Please can anyone help me 😪

[NikNut]

I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x

OP you really need to start giving your head a wobble. I don't get it...I dont get why you havent snapped back to reality yet. Does he have a golden dick? xD

You should have been creeped out as fuck by his love bombing and especially the talk of a child so soon. Its creepy!!! I mean I cant get my head around by you would say yes to a baby with a man you barely knew and think it would go well.

I think the problem was you were not ready to date after the last predator. But still op, fs.

You need to stay single and build up your self esteem and boundaries again. I am genuinely worried that this missing him still seems to be on equal par with knowing he is bad news. Surely if you really saw what a vile man he was, you would still hurt yes, but you would not want him in your life with your head AND your heart.

So I'll be tough on you op - you let this lunatic into your childrens life. You are very lucky he left or he would have stayed and abused you and they would have had to see. You need to start having more sense (...and not treating having babies as a way to keep men).

*strike the 'last predator' bit, confusing you with poster that has abusive ex.

But actually means you have even less of an excuse for rushing to have a baby with this man.

What's done is done but seriously op, forget men and stay focused on the kids from now on.

😪

I don’t think anyone here can help you OP.

He abandoned you at 20 weeks & has followed the exact same pattern as with his previous 3 children & girlfriends.

Your baby is a few weeks/months old now

Acceptance or reality + Anger phase should really have kicked in by now?

It sounds like you’re in such a state of depression about this that perhaps your mind is refusing to believe this is your reality? That you essentially caused this to yourself by not reading the fairly obvious signs?

If you cling to this foolish concept that him talking to your bump is the real him & this guy who has abandoned you/child is fake, then that means hopefully soon he will come back to take your pain away

With all due respect you have 3 teenagers & you should know better & do better to keep this predator away from your family

It sounds like if he calls you, you will let him back without a question

Why is your self esteem so low? It had to have been low before you met him, to become so swept up in the idea of having a baby with someone you had known just a few weeks.

What about your current reality makes you struggle to believe this is the real him?

You sound like you’re choosing to continue living in a fantasy where he is a good guy which hurts less than your reality which is the worst betrayal possible.

This must be some type of comfort for you - by not living in your reality you don’t have to feel your grief.

Something in you must have wanted another baby, perhaps to do it right this time? Your other kids are a lot older & you are very young. Did you have your first child at 15?

I still think this is enough time to have reached acceptance of your situation and am unsure how anyone here can really help you?

What kind of therapy have you had?

Have you seen a psychologist ? Or is it a counsellor?

Whatever treatment you sought I suggest upgrading it as run of the mill therapy isn’t helping you.

You need to accept that he is gone. That dream, that fantasy, it's gone. It is no more.

I was very much in your position and I know exactly how hard it is.

The only thing that I will tell you is that you end up extremely close to your dc. Right now, that's shit. When they're older, that is what you'll love.

Children are rarely affected by the absence of a father.

Rereading your posts am going to be a bit tough here

• this is actually your fault in that you brought all this on yourself

• you chose to disregard all common sense & advice saying making a baby with someone you have known weeks/months & expecting they will stick around for baby to be born is a monumentally stupid idea

• he had 3 kids & exes who he had done the same thing to but you ignored this wanting to play the role that you are special, the one who will change him & give him his beloved dream daughter

• he IS a predator & abusive But you don’t want to sit with yourself & acknowledge what was deficient in your mindset that allowed this piece of shit to weasel into your life.

Anytime someone has pointed out that you did bring this on yourself you retort back with how you know this but you have beaten yourself up enough already

But have you?

If you were honestly so furious with yourself for your own foolhardy decisions, you likely would have reached the acceptance of reality & anger phase you need to propel yourself to the next phase of grieving

You sound “stuck” in disbelief & denial

That sounds to me like you don’t want to be in reality - because in reality you ignored every single waving red flag & presses on with this childish fantasy that making a baby just brings couples together & is a symbol of your love.

You are a midwife FFS ! That you counsel & guide other women during birth astounds me you have this current mindset. What would you say to a woman who had been abandoned pre-birth? You are not even offering your own kindness & wisdom for yourself.

