Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

faking enjoying sex? yes or no

114 replies

sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 11:44

Im planning on leaving my partner of many years. But im torn, i dont know if i am being daft and i should keep going.

We have alot of issues in the bedroom department, he wants it a lot and i dont. Obviously he is frustrated and comes out with things like he will get it else where and tells me i need to give him sex. Sometimes i have just laid there for him to get the job done. But then he complains that i dont put effort in, but if im not in the mood im not the kind of person that can "fake" enjoyment and he knows this. He will ignore me for long periods of time because he hasn't got what he needs.

He is a great dad, we have done great things together. But he is not satisfied and expects that i will change, i have told him i will move out and now he is saying that i am breaking up a family and that he loves me and he doesnt want this to happen. He tells me i just have to put an effort in? And i think if it doesnt come naturally then dont force it or fake it?

im confused should i just start to fake enjoyment in the bedroom to keep him and the kids happy?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:32

@Itsjustaride8w737 its interesting to hear your view. how do you approach the subject with him? or do you not talk about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:33

@Wanderlusto most men fondle there other half i think its something we have to put up with

OP posts:
poppyzbrite4 · 25/02/2021 12:34

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@poppyzbrite4 yes he does watch a lot of porn, but dont most men? I just think that all relationships will end up like this after time and that maybe i should stick it out?[/quote]
Then stay OP. Stay with your porn addled, coercive, misogynist, mouth breather who has no respect for you. At least no other woman will get saddled with him. I hope it works out for you.

Regularsizedrudy · 25/02/2021 12:35

Errr This is sexual abuse

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:36

@Regularsizedrudy i dont think it is?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 25/02/2021 12:37

I never have sex I don't want. Men can either lump that or fuck off.

poppyzbrite4 · 25/02/2021 12:38

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Regularsizedrudy i dont think it is?[/quote]
Yes it is. Coerced sex is rape. Touching someone sexually without their consent is sexual assault. Stonewalling and the silent treatment are emotional abuse.

DinosaurDiana · 25/02/2021 12:38

You should have as much sex as you want. If he wants more and you can’t compromise it’s time for him to go and get the sex he wants.
But please seek financial/legal advice regarding a home for you and your children.

PlinkPlink · 25/02/2021 12:39

It doesn't feel like abuse at the time.

But it lays the groundwork... for rape and sexual assault.

I certainly felt that way anyway. I had the same as you. Being told he'd get it elsewhere. Being told to put sexy clothes on. Being told it was unfair. Being told there was something wrong with me.

And the funny thing is, the more he coerces you into it, the less you will want to have sex.

I was assaulted (by someone else) at about 8 years into our relationship and part of me blamed myself, partly because of the coercion I'd experienced in my relationship. I'd been on a trip away when I was assaulted. At the end of it, I had to come home and celebrate his parents anniversary. We were all staying at a posh hotel. He made it clear he expected me to have sex with him (because that's what you do in hotels). He even put together a disgusting medley of songs to 'get me in the mood'. I hadn't told him what had happened yet and didnt want to ruin the weekend so I did it because I knew he would just pressure me and treat me like crap for not doing it. I couldn't handle the constant badgering so I had sex with him after I'd been assaulted. I cried during it and he didn't think anything was wrong.

Coercion is abuse. It's grinding you down until you give in... it's disgusting.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:39

@poppyzbrite4 no rape is sex through force. This is not rape. I consent and let him do it

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:42

@PlinkPlink but if he pressures me and i say yes, then it is consent.

im sorry to hear what you went through though, i hope that you are in a better place now

OP posts:
GreenGordon · 25/02/2021 12:43

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@Wanderlusto most men fondle there other half i think its something we have to put up with[/quote]
Someone has really messed up your ideas about relationships. Where have you got such ideas from? Have you asked yourself why you don’t want sex more often? Could it be because he is utterly undesirable?

Woebegonad · 25/02/2021 12:43

No, OP. Rape is sex without consent. Force needn't come into it. He doesn't need to be physically pinning you down. He has other methods, doesn't he?

You have been raped repeatedly by this man. You might not be ready to believe it yet Flowers

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:44

@GreenGordon i just assume most relationships are this way

OP posts:
Woebegonad · 25/02/2021 12:44

OP, there can be no consent if coercion is present. None.

Original poster
sunshineonearainyday · 25/02/2021 12:45

@Woebegonad it doesnt feel "rapey" if you know what i mean

OP posts:
GreenGordon · 25/02/2021 12:45

[quote sunshineonearainyday]@GreenGordon i just assume most relationships are this way[/quote]
Then it’s time to discover that you are wrong.

GeidiPrimes · 25/02/2021 12:48

I find it kinda gross that he not only wants you to have unwanted sex, but he wants you to play-act that you're enjoying it so he has a better time.

Rockinmomma · 25/02/2021 12:48

You really have been conditioned OP
Do you ever at all feel sexually attracted to him? Or has his constant groping, remarks and sulking put you right off?
It’s true that a loving healthy relationship needs sexual intimacy but there are other forms of intimacy besides sex
It might be you’re not compatible anymore
You need to ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to spend the rest of your life having sex you don’t enjoy or want?
It does sound to me that he has coerced you and conditioned you, he’s not considering your needs and is... well.. a creep. And you’ve got the ‘Ick’

GeidiPrimes · 25/02/2021 12:49

And by unwanted sex I mean rape.

Hont1986 · 25/02/2021 12:49

I do believe that "fake it til you make it" does work with a lot of things. I've managed to fix a fair few things in my life with that approach (esp diet/weight loss). Whether it would work with a sex life, I don't know but I don't see why not. Of course, you have to actually want to fix it in the first place, and I don't get the sense that you do? Even if the sex problem was not an issue, would you want to be in this marriage?

Woebegonad · 25/02/2021 12:50

OP, very gently, it doesn't matter how it feels. Does this man put his penis in you when he knows you don't want him to?

That's the definition of rape.

RantyAnty · 25/02/2021 12:52

Being a sexpest is abusive.

Does he realise how bad he is in bed or does he just not care?

Pashazade · 25/02/2021 12:52

This is making my skin crawl. It is not normal or healthy OP. It might not feel "rapey" but he is pushing you into something you don't want to do. My DH of 20 years doesn't watch porn, he does not push me to have sex. We have had frank conversations in the past when things have felt pressured and we have sorted it out. He is tactile, we hug, kiss and cuddle. He does not grope me for his pleasure and ignore mine. He generally keeps his hands to appropriate areas of the body, maybe the odd sneaky bum squeeze, (given any groping in front of dc would be utterly inappropriate), but if I asked him not he wouldn't. His feelings do not trump yours, no one needs sex. You are not his handmaiden, he does not require servicing, his mood is not your concern, he should not sulk if you don't have sex.

poppyzbrite4 · 25/02/2021 12:53

Rape isn't about a stranger jumping out at you wearing a balaclava at 2am. The majority of rapes are by someone the victim knows: colleagues, friends, family and partners. Stranger rape is a tiny fraction of rape cases. It's why droning on at women about what they wear is sexist, victim blaming nonsense - a woman shouldn't have to worry about what she wears with her own husband (or anyone for that matter).

You don't consent to coerced sex, you give in. You are still having sex that you don't want.

Swap sides OP. How would it make you feel, to badger and whine at someone to have sex with you? It would feel all kinds of wrong because who wants sex with someone who doesn't want to have sex with them?

A. ABUSERS who want power and control over people. Who want to dominate and bully.