Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

@refusetobeasheep

The most urgent thing is to get a solicitor letter out saying that he wishes 50/50 to continue and that any decision on changing schools needs to be made together. This needs to be spelt out in writing. Then mediation to see if they can agree on a way forward.

Yes this.

Make damn sure that letter is worded so that it sets out that at the moment they have SHARED CARE - she is not the primary carer - they share equally.

No formal childcare arrangement works both ways.

He asserts that he has equal responsibility and she has no official primary residency.

Beware of stepping too softly in order to try and stay amicable. She's already operating from the assumption that she gets to decide - he's challenging that - you definitely stay polite and open, but you cannot be 'nice'. He needs to state what he wants and refuse to apologise for it and definitely not 'ask'.

Solicitor's letter stating that as they currently have shared care it is not in her power to make a unilateral decision about moving schools. He opposes a school move, but he suggests a hopefully positive solution which means she can move, but not to the children's detriment - he takes primary care but both sides work to retain as shared a care plan as possible, including most weekends with her, midweek visit, him offering to do some driving maybe? He could also suggest that she hasn't put the children first when considering the move as it is theoretically possibly for BOTH new partners to move to a location which would not affect his children's shared care and schooling so much. As the plan stands, all the negative effects are to be shouldered by his children, with the new partners' child not expected to move or change schools despite being at a school moving point anyway.

He needs to offer alternative reasonable solutions which mean that his children are less drastically affected - and he very much can.

He also needs to be very clear that he is willing to support the other parent in making new circumstances work as long as the children are prioritised - he does not sound as if on paper he objects to a move or a new partner at all.

And the problem with the compromise in that although he would never agree to just one night and EOW if he went down to 5 or 6 nights a fortnight rather than 50:50 she could then enforce the school move so he loses out on 50:50 which he wants and she moves them away! So he feels he can’t compromise on the 50:50 as a result

@YoniAndGuy that’s perfect! Thank you so much

I'd they have 50:50 she is not the primary carer if I was your boyfriend I would get solicitors advice but point out that in the children's best interests it stays at 50:50 and she moves or he is RP and she pays maintenance and does EOW etc her being mum does not give her a right to more than 50:50 and any court will support your bf if there is no other aspects or reasons why he could have custody.

@Choice4567

I’m afraid that sounds a reasonable thing to do, and EOW and one night is pretty standard

Perhaps then OPs partner should suggest to the Mom that he takes over primary custody and she can see them EOW and one night in the week with an hour commute each way?

I think it's appalling that this selfish woman is hellbent on uprooting her kids from their school, when that is clearly not in their best interests.

With the pandemic and the shit educational experience most kids have had this year, I would say there is even more reason than usual to maintain the status quo.

Your BF needs to get some very good legal advice and push for residency.

@RedMarauder he is getting tougher (with a bit of gentle help from me) but he is just so scared of “losing the boys”. Dramatic as that sounds because I know he wouldnt be losing them but if she were to move them in with another man that is what it would feel like to him. Although as that may now happen anyway he has nothing to lose by getting tough. But she can get really nasty and it’s upsetting when she starts calling him every name under the sun so he avoids confrontation wherever possible

[quote toobusytothink]@Chamomileteaplease yes it is! It used to be he had mon/tues and she had wed/thurs and they did EOW but then last November she announced it was changing. He was too scared to say no in case she stopped him seeing them as much[/quote]
@toobusytothink OP please don’t let him be scared. He can legally take those children and have them live with him. She does NOT own them or call all the shots.

We live 90mins from my stepchildren and it’s a bloody hard fight because the mothers always seem to think they have the most “rights” they do not. Do not let him show any weakness. She will feed off it.

Also I have a BF/DP not a HUSBAND (technically he’s someone else’s husband . Shocking that hahaha

@toobusytothink would he consider applying for primary care?

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Yeh, they can just be uprooted from their primary carer instead. Much better.

They have equal care of the children, arguably she isnt the primary carer.

Not even arguably! She is not the primary carer any more so than their dad is.

