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Original poster

Conflicted - accused of a crime.

178 replies

MamaMiaoff · 26/02/2021 23:10

My male friend has been accused of sexual assault a month ago and I am conflicted.

He met her off a dating app and they started to send dirty texts. They met for a walk, hit if off and decided to met at a house that evening. He says they got on really well. She was all over him within the hour. He said he calmed it down as although he thought he was in for a promise wanted to chat and relax.

He says an hour later she went to get a drink, stood up and felt odd. She then accused him of giving her drugs. He doesn’t do drugs. She called a friend and said he was making her uncomfortable. He said at that point he left as she was shouting at him not to forward the pictures he took that night. He says there was none. Police has his phone.

Over the next few days she sent him many messages. Accusing him of being a bad man, then prayers of saving his soul and saying she was glad she didn’t do anything more with him than kiss. Then next message she is reporting him to the police for being bad? His friends and me told him to ignore her, but save the messages as they were odd. His last message a few days later was please leave me alone.

That day she went to the police and reported that she blanked out for 20 minutes, he spiked her and thinks he did something to her as she was sore in her private areas a few days later.

My friend got arrested, suspended from his job whilst investigation is ongoing. He is destroyed. He has admitted he thought he was in for a sex, but says he wouldn't expect it if she changed her mind. I believe he would never force anyone to do anything. I have been in a relationship with him and he was very respectful. Not the greatest boyfriend, and has a string of failed relationships.

But - Why go through the invasive procedure of a rape kit if the girl was not sure or lying. They didn’t know each other, so it can’t be revenge.

I believe my friend. But small doubts as it’s a traumatic thing to be investigated for by the women and certainly very serious to be lying. Why out yourself through it?

How do I support? What do I do?

OP posts:
NotAgainNoMore · 27/02/2021 00:36

She could just be mentally unhinged but the Police will investigate and find this out for themselves if the messages were all one-sided and no evidence of sex or drugs.

Maybe you and his other friend could go forward as witnesses to how events unfolded after he met her and before she went to the Police?

BlueThistles · 27/02/2021 01:18

Do you believe him ?

RantyAnty · 27/02/2021 06:15

He's lying.

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 06:17

It could be “revenge” for slowing it down on the night and then leaving her. It does sound nutty on her side but, TBF to her, you’re only getting his version.

I think, if I were him, I’d be asking the Police to do a forensic examination of her phone too. There has been at least one instance (I remember coming out in the press) of an accuser texting their mates and admitting to having made up or exaggerated a claim of assault, and the proof of that had been on their phone.

Whether the police will want to go looking for it is another matter. They’re much more predisposed to take a victim at their word these days, particularly for sexual assault claims, so your ex may not get much benefit of the doubt.

In the instance I’m thinking of, they had the data from her phone but were “too overworked” to find it and pushed the matter all the way to court. The accused’s solicitor caught it the day before the trial.

ShaneTheThird · 27/02/2021 06:23

He's lying.

How the fuck could you possibly know that?

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2021 06:25

Did you see her messages?

Op, the truth is she could be she is very unwell mentally, or he could have assaulted her. You can’t tell.

For me, I always believe the woman. Of course it could be the former, she’s ill, but on thr balance of probabilities he is lying. For the simple reason there must be evidence for them to arrest him and for it to have gone this far. If there were no pictures and she had stated they only kissed, then this would have been over quickly and never have got to thr stage of him being suspended from work. In addition if she is so so ill as to behave as he is describing, then there would be a medical history. Plus all the he thought he was guaranteed sex but calmed it down just so they could talk, yeah right.

As said though, it could be she is ill, but personally I’d reserve judgment here, as I think it’s more likely he did assault her.

Anotheronetwo · 27/02/2021 06:27

You can't know for sure right now and that uncertainty is very hard to live with. You can be a supportive friend without knowing though, still checking in with him so he knows he's not alone. Or you can back off until the police finish investigating. I think the important thing is either way, you are not the person who has done something wrong. You just have to work with the information you have right now.

BerylCook · 27/02/2021 06:27

@RantyAnty

He's lying.
WTF? Were you there?
Groovybiscuits · 27/02/2021 06:35

They’re much more predisposed to take a victim at their word these days really? Based on what? Certainly not figures for cases prosecuted.

OP this is very tricky. Personally if it was a close friend I would try to support them. Everyone needs someone.

Oblomov21 · 27/02/2021 06:37

I'm not surprised by all this. There is enough evidence for police to start an investigation, by what you've said.

Who is lying here? One of them is. I feel sorry for him.

FishWithoutABike · 27/02/2021 06:42

It’s extremely unlikely that a woman lies in this type of situation but it does happen. I’d support him for now with a pinch of caution.

Kittykat93 · 27/02/2021 06:54

How can a pp say he is lying?? So fucking wrong, NO ONE on here knows what happened.

Bluntness100 · 27/02/2021 06:55

It is clearly overwhelmingly more likely he has sexually assaulted her. Than she is so so mentally unwell she behaved as he described. But that doesn’t mean it’s not possible. Of course it is, it is unusual they were texting, met for a walk etc and he never noticed how very ill she was.

The whole he thought he was going there because she was going to habe sex with him, she was the one all over him, he was the one who said no to sex so they could just chat, she’s a nutter thing, does not sit right with me at all.

