Please can anyone help me 😪

[NikNut]

I really do not know where else to turn, but I can not cope with this hurt anymore 😞.
I met the most wonderful man just over a year ago. He was kind, considerate, supportive, emotionally mature and stable. After many years alone following a very emotionally and physically abusive relationship, I felt like I had found my happily ever after. I am 35 with a full time career as a midwife and 3 older children, 17, 15 and 12. I brought my children up alone due to ex husband being in the forces and we separated (very amicably) when youngest was 2.
Now this new man moved very quickly. He told me I was what he had spent his life looking for and the connection felt very real. The subject of a baby came up to which I was very reluctant due to my job, having older children and the fear of doing it alone ever again. It became a bit of an issue and I foolishly felt very flattered that this wonderful man wanted to have such a beautiful commitment to me. 3 months later, I was pregnant. This man told me he had 2 children. One aged 12 who was taken away from him after a long court case and now lives in America, and one aged 7 who he had to see in contact centres for many years but now has every other weekend. He told me as all he ever wanted was to be a family and watch his child grow every single day and reassured me of all my fears of ever being alone again. He told my family how he was going to marry me and how he adored me. And I felt that from him. We were very happy and excited for our future with our baby. At 20 weeks pregnant, I told him he needed to give up his rented place 2.5 hours away so he can financially contribute to our new home and the baby. This caused problems and he would leave to go back there for a few weeks at a time until I begged him back 😔.
At 28 weeks, I had to work from home due to covid. I went to work to pick up laptops etc and when I returned, he was gone. We had discussed marriage the night before and been very playful before I left for work. The next 2 weeks were spent with him telling me how he wasn't leaving me but needed space. How he loved and missed me and the bump. How he never wanted to lose me. The third week was spent with him ignoring my messages and calls. I would beg him over and over to come home. He insisted he needed space, so I gave him it and stopped reaching out to him. The 4th week, I called to check in. He told me how he didn't love me and never did and how he wanted me to have the baby adopted!! My full world came crashing down. I left him for a few weeks then on xmas day, I text to tell him I missed him and loved him. He replied saying he didn't want anything to do with me and to message him about the baby only. I replied asking what his intentions where regarding the baby, to which he blocked me on all platforms, along with all my family. I was now 33 weeks pregnant and in such a state. I went to bed every night praying I wouldn't wake up. The pain was unexplainable. I had no explanation. No reasons given and I just couldn't understand why he had changed so much. I contacted his ex and found out there was a 3rd child he had but had abandoned when the relationship broke down when the baby was 8 weeks old. He hasn't seen him since and is now 3 years old 😔.
I was terrified of going into labour alone and having a baby alone. But that is exactly what happened 😔.
I had my baby at 39 weeks, a beautiful baby boy that is the double of his daddy. I was heartbroken that his dad missed the birth and wasn't there for the first few days of his little life. I felt so much guilt towards my innocent baby, that he had been born into so much sadness and didn't have a dad or the perfect life we had planned for him.
I contacted the dad via a friends phone. I sent a photo and a video to him, and his mum announcing the arrival. He read the message and then blocked my friend. No reply 😪.
A week later I tried to call him from withheld number, he declined the calls.
I then sent him an email saying how we needed to discuss our baby and how I didn't care what he had done, we just needed to put the baby first. I begged him to answer his phone, he didn't. My mum called his mum after I completely broke down to her, his mum was very rude, didn't care about her grandson and put the phone down.
I contacted the mother of the child he sees, who was so excited about having a baby brother. The ex told me that he had told the child the baby was "gone". That he had told everyone else I had the baby adopted and that he is with someone else now 😪. I didn't think I could feel any worse than the day he left. I was so wrong.
My baby is now 3 weeks old and everyday gets harder and harder to accept that I'm doing this completely alone. That the amazing guy I met, has completely abandoned him. I just can't seem to move on. I try to be strong for my baby and for my children, but I'm completely broken. I spend all day and all night trying to distract myself to no avail. I'm constantly in tears and feel like this hurt is so heavy on my chest that I'm suffocating with it. This was exactly what I feared, and he knew it. How could anyone be so cold and cruel? I so desperately just want to feel ok. I don't care about being happy, just ok will suffice.
I find myself still wishing and hoping that he comes back 😪. I miss the person that left us. Although I do recognise that that person has long gone.
I have been receiving support from perinatal mental health which has been brilliant. But this hurt just won't subside. Its been 14 weeks since he left 😪 and everyday has got harder to cope with.
Please can anyone suggest anything to help me move forward 😪 x

I am sorry have not meant to upset OP

My point is that once you are able to take responsibility for your choices then you can start to have control back in your life.

