Please can anyone help me 😪

[NikNut]

I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x

Keep going op. You're doing brilliantly!

Hey Op, I've just read your story and so sorry to hear how this man has treated you.

Unfortunately it seems a regular occurrence that people like to behave this way!

Regard child maintenance did you contact CMS your self or is the information you had what he's previously told you ? I'd still be contacting them and getting the ball rolling, if he gets into more debt that's his problem not yours x

Are your elder children two boys and a girl !?

Your post made me really sad. What a horrible horrible man. As someone who has just been played by a toxic liar I get it. I didn't end up with his children but I am now trying to rebuild my life. He convinced me he loved me and I was his world. Then he just simply dumped me and dropped me from every single part of his life because I asked him why he was liking someone's photos on Facebook. I have since spoken to a women from his past and it turns out he is not the man I thought he was at all. He's a lying, cheating, toxic man who was very convincing. I changed my whole life to be with him and he left me alone with no warning.

I'm 18 days Into rebuilding my life. I am up and down. Angry. Sad. Hurt. Lost. Then I get positive hours and I'm very determined and peaceful in those hours.

I know it's not that easy. But the first thing I did was start writing emails with my thoughts and feelings in. I save them to archive. That helps me get things of my chest and stops me texting the idiot that hurt me.

Secondly look up lots of things on toxic people and narcism. I was literally like yes to everything. He was all those things. He was a liar. Everything was about him and his ego. Women were toys for him. His relationships with family and friends were all broken down. He used to put me down and chip away at my confidence. The more you read up on this and love bombing you will see he has massive mental health issues and it really really isn't you.

I also have had to learn that there's just no point contacting them. Silence is everything. Leave him alone. I know you want to make him see your pain. But he's horrible and he won't ever give you the reassurance you need or deserve. I personally feel so much happier staying silent. I've not said a word for 10 days now and have only reached out once. He responded with attitude so I said goodbye and blocked him. No matter how hard it is. Take back your control! Walk away emotionally. Walk away literally. Block. Stay silent. Rant to friends. Write things down.

Keep busy. Find ways to lift yourself. I find it helps to blast my music and sing in the house. Go for a walk with headphones in. Clear your head. Keep muddling through each day. Feel proud of yourself when you get into bed each night and it's another day you've survived.
Sometimes we end up crossing paths with a horrible toxic person. We try to avoid them but we get caught in their web. Every person I expect has experienced it to some degree. It's all about rebuilding your life now without him.

You are amazing. A midwife! A mother! A daughter! A friend! What's he? Not alot by the sounds of him. Keep going and I hope you feel a million times better soon.

I just wanted to say that your story is so scarily similar to mine that for a few minutes I genuinely thought we had been involved with the same man! I was exactly where you are. Three years on my little boy and I are thriving. His (previously two years absent) father has finally received a correct diagnosis for a mood/mental health disorder which is now being managed and he is taking an active role in his son’s life. We get on well. I’ve chosen to forgive him, more for my own well-being than his. There is hope. But truthfully, I was absolutely fine before his dad even started shaping up. You’re stronger than you think. Good luck.

Read "Why Does He Do That". It might help to give you an understanding about abusive men, techniques that they use and that it's actually nothing to do with you. It's him that's the problem.

OP, your post made my blood run cold. I wish there was some sort of register for men like him. He certainly wasn't the man he initially presented himself as and that is a massive headfuck. I'm not sure why some posters are giving you a tough time or being unkind. Allow yourself to grieve at your own speed. For those saying you should be over it, you have had to deal with not only a break up whilst pregnant, but a break up with someone who was a totally different person to whom he pretended to be. On top of that, you have a young baby, hormones, the reality of the situation against how you envisaged it was going to be and a pandemic that limits support networks. The birth of your baby of course triggers more of the grieving process of what should have been. One hour at a time. Day by day.

You sound like an amazing mum and one day you will be truly glad you're not with that sick fuck, that he's not in your lovely baby's life and the "why" he did what he did won't matter - he was never who he pretended to be. He showed in the most despicable way what a nasty, twisted, evil bastard he is. Be kind to yourself.

I hope this man stays out of your lives because I cannot believe someone who behaved this way could ever truly be a benefit to you and your family's life. You can do this - you already are.

@NikNut

Thank you again for taking your time to comment on my situation. I wish I could put into words just how much the kindness of many is helping ❤. I did write a long reply but the site crashed 🤦🏻‍♀️ No, it wasn't me that posted in here previously. Which means there is, sadly, somebody else going through a similar experience 😪. I hope that woman is stronger than I am and is recovering well.

