faking enjoying sex? yes or no

[sunshineonearainyday]

Im planning on leaving my partner of many years. But im torn, i dont know if i am being daft and i should keep going.

We have alot of issues in the bedroom department, he wants it a lot and i dont. Obviously he is frustrated and comes out with things like he will get it else where and tells me i need to give him sex. Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done. But then he complains that i dont put effort in, but if im not in the mood im not the kind of person that can "fake" enjoyment and he knows this. He will ignore me for long periods of time because he hasn't got what he needs.

He is a great dad, we have done great things together. But he is not satisfied and expects that i will change, i have told him i will move out and now he is saying that i am breaking up a family and that he loves me and he doesnt want this to happen. He tells me i just have to put an effort in? And i think if it doesnt come naturally then dont force it or fake it?

im confused should i just start to fake enjoyment in the bedroom to keep him and the kids happy?

Well I probably wouldnt have said rape but...

Coerced sex is kinda...rape-y. If you consent because the alternative is punishment like silent treatment, then its coerced sex.

I mean really, it's walking a very thin borderline op.
Some people here feel it crosses that line too. And I can understand their argument.

Either way, sexual coercion in itself is a crime.

Also, if a stranger in the street said 'have sex with me' and you said you didnt want to but then did it anyway because you feared the consequences of saying no...would that not be rape? I kinda think so. So is it different because he is your partner? If anything, its maybe worse.

But I wpuldnt get yourself all torn up about it if its easier to think if it as just not nice behaviour from him. I think you have enough on your plate. Theres no getting around the fact that he isnt a nice person though.

@Rockinmomma no i do not feel sexually attracted to him. But i dont know if i was to put more effort in like he says it might come back? i do love him but just not into sex

@Wanderlusto but its not really coercive. If he makes remarks like "im going to get it elsewhere" surely thats more out of frustraction? i feel like coercion would be more forceful and more demanding

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Woebegonad i wouldnt say its rape. rape is forceful. I consent, i just dont particularly feel in the mood. Its a bit like doing the hoovering, its not enjoyable but it needs done[/quote]
Fucking hell. Seriously?

No it doesn't 'need to be done' you're not a hoover. Get him a fleshlight.

I liked the leaving him part of your post. He's a knob who will nag and have sex knowing his partner isnt up for it. There's a word for men like that.

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Wanderlusto but its not really coercive. If he makes remarks like "im going to get it elsewhere" surely thats more out of frustraction? i feel like coercion would be more forceful and more demanding[/quote]
He's blackmailing you into sex. It's wrong.

@gamerchick he has "alone time" most mornings to relieve himself

@gamerchick i guess it depends on how you see it, i wouldnt see it as blackmail, maybe im far to naive and soft

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Wanderlusto but its not really coercive. If he makes remarks like "im going to get it elsewhere" surely thats more out of frustraction? i feel like coercion would be more forceful and more demanding[/quote]
That's the definition of coercion OP. If you don't do A I'm going to do B.

If you don't have sex with me, I'll have sex with someone else.

If you don't have sex with me, I'll [fill in the blank] is coercion. He's threatening you with consequences if you don't do what he wants. That's bullying and coercion.

Well, op you’ve seen our reaction to him, so I guess it’s down to you now. Stay or go, but don’t say you weren’t warned.

Relationships are meant to make your life easier and happier.

What's the point otherwise?
Couldn't you just leave and coparent?

Why are you trying to make him happy when YOU arent happy?

That's a horrible dynamic to have for your children. Do you want your daughters to grow up thinking women should just put up and shut up? Or your sons to grow up thinking that womens needs are secondary to their own?

Do you struggle with the idea of being single?

Thibk.about it op, why are you continuing to stay in a dead end marriage with someone who is essentially an arsehold, at best.

At what point in your life did you learn that your needs dont matter? Or is it him that has lead you to think this way?

Cant you see you've become centred around pleasing him? Do you really think that is healthy?

You deserve better. You deserve to consider your needs for a change. And your kids right to a healthy environment where their mother is happy.

@poppyzbrite4 it just feel more like an empty threat said out of frustration

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Wanderlusto but its not really coercive. If he makes remarks like "im going to get it elsewhere" surely thats more out of frustraction? i feel like coercion would be more forceful and more demanding[/quote]
But it's designed to creep up on you op. It's designed to make you worry that he might indeed get it elsewhere and to play on your mind so that you confirm.to his demands at later dates in order to 'keep' him. Its manipulative and incidious. And yes, it's still coercion.

Don't underestimate coercion.
I've been there and nothing is less sexy than a sex pest who treats you poorly when you don't comply.
It can get much worse, and it probably isn't at the moment because you keep complying to some extent.

He is the one with the problem, not you.

You could have joint counselling but not sure it's advisable in this case. It doesn't look like he is particularly interested in your point of view, just his.

i have made a separate thread to see if him saying "if you dont give me it i will get it elsewhere" is coercive

Tbh , I can take it or leave it. I don't think I'm particularly interested in sex. I used to be but that side of me had died down. I don't hate it , so when it happens it happens . I do the same as I used to to please my dh , so it kind of takes the same time etc, but I wouldn't really bother if it was up to me to instigate.
You should never be told you have to do it, not be told he will go somewhere else .

