Parents haven’t left the house since last Feb and don’t seem to plan to

[Carolbaskinstiger]

Am at a bit of a loss. I may be being unreasonable but am starting to worry.
Parents are in mid 70’s, but fit and healthy and not in a vulnerable category. The only two times they’ve left the house, at all, we’re once last summer to doorstep drop a present to me. And then to get their first vaccine.

I spoke to them yesterday to tentatively ask if they’d be interested in a holiday at a private house with us in August (bit no pressure). The reaction was as if I’d asked them to walk into a pit of crocodiles, and my mum said “well by summer we may perhaps go for walks.

They will be fully vaccinated by then.

While of course I am so glad they are safe - I’m getting worried about them if I’m honest. When I say they’ve been nowhere except those - I mean nowhere. And they don’t seem to be likely to want to change this for (as jun said) another year.

@MsJinks. That is very sad about your Dad, and your mum too, I'm sorry for your loss.

I think the cognitive (and physical) decline aspect of things is worrying indeed, as we age we need more than ever to maintain the scaffolding of our lives - social contact and interaction, using our brains, exercise, having a sense of structure and purpose. I think people should be really strongly encouraged to start to re-engage with life and I do think some people who are supporting people to maintain patterns which are ultimately not in their interests - however kindly meant - may need to start pulling back. This semi-cocooning that is going on in some cases is not good for people, sustainable for their families or good for wider society and the health/social care sectors.

Astronauts do resistance exercises in space, to help keep healthy
How are your parents still healthy if they are doing little exercise? Do they have a garden or walk up their stairs multiple times ?
I've just come back from my daily exercise, I've seen people running, horse riding, walking their children & dogs, cycling, fishing in the sunshine & lots of people said hello as they passed.
Everyone is allowed out for exercise !

Ultimately it is their choice to stay at home. However, the same 4 walls, the same people, the same routine, how boring !

The lack of exercise would really worry me as ime older people decline very quickly with no exercise. They may be protecting themselves from Covid but lack of exercise could take years off their life expectancy.

I agree with others that the risks associated with extreme isolation and remaining in the house, are going to be much higher than their risk from covid.

I understand you haven't wanted to broach this until now, but I think you need to have some serious conversations about how they are maintaining their health whilst indoors.

Falls, frailty and cognitive decline are key concerns. Talk to them about the importance of cardio and weight bearing exercises, find out what they're doing to keep their brain active without the novelty of getting out of the house. If you can impress on them the seriousness of needing to address this they may start to realise that they can't make their life risk free from just staying home.

I would be worried about them too, op.

What has happened to their fitness if they haven't been out walking?

Their joints and muscles will have really suffered.

Yours chances of catching covid while out for a walk are practically 0.

I think the problem is that whilst I agree with most actions that had to be taken (although I think it was poorly managed) the media and government have simply panicked a lot of people by having daily press conferences etc— I don’t think this helps- retired people get addicted to watching this depressing stuff and it’s a never ending circle. I’m in the EU having moved there later last year and somewhere managing it quite well— only get press conferences if there is a ‘change’ in any rules- there is a site you can see statistics if you need them. Going for walks at minimum is vital , otherwise they may well get acrophobia and what happens when we are all vaccinated- it’s likely this will never fully go away and we have to have vaccine top ups etc— at some point they will have to venture out or decide to live permanently within 4 walls —

Fitness wise they’re ok. They put on a bit of lockdown weight at the start - but quickly got on top of that with... 5:2 diet. Dad has done loads of physical stuff like painting the front of the house, putting up fence etc (he’s like that anyway - but does have a weak leg due to arthritis). Mum not so sure.

Being honest it’s their mental health I worry about more - and cognitive health. They seem ok - but speaking on the phone and the odd doorstep hello doesn’t really give so much of an idea.

I think the longer you stay in, the more scary it gets. I had no choice but to go out regularly Sept-Dec (teacher) and use public transport, and the same from March 8th. I'm late 40s and probably won't get the vaccine until the school year's over. But my PIL, who have both been vaccinated, have barely left the house and don't plan to any time soon.

Watching the news a lot is not good if you are anxious.

Judging by how my husband was after the first lockdown I think we will see an increase in dementia being diagnosed.

This frightened Dh more than Covid which we believe we all had before it was even talked about
If anything dc and I had it worse than him and his 90+ year old mother.
I think there is definitely some link to dna and genetics in how it affects you. Dh is obese and has multiple health issues that on paper would suggest he wouldn’t survive the common cold but Covid was a couple of days of feeling below par which was the same as his mother who was diagnosed with Covid when she got it.

The mental health impact of Covid I think will be worse than the disease.

