Parents haven’t left the house since last Feb and don’t seem to plan to

[Carolbaskinstiger]

Am at a bit of a loss. I may be being unreasonable but am starting to worry.
Parents are in mid 70’s, but fit and healthy and not in a vulnerable category. The only two times they’ve left the house, at all, we’re once last summer to doorstep drop a present to me. And then to get their first vaccine.

I spoke to them yesterday to tentatively ask if they’d be interested in a holiday at a private house with us in August (bit no pressure). The reaction was as if I’d asked them to walk into a pit of crocodiles, and my mum said “well by summer we may perhaps go for walks.

They will be fully vaccinated by then.

While of course I am so glad they are safe - I’m getting worried about them if I’m honest. When I say they’ve been nowhere except those - I mean nowhere. And they don’t seem to be likely to want to change this for (as jun said) another year.

I think it will probably take tentative steps to begin, they have to come out their comfort zone without going into their panic zone. This might be short journeys in big open spaces at first. The first few outings will most likely be difficult but hopefully they'll get used to it. Are they waiting for their second vaccine and then planning on going out? How do they seem emotionally/mentally? Often the fear of doing something is much greater than the reality and the longer they've gone without going out the harder it will be.

You could encourage lightly perhaps (after their second vaccine might be more persuasive if that's due soon).

Second vaccine is booked for early April. Oddly I think open spaces still may frighten them. To give an idea - they are still spraying down shopping etc. Which is fine and probably a good idea, but that’s where they are at.

Mentally ok - but my DM in particular seems a bit covid obsessed (which of course loads of people are). She’ll send vaccine news to my family what’s group (which is all photos of cousins kids etc), and was trying to persuade me back last summer to not go out anywhere myself.

She has always been a bit on the health anxious side - didn’t eat beef for years after bse scare - will take notice of whatever the DM is saying is bad for you this week. Until covid she worked in a drs surgery.

I think if they have in mind starting to go out for walks that's enough right now. Lots of people won't feel comfortable going on holidays or picking up things they used to do this year.

It's been a massive change and a huge sense of looming danger, it will take time to feel safe and comfortable. That transition will be more successful if taken slowly.

didn’t eat beef for years after bse scare

Tbh given what we now know that was pretty sensible.

@user1936784158962 the walks are planned for about JUly/August. I don’t want to rush them at all - but of course I miss my parents.

My parents are a bit similar. They're in their 70s and live in Ireland, where people seem to take it all more seriously. My DF in particular has barely been outside, even for a walk, to the point that I am worried for his fitness. Luckily he is working from home which keeps him busy.

They both seem to have settled into a new status quo, and I'm wondering if they will ever get back to the full and active life they lived before.

To give an example - my dad spoke to their neighbours over the fence (just by the shrug borders alone we are probably talking 4 - 5 metres - my mum got a bit hysterical over it.

Sorry am brain dumping a bit as not really got anyone to go to with it.

@TheYearOfSmallThings I think that’s what worries me. They were active - mum was working, dad had a decent social group of walking friends. All gone now.

I’m not planning on going away either. The virus is still here as is SD, masks etc and I just don’t see the enjoyment in a holiday this year. Hopefully for 2022 but not convinces we won’t have any peak.

It wasn’t so much about the holiday (I knew that was a long shot but would have felt bad if didn’t ask). It was more that “oh we won’t be going out really until 2022

Tbeu are fit and healthy - but seriously two years at home? I don’t know that they would be after that.

My parents are similar & tbh I’m glad for now, they’ve had the first jab & once they’ve had the second and if the data shows that it is effective against the ever increasing new variants then they’ll ease up, but committing to plans at the moment is premature.

I’d rather stick with it for now & hope that their (possibly overcautious) approach means I potentially have them for longer, it would be devastating for them to have made the sacrifices they have to fall at the last hurdle. I haven’t hugged my Dad for a year and it breaks my heart, but I understand it & will wait until they’re ready & feel safe.

They sound anxious, but frankly in their 70s that’s probably not completely unreasonable. Putting pressure on them to go from 0 to 60 by going on holiday is probably a bit much.

Holiday is step too far I think.

Just stay positive with them - tell them that you are glad they are planning on some walks as summer arrives; and just give them support in general.

Once they are out and walking, maybe they might feel able to meet in the garden.

Softly, softly I think. They are more vulnerable than you and need to emerge at a pace that they feel happy with. At least they have each other.

I just think you have to respect their decision ... my DPs are the complete opposite - 88 & 90 but refuse to 'stay home' .... walking, shopping, picking up takeaways etc most days.

It’s a shame they haven’t felt able to go out for walks. I’ve been shielding and we have been advised to exercise and I really feel the benefit. Would it help to show them that advice? Understand that a shop etc would be too much but a quiet walk (even a short drive away) could make a lot of difference. Are they able to get exercise at home? I know there are online classes, gardening etc but I found it hard when I wasn’t allowed to walk.

It might sound a bit mad but we did a walk in the countryside in the dark this week, at 6pm, and it was lovely with not a single soul around except an owl.

I think people will struggle to come out after the lockdown. It's ingrained now. Not just people in their 70's but different ages too.
I am sure as the statistics get lower, they may feel more comfortable about going away.

@Carolbaskinstiger

It wasn’t so much about the holiday (I knew that was a long shot but would have felt bad if didn’t ask). It was more that “oh we won’t be going out really until 2022

Tbeu are fit and healthy - but seriously two years at home? I don’t know that they would be after that.

Honestly? I think you're right to worry.

That level of caution is verging on the extreme.

Not sure how you'll get them to come out of it though

For those saying their parents are similar - I mean they have not left the house except on two occasions. That’s it. So all through last summer etc. Nowhere.

Not just during the lockdowns or tiers. The entire time except for the two occasions mentioned.

I honestly don’t know of anyone else who’s done the same.

Obviously I want them to be safe - but am worried to be honest about what potentially the amount of time they’lol have spent indoors (and seek to want to continue to do so) will affect them but mentally and physically.

I think you are right to be concerned. Once you have all been vaccinated, would something such as lunch at your house be a starting point?

i hope they are taking vitamin D, and remaining physically active?

it is a worry if people are not getting exercise, they are more at risk of falls.

@Carolbaskinstiger I think you’re right to be worried as their behaviour is no way proportionate to the risk. Do you think speaking to a health professional might help? Are you worried they’ve become agoraphobic?

I can’t believe people are being so blasé about this - I consider this an extreme reaction / level of fear. I have similar concerns about a family member and feel very worried they have developed a form of agoraphobia because of this. They have already said they won’t go on a plane again which to me is sad because they were a frequent and enthusiastic traveller and have potentially another 25 years ahead of them! My plan is to go over and encourage walks as a start, hopefully stop for a takeaway coffee... baby steps.

@Carolbaskinstiger

For those saying their parents are similar - I mean they have not left the house except on two occasions. That’s it. So all through last summer etc. Nowhere.

Not just during the lockdowns or tiers. The entire time except for the two occasions mentioned.

I honestly don’t know of anyone else who’s done the same.

Obviously I want them to be safe - but am worried to be honest about what potentially the amount of time they’lol have spent indoors (and seek to want to continue to do so) will affect them but mentally and physically.

Mine are practically the same, in the whole of the past year they've only been out in the car to pick up click and collect orders very infrequently, no more than once every 3 months, just when they couldn't get a home delivery, they've had home delivery for everything almost all of the time, and out for 2 GP visits and their 1st vaccine. They're not making any plans to change at the moment either.

I do wonder about the effects of staying in so long but they're always out in the garden (when weather allows), they're doing exercise at home and we Facetime a lot so I think they'll do ok. They do happily talk to neighbours over the bushes though and they're very cautious, eg wiping everything down, but just do it as a matter of course, they don't seem panicked by it, your mum getting hysterical over a conversation at 4m outside sounds a little more worrying.