As for the signs that some keep wanting to highlight my stupidity for not seeing, I honestly already feel so foolish and immense guilt towards my baby for not seeing the signs that appear so clear. Of course it is very different pointing out the signs from a 2 minute overview of the situation, than it is living in the situation. I do accept responsibility for my stupidity, but does that mean that this situation is justified and its my own fault? I personally feel like I've been punished enough with the level of hurt I've endured over the last 14 weeks. My biggest crime was putting my trust and love into someone who was extremely convincing and reassuring. Ultimately, I'm paying the price of that and am not looking for any validation, just for advice on how to heal from the hurt 😪. I'm fully aware of how stupid I am.

Someone mentioned the gender of the baby and this is something I have speculated with myself. He has 3 boys already and when I was early pregnant, he would tell me how he knows its a girl because he knew it would take someone special to give him a girl. We found out at 16 weeks that he was a boy and ex left for the first time when I was 20 weeks. Maybe he really believes his theory and I'm just not special. I suspect he may continue with his trajectory until he gets his daughter. How sad for all his sons 😪.
Again, I sincerely thank you for all your comments. Xx

Btw op the father dictates the sex of the baby so the boy line lies with him!

Also the other thread is this one but no update from op

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4119936-heartbroken-he-wants-space?pg=31

I can see why people had our stories confused 😯. It broke my heart reading her situation 😪. Sorry I haven't replied to many posters lately. I'm not coping very well as of late. I feel like I'm going 1 step forward, 10 steps back every day. But baby absolutely warms my heart and masks some of the hurt.
I just want to say thank you for all the lovely comments and continued support. It has been so helpful ❤

Grief and abuse recovery are not linear, but time is a great healer. It's not been that long OP, especially with a baby. Please know that it will get easier.

Thank you @namechange63524 ❤
Most of the sadness is for my baby to be honest. I feel like such a horrible person because I feel jealous and sad when I see dads with their babies 😔. I don't want to become bitter towards the world and am worried that I will. I wanted the perfect life I was promised for my little boy.
But as many have said, he wouldn't be a positive in his life anyway and has probably done him a favour by leaving when he did. I feel guilty that I believed this man's lies and the only real victim is my baby as a consequence of my foolishness 😔. Xx

The yearning is really hard. There can be other special people in your baby's life, and obviously it's not the same as the future you were promised, but it can still be a healthy future, just different to what was envisaged. You are a good mum. If you had broken your arms, you wouldn't beat yourself up about it (obviously you couldn't even if you wanted to - crap attempt at humour there). You need to heal and you will. You have done the best by your baby - he is lucky to have you and he wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

It's awful and unfair that this man escapes unscathed so everything you are feeling is perfectly normal. Like any other unprovoked, sustained attack, you need to recover. Loss is painful and unfortunately there is no magic bullet to speed it up, you just have to go through it, BUT it really will get easier, not in a linear way, but the gaps in time between the waves that wash over you will increase if that makes sense, but occasionally they may come from nowhere but won't last as long. You will get through this and your baby will be fine.

Accept and ask for all the help you need - I appreciate sometimes it's hard to even know what you need and the mental load of organising that can feel hard. People who offer specific things or times without needing micro management can be most helpful when you're in the fog, rather than generic "let me know if you need anything" type comments. Hopefully as restrictions ease, more support will be available to you.

I honestly don't know how I'm ever going to get over this 😪. I can't forsee it ever not hurting. There isn't a second of the day where its not all running through my head. What's happened, trying to make some sense of it all. Why its happened. Could I have stopped it from happening. Does his baby ever cross his mind or does he really not exist to him? Will he ever want anything to do with him? My head is constantly a million miles an hour. I'm taking baby for daily walks and thats supposed to clear your head? For me it makes me think more. Everything i try to use as a distraction, doesn't work. I love my baby more than I could even begin to explain, but him being the absolute double of his dad stings a bit. This is just so hard 😪 I wish I could be stronger 😔

I’m sorry. This man was never what you needed, or even wanted. He played a decent game of it and the abandoned another child because he’s a dick. What sort of a man does that? What sort of a father is happy to have multiple children and let them ALL go, for no real reason?

You need to channel your anger and maybe get some counselling, because if he offers you a crumb you’ll go back and this cycle will continue. You should be angry and upset when you see decent dads with their children. He can’t even be bothered with the absolute bare minimum.

You’re worth so much better than a man like this.