The OP is a victim of this person absolutely

She also made a series of decisions which led her to the situation she finds herself in now

Understanding & accepting responsibility for the choices that have created your current circumstances is powerful because you can see the role you played & how you came to be left exposed & vulnerable to s predatory person like this.

My intention is for the OP to reframe her current mindset which is keeping her stuck & focused on this bloke still being the fantasy man she remembers.

She is lost, confused & can't understand - well you will never understand someone like him. What you can learn to understand are your own feelings, deficiencies & behaviours which led to you being vulnerable to a predator in the first place.

This is not "victim blaming" - that is telling OP she is NOT just a victim & to snap out of this victim mentality mindset - in reality she made a series of what are known ill-advised choices & this is where she finds herself.

Knowing you have the power to change & understanding your mistakes is not a bad thing.

She is still very defensive when questioned about such obviously poor decisions - I suspect this is related to why she is still stuck in "disbelief" mode when after 6 months reality should have set in no?

To still be hoping he will come back after this betrayal speaks to a self esteem so low it is practically non-existent. That's where the problem is - he was swooping in to "save OP" - what did she need saving from? Why was what he was offering sound good to OP at the time?

For most having someone they don't really know well wanting a baby with them will drive them away. Instead the OP propelled forward & says she wasn't to know, as he seemed so lovely & reassuring.

Is this just naivety? Or is something else at play? Considering OP is a midwife & has 3 existing older children, it would suggest a mental disorder to me, not just being naive.

I have bipolar so understand sometimes known to make insane life decisions which have a huge impact on me & people around me. Understanding why you have done something is a lot healthier than saying I had no control, it was just my bipolar & was victim to it.

Op, I think some of the harsh responses on here are just trying to give you a reality check that some of your decisions around men show that you’re not really showing good judgement. You’ve had one relationship prior to this one where he was emotionally and physically abusive, and now this one, where there were red flags from the start. People are absolutely championing you in respect of the emotional toll this is having on you, but you do come across that if he rang you tonight, you’d be begging him to come back. And that would be the wrong thing to do because he sounds like a horrible person, and you’d just be setting yourself up for more heart ache. What’s done is done and you need to be strong, just like you were when raising your DCs as a lone parent. You can’t change the past, but you can focus on the future and what’s right for you and your family - which means looking after each other and not given a minutes headspace to this person.

sorry for what you've been through and congratulations for your new baby .
he wont come back,even if he comes back i wouldnt take him. him better disappear for ever.
womens aid has a nice support for such partners (freedom guide something), you need that one.
you sound like a nice (and knowledgeable) person but dont expect everyone is nice like you are. he is at fault, not you- at some sense- because he lied to you,etc. but that doesnt solve your upset.
i wouldnt look at old videos of him or anything else of him. you need to forget him and take him out of your life completely. that nice person never existed (sad but true). thats real life.

Do you have any real life support? People that actually know you as a person?

For me, I often find coming on here for advice actually makes me feel worse.

People don't know you or can never fully understand the situation. Im not talking about anyone on this thread but I think some people are cruel on here just for fun. I had to delete the app for 2 weeks recently. I dreaded picking up my phone.

Are there real life support groups? I think posting here will prolong your heartache.

I'm sorry for what he's done.

OP you sound utterly awesome, thoughtful and kind, an incredible mother. Because you’re so nice you fell victim to a really nasty man. It sucks, people like that should rot in hell for sure.

So with every ounce of your being, leave him to rot in hell. Every time he creeps into your head, chase him out. He has no right to be in your head or your heart. Your baby and older DC and your own happiness are what’s important. He is scum.

I really hope you have RL support. Look forward, not back. I wish you all the luck and strength in the world 💐💐💐

I think what people are trying to say is, yes, using your words, you put your love and trust into him. But you did this within about two weeks of meeting him, and were planing a baby with him not long after. He was a stranger at that point. No one should be loving, trusting, or planning a child with a man they’ve known a few weeks. That’s the concern.

At twenty weeks it was already over, he was leaving for weeks at a time you said, and you had to beg him to come back, again using yout words. So it was fairly obvious at that point it was pretty much over. When you need to beg someone to see you, it’s a bad sign. So it was basically unravelling a few weeks after meeting him and in the early stages of your pregnancy.