Nothing about this guy or your relationship was “special” or “unique” and the sooner you admit your fault and truly start getting angry at yourself for your poor decisions the better you will be

The way you speak he could waltz right back into your house & you would have him back in an instant. The awful affect on all of your children would mean nothing if you can just get your fantasy man & life back

You need help & you need to write down every thing you did wrong, missed or ignored here.

You don’t want to blame yourself, but you have had a role to play in how life has dealt you this card.

Once you accept your part then you will find strength because you will have learnt valuable lessons

There is no lesson you can learn when you are avoiding facing reality & continuing to live in a dream land where a video of him talking to your bump is “real him” and him abandoning his child at 20 weeks conception is the “fake him”

I think you are stuck because the next phase of grieving is being accountable for your own actions & you can’t bear to face your own stupidity.

And yes have been in abusive relationships

Had to flee to a women’s refuge etc

So do know that being angry with yourself is actually not always bad thing & knowing your mistakes helps you to understand how not to make them again.

OP has said point blank if he came back now wanting to be perfect father she would let him straight back

This suggests she hasn’t learnt a thing about her mistakes & this is what is keeping her stuck in denial.

Really helpful @AtSwimTwoBerts

That's so hard, I am so sorry.

What an absolute shitbag! Honestly I feel like punching him for you.

I think some of these responses are harsh, but to be fair, I also don’t understand the decision you made to habe a child with a man you’d known weeks.

As soon as you heard contact centre it should have screamed potential abuse, or substance abuse, but something so significant he wasn’t to be trusted to be alone with the child.

This was not a man who wanted to see his children grow, this was a man who couldn’t be near his own children for their safety, and as a midwife I don’t know how you didn’t know that.

You need to stop chasing a fantasy, for your sake. The image presented was all fake, he was just telling you what you wanted to hear.

The reality is whatever caused him to have to see his child in a contact centre, might have also continued to ensure he had to see yours in one too. That the authorities would step in and prevent him being alone with the child. He may be a risk to young children and not allowed to be alone with them.

The point is you don’t know. It was a short lived relationship with a stranger.

So stop looking at his videos nostalgically and start to understand this man was a predator, and there is a chance he was predatory to young kids.

You don’t want him back. He’s bad news. And you don’t know to what extent he’s bad news, it could be way way worse than you know. Normal men do not try to convince strangers to have a baby with them.

He left at 20 weeks
That’s 4 months into pregnancy
So if baby is a “few” weeks now
OP has had at least 6 months for reality to set in
But when watching videos of him talking to her bump (cringe)
She is sure this is proof he was “honestly so excited”

This is not proof he was “honestly” Anything

If anything it is proof that he was full of shit and a complete stranger

No sane healthy person wants to have a baby with someone they have known for weeks/months

No sane healthy person accepts the offer to have a baby with someone they have known weeks/months

This guy is sick but Op is not a well person.

If he came back tomorrow she would tell her existing older children to suck it up, he is now coming back to prove he is father of the year! What kind of trauma would that cause them?

I feel like the OP is a seriously unwell woman & was before all this. That is how he bamboozled her into having this baby

I think that’s a bit harsh gutful. I agree it’s not healthy behaviour on the part of the op and she needs to understand why she behaved so recklessly in the face of so many warning signs. The normal reaction would be he was a creepy fucker and to block him immediately..

When a stranger starts telling you he wants to marry you and have a child with you and knowing he was not allowed to be alone with an existing child, you should know there’s a really, really big problem there.

It seems she desperately wanted a partner and to be a family so when this man told her what she wanted to hear, she jumped at it. That’s something to be examined. As is why she’d still want him back.

Op, honestly your blood should be running cold at the thought of what this man might be. For all you know he could be a paedophile and that’s why he had to see his child when they were younger in a contact centre, and why he is no contact with the other. There’s a reason there.

He’s also in debt, lied to you about how many kids he had. I mean it’s all there. It was always all there. As soon as a man who has known you a couple of weeks starts asking you to habe a baby, you should know immediately something is very very wrong.

Omg
This man is deranged
I’d be more worried if he did come back
Please please please focus on that little baby, put all your energies into loving him. Block any thoughts of his man.
It’s not easier said than done, you can do it, you have 4 children who need you.

