Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

[toobusytothink]

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?

Their dad has moved on and has a relationship with you. Why can't their mum do the same? Not her fault you work in the opposite direction. Where in the rule book does it say she has to find a new partner locally?

@toobusytothink To apply to court it’s actually only £350-375 (ish I can’t remember) but you are right they tend to side with the mother which is disgusting. BUT he also has joint parental responsibility and he can object to the school move.
Speaking from experience he needs to know what he wants, and it’s often only when men hit breaking point do they figure this out.

I feel for you. Nobody thinks about dads.

I sat there night after night. Watching this man who I adore Exhausted,mentally drained, tired and broken because all he wanted was to have the right to see his children. At one point I would t let him go anywhere alone as I was so worried about his mental health.
It’s put our relationship under such pressure there were times I couldn’t cope. But you do and you bounce back. And it does get easier X

I agree with what’s been said above. Buy some time. Get the solicitors letter out. Block the school move and come up with a plan. ALWAYS be one step ahead of their mother.

[quote toobusytothink]@Quartz2208 but she’s only civil when she gets her way. The second he even suggests something else it gets nasty so the only way it will ever be civil is if he always gives in to her. Which he has done previously but on this issue he just isn’t willing to only see them one night plus EOW[/quote]
So what is he willing outside of just saying no.

The first stage of this (even if he does get legal advice) will be to try an mediate a solution .

What school is she looking at - how far away is it to prevent him collecting.

I dont think the every other night thing will be what ends up happening if it does go to court. Much more likely a 3/4 or kind of deal so I think he needs to look at that.

And the fact that the distance she is looking to move is doable depending on where the school is/high schools are etc.

He cant just go into this saying no - he needs to have an idea of how it would work.

Holidays as I have said are a huge part of it as well he can make suggestions for gaining back time.

A 3 night weekend plus one night in the week is a 65/35 break - maybe suggest holidays are on that kind of breakdown as well. A more holistic approach

Absolutely she can have a relationship. Difference is that I only see bf when he doesn’t have kids and would never dream of asking him to move in with me. My relationship with him has not affected his relationship with his kids one bit, where as she is wanting to take the kids away

45mins isn't far-but why does she get to decide that that's what he & the kids must do?

@Beautiful3

Moving 45 minutes away is fine. I see nothing wrong with that at all. Most exes dont live 5 minutes away from their children. Every other weekend and every friday night would be acceptable to me.

it would be acceptable to you to only see your children that much? or acceptable for a man to only see his children that much?

@Quartz2208

I didn't say all. Two of my close friends have just been through court cases (one is gay and was sorting out money not kids). The female friend got a much better settlement via the court than she would have done without because her ex is an arsehole.

The point is some divorces have to be decided in court & it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean the relationship won't recover afterwards, that really depends on the nature of the relationship. And it doesn't have to affect the kids.

What does affect the kids is eschewing court & constantly arguing and changing contact arrangements as a result.

Here the problem does not lie with OP's DP. It lies with his wife. If she will negotiate then court can be avoided, but she has clearly stated her position and she may not be amenable.

At the very least DP should prepare himself for court & not be afraid of it.

Yes he is prepared to compromise on the 50:50 thing, even down to 5 nights a fortnight but would prefer 6) but she is the one who just says no to anything that she hasn’t suggested. And has said a flat no to 50:50 and she is moving away with no alternative. He will compromise but as I said she can then justify moving away with the kids if he sees them less so she gets everything she wants

@EnoughnowIthink

What about putting the kids first? Surely they deserve to have a relationship with their dad?

Their dad has moved on and has a relationship with you. Why can't their mum do the same? Not her fault you work in the opposite direction. Where in the rule book does it say she has to find a new partner locally?

A) the dad hasnt moved in with op and moved his children away from the other parent B) he has not reduced the mothers contact with her children C) this is nothing to do with OPs job, its dads job.

[quote toobusytothink]@Quartz2208 but she’s only civil when she gets her way. The second he even suggests something else it gets nasty so the only way it will ever be civil is if he always gives in to her. Which he has done previously but on this issue he just isn’t willing to only see them one night plus EOW[/quote]
Giving in to her is not the only way. The other way to deal with it is to let the court to decide and have legal arrangements she cannot argue with.

@toobusytothink

Yes he is prepared to compromise on the 50:50 thing, even down to 5 nights a fortnight but would prefer 6) but she is the one who just says no to anything that she hasn’t suggested. And has said a flat no to 50:50 and she is moving away with no alternative. He will compromise but as I said she can then justify moving away with the kids if he sees them less so she gets everything she wants

@toobusytothink OP sorry I’m rambling but remember to document everything. Record all calls/texts/emails of him showing he’s flexible and she isn’t. Everything is to be documented. We used text messages in court x

He just needs to take it to court, if he’s having 50/50 now and can prove it in court then he’s likely to get at least 50/50, if he raised the issue of the kids being uprooted, changing schools etc then they might even give him primary residence. Trust me courts don’t favour the mum, I’ve met terrible dads who abuse their exes and neglect their kids and still get contact

I was told by lawyer that whatever arrangement had been in place till that point would likely be continued by court, so if it had been 50-50 they'd likely decide to keep it that way. But I dont think she can be made to not move house. Not sure about who gets to decide on moving schools, presumably he has no less parental responsibility than the mum. He needs legal advice.

Forgive me for not yet having time to read the whole thread. I saw some of the early responses and was appalled.

OP - you are right to think this is selfish and unreasonable.

My ex lived 45 mins away from his daughter (from his first marriage.) It's very difficult, if not impossible, to stay 50/50 at that distance without running yourselves ragged. I know. I've been there.

