faking enjoying sex? yes or no

[sunshineonearainyday]

Im planning on leaving my partner of many years. But im torn, i dont know if i am being daft and i should keep going.

We have alot of issues in the bedroom department, he wants it a lot and i dont. Obviously he is frustrated and comes out with things like he will get it else where and tells me i need to give him sex. Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done. But then he complains that i dont put effort in, but if im not in the mood im not the kind of person that can "fake" enjoyment and he knows this. He will ignore me for long periods of time because he hasn't got what he needs.

He is a great dad, we have done great things together. But he is not satisfied and expects that i will change, i have told him i will move out and now he is saying that i am breaking up a family and that he loves me and he doesnt want this to happen. He tells me i just have to put an effort in? And i think if it doesnt come naturally then dont force it or fake it?

im confused should i just start to fake enjoyment in the bedroom to keep him and the kids happy?

@DianeCherry it’s 5 years on now, it’s taken that long to feel comfortable with another man but there are particular acts I can’t even talk about without shaking

This brings back very painful memories. I had sex purely out of obligation and for the sake of the 'relationship'. I was often in so much pain he decided I must have a medical condition so needed to see a doctor to fix it. Never occurred to him it was anything else. I was always so happy to get through it for 'us'. I was just selling myself and getting nothing in return except a few more days peace.

I left and am in a new relationship. It's been ten years and it's the complete opposite. I have a sex drive, just not for men who use and abuse women for their own gain and disregard my feelings in the process.

Men have needs... so do i bit ive never raped my partner to get them fufilled.

Ffs when do we get past this attitude?

@HerrenaHarridan

round of fucking applause

Yes yes yes!!! When are we going to get past this fucking archaic attitude that 'men have needs'. We all have needs. We don't need to force someone into it to get what we want. Pathetic.

Thank you for saying that 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

His behaviour is not childish. It's abusive. Very different things.

My parents would have furious rows about sex, my mother never wanted to do it but always gave in and the times she did made for a much more peaceful, fluid household. If my father didn’t get what he wanted he’d stomp around for days on end. OP what your DH is doing is abusive. End of. No one should be coerced into sex. Ever.

Please leave him.

There is no way my husband could continue to have sex if he thought I was lying there just for him to use me as a giant blow up doll, he would instantly lose the mood and stop. This is not normal. Telling you he will go and have sex elsewhere is not normal either.
I promise you he is not a good husband.

I had surgery and couldn’t have sex for a year. My husband couldn’t have been nicer and I actually have never felt more loved. This is normal and what you deserve. Leave him and have a lovely life.

OP, the police would count that as coercion.

The only people on the planet saying men have needs are crazy religious groups in the US for example, the kind who believe woman aren’t allowed to wear trousers, use contraception, say no, send kids to school, go to college or have a job.

You can’t see it but you are worth more. The more you realise the more it will seem like abuse as it is.

In our relationship I have the drive and he doesn’t match mine. I’d like a lot more sex but I don’t want him to have sex he doesn’t want. We’ve discussed it and I know what gets him more in the mood and he is aware that if he’s up for it I’ll be ready to go! I certainly don’t pressure him, I’m happy to have lots of affection, intimacy and physical contact that doesn’t lead to sex. He is happy to hold me and indulge in non PIV activities that I like to help me with my “needs”.

You shouldn’t feel pressured, you should be able to talk and you should both be willing to meet one another half way.

I am wondering how old you are OP. You sound quite young. What experience have tug had before him? Have you always disliked sex ? Do you ever enjoy it? Do you know what you like?
I think a lot of women ( and men) feel as you do. You don’t fancy your husband and you don’t enjoy sex. He is making you feel guilty so you ‘give in’. I don’t think this is rape unlike others. However it is not making either of you happy. Perhaps counselling might help? It really isn’t a problem that is going to resolve itself.

Have you had. Not tug!

You assume that most relationships are with men who are sex pests, who have "needs" that need to be met, watch a lot of porn, fondle their OHs and eventually sulk. Plus has "alone time" nearly every morning to relieve himself. Can hardly believe you are for real.