Op lots of children grow up without fathers. Think of all the men who died during the wars and left kids who never knew them.

You’re an experienced parent with 3 great kids. This little one will be equally great. You got this
Please speak to your HV to get some support. Of course you feel emotional, you’ve just had a baby so your hormones are all over the place. But you really will be ok.

Focus on the baby
You say you can’t afford the house on your own. Can you speak to stepchange or cab or shelter about possible solutions. Are you entitled to any benefits eg child benefit.

Put him out of your mind and focus on building a bright future for your family

He's not an amazing man, OP
Truth is, he's a Walter Mitty character and an arsehole, and you didn't know him at all.
Even if he came back to you tomorrow, he is not to be trusted, and would start to be flaky again 5 minutes later.
It's so, so hard but you must put him behind you and focus on your children x

OP, do you think you might have post natal depression? That might contribute to your feeling worse...

This post is weird. You start of explaining how lovely he is and that you are both the love of each other's life, followed by how he has one child taken away from him and another he has no contact with. Instantly I got alarm bells, so I dont see how you didnt op??? It's going to sound harsh but it's like you pushed aside the red flags when they were right there infront of your face? At the age of 35, after raising 3 children alone and gaining all this independence I dont understand how you allowed this man to come into your life with his fantasies and ruin what you had.

yes he said loads of things to you. Of how you was what he was looking for all his life, he wanted a child, and how he wanted to marry you. But surely by now you know words are just that until they are followed through with. There was no meaning behind them, so until you had a ring on your finger to prove himself why did you trust him enough to get pregnant again and especially so soon? It sounded like it wasnt even what you wanted after finally settling in life, but you gave up that comfort because it's what he "claimed" to have wanted.

As other pps have rightly pointed out we are all sure you are a great mum. And my gosh you must be strong to keep going on after all of this, it sounds truly terrible it really does. But you need to shake this mentality of denial you have gotten yourself into, and come to accept your situation. Otherwise you'll never move on. Stop grieving over someone who wasnt even who they said they was. That dream he sold you was never ever true. From the moment you met. You was sold a lie so there isnt really anything to look back on or miss. Invest that energy into yourself and your baby. Let go of what's happened, what's done is done and learn to forgive yourself. In a way op yes this man sold you a fantasy but your also placing yourself in one and refusing to come out of it.

If I was you I'd delete all the videos and photos, all the false pretences he has left you with. Promise yourself not to make the same mistakes again, and pick yourself up. I truly wish you all the best op. It's hard, but you've got to push back harder

I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.

If there's one thing you need to take on board and make peace with it's that the man YOU THOUGHT he was never existed.

Good you're getting support from mh services are you engaging with them? Following their advice?

You ignored a lot of red flags.

Once you're past the initial crisis you need to do something like the freedom programme to learn to identify and act on red flags in the future

But to be honest I think you're best avoiding relationships altogether for a good while like a couple of years.

You don't deserve this, nobody does, but that doesn't mean you can't work to protect yourself from falling for an abuser again.

I think at this point you need to focus on the future in a positive way, you have 4 wonderful children from the sounds of things, you're getting support, it won't always feel so shit it really won't.

You'll get back up again, and you'll raise your kids, and he will be nothing but a vague shadow in your history.

Don't keep pursuing him it's pointless, all it is, is picking at a scab for you. It'll just cause you bleeding and pain and stopping the wound from healing properly

Sadly what I think you came across is someone with a fetish for impregnation, fairly rare but sadly exists.

I will say this, as he's basically vanished out of your lives that's actually better for your baby than if he kept dipping in and out.

I'm also a single mum and my ex mostly did the dipping in and out again thing and it messes with kids heads. Yes ideally he'd have stuck around and at least co-parented but failing that this really is next best option.

