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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

faking enjoying sex? yes or no

114 replies

sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 11:44

Im planning on leaving my partner of many years. But im torn, i dont know if i am being daft and i should keep going.

We have alot of issues in the bedroom department, he wants it a lot and i dont. Obviously he is frustrated and comes out with things like he will get it else where and tells me i need to give him sex. Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done. But then he complains that i dont put effort in, but if im not in the mood im not the kind of person that can "fake" enjoyment and he knows this. He will ignore me for long periods of time because he hasn't got what he needs.

He is a great dad, we have done great things together. But he is not satisfied and expects that i will change, i have told him i will move out and now he is saying that i am breaking up a family and that he loves me and he doesnt want this to happen. He tells me i just have to put an effort in? And i think if it doesnt come naturally then dont force it or fake it?

im confused should i just start to fake enjoyment in the bedroom to keep him and the kids happy?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/02/2021 11:47

He is not a great dad because he’s coercing his DC’s mum into sex she doesn’t want - which is a crime - and ignoring and berating you, which is incredibly emotionally abusive.

He’s crap at sex, but that’s the very least of your problems. He’s a horrible bullying man. Please do leave him. You deserve so much better than that. Everyone does.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 11:56

@AnneLovesGilbert Is it abuse though? Men have needs and im not fulfilling his like i should, maybe im the bad one for not giving him more and not trying

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 11:57

Ad pp said, a great father dorsnt treat the mother of his children like an object with no right to her own feelings, just there to gratify his needs.

A great father has to be a great tole model. Would you want your children to grow up thinking it's ok for women to be treated the way he treats you?

He is abusive.

Get yourself outa there. Show your little ones that a woman should never tolerate bullying and sexual coercion.

Your partner is abusive. You dont owe him anything.

Your needs matter. Your rights matter. And your personal and emotional saftey from tyranny, oppression and mindfucking wankers matters.

You are not brraling up the family to leave because he is not your family. He is a jerk who views you with contempt like you or I would view our computer malfunctioning. He is disorders and vile.

Get yourself outa and stay out. Ans never touch him again with a barge pole! (....unless it's to smackdown him with it because he wont take fuck off for an answer xD).

cuddlymunchkin · 25/02/2021 12:00

How often are you having consensual sex? I can see where he's coming from if you're never in the mood, but if you are happy sat twice a week and he's demanding every day then yes, that's wrong.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:01

@Wanderlusto i understand what your saying. But, it doesnt feel like what i would label abuse. Its hurtful that he can say harsh things but is that not my fault because he is dissatisfied?

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 25/02/2021 12:01

I think you might be confusing the terms needs and wants. He wants sex, he doesn't need it. It might be different if you didn't want to have sex with him ever again but pressuring someone to have more sex and threatening them when they don't want to is not on. Sex should come from desire, not force and it's obvious he doesn't care whether it is enjoyable for you or not once you act like it is.

Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 12:02

''Men have needs'. A. Abuse is not one of those needs and theres no excuse for it. B. Why are his needs always more important than yours? Why does he deny your needs? You can't have a partnership with someone who doesnt give a shit about you. And punishes you when you 'fail' at meeting his 'needs'. Horrible man.

CouldItBeJeffrey · 25/02/2021 12:02

Men have needs and im not fulfilling his like i should

No, he's filling your head full of shite. He's being abusive. He isn't entitled to sex and you have no obligation to fulfil his "needs". He's a disgusting sex pest. Threatening to get it elsewhere? Let him. See who would have him. Don't fake enjoyment. Don't have sex at all if you don't want to.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:04

@cuddlymunchkin not that often, once or twice that a month. I found him talking about it the way that he does has put me off it. We used to do it more, and i was mainly doing it to please him, he would get annoyed that i wasnt in the mood so i changed to do it when i was in the mood

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 25/02/2021 12:10

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@AnneLovesGilbert Is it abuse though? Men have needs and im not fulfilling his like i should, maybe im the bad one for not giving him more and not trying[/quote]
Surely this is a wind up. Where did you get the idea that you were placed on this earth to fulfil men's needs? Is this something your parents taught you? That your needs and feelings aren't important and you're meant to lie there and think of England?

You need to get with the 21st century because the 18th is doing you no favours.

Coerced sex is rape. It's rape because the other person doesn't want to do it but is badgered and hectored into it by a misogynist bully. Don't have sex you don't want to have. Don't pretend that you're enjoying sex with some knuckle dragger who thinks women are there to service him like prostitutes.

Tell him to take his outdated, sexist views and stick them up his arse - tell him to act as though he's enjoying it as you enjoy a good show.

Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 12:10

He stonewalls you when you dont give him what he wants. Common abuse tactic. Rather than talking things through with you he punishes you by ignoring you. Does that seem normal or healthy to you? Because he will never change. If you stay and try to meet his needs, he will just find something else to punish you for. Because that's who he is.

He makes out you owe him sex even if you dont want to. He threatens to get it elsewhere if you dont give it up to him. This falls under sexual coercion.