It’s not healthy behaviour to become so invested and trusting in someone so quickly. Relationships need to develop. You need to get to know each other over time.

Focus on your children, but safeguard yourself against predators and losers who will take advantage of your trusting nature, and who have no intention of hanging around.

[quote gutful]@RandomMess

• His CMS lies are just that - lies. They will take what he should pay and divide between all 4 DC equally so you will get something, sure they may not be getting much of the arrears but that isn't your problem.

Absolutely put in a claim as £5 per week is still better than nothing.*

100% agree

And watch how quickly the relationship with his other ex’s deteriorates once she puts in a claim & their percentage is affected[/quote]
Absolutely agree. As a step parent I know tbe CMS can be hopeless but it will make his life more difficult. I read somewhere that is takes a week for every month you were with them to get over someone, hope this is true for your sake

Maybe you can look at it this way.
A lot of people are duped into giving away their savings by fraudsters. They truly believe everything the fraudster is telling them because they start with asking for a little, then a bit more, and then a huge amount. And they spend a lot of time being nice and reassuring and working hard to put their victims into a relationship with them.
But to question it at any stage means to admit that you have lost all the previous money and been fooled.
No one wants to admit to being fooled.
You have been taken in by an emotional fraudster. There is no shame in that. In fact, part of the healing from it is to be open and admit what has happened.
The second part is to ask yourself why you fell for it and to work on preventing it happening again, and to teach your children to be good at spotting the signs so it doesn't happen to them.
In this way you can claim back power for yourself and your family.

I am so sorry to read about this. I have read some replies and I think they're unnecessarily cruel.

I'd recommend 'how to heal your heart' by Louise hay.

And the most important thing to remember is that it is NOT YOU. The person you thought you loved wasn't real. And he's now probably doing the same thing to someone else. I was in a relationship with someone similar. They spin lies, make you feel like the most important person in the world, then discard you. They're horrible people.

Sending lots of love to you.

I do really appreciate all your comments.
Maybe there is something fundamentally wrong with me? Everyone else suggests they would be put off by how forthcoming he was, when I saw it as romantic and was swept off my feet. He is a salesman by trade and by god, has the gift of the gab. I went from not wanting another baby ever, to compromising to a year, to being pregnant 4 months later 😪. And now living a life that I not only didn't want, but also feared ever happening. Of course I love my baby, but this is absolutely the last thing I ever wanted.
I can't work out my feelings at the moment. Maybe that is another issue I have to face?
By most peoples comments, I should be nothing but angry. But I'm not. I'm sad. For myself and for my baby. Everything I do with my baby, I feel sad that I'm doing it alone. I feel bitter that C is carrying on with his life like we don't exist. And worse, that he is playing the victim in the process by telling everyone I had the baby adopted!! I feel bitter that he is happy with someone else, while I'm here crying day and night and completely sleep deprived and exhausted. Bitterness isn't a good quality to have 😔.
I honestly can not work out how I feel. I do miss the person I fell in love with. And am struggling to believe that person was fake. So I'm in denial. Another bad quality.
I do want an explanation or some sort of answer from him and I think its despicable that he has left me to not only live with the hurt he's caused, but to also leave me to figure everything out through the torture of silence. But why do I need that explanation? Its ridiculous when his actions have spoken volumes. Inability to let go. Another bad quality.
I've let this sadness completely consume me and I somehow think getting closure from him will eradicate that? Of course it won't.
I wouldn't have him back, for my kids more than for myself. But I do wish the person I fell in love with was real and the future we had planned was being lived. I wish none of this had happened 😪. I wish I could be stronger, I really do. I wish I could see things how everyone who has commented sees them. I wish I could be ok, even just for a day. I don't want to feel like this anymore. Whatever it is I'm feeling 😪

I'm having my baby registered on Thursday and it really is breaking my heart that he will have a blank space where his daddy should be 😪. It feels like another hurdle to get past for me, but for my baby, he will always have that blank space 😪. The hurt I feel for my baby is tenfold what I've ever felt for myself.

Your baby is not going to miss what he never knew. He’s going to have his own fulfilling life. His life won’t be enhanced by a shit father.

A baby can go through life without a dad when the family make the child's life stable and supportive
The guy sounds twisted. You are drawn into the romantic believe of your happy ever after when it was never going to happen.
Only he knows the game he was playing!