@YoniAndGuy and yes you are right. He doesn’t object to new partner or her moving (although it has been so easy for the kids up until now) and the extra bit of driving etc is fine. It really is just the school and him not getting to see his kids as much

@SleepingStandingUp I think he would if necessary but she would fight him

Such a sad state of affairs when it is always the mother than seems to get to call the shots on when the children see their father. So much for equal parent.

I don't think one parent has more rights than the other in this situation.
But I would caution having dc in school some distance from where they live.
We ended up doing this for a while and it isn't great.
Dc struggle to make friends with local dc because they don't go to school with them.
They also can't casually hang out with school friends because the distance requires more organization.
So I would keep the school and main residence close together.

@Fiona2020 easier said than done. Jude seeing on here it’s obvious courts favour the mum and he just knows he would lose if it came down to it. So in reality he can’t afford for it to go to court. And she knows that. She has always got her own way in everything and it’s only now he is standing up to her with my help but he’s still scared and gets upset about it all. Because he genuinely doesn’t know what the right thing to do is - for the kids. One day he is all fired up and talking about getting custody and then he cracks because he thinks it’s important to have a civil relationship with her

Telling her "ok the kids come and live with me and you only see them at weekends" is self-evidently not a compromise, it's a threat.

That's exactly what she is saying to him.

Anyway, the compromise appears to be the school doesn't change.

[quote toobusytothink]@Fiona2020 easier said than done. Jude seeing on here it’s obvious courts favour the mum and he just knows he would lose if it came down to it. So in reality he can’t afford for it to go to court. And she knows that. She has always got her own way in everything and it’s only now he is standing up to her with my help but he’s still scared and gets upset about it all. Because he genuinely doesn’t know what the right thing to do is - for the kids. One day he is all fired up and talking about getting custody and then he cracks because he thinks it’s important to have a civil relationship with her[/quote]
I think this is key to its all and what he needs to really figure out. He needs to stand up to her and get a good agreement but keep the relationship civil and try to avoid a lengthy and horrible court arguments.

Schools are interchangeable - good solid relationships with both parents are not. And that is what is right for the children figuring out where he willing to (and the school bit I think can go) in order to ensure a good relationship

He needs to stop being scared of rocking the boat. While he’s wasting time panicking about losing the status quo with his children his ex has torpedoed the boat and obviously doesn’t give a shit about anyone but herself.

Down the line he needs to tell his sons that he did absolutely everything he could to maintain their close relationship. Not have to admit that he was too scared to fight for it in case their mother became a nasty malicious selfish cow.

Lots of people don't seem to get it. He has 50/50 at the moment. Now you think EOW and one night a week is ok? Why can't fathers have more time, why is it accepted the EOW and one night a week is acceptable?

This!

I’m afraid that situations and arrangements change as separated couples move on. It is wildly unrealistic to expect the ex to stay in the same area with the same routine. You or your dp cannot dictate where she moves to. Your dp could go for residence with the every other weekend and one night going to the mum? But I doubt that’s what he wants.
Disclaimer is that years ago I was the ex in a very similar situation except that is wasn’t a 50/50 situation and moved 45 minutes away for a better job. My ex continued to see our children as regularly and made it work. As pp have said 45 minutes is not far and I think ex dp was relieved it was only that. This is not such a terrible situation for the children and they will adapt. How well they adapt however is dependent on all the adults being reasonable and not trying to control each other’s lives.

But not changing the school is a compromise for the parents benefit not the children's. A couple of poster have made the same point.

Moving 45 minutes away is fine. I see nothing wrong with that at all. Most exes dont live 5 minutes away from their children. Every other weekend and every friday night would be acceptable to me.

If the mother looks after the kids the vast majority of the time and throughout the school week I think it’s ok that she has more say on location and school. However as it’s 50:50 Care she’s being unreasonable. I think it would be reasonable for him to change days to facilitate a move (eg have them every Friday night to Monday morning) but not to reduce days and not for the kids to travel 45 minutes to school on a daily basis. I think he needs to make the investment in legal advice

@Quartz2208 but she’s only civil when she gets her way. The second he even suggests something else it gets nasty so the only way it will ever be civil is if he always gives in to her. Which he has done previously but on this issue he just isn’t willing to only see them one night plus EOW

@AnneLovesGilbert thank you. You made me laugh out loud for the first time on this thread