This was a very hard read, horrible man but moreso the reaction you are having and the level of distress you are in. What do the perinatal mental health team do to support you?

I can't seem to get angry 😔. I feel stuck in this sadness. I've written lists of all the horrible things that have happened and the hurt that's been caused. I've kept a journal and have read back to remind myself just how cruel he was whilst I was breaking. I've spoken to 3 different counselling services now and it doesn't seem to help. I've tried to "fake it" being happy in the hope it will then become reality. I've embraced the sadness and just gone with it. The lengths I've gone to to try and distract myself and keep busy are ridiculous. I've lost 3 stone in 5 weeks and am now feeling physically ill. I've been on antidepressants for 3 weeks now, no affect. Positively or negatively. But I understand they can take a long time to have any affect.
I'm so so grateful for my healthy baby and he really is a blessing. I appreciate all that I have and acknowledge that there are people far worse off than myself and I am really lucky that all my children are healthy and happy. But this pain in my chest will not subside 😔. I really would be grateful just for an hour a day where the pain isn't there and I can feel genuinely happy or at peace. I want to be strong 😪. But I'm not.

The perinatal mental health team have been great in that they got medication sorted very promptly and they are lovely when they visit. But I'm so embarrassed and ashamed of the situation I'm in and feel so guilty for my baby, that I tend to compose myself around people, including them.
I cry all through the night when I'm awake with little one. I cry everyday in the shower. When the kids are home, I have to take myself off to the toilet and will sit and cry. I cry when cooking, walking, cleaning and just anytime I'm alone really. Which is most of the time. Its killing me 😪
I know how pathetic i sound. I really do. But there is nowhere else for me to turn and to be so honest 😪

You really must keep talking to the perinatal mental health team. Stop putting on a facade and composing yourself. You’ve nothing to be ashamed of, but you do sound like you need more help.

I have been through similar however break up at 1yrs old and never saw him again.

He has done this to multiple women since, been married multiple time and had multiple kids.

I felt horrendous when it first happened but time is a massive healer. He did us a huge favour, our lives would have been miserable with him in it.

Please remember you won’t feel like this forever. Please ask for more help and support. Surround yourself with good friends and family and tell them how you are really feeling.

You are a super strong woman having already raised 3 children whilst studying and working and providing. You can do this again and you will look back on this as a very lucky escape in time.

None of this is your fault.

Firstly, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please do not compose yourself so they can get you the right help.

He sold you a dream. You're so hurt because you didn't get this dream. He sounds like a prick. He has done this it seems to many woman. Like he almost gets a kick out of it.

Your hurt will soon turn to anger. He creates children to never see them again. He is a disgrace. I'd rather have a blank space then a name like his on any birth certificate.

You're so strong, stronger than you think.
You can be both mum and dad to your baby and you are.

You're the one that has stepped up and roadies your child. Even though you're hurting your children are coming first. You're a great mum and be kind to yourself.

One day you'll look back and see this piece of shit for what he really is.

He'll do the same to someone else. I think there will be many more.

Stay strong.

Raised*

Oh, op don't be ashamed. You have children and You are their world. Oh, I wish I knew you! I'd be over right now with a big hug xx

OP please don’t feel ashamed for how you feel. You say you’ve had counselling but have they focused on your grief? Di you work for NHS if so can you /have you accessed occupational health for additional support?.
Do you have anyone in rl who can help you who you can met your mask down a little or someone who can make you laugh a little?
You do sound stuck in your grief at your loss stage which is perfectly understandable. Be kind to yourself, you are a new mum with all the normal hormonal changes going on anyway.
Crying is great at helping all those pent up emotions out so crack in with the crying in the shower etc.
AS you say it’s early days for the anti depressants to kick in so hang on in there.
CAn you manage one nice thing to do each day for yourself, even if that’s just being in the garden Andy just breathing.
There are liars if really goodness’s online supports available, have you heard of Decider Skills high may be available through your perinatal team.
for you and this horrible situation yo are in but please remember that this will all pass and you’ll be able to look back and realise how far you’ve come.

If the antidepressants don 't start working in another week or so go back to the doctors sometimes you have to try a few before finding one that works. They will not change things but they should help you to cope better

OP, you need to see your GP right away.
You sound very depressed.
Please get help ASAP

He has absolutely done the best thing possible for you and your family.
He was only ever capable of causing you pain...this is a pattern he repeats with different women and children..
He has saved you years of heartache by leaving now ,rather than when your child is used to having him around .
Do not put him on the birth certificate..block him on everything.