And generally op...he is horrible.
He is horrible to you and horrible as a person in general. Why would you want to stay with someone like that? Youd be happier single and your kids wouldnt have to witness their mum being bullied.

Life is too short to spend with evil people who treat us with contempt.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:11

@MysweetAudrina i think he does care, but when i "lay there like a sack of potatoes" as he puts it, he gets annoyed. He wants me to enjoy it but i cant seem to want it more than a couple of times a month

OP posts:
Woebegonad · 25/02/2021 12:13

Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done

He's a rapist, and you need to get far, far away from him.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:14

@poppyzbrite4 i have spent ages googling it and im not sure if its posts that men have written but i have found a lot that say if you are in a long term relationship sex is important. I do love him, just not really into sex the way that he is

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 12:15

So has he ever asked what you want in the bedroom? Tried to make more effort with the foreplay? Sat down and had a discussion with you about it like a grown up instead of throwing a strop?

Not that any of it matters anyway because you dont actually want to have sex with him anymore. So dont! Everything else aside op, this marriage had become all about him. And that's not how marriages should be. Someone who only knows how to take, is not a suitable life partner.

Cut him loose before he drains you dry.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:16

@Woebegonad i wouldnt say its rape. rape is forceful. I consent, i just dont particularly feel in the mood. Its a bit like doing the hoovering, its not enjoyable but it needs done

OP posts:
DippingToes · 25/02/2021 12:17

Is he affectionate? Does he hug you and kiss you, or is it all about sex for him?

I let's all about how he makes you feel all round, and if you don't feel supported by him generally, you may have your answer...

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:19

@Wanderlusto we have tried a lot of things, in the beginning like the "lustful" stage we were at it all the time. He compares me now to me then, but i point out that i have chnged, i have grown up, had kids and have alot more on my plate than care free sex all the time.

We have tried the normal, dressing up, toys etc

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:20

@DippingToes it deopends, if he has sex then yes he isbut if he hasnt then he can be cold and ignore me like i said. In between that if he does touch me its gropey if you know what i mean. I feel a bit put off to touch him or hug him incase he thinks he will be "getting some" later

OP posts:
DippingToes · 25/02/2021 12:22

It sounds difficult. I'm sorry Thanks

poppyzbrite4 · 25/02/2021 12:23

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@poppyzbrite4 i have spent ages googling it and im not sure if its posts that men have written but i have found a lot that say if you are in a long term relationship sex is important. I do love him, just not really into sex the way that he is[/quote]
There is no such thing as a typical long term relationship. Sex drive tends to wax and wane and people get ill, take medication and have other issues that mean they don't always desire sex.

Sex is about keeping and maintaining intimacy in a relationship. Someone who says you just lie there like a sack of potatoes doesn't love you OP. A person who loves you, doesn't want to hurt you or chip away at your self esteem.

He may watch a lot of porn, I don't know how old he is but he may have learned how to have sex from porn. In porn, women perform sex for men's enjoyment, they are rarely if ever, equally enjoying sex. This may have given him the impression that all he has to do is get an erection and you will start humping his leg.

Someone who loves you, takes the time to learn what you like or don't like in bed and they respect your sex drive. If you only want it twice a month then, that's how often you want sex. No one has a right to badger you into wanting more. He can choose whether or not he wants to stay in the relationship if he wants more sex.

You're a wife and mother, not a performing seal. Stop having sex you don't want to have. Just stop. It's demeaning.

Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 12:23

Well it's not like you've not put in the effort. But like flogging a dead horse now. Sex should never be a chore.

Also op...think of it this way...he knows you dont enjoy it but he does it to you anyway. Yes, to you not with you. Like you're an object. You arent a hoover op, you're a person.Would you want to have sex with someone who you knew didnt want it? Of course not. Its so creepy.

Itsjustaride8w737 · 25/02/2021 12:26

I'm sorry you're going through this op.

For outside perspective, I would have sex more often, dp not so much. He works hard and i suspect a little depressed. Yes at times i get frustrated, especially when it's been over a month. However i would NEVER coerce him into having sex if he didn't want to.

He clearly doesn't respect your feelings or wishes. How on earth he can enjoy having sex when you are simply 'laid there' is horrendous.

Please get out, there's more to life than this

Wanderlusto · 25/02/2021 12:27

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@DippingToes it deopends, if he has sex then yes he isbut if he hasnt then he can be cold and ignore me like i said. In between that if he does touch me its gropey if you know what i mean. I feel a bit put off to touch him or hug him incase he thinks he will be "getting some" later[/quote]
🤢

So he is a sex pest. He doesnt touch you to show affection, he just fondles you. Any affection is just a 'reward' for your 'behaving' by meeting his desires. Like he is training you.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:29

@poppyzbrite4 yes he does watch a lot of porn, but dont most men? I just think that all relationships will end up like this after time and that maybe i should stick it out?

OP posts:
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