Parents haven’t left the house since last Feb and don’t seem to plan to

[Carolbaskinstiger]

Am at a bit of a loss. I may be being unreasonable but am starting to worry.
Parents are in mid 70’s, but fit and healthy and not in a vulnerable category. The only two times they’ve left the house, at all, we’re once last summer to doorstep drop a present to me. And then to get their first vaccine.

I spoke to them yesterday to tentatively ask if they’d be interested in a holiday at a private house with us in August (bit no pressure). The reaction was as if I’d asked them to walk into a pit of crocodiles, and my mum said “well by summer we may perhaps go for walks.

They will be fully vaccinated by then.

While of course I am so glad they are safe - I’m getting worried about them if I’m honest. When I say they’ve been nowhere except those - I mean nowhere. And they don’t seem to be likely to want to change this for (as jun said) another year.

My dad lives alone and is similar.
He will take the dog for a short walk up the road in no one is around, if he sees someone he will rush back to the house.
He still wipes shopping down, and wipes door handles that only he has touched !

Mine are the same OP, it’s worrying. My dad has some health conditions so can’t walk much but he does have a wheelchair so they could still get out for a short walk. I’m worried for their mental health and also muscle wastage etc. They won’t see us as we are too risky with the children and key worker job.

Can you try talking to your dad first. Frame it as you are worried he's going to avoid covid but damage his health another way - the lack of exercise is a huge problem at their age as once fitness is gone its very hard to get back.

Frame it as now they've had their vaccine, they are unlikely to get very sick from catching covid, but are very likely to become very unwell from their lack of exercise.

Point out when the kids go back on 8th, from around 9:10am (when parents doing drop off are back home) to around 3pm, the streets will be a lot emptier and would be a good time to start getting a couple of miles in.

Keep on that focusing on one health issue while ignoring others isn't a good plan.

Gosh that is worrying and also other posters have the same thing going on. My worry is that they have now got in to the mindset that anything outside is a danger. They might be a little less cautious when lockdown is fully lifted. Being inside creates a chasm of constant news watching or on tenterhooks listening to the BBC News. They may listen to Boris when he says its ok? I would definitely encourage little by little, not quite now but when the stay at home order is lifted. They are safe, well and alive which is just fantastic but mentally they just need to shift their mindset. It will take time I think. Good luck xx

Softly, softly I think.

I agree, baby steps at first. If you live near maybe you could winkle them out for an early morning or evening walk, maintaining distance and chatting. Then maybe a walk bringing flasks of tea, or driving somewhere nice to walk nearby.

I can't do these things because I can't travel to Ireland (work, school, would have to isolate), but I think once they get out a bit they will become less rigid. It's harder to maintain the apocalyptic mindset when you see ordinary life going on all around you.

I have barely been out since last February too, I was only out for a bit in the summer as a relative was in hospital. Otherwise I have been to the hairdressers twice and the dentist twice and that is it.

I don’t feel there is anything wrong with me though and relatives do not need to worry about me. I will go out when I am ready, my first thought is not for a family holiday though and to be honest I would be mortified at that suggestion too. Meeting somebody for coffee will be my first outing.

@Aprilx - what about exercise?

Could you maybe start with going out by yourself for walks then building in buying a takeaway coffee by yourself, then adding a friend in for a joint exercise walk / coffee ?

I do feel going straight into meeting with others will be harder than just getting out by yourself and used to it again.

It's the exercise that worried me most. If people never want to go supermarket shopping or clothes shopping in person it won't cause them harm. But seeing family or friends (once it's safe) and outdoor exercise (which has always been safe) seem fairly essential for mental health

[quote MargosKaftan]@Aprilx - what about exercise?

Could you maybe start with going out by yourself for walks then building in buying a takeaway coffee by yourself, then adding a friend in for a joint exercise walk / coffee ?

I do feel going straight into meeting with others will be harder than just getting out by yourself and used to it again. [/quote]
I could do with more exercise for sure. I have two dogs so I walk them although DH walks them more often than me. We are rural though so rarely see anyone else, I would have to drive to get a coffee, it would be a big outing for me. 😊

I am really worried about people like this. I volunteer with a good neighbours scheme to do shopping and prescription pick ups for people who are shielding etc.

I've come across so many people like this. The most worrying was a woman whose husband had decided he was at risk, (though doctor says not) and so not only will be not go out, but he won't let her either. She obviously craved a doorstep chat when I dropped the stuff off, but couldn't allow herself more than a minute. I almost feel we're enabling them.
My own next door neighbours have barely left the house since last Feb either.

There is so much fear, and people are becoming agarophobic now.

I do think your parents have been excessively fearful OP and understand your concerns. I feel that outdoor walks in places that are not over crowded are absolutely fine and it's sad they haven't felt able to do something like that.

My dad is 87 and has lived alone since my mother died just before the pandemic started. He is very cautious. Initially he exercised within the house, even avoiding the garden. But for a long time he has taken daily walks outside - he knows where to go to avoid crowds. He also let neighbours do his shopping for a while but then worked out the quiet times to shop. I don't think he has taken any risks in what he has been doing.