In addition if what he is saying is correct, then the police will quickly know that, because you’re saying she texted saying they only kissed that night. So why would it ever get to thr stage of him being suspended from work. Possible but again unlikely.

If she is falsely accusing him, as opposed to no evidence he committed S crime, then she will be arrested. It’s possible she is, but his story is very unlikely based on the story he is giving and the police actions.

Heyahun · 27/02/2021 06:56

My friend was accused of similar - it apparently happened at my house as at the time we were younger and had a big house share!

I was even phoned by the police about it and questioned

They met in a night out m. She came back with him, started kissing etc, then she freaked out and asked him to call her a taxi - he did and she went home

A few days later police are involved!

In the end it turned out she had a boyfriend and she had cheated and freaked out so decided to say she was spiked and forced back to my friends house !!

An awful thing to accuse someone of!

It does seem your friends situation has gone a bit further thought with him being suspended from work/phone taken etc

But hopefully if he is truthful then they will quickly realise that

lolulop · 27/02/2021 07:14

In the end it turned out she had a boyfriend and she had cheated and freaked out so decided to say she was spiked and forced back to my friends house !!

My friend works in sex crimes & false accusation are mainly related to covering up something else although she's had the odd one driven by spite. Difficult to know in this situation.

TheRulesDontApplyToMe · 27/02/2021 07:20

I’m intrigued to know what drug was used, that she passed out for only 20 minutes.

Changeychange1 · 27/02/2021 07:24

I would just wait for the findings of the investigation if I was you.

Carolbaskinstiger · 27/02/2021 07:28

This happened to a friend of mine. Almost exactly the same - except it was two males.

He was arrested at the time (man called the police there and then). Kept in a cell for 24hrs, questioned etc. It turned out the guy had done the same thing about 3 times before and was very unwell.

Original poster
MamaMiaoff · 27/02/2021 07:35

Thanks guys. I have seethe messages and they are odd. Going from accusations without saying what it is, to saying nothing happened. Very preachy.

Suspended as he has a job that requires an enhanced dbs. He told his employers and they are following protocol.

Phone taken and investigated as the police say they have to, as she says she can’t remember. I think they have red too.

I do believe him. But why would the girl put herself through this and report 2 days later. I have heard him tel the story a few times to a councillor, dr and lawyer over the phone. It’s been consistent.

OP posts:
Jenala · 27/02/2021 07:39

No one can say he's definitely lying, or that it's way more likely to have happened than not. Even if false accusations aren't common, and are way less common than actual sexual assault, they're not vanishingly rare either. A friend of a friend is in prison for repeated false accusations. No one can possibly say on here what this case is.

If things are as he says then some evidence should bear his story out - for example if there really are no pictures, if he ignored her and the texts were one sided and ending with her telling him to leave her alone, and if they really didn't have sex then presumably a rape kit won't show anything either.

There have been cases of police ignoring messages in the accusers phone that show the accuser is lying - see the case of Liam Allen who is now involved in an organisation www.thedefendant.org.uk so I'd feel very sorry for him if it's not him who is lying.

Sunflowergirl1 · 27/02/2021 07:43

The police should have taken her phone to..they will down load them both and not just texts...they will look at the rest like FB, Snapchat, whatsapp.

In the end unless he is admitting what she accuses him of, or there is some physical evidence e won't be from what he has said then it won't go anywhere at all...her word against his. Hence why the conviction rate for rape is 0.5%.

This doesn't mean that he won't go through hell for the next few months. I assume he has been interviewed but if not he needs legal advice

DavidsSchitt · 27/02/2021 07:48

"it is unusual they were texting, met for a walk etc and he never noticed how very ill she was"

😂 trying to imagine how you'd expect her to be behaving on this walk

peak2021 · 27/02/2021 08:04

Unfortunately you are probably going to have to wait a while before knowing more, unless charges are not pursued/dropped. Not good for both the woman concerned and your friend to be in this kind of limbo for a while.

I can understand that you may have thought you knew your friend's character, and the doubts or even shock this must bring. Even more so if he has committed the offence and is convicted.

PaterPower · 27/02/2021 08:04

“They’re much more predisposed to take a victim at their word these days really? Based on what? Certainly not figures for cases prosecuted.”

Well I could base it on the College of Policing’s own guidance that says officers should take a victim’s complaint at face value and a crime recorded until proven otherwise. Or I could quote the Henriques report on Operation Midland (Carl Beech).

I don’t disagree that the investigation and prosecution of sexual assault claims are way too low, but there are a lot of reasons for that, including the lack of witnesses and disputes on consent.

But then, unless you’re very stupid or very unlucky, you’re unlikely to get caught and successfully prosecuted for ANY crime these days, apart from murder.

To quote the BBC:
“In 2018-19, fewer than 8% of offences led to a suspect being charged or ordered to appear in court, and under 4% were dealt with outside court, by an on-the-spot fine, caution or community resolution, such as an apology or compensation.”

Original poster
MamaMiaoff · 27/02/2021 08:10

@Sunflowergirl1 I think they have. They have his phone, so assume hers too. Don’t know if she had a rape kit done. Assume she did as he had to be swabbed etc. To compare. How long does it take?

He is not the best judge of character and gets swayed by new shiney things. But I wouldn’t of said attacker.

The lawyer says her account doesn’t fit together as the story has been changed by her 3 times. But we know trauma can do this.

OP posts: