Parents haven’t left the house since last Feb and don’t seem to plan to

[Carolbaskinstiger]

Am at a bit of a loss. I may be being unreasonable but am starting to worry.
Parents are in mid 70’s, but fit and healthy and not in a vulnerable category. The only two times they’ve left the house, at all, we’re once last summer to doorstep drop a present to me. And then to get their first vaccine.

I spoke to them yesterday to tentatively ask if they’d be interested in a holiday at a private house with us in August (bit no pressure). The reaction was as if I’d asked them to walk into a pit of crocodiles, and my mum said “well by summer we may perhaps go for walks.

They will be fully vaccinated by then.

While of course I am so glad they are safe - I’m getting worried about them if I’m honest. When I say they’ve been nowhere except those - I mean nowhere. And they don’t seem to be likely to want to change this for (as jun said) another year.

@Nuitsdesetoiles

My friend who's a university professor FFS is being controlled by her perfectly fit, healthy, non vulnerable partner. He's accusing her of "murdering" him each time she leaves the house. She's broken by it. It takes me talking sense into her on a regular basis about his disproportionate and abusive behaviour for her to realise what an idiot he's being. This whole situation has brought out the worst in people, or revealed their true colours

I think there's something in that, it has given some people the opportunity to unleash controlling and/or neurotic behaviours that probably wouldn't have been tolerated or which they wouldn't have dared show. It has been a very clarifying year I find, you really see people's true colours

It's unlikely he's controlling. Much more likely he's just plain scared.

The disproportionate scaremongering by this government has a hell of a lot to answer for.

And yes, we're going to have a huge proportion of people who will suffer health anxiety and agoraphobia for a long time. Probably a lot of OCD behaviours as well, trying to get back some control in a world that feels uncontrollable.

OP, it sounds like your mum is driving most of this - have you spoken to your dad separately at any point? I wonder if the two of you could maybe brainstorm some ideas to encourage your mum gently to start resuming some outdoor activity once she's had her second vaccine dose? Walks outdoors would be an obvious starting point, and they really should be doing this anyway to maintain their physical health.

Although if she reads the DM... well... it's going to be an uphill struggle, I'd think.

@Jeremyironseverything

It's unlikely he's controlling. Much more likely he's just plain scared.

Absolutely it's controlling. Trying to prevent your partner from going for a perfectly reasonable walk in the fresh air with a mate by bullying and manipulation using fear tactics is abusive. He's very low risk, like the majority of the population. We've been massively manipulated. Well not all of us as some of us are able to think critically and assess our own risk.

@Jeremyironseverything

It's unlikely he's controlling. Much more likely he's just plain scared.

Yes well then he needs to learn to manage his own fears not accuse his spouse of murdering him when she steps outside the door. Or he might find himself with no one available to murder him.

A friend of my Mum is exactly the same. I've said to my Mum on more than one occasion if she was behaving like that I'd be out my mind with worry. Her friend has literally only been out for her vaccine since last March. She doesn't go out at all & like your parents still washes all her shopping. She's also terrified of people coming in her house. She had to have someone in for an essential repair and she sat in her bedroom crying while he was in she was so anxious

Pre covid she did voluntary work and had a great social life. Its heart breaking to see what she's like now.

Completely this. I was never overly keen but this has solidified how selfish he is. I can see her get more and more anxious as our walks progress knowing what she's going back to in terms of the barrage of accusations she'll face. She's not vulnerable, I'm not and he's not. If you're not vulnerable I cannot accept why you're scared. And if you are keep it to yourself don't inflict your fear on me! Are most people just a bit lacking in intelligence being this scared when they have no reason to be? Can they not analyse and weigh up evidence?

I went out with another friend when we could go for meals briefly. She ruined the occasion with her anxious and disproportionate hand wringing throughout. It was really irritating. I know I should have more empathy but I'm all out of it, if you're not vulnerable you have statistically a very very low risk of coming to any harm. And before the "no underlying conditions in ICU" screechers start the vast majority of those who've died in that category are obese. Which is an underlying health condition.

I politely suggested to the meal friend that maybe she should refrain from social occasions if she was going to inflict her fear on people.

I have utmost sympathy for the genuinely vulnerable, such as one of my colleagues who's fear is valid. It's horrible to see her suffer.

I think people’s behaviour is relative to risk, I was always fairly sure that I probably wouldn’t survive COVID so have been mostly at home since last March. All shopping delivered, did have a couple of haircuts and an outside pub lunch in the summer, no supermarkets. I do live in a house with a garden and don’t have school age kids.

I am so looking forward to life getting a bit more back to normal and will only have a problem if places are overly crowded. I’ve also had the first dose of the vaccine and that it reassuring. I miss my friends, the theatre, eating out and travelling. Not everyone who has chosen to stay home has issues, just been careful.

Of course this whole scenario could have been different maybe if the selfish rule breakers has listened to advice and stayed within guidelines and I don’t agree with shops like the range being open, people can manage without this endless need to go shopping.

Yes, we are seeing this in our family. A jealous controlling husband (80) has now got the excuse to totally close the doors on any contact for his wife (75) and his MIL (99) who lives with them. He also doesn’t think the vaccine is a good idea & is currently refusing the vaccine for them.

