this is who he is.

well what a read... bless you what a dreadfull situation to be in .
The only thing I can advise on is start your healing process because it appears that you havnt really processed the hurt from the previous time? learn from what you have experienced remember all the red flags that you missed or was too vulnerable to see ?
you are here to protect you and your children and no-one gets in the way of that- become the lioness... you are strong you just don't see it yet but you will - get the counselling -get away from him now -he is not a stable man -he duped you- he conned you -god help the next woman who falls into his trap and there will be others for sure -when you start to get angry and you will- find a way to call him out -
but in the mean time heal and care for you and your children god bless...

I feel for you I really do, my mum was a single parent and my dad a complete cunt, you and your baby are better without him.

When will this hurt subside? 😪

Ah OP there are bound to be good days, bad days and really awful days. The ratio will gradually improve though, I'm sure. The love your baby has brought with him will inexorably increase the amount of good feelings you have. Have you shared with your GP/HV? are they monitoring your mood, with all this trauma you may need some treatment/medication.

I really feel for you

Thank you for taking the time to reply and for your kindness.
Every day seems to get harder 😪. Maybe that is part of the process? I would just like an hour or so without this suffocating feeling. I keep googling how to get over a breakup/trauma/heartache, but the advice is mostly not feasible due to covid and having a new baby. Some bits helpful though.
I think the love I have for my baby makes it hurt more. Sounds crazy doesn't it. I feel so much guilt for him and when I cuddle him, I think how on earth his other parent can pretend he doesn't exist. Very bitter sweet.

Yeah I've got perinatal mental health involvement and am now on cetalopram, for last 2 weeks
Xxx

Well it's good that you have proper medical support OP. Remember love is a two way street - your love for your baby, and his for you. You may feel guilt for him as well as love, but he just feels love for you. Let yourself really feel it and make you strong. You have proved what a great mum you are with your other DC, now you have this treasure of a new baby to love and be loved by. With you on his side he won't feel the absence of that horrible man. Please don't let that * ruin it for you, or the baby.

Despite all this pain it sounds like you are functioning well. You've googled and found advice, evaluated it and sorted it into 'useful' and 'not useful'. You are amazing.

How are you getting on OP?

Thank you so much for checking in ❤. I'm still very up and down, but the down times are getting shorter. Baby has started smiling and that warms my heart and definitely takes some of the hurt away. I still feel immensely guilty for baby, but I'm doing my best for him, as mummy and daddy.
It sticks in my throat that C has managed to carry on with his happy life unaffected by any of the damage he caused. But I accept there is nothing I can do about that.
Overall, I feel like I'm doing a little better, but very slowly 😌 xx

@NikNut

Thank you so much for checking in ❤. I'm still very up and down, but the down times are getting shorter. Baby has started smiling and that warms my heart and definitely takes some of the hurt away. I still feel immensely guilty for baby, but I'm doing my best for him, as mummy and daddy. It sticks in my throat that C has managed to carry on with his happy life unaffected by any of the damage he caused. But I accept there is nothing I can do about that. Overall, I feel like I'm doing a little better, but very slowly 😌 xx

What an awful situation op. I'm so sorry. It will stop hurting in time but know that he is the bad guy here. Not you.

It’s stories like this that make me want to form a vigilante group, track him down & give him a good hiding.

Blokes like him should be tattooed with twat across his forehead to act as a warning.

Sorry OP, I’m mad on your behalf.

I’m glad that you’re feeling a tiny bit better. Keep plodding on.