I don’t think this is rape unlike others

Fortunately, the definition of rape is not for you or anyone else on this thread to decide - it's not even up to rape victims. It's for society as a whole, as embodied in our laws.

Saying 'I don't think it's rape' is like saying to someone who's had their house burgled: 'well, it doesn't sound like burglary to me. I'd say it was more theft'. Irrelevant! What does the LAW say?

@Woebegonad - perfectly put!!

Op - men have needs etc... he has a hand.
And a choice - he can leave.

He chooses to torment and belittle you.
Coerced sex is rape.
Forced sex is also rape.
It’s not just one or the other.

@Woebegonad - perfectly put!!

Op - men have needs etc... he has a hand.
And a choice - he can leave.

He chooses to torment and belittle you.
Coerced sex is rape.
Forced sex is also rape.
It’s not just one or the other.

Some people do "need" sex, their have been plenty of threads on the Sex board here about it with just as many women saying it's a need and not a want for them (not my opinion but who am I to judge). However, he has no right to coerce or force you! So his options are to put up with it quietly, seek sex on the side (which I assume would lead to you ending the relationship?), or end the relationship. The ultimatum for you to give him then is put up with it or get out.

@adventurealice

Some people do "need" sex, their have been plenty of threads on the Sex board here about it with just as many women saying it's a need and not a want for them (not my opinion but who am I to judge). However, he has no right to coerce or force you! So his options are to put up with it quietly, seek sex on the side (which I assume would lead to you ending the relationship?), or end the relationship. The ultimatum for you to give him then is put up with it or get out.

What do these people do when there are no people around who will have sex with them?

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@AnneLovesGilbert Is it abuse though? Men have needs and im not fulfilling his like i should, maybe im the bad one for not giving him more and not trying[/quote]
Oh my good God.
You know the answer Op. You do.

They don't need sex with someone not willing though do they? It's not going to drop off if they don't get their needs immediately.

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Wanderlusto but its not really coercive. If he makes remarks like "im going to get it elsewhere" surely thats more out of frustraction? i feel like coercion would be more forceful and more demanding[/quote]
Wow. He's trained you well.

OP - you clearly have mismatched libidos.
Men and women come to MN regularly with that issue. Mostly - there is no solution. When the issue is low libido in men - advice is often to check themselves with a GP as some health issues can lead to it.

In your case - it doesn’t seem like your libido has been very different before, more that you went along with it more often.
And by now - issues in the relationship got amplified because of resentments building on both sides.

You shouldn’t force yourself, obviously.
In equal measure - his needs also exist and he can’t wave away his needs for intimacy.

There isn’t many solutions that make all happy. You mostly don’t want to have sex. He doesn’t want to suppress his libido, I presume.

• Either you leave and you both can find partners that match your sex needs better, or
• You ‘outsource’ - open up your marriage and let someone else deal with those needs.

Sorry. It’s a tough place to be in.

I bet the OPs libido would increase massively if she didn't have a manipulative twat as a partner

What would it take for you to want it more with him OP? And enjoy it more? That's where you need to start. Do you need him to talk to you? Dedicate time to you? Do things to share the load/make life easier? Have date nights? Romance you?

Maybe if he changes then you might feel more inclined. Win. Win.

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@AnneLovesGilbert Is it abuse though? Men have needs and im not fulfilling his like i should, maybe im the bad one for not giving him more and not trying[/quote]
You have needs too. And is he fulfilling yours? No.

What everyone else said.

It's not you, it's him. But since you think you're the problem, do you not think you'd have been able to mould yourself into what he wants by now? Why do you think anything will change if it hasn't already? You're not going to start sexually wanting this childish, abusive creep out of nowhere when you don't already want him in that way. What are you hoping will happen?
You need to leave. It's not you. Your responses are natural considering what you have to put up with. No one else on this thread would want to sleep with this man, either. It's not you.