You need to stop and not contact him
If he returned he will be using you.
End the need to want to contact him, have him named for child support.
Babies old siblings or a family friend maybe able to provide him with male influence.
I find it all very strange.

Remember you were somehow played.
Get yourself in a good place and focus on baby.. you shouldn't have or rushed is irrelevant now,, be careful look after number one. Yourself

Your baby will be absolutely fine, hopefully he can have other male role models in your extended family. He doesn't need his actual father in his life.

I am so sorry to hear about your pain, it sounds terrible.I read your thread earlier and have been thinking about you since. I have no idea what that man's motivation was, he actually sounds evil to do this - repeatedly by the sounds of things.

I think to move on you need to accept your son as the blessing he is, accept that anyone would have been fooled by his assurances, insane as that now seems and, as you have already said, how on earth could you have known that this is what would happen? This sudden rejection of you and your son coming totally out of the blue is extremely hard to accept and move on from, I can absolutely understand that. If he had acted cold and distant during the previous few months you might have seen it coming in some way and not been quite so traumatised.

You honestly will be fine in time. You will meet new friends through your youngest child, life will be different and you can do this.

God it sounds like he has a fetish for getting women pregnant. No man in his right mind would want to risk pregnancy when they know they're not going to hang around. Sure, there are bastards who will love you and leave you but they wouldn't want to risk getting a woman pregnant.

Really sounds like he gets a kick out of it.

Every day seems to get harder and more painful 😪. Why can I not move past this?

You can’t move past it yet because you’re at the stage of raising a newborn where everything and every emotion is felt ten-fold, you’re sleep deprived, physically and mentally exhausted, and the life you dreamt of has been totally crushed. Do not be hard on yourself or expect too much. It’s easy to be angry when it’s not about you. Can you try to do small little things to look after your physical well being? Eat good healthy food, fruits and veg, lots of water. Meditation (just 10 minute before bed to try to clear your mind using a video on YouTube). A few minutes (wrapped up) in the sunshine whenever it appears, just facing the sun and soaking it in with closed eyes. A hot cup of tea. A soak in the bath or a nap if someone can care for your baby? Just keep repeating the mantra, day by day, minute by minute, it might feel harder now but it will start to get better and you absolutely will not feel like this forever. You will move past this. It will just take time.

I think maybe other people say they would have seen it coming cos maybe they have seen it before or been exposed to those kinds of people in some way. Whether it's through society or books and films. You can't really spot a red flag until you really really know it. And people like that will hook into ANY compassionate or fairytale romance or loving spot you have- because they're manipulative enough to use them for gain instead of appreciating those qualities. Please just take it as a lesson
Maybe there was a bigger more dangerous fraudster down the line that you wouldn't have spotted had you not had this experience to be able to spot them. I've been in your shoes to some extent in the past and now I can dodge bullets a lot better than I would have before.

I keep thinking, what if he was the really lovely man that I met and I did something to make him leave? And never want to come back. I don't know what that is, and I'm going over and over every single detail in my head to try and figure some sort of answer out. Is anyone really just that evil? Can anyone who is that evil, put on an act of being so lovely?

Yes they can. I promise you they can. He is not a good man, he never was a good man. It was a very convincing act.

And it is absolutely, 100% NOT your fault.

I know this thought hurts too, but if it hadn't have been you then it would have been someone else.

This is a huge trauma for you, please be as kind to yourself as possible. It's not your fault. It really isn't.

Yes maybe some people would be turned off by the speed, it's easy to say that when you're not in the situation. I was initially turned off by the speed my ex wanted to move things, but quickly got swept away by it, and I certainly wasn't the only woman who had, there were lots before me that I found out about afterwards.

If you feel up to it then have a little research on covert narcissism. Maybe some YouTube videos. This will get better, it will take time, but it will get better.

