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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

faking enjoying sex? yes or no

114 replies

sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 11:44

Im planning on leaving my partner of many years. But im torn, i dont know if i am being daft and i should keep going.

We have alot of issues in the bedroom department, he wants it a lot and i dont. Obviously he is frustrated and comes out with things like he will get it else where and tells me i need to give him sex. Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done. But then he complains that i dont put effort in, but if im not in the mood im not the kind of person that can "fake" enjoyment and he knows this. He will ignore me for long periods of time because he hasn't got what he needs.

He is a great dad, we have done great things together. But he is not satisfied and expects that i will change, i have told him i will move out and now he is saying that i am breaking up a family and that he loves me and he doesnt want this to happen. He tells me i just have to put an effort in? And i think if it doesnt come naturally then dont force it or fake it?

im confused should i just start to fake enjoyment in the bedroom to keep him and the kids happy?

OP posts:

goldielockdown2 · 25/02/2021 19:22

By your responses, I mean your sexual responses or lack thereof, to his behaviour. Not your posts here.

AnnaPotter · 25/02/2021 19:25

For fuck’s sake. Men don’t have ‘needs’ - nobody has ever died from not having sex. He just has wants, and is abusing you by coercing you into fulfilling them regardless of whether you want to or not. He’s not a good dad or a good man, and you should absolutely leave him for the sake of giving yourself a chance at a happy life.

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 19:31

What's he doing to ease your frustration about the situation? I mean, you have needs too, right? Like needing your partner to love you and needing him to understand your feelings?

What is he doing for you?

Isitsixoclockalready · 25/02/2021 19:38

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Isitsixoclockalready should i just put aside his childish behaviour? PP have said its not right[/quote]
Not at all. I meant that this has already been responded to eloquently by others. I was making the point that maybe he should look at why you aren't feeling in the mood with him. Why is this on you to adapt to him?

Silenceisgolden20 · 25/02/2021 20:11

Do you know what? In situations like this, even if you had sex with him 10 times a day, he wouldn't be happy. Because there's more to this than sex. He's not talking to you like a grown up about the both of you, he's basically saying give me what i want or I'll look else where. You're not an equal, you're there to service him.
That's how he sees women.

adventurealice · 25/02/2021 21:44

What do these people do when there are no people around who will have sex with them?

I assume they mean they need sex as a fundamental part of an intimate relationship, not as a human need like food and water. But even so, if someone does need sex to be in an intimate relationship, they should simply leave if they can't get it rather than bully or beg.

Magnificentmug12 · 25/02/2021 21:47

Someone can still be a great dad and a shot husband, like someone can be a great mum but shit wife- two different roles.

If he doesn’t want to be in a sexless relationship and you do then your not compatible and a separation would be best for both of you

Eckhart · 25/02/2021 22:09

@adventurealice

What do these people do when there are no people around who will have sex with them?

Same sort of need as 'I need my partner to be blonde', then. In other words, a preference.

Dappledsunlight · 25/02/2021 22:57

The irony is he's clearly not worked out that by placing pressure on you to have sex is frankly the least seductive thing he could do. Does he honestly think your desire will increase under such conditions? He needs to learn how to be loving, caring, flirtatious, romantic and seductive. It is HE who needs a sentimental education! Of course you're not going to feel in the mood faced with his clunking, bull in a china shop approach...gawd! Put the spotlight on HIM and his utterly abysmal and disrespectful attitude.

crestar · 26/02/2021 09:02

@AnneLovesGilbert

He is not a great dad because he’s coercing his DC’s mum into sex she doesn’t want - which is a crime - and ignoring and berating you, which is incredibly emotionally abusive.

He’s crap at sex, but that’s the very least of your problems. He’s a horrible bullying man. Please do leave him. You deserve so much better than that. Everyone does.

Oh dear!

Talk about add 2 and 2 together and come up with 35.

This is a case of mis-matched sex drives and we often see threads from both men and women on Mumsnet about this. It doesn't have anything to do with him being a bad father.

Sometimes, in a loving relationship, either partner will have sex when they don't particularly want it or feel like it. This certainly isn't one sided by any means.

A proper, in depth discussion is what is needed between the both of to see what sensible compromise can be reached.

mayjuneaugust · 26/02/2021 10:44

I was in a marriage like this for many years. He was a great dad still is, we had it all apart from the fact I didn't want sex with him. I really wanted to want sex but I just couldn't. Then the moods started, the name calling It was like sleeping with a wet fish was his favourite. I found messages from other girls on his phone. One of them I knew. I thought all the time I deserve this because I am depriving him of sex. I said to him he should leave it he is unhappy. He never would & if I did I was breaking up a family. The kids suffered watching him treat me this way and me all the time feeling it was my fault. Fast forward he left anyway he is really happy now in a new relationship. I still feel to this day it was my fault. I am by myself with the kids now it was really hard at first but I am getting stronger all the time and the kids & I live a very peaceful life. My heart truly goes out to you.

Silenceisgolden20 · 26/02/2021 10:44

@annelovesgilbert is right.

It's more than mis matched sex drives if he's saying give it to me or else I'll look elsewhere. That's not a loving relationship at all.
I'm surprised that in 2021, people still excuse this shit behaviour from men.

Let him look elsewhere. Tell him to fuck off and find it and be happy and then you can find a man who respects you.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 26/02/2021 11:01

@mayjuneaugust

The kids suffered watching him treat me this way and me all the time feeling it was my fault.

He wasn't a great dad, he really wasn't. Teaching children it's acceptable to treat a partner like shit, destroy their confidence etc is not what being a great dad looks like. I'm glad you're out of the relationship now.

mayjuneaugust · 26/02/2021 11:33

@youvegottenminuteslynn thank you, that's what I really struggle with, same as op I think. You think it's your fault because you aren't holding up your end as a wife. My mum always says he wasn't a great dad either. The pressure on my shoulders every day because I didn't want sex was destroying him & me. 4 years later life can be lonely but it's peaceful & stress free and my kids are much happier. Good luck to op. X

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