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Original poster

Bf’s ex says she’s moving away with the kids

626 replies

toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 11:36

So bf and his ex separated 4 years ago. They have 2 kids who are now 5 and 7. They live near each other and bf has always been a hands on dad and for the last 2 years he has had the kids 50/50 but it has just been an informal agreement between themselves. She has a bf who she has been seeing for about 18 months who lives 45 mins away and has said she plans on moving close to him and possibly buying a place with him.

Although this doesn’t sound far, my bf works and I live 45 mins in the opposite direction (otherwise he would consider moving there himself to stay close to the kids).

Bf is incredibly upset. It would mean the kids changing schools. His ex’s mum and sister are in the area so she would be moving away from them and her support network too. Plus she works locally so she would be moving away from work.
She says she now wants to formalise the childcare agreement so that he has the kids EOW and one night per week which my bf has said is not acceptable.

So she would be uprooting the kids away from their dad who they see every other day, away from their school and friends, away from her mum and sister, away from her work, so she can move closer or in with her new partner and build a new life with him ... she says she would be able to afford a bigger house.

He is seeking legal advise but it is expensive. She said she is happy to try and do it amicably but then won’t compromise on anything. I know his lawyer will give him advise but just wanted to see if anyone here had experience of it and any suggestions. Seems so unfair when you hear of mums complaining that the dad doesn’t do enough but he wants to but she won’t let him ...

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 13:45

@Enko thank you. I will

OP posts:
Mally2020 · 25/02/2021 13:46

why doesn't your boyfriend offer her offer back at her. Explain that due to her family being area and school being there he doesn't think it is fair to uproot them just for the sake of the new partner and you both have them in the week and she has them at weekends?

TheSparkleJar · 25/02/2021 13:46

There's no point asking about preventing her from moving because that's a non-starter. 45 minutes is one of those things that is unfair to the existing family unit morally, but it's not illegal.

Whatever happens, the arrangements should really be formalized. Otherwise he could be left dangling to find out whether he can see them on school holidays or not, depending on what his ex's partner's ex is doing with her dc's.

Mally2020 · 25/02/2021 13:46

family being in the area*

TatianaBis · 25/02/2021 13:47

@Quartz2208

Eh? Many divorces are start (or end) in court. If the parents can't agree it's in everyone's interests, including the children's, to have residency settled.

Bibidy · 25/02/2021 13:48

It is so unfair that the dad is being told he should just leave it so as not to rock the boat with the ex. He is not the one trying to change the status quo.

I do agree it's unrealistic to expect exes to live very close together for the entire time their kids are growing up, but one parent shouldn't unilaterally decide this.

I'm sure the mum in this scenario could do something to facilitate the kids still having 50/50 (or thereabouts) time with their dad - such as drop them off to him after school - but it sounds like he's just been told to like it or lump it.

SoupDragon · 25/02/2021 13:49

She’s entitled to a life and it’s not down to your BF to dictate where she lives as long as she’s not moving abroad.

Well, she can leave the children with their father and only see them EOW then.

Frazzled99 · 25/02/2021 13:50

[quote toobusytothink]@refusetobeasheep thank you!!! That’s exactly the kind of advice I was hoping for. Sounds like a great first step.[/quote]
Just read the advice and agree. Get this done asap before any school move has been arranged. DH's ex arranged the whole school move behind his back when they had 50/50 and even took the kids to a 'meet the teacher' at the new school without him knowing a thing. He was told 24 hours before they were due to start. So we had to get an emergency court hearing to get a prohibited steps order in place in a few hours....it was so stressful. Don't underestimate how devious some people can be.

RandomMess · 25/02/2021 13:51

No it's not ok to reverse 50:50 care!!

He should seek a prohibitive steps order and take it from there. If his ex is desperate to move she can have the DC EOW and him be the primary carer so all their friends and school remain the same.

TheSparkleJar · 25/02/2021 13:52

refusetobeasheep best comment. You're right.

Family courts are interested in consistency of existing care for dc's above anything else. There is no reason for the DF to suck up the travel costs and time when it's not his decision to move. And they can stay some o/n's with their DF anyway which cuts down on her travel.

Presumably he has parental rights (is on birth cert) so he may be able to block the school move, but that's best done through the courts, not going to her with it. He shouldn't speak to her about any of this until he's seen a lawyer and got the ball rolling, or she may just panic and rush ahead.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 13:54

Fantastic! Thank you. I will definitely get him to do that re school move!

OP posts:
TheSparkleJar · 25/02/2021 13:54

If his ex is desperate to move she can have the DC EOW and him be the primary carer so all their friends and school remain the same.