I've also met up with him, keeping a social distance, a couple of times, but not since last summer.

It's one thing to be sensible and minimise risks, but I think for some people a lot of fear has built up unnecessarily.

A lot of my friends have wfh from the start, whereas I have been in and out of work. We have clear guidance and the vast majority of the time I have felt quite safe at work. On occasion I've worried I got too close to someone for too long, but I haven't caught covid. Several colleagues have but none seem to have caught it from another colleague (as far as one can tell).

I have left my house twice since last February, once in August for an urgent optician appointment and once in November for my flu jab.

There is nowhere worth the risk going to. I am 51 with health conditions, no vaccine yet.

I think they are being very sensible.

My mum is the same and it worries me...she has put on a shedload of weight and got....a bit odd. I'm glad she's keeping safe from covid but think she is harming herself in other ways :(

I think taking the first walk after their second vaccination will give them the confidence to do more. I understand the need for that second vaccination first though.

@Ragwort

I just think you have to respect their decision ... my DPs are the complete opposite - 88 & 90 but refuse to 'stay home' .... walking, shopping, picking up takeaways etc most days.

Good for them to be honest.

As a general point - and I've had to tell this to myself - we don't get to treat our parents like children just because they are getting older.

Dh is one of the shielded and after spending months indoors he was losing the plot and was frightened to go out

We had to force him out of the house and it took several attempts for him to get out of the car, let alone go into a supermarket.
This time the effects of the first lockdown frightened him so much that despite having a letter to say he needed to shield again he has carried on. The cure was worse than the disease.

I think there is going to be an enormous rise in agoraphobia cases

@saraclara

I am really worried about people like this. I volunteer with a good neighbours scheme to do shopping and prescription pick ups for people who are shielding etc.

I've come across so many people like this. The most worrying was a woman whose husband had decided he was at risk, (though doctor says not) and so not only will be not go out, but he won't let her either. She obviously craved a doorstep chat when I dropped the stuff off, but couldn't allow herself more than a minute. I almost feel we're enabling them.
My own next door neighbours have barely left the house since last Feb either.

There is so much fear, and people are becoming agarophobic now.

Interesting point about enabling what are potentially very damaging and worrying behaviours long-term, especially in the case where you describe where one person is controlling the others activity. My view is that we should all take care of our own business for as long as we can and as well as we can and with sensible precautions there is no real reason why the vast majority of people can't be now doing their own shopping, leaving the house and garden to take exercise and weaning off the dependence on other people which has built up and which is frankly, not sustainable. I did a lot for an elderly neighbour in the first lock down in Ireland last spring - a few things happened to him aside from the lockdown - but I was quite clear with him in a nice way that once I went back to the office, children to school etc I simply wouldn't be able to drop everything to run errands for him, he would have to give me notice, engage other services etc. Luckily, he is a very independent man and at nearly 90 is back happily running his own affairs which is better for HIM.

@meanbald

I have left my house twice since last February, once in August for an urgent optician appointment and once in November for my flu jab.

There is nowhere worth the risk going to. I am 51 with health conditions, no vaccine yet.

I think they are being very sensible.

I am not trying to be provocative, honestly, but how can you stand that? Are you not going out of your mind? You must have much better reserves than I have. I can't even bear to have a really bad cold that keeps me housebound for a few days.....

The thought of going from nothing to a holiday in a relatively short time was too big to start with. Maybe suggesting cups of tea in the garden is the way to begin.
We won’t be doing anything much except seeing a very limited group of loved ones and friends this year, once everyone is fully vaccinated. We’re content with that until things pan out, holidays, for us, are for next year. Our youngest starting university and a family Christmas are our biggest goals this year and we’re just 61 (CEV) and 56.

My parents have become a bit like this too. We're going to see a lot of this due to the disproportionate fear narrative we've been peddled for the last year and the inability of lots of people to think critically and analytically which has whipped the population up into a fear fuelled frenzy.

Lots of people have self diagnosed themselves as "vulnerable" as they seem to either paradoxically enjoy living in fear and/or relish the special status in confers them. I also think vast numbers of people enjoy the nothingness of this life... Not having to do or plan anything apart from shopping, an excuse to not socialise. We've been forced to live like this as we've left the fear narrative unchallenged and been all smug and self congratulatory about following the "rules". I've seen the be true colours of a number of "friends" throughout all of this.

Next door have 2 visitors in their back garden. Am I frothing at the mouth at their "rule breaking" no I'm glad they're realising the nonsense of it and enjoying themselves.

I agree it’s worrying and I think there will be thousands of people like this who will barely leave the house again, many with full blown agoraphobia.

Many people’s lives will never be the same again.

My friend who's a university professor FFS is being controlled by her perfectly fit, healthy, non vulnerable partner. He's accusing her of "murdering" him each time she leaves the house. She's broken by it. It takes me talking sense into her on a regular basis about his disproportionate and abusive behaviour for her to realise what an idiot he's being. This whole situation has brought out the worst in people, or revealed their true colours

What a load of bollox

Sorry that was to nuit