Forget him, he isn't worth your time or heartache

I do think some of the responses are harsh and borderline nasty. To say this is my fault and I've brought it on myself isn't very nice. Furthermore, to say I have problems myself isn't very nice and I question what psychological qualifications are backing them statements up.
No I wasn't 15 when I had my first child. I did it on my own with my older 3, because my husband was in the forces and it eventually drove us to divorce. We are still very good friends and have co-parented positively.
Following that divorce, I was single for many years and spent my time studying law, then getting my degree in midwifery. I then got into a relationship with a very abusive partner, physically and emotionally, that was difficult to leave, but when I did I was single and uninterested for years before I met this current chap (C). I'm by no means dependant on men; financially, physically or emotionally. I don't NEED to be with anyone. Of course I like the company of a partner, don't we all. And when I met C, we got on extremely well and had a good connection. It wasn't just me he fooled, my full family and friends adored him (and that never happens) and they adored us as a couple, as did his family and friends. But my kids and my career have absolutely come first for the last 17 years.
Also, yes I am a midwife and am trained to identify women that require safeguarding. My training goes as far as ensuring the correct multidisciplinary team are involved with each case and the woman and baby are supported by said teams, such as social services. My main role as a midwife is to ensure the obstetric wellbeing of women and babies. Mental health and complex social factors require a more specialised services input.
Additionally, yes I knew about 2 of his children to which he told be a sob story that I believed. He told me the 2nd mum made him go to a contact centre because she was annoyed when he got into another relationship. Again, I'm not a social worker and had no reason to doubt what he said. And as I have previously mentioned, she isn't the nicest of people so could see that being true. I didn't find out about his 3rd child until after he had left me (when I was 28 weeks pregnant).
Time wouldn't have made any difference. He was with the mother of the 1st for 7 years and 2nd and 3rd for 3 years. It wasn't until them babies where born that the relationships broke down and it was the women that kicked him out and ended them relationships. So no, the signs weren't as crystal clear then as they may seem to be now.
Of course its easy to see the red flags when the time is condensed into a paragraph. I'm sure if someone had wrote it out for me, I would of steered well clear.
Yes I did put my trust and love into him, but that is me as a person. I believe people are sincere and good. I always try to be kind to everyone and believe that everyone has got a good heart. More fool me 😔. And that warrants this being my fault which implies I deserve it? I guess everyone is entitled to their opinion and I appreciate you taking the time to give it.
I'm battling with a lot of confusion and hurt, with a 3 week old baby, 3 teenagers, little to no support and hormones going crazy. I posted for positive suggestions on moving forward from all of this, and have received some very supportive and kind replies that have helped. I don't mean to sound rude and please forgive me if it does, please can the brutal messages just be thought to yourself and not posted. Not because I'm in denial about my own responsibilities, but because I want to move forward from them.

I went through exactly this when I was 19 years old. Reading your post made me feel exactly the same as I did back then.

It is now, 22 years later, my defining moment and absolutely my proudest achievement. I’m sure in time you’ll feel the same.

This man is not what or who you thought he was.

He has completely checked out of your relationship and blocked you in every way. Even his family are not interested.

You now need to disassociate from him.

You've been played for sure - and you do have some responsibility to bear here - but what's done is done and you need to focus on moving forward without this prick in your life.

He's done your children a favour by not being around now, and you would be doing them a massive disservice if you allowed him back into your lives to repeat the pattern.

Day by day now
Focus on getting as much help and support with your mental health and the baby
Take off the rose tinted specs and stop replaying soppy videos of someone who treated you appallingly
Make the decision to eradicate him from your say to day life
Plan your return to work
As time goes on it will get easier

You can do this

Jesus Christ talk about people trying to kick OP when she’s down. Stop trying to make her feel bad, she’s low enough already. Hang on in there OP, you’re staying strong for your beautiful family. I suspect in years to come you will feel relieved that he disappeared when he did but that will take a good long while.

Don’t pay any mind to people trying to be nasty. Focus on your beautiful children - your baby is going to be developing in all sorts of wonderful ways soon, don’t let this horrible man steal this away from you by making you feel so terrible that it takes away your joy.

I'm not sure you're seeing him for who he is even now. For you to say you hope he would return in the future and be the perfect partner and dad, shows that you're not in the right place mentally.

After everything he's done why would you want anything to do with him. His track record is awful. Even if he didn't have any kids, the speed with which he wanted you pregnant was a red flag.

The guy sounds unhinged, as does his mum and he pulled you in with false promises when you barely knew him.

All you can do now is look after yourself and your baby. Accept the support of your mum, who sounds great and she has your back.