Dh with all his health issues and shielding letters has chosen to go about his business as much as lockdown has allowed as he is more frightened of dementia than of this disease

I know people in their 70s who still work full time. By the time we have the next pandemic, no doubt the pension age will be 70. So classed as well enough to work full time to get a state pension yet have to shield at the same time.

I think this is a middle class/pensioners problem. A lot of people can’t just stay in and not go out to work.

Try gentler and slower. Try to lurke them out for a little walk. And then longer time, and busier places.
Maybe wiser to wait till lockdown is lifted, so they feel safer. They may be fully vaccinated by then.
Maybe mentioning holidays was too much too soon for them.
Best luck

DH has to go to work on a military base. Every day, staff and recruits end up testing positive. He has no choice about going to work. I’m pregnant and he could potentially bring home Covid to me. We just get on with it.

@MushMonster

Try gentler and slower. Try to lurke them out for a little walk. And then longer time, and busier places. Maybe wiser to wait till lockdown is lifted, so they feel safer. They may be fully vaccinated by then. Maybe mentioning holidays was too much too soon for them. Best luck

This made me smile - I sort of imagine standing at their front door with cheese going “come on just a bit further”.

"Lots of people have self diagnosed themselves as "vulnerable" as they seem to either paradoxically enjoy living in fear and/or relish the special status in confers them."

You can't see that it might be because they're scared? You sound nice

I actually think this has been grim for vulnerable people. Not only do they have genuine and valid reasons for being scared they've not been given the support to shield properly, still having to go out to work, use public transport etc.

I'm talking about those who create a tenuous reason for being vulnerable and use it as a stick to make others feel guilty. I had an ex work colleague like this always ranting on about being "unsafe". She wasn't vulnerable.

I've stopped going for walks/spending time with those who are disproportionately and excessively anxious. It's irritating and draining. If you want to be scared without reason, fine but I'm not going to be a receptacle for your projection of fear.

Have name changed. I thought I would reply from my perspective as someone suffering from anxiety and generally poor mental health at the moment.

Having reached a point where I felt the return of my OCD and anxiety were getting out of control and unmanageable, I have now spoken to the dr and been put on medication. I have an appointment to speak with the mental health team. I am always an anxious person and this crisis has given my anxiety something to latch onto. It’s gone beyond COVID and just a general feeling of being unsafe and exposed to things that may make me ill / uneasy in general. You say your mum has form in the past for anxious reactions, she may also have other anxious behaviours she’s hidden from you. Nobody really knows how bad my anxiety has got apart from my husband.

I am not as extreme as your parents and can logically understand I am lower risk. So I do go for walks etc. But compared to everyone else I know I am way more cautious and anxious. I look at the summer with both hope and worry about how I will cope with things opening up again.

The main thing is to make your parents feel supported, while encouraging them to start venturing out. Talking to your dad might be a good place to start, he may react more openly to suggestions. As simple as checking in to see if they’re enjoying the sun in the garden. Asking them for a walk. Baby steps. Depending on your relationship you could say you’re worried that fear has become a problem and you’d like to help them feel more comfortable. Even sending links to good news stories now and then to try and counter the largely negative news that is dominating. Or talking about the holiday you’ll all take in a couple of years time (or similar) to start laying the possibility in their minds of beyond this situation. It has been/is a really scary time and not everyone is going to bounce back straight away. We are all different. You may have to keep an eye for now and then be a bit more proactive in your approach if they’re still overly cautious after a second vaccine and much lower cases overall. At the moment cases are still relatively high and restrictions tight, so if they’ve been very careful, there’s still reason that they might want to carry on that way. One thing that helped me was being asked what I was comfortable with. So my best friend knew I was too anxious for a meal, so we went on lots of walks instead.

@nuitsdesetoiles to your point I would like to say, certainly in my case, I don’t ‘want to be scared’ I just am. It’s not logical and I feel a lot of shame that I haven’t been able to keep my mental health robust. I’m lucky I have good family and friends which have helped me realise I need help and life doesn’t have to be like this. I am motivated to overcome it and get back into the world again. You are of course entitled to your view, but I think it’s needlessly harsh.

@Anxiousin2021

Have name changed. I thought I would reply from my perspective as someone suffering from anxiety and generally poor mental health at the moment.

Having reached a point where I felt the return of my OCD and anxiety were getting out of control and unmanageable, I have now spoken to the dr and been put on medication. I have an appointment to speak with the mental health team. I am always an anxious person and this crisis has given my anxiety something to latch onto. It’s gone beyond COVID and just a general feeling of being unsafe and exposed to things that may make me ill / uneasy in general. You say your mum has form in the past for anxious reactions, she may also have other anxious behaviours she’s hidden from you. Nobody really knows how bad my anxiety has got apart from my husband.

I am not as extreme as your parents and can logically understand I am lower risk. So I do go for walks etc. But compared to everyone else I know I am way more cautious and anxious. I look at the summer with both hope and worry about how I will cope with things opening up again.