By contrast my ex and I share our 2 kids 50/50 and we live 5 mins apart. It works very well. Neither parent is seen as the default or resident parent. We both see the kids every day and split the daily responsibilities equally.

I completely get where you're coming from and no, it would not be in the best interests of the kids to uproot them in the way you describe. The mother shouldn't even be considering it.

This kind of thread always seems to bring out the worst rampant hypocrisy I've ever seen.

I agree with @YoniAndGuy's advice.

In response to:

The second he even suggests something else it gets nasty so the only way it will ever be civil is if he always gives in to her. Which he has done previously but on this issue he just isn’t willing to only see them one night plus EOW

He needs to realise the years of not standing up to her have led to this point and her belief that this tactic will work again.

It needs to stop here.

It's not just about him/his Ex either. The SM forum is awash with posters dealing with Appeasement Fathers.

It takes a terrible toll on relationships - not just with a new partner but also with the children.

They see how their mother "negotiates" with they father and thus learn from both parents that if you want more pocket money for example or an expensive phone then you just tell your father you're not coming until you get one.

It's a terrible life lesson to teach your children that threats and nasty behaviour "wins".

For that reason alone he needs see a solicitor and make a firm stand.

I hope she doesn't regret him taking this to Court. Times have moved on a bit and it doesn't always favour the mother.

He's proven that he is an involved dad with 50/50 in place already... with the legal profession being male dominated... I would worry (if I was the Ex) that I would look like a mum only interested in her love life and not about my children's relationship with their father.

She may live to regret it. I've seen threads where mums have been devastated with a 50/50 court ruling.

I'm surprised at the number of people saying this isn't a big deal. What if the dad suddenly decided that the mum's contact would be reduced from 50% to EOW and 1 day?

Haven't RTFT but I'd lawyer up and make sure that dad still gets 50/50 custody and potentially put an injunction in place so she can't move them away - the uprooting of their schools etc is surely grounds to not move them.

Why should he miss out on half their lives just because he's the dad? He doesn't have less rights based on that. Also if it were a mother posting here saying her child's father wanted to take their children out of school to move 45 mins away with his new girlfriend, you'd be advised to take him to the cleaners. I don't see why this is any different!

And for the unhelpful arseholes saying "it's only 45 minutes" blah blah blah, dad will be the one paying extra for fuel to travel to pick up/drop off. Dad will be the one travelling 1.5hrs both ways for said pick up/drop off. Why should he have to? The last thing I'd want to do after a full day of work is a 1.5hr round trip to pick up my children, when they are otherwise in the same town as me.

Good luck OP, hope your DP gets the outcome he wants. Seriously make sure you pursue all legal options

Their dad has moved on and has a relationship with you. Why can't their mum do the same? Not her fault you work in the opposite direction. Where in the rule book does it say she has to find a new partner locally?

Their mum is free to have a relationship. It isn't about where the OP lives or works (for the record she and her bf have decided not to live together for the sakes of their children).

I keep asking this question but it's yet to be answered: How is moving away from their support network including extended family, seeing dad almost half as often, having to live with a new man and his child, and starting a new school in the best interests of the children? How does this benefit anyone but mum and her new bf?

You've had some bonkers replies. The problem isn't her moving to be with her bf- it's changing schools so that Dad can't continue having 50/50. He's rearranged his working life like many women do so that he can pick up at 3:15 and drop off at 8:45 so is clearly a child centred person who shouldn't be punished for having a penis.

He's not unreasonable to think that she's free to move but the kids need to stay at the same school for stability and to keep contact with Dad constant.

She is making an outrageous choice to create upheaval for her kids and allow her bf to keep things the same for his kids. If they were serious about what's right for the kids they'd love somewhere in between and do the extra travelling to the current schools so contact with the other parent to any affected. Obviously nobody else has control over that but if I knew her irl as a friend then I'd obviously say that to her.

@bombastical

I’m saying this as kindly as possible. Get over it. Legal advice? Are you serious? 45 minutes?!!! Most people I know (before Covid) commutes longer than that for work twice a day! People working in London (thousands of them) have longed train journeys every day. I’m afraid this is a non issue and the courts are going to laugh in his face. She’s entitled to a life and it’s not down to your BF to dictate where she lives as long as she’s not moving abroad. If she was trying to take them abroad then he’d have grounds for further action. Other than that. Meh. Non issue.

Awful advice. Of course her legal advice

Sorry meant GET

@toobusytothink

Yes he is prepared to compromise on the 50:50 thing, even down to 5 nights a fortnight but would prefer 6) but she is the one who just says no to anything that she hasn’t suggested. And has said a flat no to 50:50 and she is moving away with no alternative. He will compromise but as I said she can then justify moving away with the kids if he sees them less so she gets everything she wants

Great then this is where he starts with the action then asking for 5/6 nights a fortnight and a larger holiday split. A say in which local school they move to and try and make it so it is his side.

You need to stop thinking about it as her getting everything she wants a creating a siutaiton that works for everyone without court.

Courts will come in if none of this works but will be a massive expense

Such incredibly lovely supportive messages. Thank you. I really really hope she’s up to discussion and just thinks about the boys. The reason I am not going to live with bf for at least the next 4/5 years is because I would hate to be responsible even in the tiniest way of taking the kids time away from their dad. They need him and deserve him to be a part of their everyday life. If she deprives the kids of that then I really hope one day they realise what happened ....

I also think that your BF should contact the school and tell them he's not agreeing that the kids should leave. When a child is leaving you have to tell the current school where they're going.

If she has already done this, then your BF will need to move swiftly with legal support.