It's not even that dramatic tbh. It's 45 minutes in the car. I know plenty of people who commute over an hour away, plus time to get to childcare. He could have them overnight say Tuesday and Thursday which cuts down on her travel commitment, and then he collects them from school every other Friday pm and drops them off Monday am. It's doable.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 13:56

And whilst in some ways she is entitled to move on and start a new life, in many ways I disagree. Once you have kids I believe you aren’t completely free to make your own decisions. If I moved half hour further north I could afford a huge house. But that would be taking them away from their dad so personally I won’t do it because I have an obligation to my kids to enable them to continue a relationship with their dad. And in a way I have an obligation to my ex too

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 13:57

Unfortunately bf’s ex despises him so couldn’t care about him and seems to enjoy making his life difficult. He rises above it all but he is definitely scared to rock the boat. But then again things are only going ok when she is getting her way so he may as well challenge her

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 25/02/2021 13:57

Sounds difficult but the idea of Sunday to Wednesday and Wednesday to Sunday for the other parent sounds possible. Cutting down travelling time.

But I wanted to say, perhaps on a tangent, did you say that the arrangement is that your BF sees the kids every other day? Isn't that awfully unsettling for the kids? Do they never sleep in the same bed for two or more nights in a row? Sad

Notcrackersyet · 25/02/2021 14:00

If it’s 50/50 then he can go to court for primary custody so they don’t get uprooted from their school etc.

user18467425798532 · 25/02/2021 14:03

Ok, he's written to her saying they both have to make sacrifices. So what sacrifices is he proposing he makes?

Because all I've heard is the word "compromise" being used to mean he should get to keep everything his way and his ex has to give up everything she would like.

What middle ground is he actually proposing?

Telling her "ok the kids come and live with me and you only see them at weekends" is self-evidently not a compromise, it's a threat. Calling that an offer of compromise is disingenuous.

Children in two parent households move home and move schools. It's not argued that because a child has been settled in an area for x years their parents may not relocate them and everything must be preserved identically until the child leaves home. Life moves on.

A 45 minute move hardly means they'll never see their extended family again.

What genuine middle ground is he proposing that accepts that life changes and allows them both to move forward whilst maintaining their relationships with the children?

If he genuinely wants things to remain amicable and constructive that's what he needs to think about. Sooner or later her life would have moved on, it just happens to be sooner (would he be reacting any differently if this was another year or two down the line?).

user18467425798532 · 25/02/2021 14:04

@Notcrackersyet

If it’s 50/50 then he can go to court for primary custody so they don’t get uprooted from their school etc.
Yeh, they can just be uprooted from their primary carer instead. Much better.Hmm
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 14:05

@Chamomileteaplease yes it is! It used to be he had mon/tues and she had wed/thurs and they did EOW but then last November she announced it was changing. He was too scared to say no in case she stopped him seeing them as much

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 25/02/2021 14:08

He hasn’t threatened her with anything! And wouldn’t! He would compromise on the 50:50 if she really really wanted them a bit more and it was in kids best interests but just really doesn’t want her moving the kids away. But yes it does have to be on both sides. But for that to happen they actually have to be able to talk so he can find out exactly what she wants

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 25/02/2021 14:08

Just to say I think you are a great GF/Partner and very supportive of your BF. No personal exp of this ,but surely worth a visit to the Solicitor? I thought that courts had to be more fair about parental visits and so on.

TheSparkleJar · 25/02/2021 14:11

But for that to happen they actually have to be able to talk so he can find out exactly what she wants

Advise him to do all talking through a lawyer though, and quickly. I'm not sure he can block a school move without legal counsel. If she manages to move quickly and take them out of school it will be harder to restore 50/50 care.

And I agree with those saying there's no need in this case for the dc's to be deprived of either parent. It would be equally cruel for them to not see their mother five days a week. 45 minutes shouldn't be it too hard to come to an agreement, but she won't speak to him, so lawyers need to be involved asap.

Quartz2208 · 25/02/2021 14:11

[quote TatianaBis]@Quartz2208

Eh? Many divorces are start (or end) in court. If the parents can't agree it's in everyone's interests, including the children's, to have residency settled.[/quote]
@TatianaBis No they dont end up in Court - not in a court hearing 95% of divorces are settled without needing to have a hearing.

Ending up in court should always be a last resort. Even if it does the first stage is a lot of negotiating and figuring it out amongst themselves. I have spent many a day court clerking at court with barristers negotiating rather than being decided by a judge.

That isnt to say it wont or shouldnt end up there at all but it is an expensive process that removes any sense of being friends.

He should have it in his mind as an option but first off see if he can come up with a workable middle ground. This isnt a move across a country etc

TrustTheGeneGenie · 25/02/2021 14:12

Yeh, they can just be uprooted from their primary carer instead. Much better.

They have equal care of the children, arguably she isnt the primary carer.

RedMarauder · 25/02/2021 14:12

@toobusytothink he needs to stop being saced for a start but needs to remain his reasonable stance.