Honestly OP, Take it from me, I have been exactly where you are. Please don't feel beaten up bu the posters who are expressing that you have made some daft decisions. Looking back now, i can see that I did. I'm now so shocked at myself and angry that I did.
It isn't your fault thou as in you did'nt ask for any of this. The guy is a serial player. He will make each and every woman feel like their world, and then full stop. Over and over again. It's not because you are not good enough for them. It's an insecurity within themselves. The fact that his family have shut you out speaks volumes. They are aware aware their son is an idiot but are living in denial. My ex and his family are exactly the same. Because my exes other women have'nt worked out, he's using the children to get to me. LIke you, I had therapy from the perinatal mental health team, and 30 weeks of therapy, I woke up. THe posters on here are all correct. You are clinging onto the love bombing part of your relationship. Most abusers love bomb to begin with. It's so classic. They want you to have their babies quickly so they feel secure with you and you are tied down. I promise you, he will be back when his new relationship does not work. He will use your child to get to you. You will probably fall for it, and then he will walk away again and again. Your trust in the relationship has gone now, and so you will feel forever insecure with him. He will blame you for being insecure, demanding and pathetic.
You are not alone. You are available for a very decent guy to come along. But you have got to close the door on this guy. He cannot change and suddenly see the light. He is an abuser, emotionally and psychologically. The only thing your baby is missing out on is being let down repeatedly by this man. Think how awful and let down and desperate you feel right now. Do you want that for your child? I am certain you don't. If this guy can walk away so easily from you, and your baby, and block you.....who does that?

OP, what @ThisTooShallBeFantastic and also @Wishing14 said.
All your emotions are fragile so soon after having your baby, hope you're feeling better very soon, as a pp said, your baby's father seems to get a kick out of this.
You sound like a lovely, trusting person and he has abused and played you, I could punch him on your behalf. Be kind to yourself

Oh OP how truly awful...I know you’re already 5 pages in but I didn’t want to read and run, especially as you’ll probably be up in the night with the baby.

I have recently been through something slightly similar, my eldest are 17 and 14 and the little one 2....I haven’t read the whole thread yet but fwiw it sounds like he does have MH problems (possibly bi-polar)....I have basically just been through 4 months of sheer hell with my DP who didn’t disappear entirely but was massively letting me down. He seems to be through it for now and basically back to how he was before....so what I’m trying to say is for someone to suddenly change like that, there’s got to be some underlying issues unrelated to yourself, possibly some kind of serious childhood trauma.

Nevertheless, it’s beyond crap that you’ve literally been left holding the baby...I was facing being a single mum again (and still might be if it doesn’t work out) and it was DP who really wanted a baby too, more than me tbh so I was gutted when I realised I could be bringing her up alone. How are your older kids finding it? Mine took a long time to adjust but now the little one is a lively toddler they’re loving it. It’s as if she has two extra devoted mums/aunties at her beck and call. The early days are tough but actually I think the big age gap works well as a family unit. I think they’ve had to grow up a lot and were massively helpful when the realised the situation I was facing - my two best friends!...this will bring you all together. It will be ok but for now focus on your beautiful baby - the best bits are coming!

I really feel for you, that is horrible what he has done to you. Pls don’t ever ever let him back into your life or your perfect baby boys life either - he does not deserve either of you. You baby has been sent as your blessing, cherish him and love him and try to see and enjoy these precious early months of his life. You are strong and you will survive and you will find happiness again in your life,
Take control of your thoughts, make a decision how you are going to be and act - and do it. Decide that you are going to survive and going to flourish. This is not the end of the world it’s a new beginning a new chapter and the blessing here is he has gone! Imagine actually living with him now you now what he really is! Don’t try and figure him out you are not a psychologist - but make your plan about what you want from life and achieve it. I do think it helps to remember so many women would give anything to have a beautiful baby like you have got, so focus on him and your other children and he will have a wonderful life. You’re still only young in your 30s, you’ve got healthy children and a good career, focus on that. You just don’t know what is round the corner so stay positive, get your fight back, show your kids what a strong mum is cos you know that you will survive this. Small steps every day to a brighter future, concentrate on short terms goals right now , just enjoy the little things, I can just imagine how hard this must be for you but this can be overcome and you will find happiness again. You are stronger than you have ever realised, I really hope you are ok xxx

Your story is very sad, and you’ve been treated appallingly by this bastard of a man.
Referring back to one of your previous posts. What you saw as “romantic and being swept off your feet” many others would have seen as love-bombing and it would’ve made them wary. For you it seemed to result in him being able to convince you to change your mind re having a fourth baby. But for others it would’ve raised red flags.
I wonder if you’re sad, not angry, because you aren’t yet ready to accept that the real him did actually do this to you and your baby. He is an utter shit, and even if you were able to communicate with him you probably wouldn’t get any answers from him. He’s just a total waste of skin.
But you need to grieve for what you thought your future was going to be. And then maybe the anger will come.
Either way, hopefully at some point you won’t feel the way you do now, in fact hopefully you won’t feel anything about him.
Glad you aren’t putting him on the baby’s BC.