My quote didn’t work - was in response to control.

skeggycaggy

Yes, we are seeing this in our family. A jealous controlling husband (80) has now got the excuse to totally close the doors on any contact for his wife (75) and his MIL (99) who lives with them. He also doesn’t think the vaccine is a good idea & is currently refusing the vaccine for them.“

Have you reported this coercion to their GP (or even police?). He’s putting their lives at risk.

My parents haven't been out since March and as they are mid 80s I think that's very sensible. Myself, since March I've only been to work, the dentist and about three shops. I don't intend going anywhere I don't have to for a while yet.

@Molly499

I think people’s behaviour is relative to risk, I was always fairly sure that I probably wouldn’t survive COVID so have been mostly at home since last March. All shopping delivered, did have a couple of haircuts and an outside pub lunch in the summer, no supermarkets. I do live in a house with a garden and don’t have school age kids.

I am so looking forward to life getting a bit more back to normal and will only have a problem if places are overly crowded. I’ve also had the first dose of the vaccine and that it reassuring. I miss my friends, the theatre, eating out and travelling. Not everyone who has chosen to stay home has issues, just been careful.

Of course this whole scenario could have been different maybe if the selfish rule breakers has listened to advice and stayed within guidelines and I don’t agree with shops like the range being open, people can manage without this endless need to go shopping.

Agree with most of this and sorry your life has been so restricted for so long but the "selfish rule breakers" thing is a myth. People have been largely compliant apart from the self isolating. The virus has predominantly spread in households and at work. People haven't been compliant as much with self isolating as people aren't breaking it to go to the shops they've broken it to go to work as if they don't they may not be able to afford bills/food. Lots of people are understandably more scared of poverty than covid. I know a few people that have worked when they shouldn't. They couldn't afford not to. Not everyone has cushty furlough/working from home/guaranteed income.

It's also selfish to suggest people should remain cowering away in their homes long term. Goes both ways.

I understand their view to some extent. I’m in my 50s and asthmatic and I will not be going anywhere, doing anything or seeing anyone until I’m safely vaccinated.

When that day comes, I’m sure it will take time to fully overcome the anxiety that the last year has caused. I have every intention of getting back to a full life, when it’s safe to do so, but it will be baby steps at first. I’m certainly not booking any holidays for this summer yet.

Well, I know of 3 fit and healthy people in their 70s who caught vivid and died from it. Let them stay safe for a while longer - the end is in sight.

Covid not vivid

We had lockdown for a long time and people did comment on how they felt a bit anxious when the restrictions were finally lifted. Some hesitated going out for a while longer.

I have only been out once so far this year. I already had issues but believe I've developed agoraphobia.

I don't think the mental impact of covid and lockdowns have really been addressed.

That seems quite extreme. My DPs (80s/90s) have taken lockdown seriously (still wiping down shopping, remove front cover from newspapers), but have gone out for daily walks pretty much throughout.

I don’t think that you can stay fit and healthy if you don’t leave the house for a year unless you have a rigorous home exercise routine and spend a lot of time in your garden. I can see that someone who maintains a large garden might be OK, but otherwise it sounds very worrying.

My DM isn't as extreme as your's op but she is very anxious and worried about leaving her house. She's had the first jab and I have a feeling that when she's had the second she will remain cautious for years to come. I think she'll say it's not 100% immunity and continue staying indoors

A couple of family members have spoken to her about it and she's became v defensive. I haven't said a word about it, best to just let her do what she feels safest doing and I think if you push your opinions on your parents too much you may create problems

There is absolutely no reason not to go out for walks. Honestly, you are not going to catch Covid out in the fresh air. DH is one of the most vulnerable you could find. He walked every day during lockdown 1, played sports in the summer & goes to work in a Covid safe environment now. He hasn't been to restaurants or other people's houses but he does plenty of outdoor stuff.

One thing that interests me, most of the people who are high risk of complications from covid were the same group who would be likely to have complications from the flu or many other viruses, yet didn't feel thr need to lock themselves away previously. Was it that they didn't quite understand the risk before now and will continue to lockdown now they "get it", or is this somehow more scary? (The annual flu jab isn't as effective as one jab of covid vaccine, yet many who would say they were vaccinated from flu dont feel safe to be out and about after 1 covid jab)

@shavenraven sounds very much like my mum. Even her older sisters have tried to raise it (and one is pushing 80). I mainly haven’t as - to be honest until now I’m glad, on the whole, that they’ve been cautious.

I’m more concerned about the future and like you think it’s now going to be “well the vaccine isn’t 100% effective”.

Of course age makes them in a risk group - but that is literally it. No health issues etc, not shielding category etc.

My parents didn’t go out - older than yours - but my mum was first in hospital and frailty nurse said they’re seeing lots with falls and lots with problems, as mobility declines very quickly over 70 and also cognitive decline is increased by the smallness of the interaction- my mum’s anxiety is incredibly high now following on from all this, really impacting on her life massively. My dad ended up having a bad fall in the home and with other things didn’t make it. It’s sad that the last year was people’s last year as it wasn’t the best. I guess if the elderly are doing exercise, getting fresh air in the garden, interacting remotely that helps physically and cognitively - but the anxiety around going out is also going to be there for many and it becomes an issue if it’s reducing quality of life. Very sad the impacts of this are so far reaching.

This is really sad to read, OP. They must be living in constant fear of exposure. It does sound more driven by your mum than your dad though - can you try to talk to him about it?