Oh OP, this is SO SO SO SO wrong.

Most relationships aren’t like this. Not all men are like this. He doesn’t have any more needs than you do. He has an obsession and is also manipulative and abusive to you.

No, men don’t only touch their partners so they can fondle or grope them. That’s just wrong, on so many levels. So your kids don’t normally see mum and dad hug, kiss on the lips, hold hands or just being affectionate, in a completely innocent but loving way? That would normal. Affection doesn’t equate sex. He doesn’t have to be thinking about sex every time he touches you.

It sounds like it’s all about him. You don’t mention conversations when you both explained to each other what you would ideally want to happen, and tried to suggest ways in which you can compromise or make it happen. He’s controlling and abusive. Please listen to everyone on this thread. This is NOT normal. Relationships should NOT be like this.

@sunshineonearainyday

i have made a separate thread to see if him saying "if you dont give me it i will get it elsewhere" is coercive

Surely just writing that out you can see that it is now op?

He also punishes you with the silent treatment when he doesnt get what he wants.

Rape doesn't have to involve force, I'm not sure where you've got that idea. If a man corners a woman and says he wants to have sex with her and if she just lets him then she can go, if he's much bigger than her, intimidating, in a position of authority or power etc - you wouldn't think it was rape unless he punched / kicked her etc? You would be wrong. It's really worrying you think rape has to involve physical force. Many people freeze from terror and to try not to further antagonise their rapist.

It's pretty offensive to say something isn't rape without force but hopefully you didn't realise that.

You need to read up on the definitions of coercion, abuse and rape to try to get your head around what's happening. You're currently unable to see how bad his behaviour is because you are minimising what he is doing.

He says he wants you to look like you're enjoying it. You aren't. Yet he carries on doing it. He's voluntarily having sex with someone he knows doesn't want him to be having sex with them. Can you see how fucked up he is for wanting to do that? Doing that over and over?

If my partner had sex with me and saw I wasn't enjoying it he would stop immediately because I am more important to him than his erection. If I told him after that I hadn't wanted to have sex but did it anyway as he wanted to he would be really upset and feel terrible even if he hadn't known. That's what decent men are like.

Your husband isn't a good father because he is coercing the mother of his children into sex. He is also using thinly veiled threats of cheating (I have to get it somewhere etc) to add pressure. He's absolutely disgusting.

You don't believe this one?

Maybe read all of this, especially after the examples.

www.doctornerdlove.com/coerced-consent-yes-means-no/all/1/

Putting aside the issue over consensual or coercive sex, which has been responded to already - why can't he look at himself and ask why you aren't attracted to him sexually? From a male point of view, I'd be very upset if my wife had to pretend to be in the mood. From the way that he's acting, I'm not surprised that you aren't finding him attractive in that sense. He sounds like he's being very childish about it. If I told my wife that I'd 'get it somewhere else' then I'm certain that she'd tell me that I was very welcome to - the divorce papers would subsequently be in the post.

@Isitsixoclockalready should i just put aside his childish behaviour? PP have said its not right

@sunshineonearainyday you don’t need to put any work in, he does!
Do you want to stay in this relationship? Forever??
If you do then you have got to establish boundaries. No he can’t grope you when he wants it’s YOUR body. He can’t demand sex it’s YOUR right to say no. Screw his ultimatums, set your own! Tell him if doesn’t start respecting your boundaries you will leave
FWIW, I’ve been through this with ExH. For years he coerced me, told me there was something wrong with me, watched porn and treated me like the women in it, sodomised me, had tantrums and sulked when I said no, shove his penis in my face randomly expecting me to... you know. It’s a hideous way to live and I’ll never accept that in a partner again. There are actually things now that trigger anxieties in me

OP, I really alarmed by your posts!

Not only are you being coerced into having sex more often than you want to, you are being insulted when you do and you are being groped in between. All of this is absolutely unacceptable. I am not even slightly surprised that you don't want to have sex with this man.

I'm also not surprised that you don't recognise what's happening here. I was in the same situation as you in a past relationship. I was told I was "boring and passive" and the the not wanting sex problem was all mine. I was also groped, and i made me feel like nothing more than a piece of meat. I thought that was what I just had to put up with and that indeed the problem was mine and it my failure. He was also a porn user. And no, most men aren't (in my experience).

In the end he did go and get it elsewhere (turned out that he'd been doing that for some time!) and I get away from him. Only then did I realise what had been going on. Many years later I am married to a man who does not treat me this way. What's happening in your marriage is not normal, acceptable or legal. Tell him to go elsewhere and shut the door behind him.

Same here @Rockinmomma. It's horrible isn't it. I still get anxiety as well

ExH did eventually have an affair, still blames me to this day for not being ‘affectionate’