The main thing is to make your parents feel supported, while encouraging them to start venturing out. Talking to your dad might be a good place to start, he may react more openly to suggestions. As simple as checking in to see if they’re enjoying the sun in the garden. Asking them for a walk. Baby steps. Depending on your relationship you could say you’re worried that fear has become a problem and you’d like to help them feel more comfortable. Even sending links to good news stories now and then to try and counter the largely negative news that is dominating. Or talking about the holiday you’ll all take in a couple of years time (or similar) to start laying the possibility in their minds of beyond this situation. It has been/is a really scary time and not everyone is going to bounce back straight away. We are all different. You may have to keep an eye for now and then be a bit more proactive in your approach if they’re still overly cautious after a second vaccine and much lower cases overall. At the moment cases are still relatively high and restrictions tight, so if they’ve been very careful, there’s still reason that they might want to carry on that way. One thing that helped me was being asked what I was comfortable with. So my best friend knew I was too anxious for a meal, so we went on lots of walks instead.

@nuitsdesetoiles to your point I would like to say, certainly in my case, I don’t ‘want to be scared’ I just am. It’s not logical and I feel a lot of shame that I haven’t been able to keep my mental health robust. I’m lucky I have good family and friends which have helped me realise I need help and life doesn’t have to be like this. I am motivated to overcome it and get back into the world again. You are of course entitled to your view, but I think it’s needlessly harsh.

I'm sorry, I know it sounds harsh. I'm sorry you feel shame as well for what is a genuine and debilitating mental health condition. I speak a lot more bluntly on here partly because otherwise it's too much typing! We're going to see a massive increase in health anxiety and OCD off the back of this. My frustration is not with those individuals with those conditions at all it's with the whole narrative of disproportionate fear and those who peddle who are now massively affecting people's mental health. If the media had reported a more balanced less sensationalist view we may not, as a nation be quite so paralysed by fear. I'm not seeing my parents as they're too scared which is quite understandable. What isn't is that a 9 year old boy I know is terrified of dying due to the narrative his family have been feeding him based on fear not fact. His family are collosally risk averse in every way though. How to breed the next generation of anxiety disorders.

@Nuitsdesetoiles thank you for clarifying. I agree that I worry more people will suffer with anxiety generally. I’ve slipped into these thought patterns and behaviours so quickly and easily and I am someone always vigilant about my mental health.

I would just reiterate that in my experience, it’s better to build up slow and steady with challenges to push yourself further out of your comfort zone. You always see on hoarding programmes the well intentioned family that just want to chuck it all out, when there’s more success with parting with stuff bit by bit at a pace that’s tolerable. So as frustrating as it is, however we interpret other people’s behaviour, approaching it from a more gentle standpoint will hopefully help the vast majority get back on track again.

Yes the ladder approach rather than the flooding technique... Far more successful. Flooding thrown out as a treatment strategy years ago... As all it b did was make people more anxious! I do feel for a friend who's now on meds for anxiety... She's always been anxious but this situation has fed the anxiety monster so to speak. Eating disorders on the increase as well. Anorexia thrives in isolation.

Indeed. Trying to have control in a situation you have no control over. I can clearly see my behaviour, what’s logical and why I do it. Yet still remain stuck a lot of the time not to do it and believe what I’m telling myself. Thank you @Nuitsdesetoiles for engaging and understanding my point of view, even though it’s not your experience. I do understand the frustrations too. My husband is wonderfully supportive, but I know he struggles with it sometimes. Everything becomes hard work and if you’re talking sense and it’s not being listened too, it can be demoralising.

My inlaws are the same. Mid 70s. Utterly terrified by the adverts which they have watched for a year saying that if they go out, they will die. So they don't go out. Ever.

Shopping delivered by Iceland. SIL who lives locally brings anything else they need, but has to leave it on the doorstep, ring the bell and retreat at least 10 feet. Then MIL washes everything in Milton. They won't see family. Will facetime but won't "risk" seeing anyone in person. No plans to change this way of existing.

@RaspberryCoulis

My inlaws are the same. Mid 70s. Utterly terrified by the adverts which they have watched for a year saying that if they go out, they will die. So they don't go out. Ever.

Shopping delivered by Iceland. SIL who lives locally brings anything else they need, but has to leave it on the doorstep, ring the bell and retreat at least 10 feet. Then MIL washes everything in Milton. They won't see family. Will facetime but won't "risk" seeing anyone in person. No plans to change this way of existing.

Gosh that's so sad.. that's an existence not a life! I hope they're able to move on from it somehow... Have they had the vaccine?

Oh and OP - my inlaws haven't left their house/garden apart from once in October ish to attend a GP appointment, and again in January for their vaccine first dose. No walks around the block even.

Stay at home, protect the NHS, save lives.